schlumpy Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 I'm astounded at the amount of ire raging through this thread over what I would consider a commonplace irritation that occurs frequently not only between spouses, but also between SOs, friends, coworkers, etc... Even Basil took time out from her busy schedule to "show me the light." I think I still feel her hand print on my neck. Basil - my reply was tongue and cheek but it did have a serious point. This happens all the time. I've stopped being sensitive to it. I take the measure of the person I'm dealing with be it my wife or someone else and if things like that are a problem for them then I make my own arrangements. I don't put myself in a position where it's necessary to impose. I don't know what's fully going on between this couple on a daily basis. If her boy friend is displaying this behavior all the time then she needs to bail because he's sending her a message but if this an infrequent event between them then it's not worth fighting over in my humble opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 Say it's not about coffee all you want, but I'll maintain that any guy who doesn't understand and accept that there's a quality/value difference between crappy dispenser coffee and a cup freshly brewed from decent grounds is a moron. You said it sister! Seriously, in the time it took to talk her out of it, she could have had it already. Observe closely this fellow OP. What a stupid thing to complain to you and his roommate about. He seems super extra. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 What was this "important" time crunch? I don't think he gets the whole "quality" coffee thing. He thinks that coffee shop coffee is a waste of money and was not willing to go out of his way to get you one. He didn't really want to make you a coffee either, the offer was just a ruse to get you out of there, so the coffee machine was the best option he saw to get you your fix, with little effort on his part. Of course this could be a control thing. He deliberately wound you up. Instead of trying to please you and be "nice" so you would have a good time, he was perhaps being obstructive to take you down a peg and to make a point... If this is his usual MO, then time to reassess the situation, especially if you cannot reasonably be assured a good time when you are with him. Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 I’ll agree with people who say it’s not about the coffee. What happened here is that he didn’t want to stop for coffee so he offered you home made coffee so you would accept to not stop, then got you to drink the machine brewed instant coffee AND tried to make you look like the demanding girlfriend to his roommate. The fact he is ignoring you now means he is trying to condition you into not speaking up (speaking up = silence treatment) You feel gross because you’ve been manipulated. Run for your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Twizzlestick Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 This is so petty. Squabbling over coffee? come on! You both acted immature. Let it go and move on. There are much more important things on the world than free high quality coffee. This. Astonished at the depth some folk go into over this. “He’s controlling you etc etc”. He might have just had enough of a high strung coffee prima Donna that day, had just had his tooth drilled out, his dog died, his car broke down and snapped like a twig. God every rele would collapse if you did this over every argument - arguments rarely make sense. You can’t have mini psychoanalysis over every squabble. People err, people are flawed. You have to have latitude, bet OP you’re guilty of ugly things. Everyone is. Like I say, if your rele has ongoing issues then that’s the time for appraisal, not because of coffee gate . Chill, it’s only beans. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 I could not agree with you more Twizzlestick. Which is why that the bf couldn't stand aside for 3 minutes for the OP to grab some coffee, then proceeded to mislead his gf about brewing some and then go home and vetch about it makes him the high strung individual in my opinion. Usually, people in love make excuses for their partner's rotten behavior. They want to work it out. The question remains...is this a one off or is this controlling, passive aggressive nonsense something that she wants so much to not mind but underneath it truly does because she made a thread about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 ...My boyfriend says I bring on arguments too suddenly and in moments where we are having a good time but I am not sure what to do because I cannot reasonably always have a good time. ...I'm really anxious because I don't want to start a fight and he is going to say that I want to start a fight and that I am ruining a good moment. ...He is kind of pushy about a lot of things. I just feel really gross right now. ^^^ There is definitely more to this than just coffee.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 I'm really anxious because I don't want to start a fight and he is going to say that I want to start a fight and that I am ruining a good moment. Healthyhopes, what you are describing is called "walking on eggshells". This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It's time to do what's healthy for you if you hope to be happy which is to end this relationship right now -- today. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 Couples squabble. If you continue to dwell on and rehash every little squabble, I'd have to agree with the boyfriend that you start too many fights. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 Couples squabble. If you continue to dwell on and rehash every little squabble, I'd have to agree with the boyfriend that you start too many fights. How did she start a fight? She simply wanted to stop for two minutes to get coffee at a time when she wasn't feeling good. Wanting to stop for coffee is widely understood(at least I thought) that the person is dragging or perhaps has a headache. BF said he'd make her coffee at home ... but at his place, he directs her to cheap, motor-oil, coffee machine. And ... then he criticizes her for wanting to spend money on coffee in the first place. I cannot imagine being out with someone who tells me they need to get a coffee and then dismissing that and then criticizing them. Cannot imagine it. You're comfortable with that? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GoreSP Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 This. Astonished at the depth some folk go into over this. “He’s controlling you etc etc”. He might have just had enough of a high strung coffee prima Donna that day, had just had his tooth drilled out, his dog died, his car broke down and snapped like a twig. God every rele would collapse if you did this over every argument - arguments rarely make sense. You can’t have mini psychoanalysis over every squabble. People err, people are flawed. You have to have latitude, bet OP you’re guilty of ugly things. Everyone is. Like I say, if your rele has ongoing issues then that’s the time for appraisal, not because of coffee gate . Chill, it’s only beans. I think the issue here here is how he got her to accept to not stop to get coffee, promised he would make fresh coffee, then told her before they even got to his place he didn't want to make a fresh pot a coffee and she can just get coffee from the machine. Not to mention airing out the dirty laundry to the roommate. Sure, we only have OPs version but say she had been a high strong caffeine diva or he was having a bad day, the simplest route here would have been to just stop at the damn coffee place (unless there is a reason they needed to get going, like catching a bus, which isn't mentionned in OPs post) For someone who has lived through a toxic relationship, this kind of«squabble» is all too familiar and probably why you got so much people «psychoanalysing» OPs dude. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 There is only one observation I would like to make. Coffee is the Nectar of the Gods. Throughout my life, it is really the one thing that is constant. When I was in the hospital sicker than death itself, the only thing worth drinking, and the one thing no objected to me having was all the hot coffee I wanted. I can obtain any quality of coffee I desire without fear of breaking a law. Coffee is so intoxicating a beverage, certain religions forbid their practitioners from drinking it. I maintain that if coffee was around in the time of Christ, He would be a Colombian man. If God appeared today and said it is the end of the world, I figure I could change his mind over a good, relaxing cup of hot coffee, and if he said that the coffee on earth is only a shadow of the coffee they have in heaven, I'd say bring on the judgement! People come and go. Ideas die. Philosophies whither. Even alcohol gets banned. Only coffee is true and decent. Heck, even the used grinds make a good fertilizer. To the OP: if your man can't be honest over a simple cup of joe, dump the bum and never look back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 How about this. On the next date (if there is one) she could fill a thermos with his favorite rich dark coffee. Then when he tries to do the old bait and switch with the (ugh) instant coffee machine she pulls out that thermos and drinks that coffee right in front of him looking lovingly into his eyes with every sip. That should level up the playing field. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 How did she start a fight? She didn't start a fight this time (but she still might based on her starting this thread). I just mean that this squabble seems pretty typical of relationship squabbles. He didn't feel like stopping to get coffee, told her he'd make some at home, changed his mind, then changed it back, told her "Starbucks" is overpriced anyway (which it is), she got mad at his attitude.....honestly, seems like two people maybe in bad moods and getting on each other's nerves. We only have this one example to go on. If she makes a mountain out of a mole hill with each squabble, I can see his point. She doesn't seem to want to let it go since she posted this thread. I do agree with @Poutrew, though. Coffee really is the nectar of the gods. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 If she makes a mountain out of a mole hill with each squabble, I can see his point. 100% Agree, it's just coffee. In life, sometimes you get a vending machine cup of coffee. Its not the end of the world, I can't believe THIS would be the cause of an argument. Personally, I would have dumped her if she complained about not receiving her special cup of coffee. NEXT!! I can remember taking night classes at college, all there was (at night) was vending machine coffee. (Cafeteria was closed for the night students) It was hot, it had caffeine in it and I was thankful to have it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 He started to argue with me asking if I know how much coffee is actually worth (he says it's actually 25 cents) and that I would be overpaying at a coffee shop anyways. Who is he to tell you what you can and cannot buy yourself? If you want to buy yoursel a $4.25 coffee it's your darn business and he has no saying in it. Listen, he treats you like your his kid *No I am not driving you there...* No you cannot buy yourself a $4 coffee...* No I don't feel like starting the coffee machine for you *... get yourself a cheap coffee in hallway. Do you EVER get your way in this relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 Omg both of you are so frugal. What the hell 25 cent I bet you both make good money, you just frugal, that's insane. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 5, 2019 Share Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) I'm surprised so many see this as a petty argument about coffee. It seems to me the issue isn't coffee at all. To me the issue is 1. that she felt almost sick, there was something that would relieve her, and her bf wouldn't make time for it. and 2. that he told her he'd make her coffee at home and then didn't follow through on his word. If someone is feeling really bad and there's a way they can be helped within reason (which, to me, stopping for a cup of coffee would be) to me it's selfish not to do so. And, to give one's word that they'll do something, even a small thing, and not follow through on it is lacking in character. Most of us have done the above grievances at some time or other but to me that doesn't excuse the behavior. After such behavior seems to me a person should apologize. Also, there are times for some people when one's strength has been so depleted that to get some caffeine is truly medicinal and is much needed. If you've never gotten to this state, I can understand why you may think it's petty to not get the coffee you need. But, it can make a huge difference in the ability to even carry on a conversation for some people when they are exhausted. And PS. Yes, I know she got the junk coffee in the end. Still doesn't excuse his lack of caring for her. And his not keeping his word to her. Petty? No! Integrity or lack thereof shows up in the little things before it makes itself known in the big things! We all make mistakes but this guy made two big ones. Didn't show compassion, instead was selfish. And didn't keep his word. THEN, instead of being accountable and apologizing, he blames her! What a neanderthal! Edited October 5, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 what you are describing is called "walking on eggshells". This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It's time to do what's healthy for you if you hope to be happy which is to end this relationship right now -- today. On the flip side her bf said they had spent too long shopping. Perhaps he had exercised his patience to the limit?? Who is walking on eggshells? Tbh the op sounds very demanding , she initially said that she wanted cold coffee because she can’t do hot coffee. But then decided hot coffee is ok as long as It is good quality? What a load of BS!! Don’t you think? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 No, I don’t think. Couples need to ce considerate of the small needs of each other. Her request was small yet he refused it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 (edited) It seems to me the issue isn't coffee at all. To me the issue is 1. that she felt almost sick, there was something that would relieve her, and her bf wouldn't make time for it. Also, there are times for some people when one's strength has been so depleted that to get some caffeine is truly medicinal and is much needed. You say the issue isn’t about coffee but then your point you make is ALL about coffee. She wasn’t “sick” , and if she was and caffeine was “medicinal” as you suggest , then it would not matter how that caffeine was administered. Right? She got her caffeine to wake her up. She just didn’t like the taste. So yes , it is all about the coffee and her preference and nothing to do with caffeine at all. Too high maintenance in my book! If she wants her frappe at her bfs place then she needs to figure out a way, not him! Edited October 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 So Maggie, if he’d denied her two minutes to buy some shampoo from the drugstore because she’d run out, what would your response be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 she initially said that she wanted cold coffee because she can’t do hot coffee. But then decided hot coffee is ok as long as It is good quality? What a load of BS!! I have a very sensitive stomach and regular coffee is too acid, a good quality dark roast coffee makes a huge difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 Too high maintenance in my book! If she wants her frappe at her bfs place then she needs to figure out a way, not him! 100% Agree... She is an adult. If her "special coffee" is required and nothing else will do, she should make some at her home, put it in a thermos and bring it along. She'll have hot coffee for hours while they travel/adventure. When I worked, I took a thermos of hot coffee to work everyday, not because I wanted "special coffee", but because I was cheap. A $5.00 tub of Kroger coffee would last me a month or so. When my girlfriend and I travel and have to get up early, I break out the "BIG" thermos, so we can both enjoy coffee going up the road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2019 Share Posted October 6, 2019 This thread reminds me day after day how glad I am to have a sensitive boyfriend that would never treat me in this paternalistic way. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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