Bf with ADHD reaches out less, seems less curious about me, takes longer to reply

October 3, 2019

I agree completely. Give the man room to breathe for heaven's sake. You shouldn't expect him to spend every waking minute thinking about you, much less texting continuously throughout the day and acting as if it's still the first week or two.

If you're seeing each other several times a week and things are good, don't screw it up by projecting extreme expectations and insecurities. Just roll with it and be happy. Expectations such as this are way too much pressure. Let it go, relax!

PS: You should be initiating too.

Again, I never said I expect his every waking moment to be spent on me. Don't be silly.

I find it interesting that some of you are putting the whole blame on me, as if I wasn't conditioned by him to expect so much attention and effort.

You may have missed where I stated I'm going to be more reasonable with expectations and put more of my energies elsewhere, like they were when he and I first met. Balance is best.

I also stated twice I initiate as well.

Edited October 3, 2019 by GeorgiaPeach1

October 3, 2019

You have reached the "comfort" stage, at least he has, I'd say. To me this is/was the holy grail for a budding relationship. The point at which the parties are more comfortable and relaxed with each other, aren't stressing about when they will be seeing each other, don't have to be in "best" behavior stance and worrying about every little thing the other one does or doesn't do, etc. Is there anything else going on that's piquing your anxiety that you might not have mentioned here -- yet? The things you're talking about don't amount to a bunch of questioning like you're doing. You see each other frequently enough so phone calls and texts in between shouldn't be a big deal.

Chillax. Do things for yourself, go out with friends, work on hobbies, take care of things you've been neglecting. My SO and I have been with each other for 5 years. We don't talk on the phone every day or even text every single day -- usually every other day. Sometimes 2 days. We aren't tethered to one another and when we do talk, it's quality and reassuring and comforting. Talking every single day gets to be kinda dull and boring and mechanical/mundane. We see each other 3 days a week, sometimes more/sometimes less depending on what's going on in our lives. There's not a whole lotta stuffing going on in between to talk about anyway most of the time.

October 3, 2019

I agree completely. Give the man room to breathe for heaven's sake. You shouldn't expect him to spend every waking minute thinking about you, much less texting continuously throughout the day and acting as if it's still the first week or two.

If you're seeing each other several times a week and things are good, don't screw it up by projecting extreme expectations and insecurities. Just roll with it and be happy. Expectations such as this are way too much pressure. Let it go, relax!

PS: You should be initiating too.

You have reached the "comfort" stage, at least he has, I'd say. To me this is/was the holy grail for a budding relationship. The point at which the parties are more comfortable and relaxed with each other, aren't stressing about when they will be seeing each other, don't have to be in "best" behavior stance and worrying about every little thing the other one does or doesn't do, etc. Is there anything else going on that's piquing your anxiety that you might not have mentioned here -- yet? The things you're talking about don't amount to a bunch of questioning like you're doing. You see each other frequently enough so phone calls and texts in between shouldn't be a big deal.

Chillax. Do things for yourself, go out with friends, work on hobbies, take care of things you've been neglecting. My SO and I have been with each other for 5 years. We don't talk on the phone every day or even text every single day -- usually every other day. Sometimes 2 days. We aren't tethered to one another and when we do talk, it's quality and reassuring and comforting. Talking every single day gets to be kinda dull and boring and mechanical/mundane. We see each other 3 days a week, sometimes more/sometimes less depending on what's going on in our lives. There's not a whole lotta stuffing going on in between to talk about anyway most of the time.

Yes, there are a few other things I've noticed, but overall what I mentioned here is the top thing.

I think how often it's good for two people in a relationship to talk depends on the preferences of the two people involved. What works for some won't work well for others. I was led to believe he was okay with, and even preferred, frequent contact. I expected things to slow some, but not so drastically so fast.

In any event, I've learned a big lesson.

October 3, 2019

Yes, there are a few other things I've noticed, but overall what I mentioned here is the top thing.

I think how often it's good for two people in a relationship to talk depends on the preferences of the two people involved. What works for some won't work well for others. I was led to believe he was okay with, and even preferred, frequent contact. I expected things to slow some, but not so drastically so fast.

In any event, I've learned a big lesson.

If you prefer a little more, you can certainly pick up the phone and call him too. You are way past the point where a woman might let the guy do more leading. That's an early dating thing -- it shouldn't be like that now. Just don't smother each other. If you really need or want to talk to him at a particular time, go ahead. But don't do it if you're just stressing because he hasn't.

October 3, 2019

If you prefer a little more, you can certainly pick up the phone and call him too. You are way past the point where a woman might let the guy do more leading. That's an early dating thing -- it shouldn't be like that now. Just don't smother each other. If you really need or want to talk to him at a particular time, go ahead. But don't do it if you're just stressing because he hasn't.

As I've stated several times, I do initiate some of the time. You're totally right about not smothering each other. I certainly don't want to do that. I think adjusting my expectations will do the trick.

October 3, 2019

After the way he reacted when I talked to him about not replying for a day, I don't want to bring any of this up to him.

I agree with the others about trying to relax a bit about things and definitely creating more of a life separate from him (friends, hobbies).

But I was struck by the comment I quoted. It immediately made me think of my relationship with my ex husband. He "trained" me how to act the way he wanted with that type of thing. I would avoid making him unhappy by not repeating behavior to which he had reacted badly.

Of course we shouldn't be nags or needy or whiny, but we should never feel unable to express our feelings. Maybe that just triggered a bad memory for me and the situation you described was something completely different. But it might be something to think about.

October 4, 2019

Nearly 2 years together with my girlfriend and we still message each other continuously all day every day, including good morning, good night, as well as letting each other know when we make it to work as well as when we make it back home, every single time, just like we did at the start of our relationship.

By continuously I don't mean replying every 5 minutes, if we are busy doing whatever we might go 1/2 hours without a reply, but we always keep in regular contact throughout the whole day, and it works for us.

Complete opposite to my ex, where 4-5 exchanges for a whole day was normal.

I guess my point is OP, ignore people on here who think that daily contact is 'too much' and do what works for you. You should talk to him and explain how you feel.

October 4, 2019

A lot of guesses being given on what could potentially be going on. I'll add one more. He could have freaked himself out if he said things he was feeling more "in the moment" than with thoughts of having to fulfill what those words mayve implied and now he's being a little distant so you don't expect him to propose because ideas on marriage were discussed. I'm not saying you have that expectation at all, he could just be projecting it onto you. Sometimes after certain milestones are reached, there's mini freakouts and reevaluating. That's why the advice to keep on like you have been, just going along, is good. Either

he figures himself out and becomes more present again, until the next milestone,

or he freaks himself out so much he ends it or acts worse until you do,

or this really is the real him/communication he's comfortable with and you're compatible if it's all good for you, or you realize after some time that you need more and aren't going to be compatible as this basic level.

Up to you to decide how long you give to see how/if things progress. Good luck!

October 4, 2019

if we are busy doing whatever we might go 1/2 hours without a reply

A whole 30 minutes, eh?

OP, as has been suggested, your expectations for communication, romantic expression and engagement are completely reasonable.

This guy just isn’t going to meet them. One way or another, plan from there...

Mr. Lucky

October 4, 2019

I have to agree.

It was three years for us. It was usually a text exchange morning or mid-day - what are you doing today, how’s it going. Then, usually another exchange around dinner time after work. And, always a good night text. He liked to call, I liked to text.

He complained that he got tired of texting and that he always had to have his phone near him... he still did it. Rarely was there a day that he didn’t respond within 30-60 minutes. If there was, it was because his phone was charging in another room or he had to go out and forgot his phone...

While you don’t want to be needy, you are dating the man. Regular communication is generally implied and it’s common courtesy to respond to anyone - especially your potential life partner - within a reasonable amount of time... I would argue that a day is not reasonable.

October 4, 2019

A whole 30 minutes, eh?

Huh?

The clue is in the word 'hours' with a 's' at the end - indicating plural, as in 1 or 2 hours.

October 4, 2019

as in 1 or 2 hours.

Apologies, my mistake. Many would still find communication every hour or so to be a lot to handle though you seem in synch with your partner.

The OP may need to find someone equally well-matched...

Mr. Lucky

October 4, 2019

My husband calls me several times a day, always has. He isn't smothering or needy, it's called communication, a relationship.

Every couple settles into what works for them, if you would like to hear from him more OP, tell him so. If he isn't into it, then decide if you would be fine to spend the rest of your life this way.

That's what dating is for, to determine compatibility.

Edited October 4, 2019 by Timshel

October 4, 2019

I agree with the others about trying to relax a bit about things and definitely creating more of a life separate from him (friends, hobbies).

But I was struck by the comment I quoted. It immediately made me think of my relationship with my ex husband. He "trained" me how to act the way he wanted with that type of thing. I would avoid making him unhappy by not repeating behavior to which he had reacted badly.

Of course we shouldn't be nags or needy or whiny, but we should never feel unable to express our feelings. Maybe that just triggered a bad memory for me and the situation you described was something completely different. But it might be something to think about.

That does concern me, that he reacted badly when I shared my feelings. I will keep an eye out to see if it starts to become a regular problem. Most of the time, he's a good listener, so hopefully it was an isolated incident.

I'm so glad you got away from your toxic ex.

October 4, 2019

Nearly 2 years together with my girlfriend and we still message each other continuously all day every day, including good morning, good night, as well as letting each other know when we make it to work as well as when we make it back home, every single time, just like we did at the start of our relationship.

By continuously I don't mean replying every 5 minutes, if we are busy doing whatever we might go 1/2 hours without a reply, but we always keep in regular contact throughout the whole day, and it works for us.

Complete opposite to my ex, where 4-5 exchanges for a whole day was normal.

I guess my point is OP, ignore people on here who think that daily contact is 'too much' and do what works for you. You should talk to him and explain how you feel.

Exactly. One of the other commenters stated that sometimes her boyfriend goes a day or two without contacting her. That simply doesn't sound like a man in love to me, and I find that unacceptable.

October 4, 2019

A lot of guesses being given on what could potentially be going on. I'll add one more. He could have freaked himself out if he said things he was feeling more "in the moment" than with thoughts of having to fulfill what those words mayve implied and now he's being a little distant so you don't expect him to propose because ideas on marriage were discussed. I'm not saying you have that expectation at all, he could just be projecting it onto you. Sometimes after certain milestones are reached, there's mini freakouts and reevaluating. That's why the advice to keep on like you have been, just going along, is good. Either
he figures himself out and becomes more present again, until the next milestone,
or he freaks himself out so much he ends it or acts worse until you do,
or this really is the real him/communication he's comfortable with and you're compatible if it's all good for you, or you realize after some time that you need more and aren't going to be compatible as this basic level.

Up to you to decide how long you give to see how/if things progress. Good luck!

Thank you. You're right, there could be a mini freak-out going on with him. It's my goal to not have a freak out in reaction to his possible freak out. I figured I'd post here to get my thoughts and feelings out, rather than risk creating tension with him. I want this relationship to remain close and fun, not become a drag.

October 4, 2019

A whole 30 minutes, eh?

OP, as has been suggested, your expectations for communication, romantic expression and engagement are completely reasonable.

This guy just isn’t going to meet them. One way or another, plan from there...

Mr. Lucky

I will lower my expectations and keep in mind that once we're married at some point in the future, texting/calling won't be an issue at all.

He really is a good guy. I think he feels like he "has" me now and there is less pressure to be a knight in shining armour

Truthfully, I am feeling less pressure to be perfect as well.

October 4, 2019

I have to agree.

It was three years for us. It was usually a text exchange morning or mid-day - what are you doing today, how’s it going. Then, usually another exchange around dinner time after work. And, always a good night text. He liked to call, I liked to text.

He complained that he got tired of texting and that he always had to have his phone near him... he still did it. Rarely was there a day that he didn’t respond within 30-60 minutes. If there was, it was because his phone was charging in another room or he had to go out and forgot his phone...

While you don’t want to be needy, you are dating the man. Regular communication is generally implied and it’s common courtesy to respond to anyone - especially your potential life partner - within a reasonable amount of time... I would argue that a day is not reasonable.

I agree. Fortunately, the going a full day without replying has only happened once, although other replies are sometimes taking longer than usual. He now knows I didn't like that and hasn't repeated it.

I might give him a taste of his own medicine if he does it again.

October 4, 2019

My husband calls me several times a day, always has. He isn't smothering or needy, it's called communication, a relationship.
Every couple settles into what works for them, if you would like to hear from him more OP, tell him so. If he isn't into it, then decide if you would be fine to spend the rest of your life this way.

That's what dating is for, to determine compatibility.

I so agree. IMO the word "needy" has become grossly overused to describe someone who expects basic communication and effort.

October 4, 2019

Exactly. One of the other commenters stated that sometimes her boyfriend goes a day or two without contacting her. That simply doesn't sound like a man in love to me, and I find that unacceptable.

Be careful judging what is a show of love and what is not. A while ago my boyfriend started calling me 4 times a day. I cannot sit here at my office and pick up each phone calls, at first I did and spoke a few mins with him, but more I picked up more he called. I stopped picking up his calls during the day. One thing is certain, I am crazy in love with my boyfriend and he's the man of my life. Me not picking up has nothing to do with the amount of love I have for him. Love is what you experience when you're together, the kindness, the respect, the affection, the support for each other, it has nothing to do with the number of texts he replies or when he replies.

October 4, 2019

I feel like there is no black and white answer to this problem and I'm kind of sad to see so many posters on this thread being so harsh with the OP for expressing her needs and feelings. It reads like "just shut up and be a good girlfriend, don't trouble that poor man with your silly expectations. Just accept whatever attention he gives you and be grateful for it"

OP your expectations and needs are no less valid than your boyfriend's and you shouldn't have to manage your expectations down just for the sake of being compliant and a well behaved gf. For myself, I'm highly introverted and I hate meaninglessness small talk. I often go a full day or two without checking my phone and I have missed calls and texts from friends and family and sometimes people have gotten upset at me for this. I have made a conscious effort to get better at staying in touch with people and not taking forever to respond to calls and texts. When someone calls me out on my dismissive behavior I usually do my best to listen to how that person feels then I apologize and give them reassurance that it's not them, it's me, lol. I let them know that I understand that while their needs are different than mine their needs are still valid and I will make an effort to do better, and I do. And the other person usually also becomes more patient and understanding of me once they know I'm not snubbing them personally. That's called communication and compromise.

So what I find most concerning about your bf is the way he responded to you the one time you expressed your feelings. He turned it back on you, tried to make you feel defective and like your needs were just plain wrong. Your needs are not wrong; your feelings are not wrong. Your boyfriend's needs for space and low contact are not wrong either. However when people with different needs and expectations get together they need to be willing to compromise and work on their differences so that neither person feels like their needs are being dismissed. If they can't do that then maybe they just are not compatible. As it stands now, you are afraid to even discuss this with your boyfriend because you know he will react badly and somehow find fault with you just for having a need that he doesn't have. That's the real red flag.

You have only been dating him for 5 months. This is still the getting to know each other period where you get to decide if the person is truly a good match for you. Far too soon for talks about marriage and shared pets. So use this time wisely. Really consider if you want to tie yourself down to someone who won't meet your needs and who won't even let you express those needs in a rational adult conversation.

October 4, 2019

I have noticed when men/women don't feel in control and secure in their relationship they try to control little things like the number of text in a day. OP is unhappy in her relationship. Their face-to-face time together is unfulfilling for a few reasons we've read in this thread and probably more. She's trying to grab anything that will tell her he cares. Sweating the small stuff always is hiding bigger problems.

October 4, 2019

I'll have to beg to differ Gaeta. My thought is that is doesn't matter whether a couple talks 10 times a day or once a week. What matters is the two persons synchronicity with each other.

A harmonious pattern must be established, does it not, in order for two people to have a successful, healthy long term relationship.

What works for you and your bf may not be apropos for others.

Judgement from her partner is not conducive to harmony.

OP will need to figure this out but she is most certainly not unreasonable and should not be made to feel so.

I agree with Anika that at 5 months dating, this is the time to iron these things out or walk away if not possible. Life is indeed too short for whittling oneself into a circle to fit a circle. : )

Edited October 4, 2019 by Timshel

October 4, 2019

Exactly. One of the other commenters stated that sometimes her boyfriend goes a day or two without contacting her. That simply doesn't sound like a man in love to me, and I find that unacceptable.

When we are together the quality of the communication and interaction and experience of being together is completely and totally satisfying and comforting enough to sustain that comfortable feeling and reassurance for a day or so. We see each other often enough to make a phone call not all that necessary. What are we going to say? We've been together for 5 years. It's working and I don't feel insecure or worried in between at all. Some times we talk every day for a week. It varies. But usually every other day at least if we didn't see each other. I'm the first one he calls when something exciting or important happens and vice versa. He calls me if he has a question about something. He calls me for advice, ad infinitum. If I need something, he's there. If I'm upset, he's there. If my car breaks, he fixes it. If I have a problem, he supports me and gives advice if I ask for it. We travel together often. We treat each others kids like our own. What else should there be? There are so many other things that he says and does that let me know he loves me than a phone call could.

I might add that I am 60 and he is 66. Older folks are maybe just a little more "chill" about it all.

I can also say that I was engaged to a man who passed away 3 months before the wedding when I was 53. We didn't always talk every single solitary day when we were in the later stages of dating. We both had nice lives with hobbies, interests, etc. It was all good between us.

In the early stage of dating, first few months, I'm observing whether or not what or how a guy interacts with me and whether he naturally meets my dating needs. I don't spend a lot of time trying to teach him what works or doesn't work for me. Observe, evaluate, decide without having to pull on them, etc. It's OK to express a need especially after a few months of dating, but let them know what you want/need in a constructive way and then observe whether they try to accommodate and then observe how long they can keep that up for. If they remain consistent, great. If not, you have to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not and if you decide it's not a dealbreaker, then you need to live with it and not nag or denigrate them for it.

Edited October 4, 2019 by Redhead14

October 4, 2019

I feel like there is no black and white answer to this problem and I'm kind of sad to see so many posters on this thread being so harsh with the OP for expressing her needs and feelings. It reads like "just shut up and be a good girlfriend, don't trouble that poor man with your silly expectations. Just accept whatever attention he gives you and be grateful for it"

Thank you for this. The more I think about it, the more it seems he is more introverted than I originally thought. He probably went beyond his contact level comfort zone in the first few months out of excitement and because he saw I enjoyed the attention. Naturally, that can't be maintained for long.

I've changed my settings so that I no longer see the comments of those who chose to be harsh. There is a difference between being blunt and being rude.

Edited October 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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