Bf with ADHD reaches out less, seems less curious about me, takes longer to reply

October 3, 2019

I met my boyfriend 5 months ago, we've been in an exclusive relationship for 4 months. In the beginning, we couldn't get enough of each other--calls, lots of texts, both of us feeling on top of the world.

Naturally, this cannot be sustained forever. At some point, some focus has to return to work, family and friends, hobbies/interests, self growth, etc... I totally get this, and there is a nice benefit to letting anticipation grow so that when you DO see each other, there are lots of things to talk about.

That being said, his shift in behavior isn't sitting well with me. I first noticed it about a month to 6 weeks ago. Almost overnight, he started reaching out less. In the morning, he used to do things like ask how I slept, have a romantic or flirty comment, or wish me a good day. Then he'd reach out at least once during the day, around lunchtime or early afternoon, to briefly tell me how his day was going, to share some piece of information he learned about something we both have an interest in, or to tell me he's thinking about me and loves me. Now, all I get is a Good Morning and usually that's IT for the rest of the day and night when we're not seeing each other. Telling me Goodnight no longer happens at all. (The Goodnight thing doesn't bother me as much, as I totally understand people fall asleep while reading or watching TV, or it may be really late when one decides to go to bed and you don't want to wake the other person, etc...) Side note: sometimes, I will reach out first in the morning. I don't expect effort to be one-sided.

Another thing is he mostly no longer asks about my day, how I'm feeling, what my plans are on the evenings when we don't see each other, how an issue I told him about ended up working out, what I think about a certain topic in the news, etc... If I don't reveal this information on my own nowadays, it just doesn't get mentioned. I still make it a point to ask how he's feeling, especially if he's been under the weather or tired. I also ask questions regularly, because I have a genuine interest in his life, views and well-being.

Also, he has started taking longer to reply when I message. He used to reply within minutes, but now often takes hours. I don't expect instant replies, but I know he is frequently on his phone participating in online groups, fun activities, etc... Since I have noticed his pattern change, I am careful not to over text. I try to limit texts to updating him on things related to plans we made. Since he's changed, I now limit sending him texts about subjects that would be better suited for a female friend. Recently, he went a whole day with no response to a message. I was intitially concerned about his well-being because it's never happened before, but I got a little flustered when I saw that he was online. I sent another message saying that I felt my original message was important, and I was disappointed that he hadn't replied yet. This did NOT go over well with him, at all. He was annoyed and said he felt this was a warning sign about me. I was shocked, as I wasn't disrespectful with language and I'd never brought up any problem regarding this before. Just a couple of weeks beforehand, he'd told me he wanted me to communicate a little better regarding my needs. Then when I did, it caused tension. We were able to talk it out, and he hasn't taken a full day to reply since.

The good side is that we are still seeing each other as frequently as before (several times a week). Even so, there's a pattern change here as well. He used to ask at least a day in advance and make solid plans. Now, he waits until the day of to ask to see me and we decide on the spur of the moment what to do. Sometimes, I will ask to see him so that the effort isn't one-sided. We still have a blast when we're together, but most of the evenings we spend together have somehow evolved to watching TV on the couch and not really doing fun activities nearly as much. I'm not expecting him to spend loads of money wining and dining me, but there are a lot of free/low cost and fun activities in the city we live in.

He's a sensitive, smart, funny, passionate man and we connect! I love him a lot. He tells me he loves me too, but not as often as before and it's become "Love you" instead of "I love you." He still talks about having a future with me, I've met the important people in his life more than once, he still mentions me on social media frequently, and we have amazing intimacy.

I guess my question is how normal is all of this? Am I being totally unreasonable? After the way he reacted when I talked to him about not replying for a day, I don't want to bring any of this up to him. I don't want to become a nag, either. I want him to do those special little things he did before because he WANTS to and gets enjoyment from them, not because I all but forced him.

I'm in my 40s and he's in his 50s, just FYI.

Please advise. Thank you.

October 3, 2019

To answer your question, no this is not normal behavior of a man in a relationship. I think there's another woman. Sorry, but something stinks here.

October 3, 2019

I wanted to add that he's really good with my dogs. One of them got REALLY ill recently, and he went out of his way to help with care. This seems to indicate that he is still emotionally involved, despite my concerns.

October 3, 2019

To answer your question, no this is not normal behavior of a man in a relationship. I think there's another woman. Sorry, but something stinks here.

Even though he still claims me openly to family/friends and on social media? He's also brought up marriage several times and we're thinking about getting a pet together.

October 3, 2019

If you see each other several times a week then you don't need to text between visits. I am sure you can go through a day with just a good morning. Make yourself less needy. You're a grown woman, you can go through a day without him.

As for him not asking about your day anymore I think it's part of his personality, some men keep it up, after 4 years dating my bf always ask me how was my day and listen to every details of it because he's a chatter. Your boyfriend did it at first because he was courting you, now that you're settled in something steady he's slacking on the things he enjoys less. Actually I heard men are pretty bored listening at the details of our day especially if it involves office drama.

Dating is about discovering each other, at about 4-5 months that's when we let down our mask and reveal ourselves. This is him.

October 3, 2019

He's also brought up marriage several times and we're thinking about getting a pet together.

WAY too early to be discussing marriage and PLEASE don't get a pet together!! Adopting an animal is serious business and it's a commitment of 14+ years. You're way ahead of yourself here. Take time to know this man. After 2 years dating I was still discovering important things about my boyfriend.

October 3, 2019

If you see each other several times a week then you don't need to text between visits. I am sure you can go through a day with just a good morning. Make yourself less needy. You're a grown woman, you can go through a day without him.

As for him not asking about your day anymore I think it's part of his personality, some men keep it up, after 4 years dating my bf always ask me how was my day and listen to every details of it because he's a chatter. Your boyfriend did it at first because he was courting you, now that you're settled in something steady he's slacking on the things he enjoys less. Actually I heard men are pretty bored listening at the details of our day especially if it involves office drama.

Dating is about discovering each other, at about 4-5 months that's when we let down our mask and reveal ourselves. This is him.

Thank you for this. When he and I spend time together and he's as affectionate and kind as ever (pulling out chairs, smiling and joking, hugs, etc) I feel a lot better about things. If this behavior change when we aren't together is only about him settling in to our relationship, then that's totally fine. I just want to make sure this isn't some sort of slow fade.

October 3, 2019

WAY too early to be discussing marriage and PLEASE don't get a pet together!! Adopting an animal is serious business and it's a commitment of 14+ years. You're way ahead of yourself here. Take time to know this man. After 2 years dating I was still discovering important things about my boyfriend.

I mentioned those things only to make the point that he seems to still be interested in a future for us. He and I are not getting married soon, and we're not getting a pet right away. I should have made that clear. The rest of what I posted is what I need advice on.

Edited October 3, 2019 by GeorgiaPeach1

October 3, 2019

He is not the type to bring up negative things, so I'm concerned that maybe he's unhappy about something, but doesn't want to bring it up and risk causing a conflict. From a past experience and from what I've witnessed from others, sometimes things secretly build in a man until one day he announces he no longer wants the relationship. I've read similiar things, from both genders, on this very forum. There is no way to ask if there are any issues without appearing needy. It's a terrible feeling being blindsided, while the other person has taken his sweet time emotionally disconnecting and getting used to the idea of moving on.

October 3, 2019

Am I being totally unreasonable?

IMO opinion yes. You want way too much of his time.

Put your phone down & stay off it!

You have only been dating 5 months. A couple of dates per week & 1-2 short phone calls on the days you don't see each other should be more then sufficient. You cannot build or nurture a relationship through text. Stop thinking you can.

This idea people have that you must stay in constant contact 24/7 with a SO is ludicrous & smothering.

Back off. Get a life. If you are not in his face every day all the time he will be more interested when he does see you. Become more of a woman of mystery rather than this needy attention seeker you seem to be turning yourself into which is making you seem nutty & unattractive.

He sounds like a great guy. However at this point you are doing everything in your power to convince him that you are smothering p.i.t.a. Stop. If you stop freaking out about his good morning texts he will be happier to give you the attention you crave.

You cannot expect a SO of only 5 months to be as intertwined in your life as a spouse of 5+ years.

He is unhappy. You are smothering the poor guy. Stop.

October 3, 2019

You're being a bit harsh. Not the first time. He is not aware I'm concerned, other than that one small time I said something. The whole point of me posting here is to vent and not bring stress to our relationship, especially if nothing is wrong. If you consider that being nutty, then so be it.

Edited October 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

October 3, 2019

I'd be a complete fool to not at least question the behavior change. At the end of the day, it will likely be just settling into a comfortable routine, but it's good to seek advice rather than assuming something bad.

I am not expecting him to do anything more than what he started off doing and maintained for months, all on his own. If I need to lower my expectations as time goes on, that is fine. I just want to make sure something isn't wrong.

October 3, 2019

Have you tried talking to him? Tell him that you appreciate a text in the morning and a good night text at the end of the day - with just a little discussion about how the day has gone and how you are doing? Set your expectations realistically, but he can’t meet them if he doesn’t know what they are...

Further, I think I would tell him that you love the “spontaneity” of your dates, but sometimes it’s nice to make plans and have something to look forward to during the week.

It’s possible that the drop in communication is because of another woman. Four to five months is still early in the relationship - as has been said, you are still getting to know each other and learning about each other. Have fun with this but watch his actions, and don’t get too far ahead of yourself yet with the plans for a life together... he hasn’t completely earned your trust yet.

October 3, 2019

Have you tried talking to him? Tell him that you appreciate a text in the morning and a good night text at the end of the day - with just a little discussion about how the day has gone and how you are doing? Set your expectations realistically, but he can’t meet them if he doesn’t know what they are...

Further, I think I would tell him that you love the “spontaneity” of your dates, but sometimes it’s nice to make plans and have something to look forward to during the week.

It’s possible that the drop in communication is because of another woman. Four to five months is still early in the relationship - as has been said, you are still getting to know each other and learning about each other. Have fun with this but watch his actions, and don’t get too far ahead of yourself yet with the plans for a life together... he hasn’t completely earned your trust yet.

I appreciate your reply. I really don't think there is another woman, but it's possible.

About a week ago, my phone's battery had a problem and he handed his phone to me and left the room, while I looked up the information I was looking for. I don't think he would have done that had he been messaging and calling another woman. That being said, I respected his privacy and did not check his messages or call history.

October 3, 2019

You're being a bit harsh. Not the first time. He is not aware I'm concerned, other than that one small time I said something. The whole point of me posting here is to vent and not bring stress to our relationship, especially if nothing is wrong. If you consider that being nutty, then so be it.

I'm blunt. It can come off as harsh I'm sorry for that.

Venting here is part of what LS is for. If the guy doesn't know you are feeling insecure that is probably better. From your post & your expectations I got the impression you were smothering him. If that is what I think from reading it, you have to be aware of what he might think, receiving the messages etc.

I really think that you are working yourself into a lather for no reason. I see a lot of good in him & your relationship. Focus on that & don't be so hung up on how often he texts you or how long it takes to respond.

I want to see you happy. I think you will be if you dial it back, lower your expectations & do other fun things when you two are apart.

October 3, 2019

I think it's normal for communication to change as you settle into a relationship, so as long as you are still seeing each other with regularity and your in person interactions seem okay everything is probably fine. As others have mentioned, you are now seeing the real him and not the him that he presents when he is on his best behavior, so it's up to you to decide if it's what you want.

The good side is that we are still seeing each other as frequently as before (several times a week). Even so, there's a pattern change here as well. He used to ask at least a day in advance and make solid plans. Now, he waits until the day of to ask to see me and we decide on the spur of the moment what to do. Sometimes, I will ask to see him so that the effort isn't one-sided.

You didn't say, but I assume at least some of the time when he asks to see you at the last minute you have to decline because you already have plans? If not, you should be because you shouldn't be sitting around hoping he asks to do something. I personally don't like this because I like to know what I'm doing in advance and my calendar fills up. If you dislike this, you should talk to him about it.

We still have a blast when we're together, but most of the evenings we spend together have somehow evolved to watching TV on the couch and not really doing fun activities nearly as much. I'm not expecting him to spend loads of money wining and dining me, but there are a lot of free/low cost and fun activities in the city we live in.

Is he saying no when you suggest doing other things? Because if so, you can just say "Oh, I'd rather do something other than watch TV tonight, so let's just plan to get together another night," or something like that. You may just be finding out that he's more of of a couch potato than you thought. Again, up to you whether this is acceptable.

October 3, 2019

He was realistic and saw the need to get off this rat-on-a-wheel texting cycle and peel it back to something sustainable. To me, his rate of communication is ideal. I think seeing several times a week is still too much, really, but maybe it means you can marry someday. He got tired of the maintenance. Come on, texting sweet nothings gets very tedious real quick! It's boring, it's time consuming, and it's no measure of how much someone cares.

Adapt or you're liable to end up alone and not just from him. Busy people don't have time for all that mindless maintenance. It doesn't sound like you have a massive problem with it, but if you do, it's your own insecurity and you can get help with that if it becomes an impediment to sustaining a relationship. Sure, lots of people are like that at the beginning when excitement is running high and/or they're trying to get in your pants, but trust me, this is not anything that can last in real life, that level of maintenance.

October 3, 2019

You didn't say, but I assume at least some of the time when he asks to see you at the last minute you have to decline because you already have plans? If not, you should be because you shouldn't be sitting around hoping he asks to do something. I personally don't like this because I like to know what I'm doing in advance and my calendar fills up. If you dislike this, you should talk to him about it.

Is he saying no when you suggest doing other things? Because if so, you can just say "Oh, I'd rather do something other than watch TV tonight, so let's just plan to get together another night," or something like that. You may just be finding out that he's more of of a couch potato than you thought. Again, up to you whether this is acceptable.

You bring up an important point. I don't think I have enough of a social life outside of him. This needs to change ASAP. Friends and hobbies have taken a backseat, and I will change this.

If this is just who he is (quiet couch potato) after the honeymoon phase, I can accept it. He has a lot of good qualities and this is the healthiest relationship I've been in.

Edited October 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

October 3, 2019

He was realistic and saw the need to get off this rat-on-a-wheel texting cycle and peel it back to something sustainable. To me, his rate of communication is ideal. I think seeing several times a week is still too much, really, but maybe it means you can marry someday. He got tired of the maintenance. Come on, texting sweet nothings gets very tedious real quick! It's boring, it's time consuming, and it's no measure of how much someone cares.

Adapt or you're liable to end up alone and not just from him. Busy people don't have time for all that mindless maintenance. It doesn't sound like you have a massive problem with it, but if you do, it's your own insecurity and you can get help with that if it becomes an impediment to sustaining a relationship. Sure, lots of people are like that at the beginning when excitement is running high and/or they're trying to get in your pants, but trust me, this is not anything that can last in real life, that level of maintenance.

It's a bit of a stretch to predict that I'll possibly end up alone lol but I think you make some good points. I need to adjust my expectations and cut him some slack.

October 3, 2019

You bring up an important point. I don't think I have enough of a social life outside of him. This needs to change ASAP. Friends and hobbies have taken a backseat, and I will change this..

I can't imagine what it feels like to sit by my phone and wait for a text to come in. I can't imagine it because I am so busy I don't have time to get to half of my to-do list in a day. I suggest you get into something, maybe the gym, take a night course, volunteer at your local animal shelter, go back to girls night. More things you'll do, more interesting things you'll have to talk about, and it will make you more alive and interesting to him. Your boyfriend must have noticed you have nothing outside of him and that is a lot of pressure on a man's shoulders.

October 3, 2019

Overall, I think I got caught up in the initial phase of a new, sweet romance. As I stated in my original post, I know the sweet words and deeds 24/7 can't be sustained forever. I need to take a more balanced approach to my expectations, as well as get back to friends and interests that I put on the back burner.

He has asked me to attend his brothers wedding coming up soon, and I think that's a good sign.

I feel a lot better after getting this off my chest. Sometimes putting a situation into words helps one see it more clearly. I'd rather post here (and look nutty) than bring all this to a man who has been good to me.

Thank you all who took the time to read and reply!

October 3, 2019

I can't imagine what it feels like to sit by my phone and wait for a text to come in. I can't imagine it because I am so busy I don't have time to get to half of my to-do list in a day. I suggest you get into something, maybe the gym, take a night course, volunteer at your local animal shelter, go back to girls night. More things you'll do, more interesting things you'll have to talk about, and it will make you more alive and interesting to him. Your boyfriend must have noticed you have nothing outside of him and that is a lot of pressure on a man's shoulders.

I can't image what sitting by the phone waiting for a text feels like either, because I don't do that. No where did I say that. Take care.

October 3, 2019

Georgia: This is a time to discover each other and a time to decide if you're compatible or not for long term. If you'd like a man that is romantic, that is into giving compliments, that is very verbal about his love then don't settle for less. It doesn't mean this man doesn't appreciate you or isn't loyal but it could mean he's not what you need.

I personally have no problem with not hearing from my bf all day, I am busy yes, but also when when we're together he gives me his full attention. Even 4 years down the road he'll tell me each day I'm beautiful and I'm important to him, when I talk he's completely focused on me. I think it's why I can go without communication during the day, because out time together is fulfilling.

October 3, 2019

I can't image what sitting by the phone waiting for a text feels like either, because I don't do that. No where did I say that. Take care.

I said that figuratively. You are waiting for his communication even if you're not sitting by the phone.

October 3, 2019

I really think that you are working yourself into a lather for no reason. I see a lot of good in him & your relationship. Focus on that & don't be so hung up on how often he texts you or how long it takes to respond.

I agree completely. Give the man room to breathe for heaven's sake. You shouldn't expect him to spend every waking minute thinking about you, much less texting continuously throughout the day and acting as if it's still the first week or two.

If you're seeing each other several times a week and things are good, don't screw it up by projecting extreme expectations and insecurities. Just roll with it and be happy. Expectations such as this are way too much pressure. Let it go, relax!

PS: You should be initiating too.

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Bf with ADHD reaches out less, seems less curious about me, takes longer to reply

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