BF and I got into an argument about coffee

[healthyhopes]

I guess mainly I just want to vent. I'm not sure what to think here.

 

My boyfriend says I bring on arguments too suddenly and in moments where we are having a good time but I am not sure what to do because I cannot reasonably always have a good time.

 

Today we were going to his place to cook together and since I had very little sleep over the last two days, I asked if we could stop by a coffee shop really quick so I could buy some coffee. I really wanted a specific drink-- either a cold brew coffee or a specialty iced drink-- because the acid from hot coffee was getting to me and giving me heartburn and I really needed something caffeinated. He said we already took too much time shopping for food and there was a time crunch and we had to go. I said it would only be a minute (there was no line and iced coffee is poured quickly at this location). He said he could make me coffee at his house. This was really nice of him and I said ok because even if the coffee would be hot, it would be high quality and I would not have to pay.

 

As we walk more and get to his house he tells me that he is not making me coffee because he doesn't want to start a new pot and instead I will use the coffee machine in his apartment complex. This machine eats a quarter and then gives you bad hot coffee. I told him I didn't want this because I explicitly agreed to high quality coffee that he said he would make for me. Also, I make him coffee all the time. He started to argue with me asking if I know how much coffee is actually worth (he says it's actually 25 cents) and that I would be overpaying at a coffee shop anyways. I'm really upset but also he didn't know the reasoning I had for wanting the specific coffee in the store anyways, so I guess it's fine.

 

Eventually we get to his house and he is a bit snarky but makes me the coffee. I thank him. His roommate/best friend walks in and after some friendly conversation he tells him that I was mad at him today, airing the dirty laundry out just like that. I then tell his roommate exactly why I was mad and I think realizing that his roommate kind of agreed with me, he cut me off and changed the topic.

 

I texted him about 3 hours ago thanking him for making me coffee and asking him if he could please be less pushy. He says he doesn't understand and I said that I didn't like how he demanded that I do x instead of y. He hasn't responded but has been online. I'm really anxious because I don't want to start a fight and he is going to say that I want to start a fight and that I am ruining a good moment. I also am now doubting whether I am in the wrong or the right here or if I am obsessing over something minor.

 

He is kind of pushy about a lot of things. I just feel really gross right now.

[Poutrew]

Dump him. If you stay with him, be prepared for more snarkyness concerning the most frivolous of things. Is this really how you want to spend your future?

[basil67]

If it was a one off thing, I'd advise you to let it go. If you were rushing for a bus, I'd advise you to let it go. But it doesn't sound like either of these things. Honestly, he sounds like he's being a real jerk.

 

How long have you been with him? If it's less than six months and this is his best behaviour, I'd hate to see him when he settles down and relaxes into less careful behaviour.

[LivingWaterPlease]

What's his roommate like? Maybe you should switch to him as he sounds a lot better! Just kidding, sorry to be making light when you're hurting!

 

All that to say it sounds to me as if this guy's a jerk! If this is how he behaves all the time, I'd advise you to move on.

 

There's a world full of men out there and some of them are wonderful! Don't settle for a jerk!

 

I'm really sorry you didn't have the comfort of either of the coffees you wanted today when your bf could have easily granted your request.

[divegrl]

Breathe my friend.

 

When we have anxiety it makes little things SEEM like big things.

 

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Take care!!!

[winny]

My boyfriend says I bring on arguments too suddenly and in moments where we are having a good time but I am not sure what to do because I cannot reasonably always have a good time.

 

This is low level gaslighting. Be careful.

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't about coffee in and of itself.

 

What are the bigger problems in your relationship? Is he normally so agitated and short-tempered? I am sensing a lot of underlying hostility but will wait for you to provide more context before commenting further.

[Lotsgoingon]

He's controlling and disrespectful .... talks you out of coffee because of a time crunch ... but no hard deadline? ... nope!

 

Takes you to their place and then says you can get machine coffee ... uh, big problem ... he just lied ... Worth a fight right then and there.

 

Both of the above are red flags ..

 

He started to argue with me asking if I know how much coffee is actually worth (he says it's actually 25 cents) and that I would be overpaying at a coffee shop anyways. I'm really upset but also he didn't know the reasoning I had for wanting the specific coffee in the store anyways, so I guess it's fine.

It's none of his business how much you pay for coffee. You can tell him to shut up when he does this. Are you guys married and on a joint budget ... even then couples don't talk to each other as he is talking to you.

 

Do NOT thank someone for being a jerk. You can't back down ... or he'll be a consistent jerk.

 

I'm really anxious because I don't want to start a fight and he is going to say that I want to start a fight and that I am ruining a good moment. What the heck are you talking about, you DO indeed want to argue on behavior like this. There is no good moment when someone can't even respect you enough to let you buy a cup of coffee to help you through your day.

 

Don't let this guy question your choices. I dated a woman who was vegetarian and didn't drink coffee. I eat meat and drink tons of coffee. I would get her vegetarian food and she also was aware of finding places where I could eat meat. I don't think we had one conversation on our eating differences--because it was basic respect.

 

Dump this guy ... and go work on your esteem.

 

No way is this about "coffee." This kind of person does the same in all areas of life ... he can't help it.

[c1nderella]

Lmao and this is why i don’t drink coffee

 

This is ridiculous! Why are you all telling this woman to dump this guy over this coffee situation! So petty and childish.

 

You are obviously making a very big deal about little things and he’s fed up about it. It seems to me as if you’re the one who is having a problem with him. Look within yourself..there’s obviously some built up anger you’re holding on towards him and now you’re arguing with him over small things. Speak in person not over the phone about what’s really going on in your relationship. Be grown ups..make sure you drink your morning coffee before you do this too.

Edited October 3, 2019 by c1nderella

[Maggiemay1]

I texted him about 3 hours ago thanking him for making me coffee and asking him if he could please be less pushy.

He says he doesn't understand and I said that I didn't like how he demanded that I do x instead of y.

He hasn't responded but has been online. I'm really anxious because I don't want to start a fight and he is going to say that I want to start a fight and that I am ruining a good moment. I also am now doubting whether I am in the wrong or the right here

 

You don’t want to start a fight yet you message him thanking him for making you coffee??? Oh please!!!

You are gunning for a fight bringing it up AGAIN, OR expecting an apology for which he doesnt really owe you one!?

 

You said you don’t like him demanding x over y? He offered coffee , you just didn’t like the choice , wasn’t good enough for you!

 

Whereas you were the one to initially demand iced coffee! ???

 

Sorry but you sound too high maintenance for him.

If you want cold coffee on the run , then bring it in a flask with ice?

 

What exactly do you want to achieve here??

You said just to vent but then asked a question?

[Twizzlestick]

Lmao and this is why i don’t drink coffee

 

This is ridiculous! Why are you all telling this woman to dump this guy over this coffee situation! .

 

Inclined to agree.

 

Without context it’s just a petty arguement.

 

It sounds like classic mutual grouchy behaviour. People can get mega grouchy when they simply spend too much time with each other and have stress going on. You end up with these petty snagglings, just arguing for the sake of arguing. Nip nip wah wah. All that stuff. It sounds like you’re arguing over arguing. I mean, a cup of fancy coffee isn’t really worth fighting over in itself.

 

If this is common for you two and you’re always at each other then different I guess.

[basil67]

A cup of fancy coffee may not be worth a fight. But not allowing someone 2 minutes to pick up something they want without good reason (such as catching a bus) is not good form.

 

And I may not drink coffee, but if someone denied me two minutes to buy my Twinings tea on the way past and then expected me to drink Liptons, there would be problems......

[schlumpy]

These minor things that you are arguing about are present in every relationship. Everybody does this. This is nothing significant or special that you should be thinking of have therapy or viewing your boyfriend through the lens of a controlling jerk.

 

The solution is for you to control the events. The next date you have you should plan. You should drive and make the arrangements. You make sure things are running on time. That way if you want to make time to drive the to next city for that extra special latte and he protests, let him out at the next street corner and then go get your special drink.

 

Don't forget to pick him up on the way home.

[PRW]

BF and I got into an argument about coffee

I told someone I used to date that coffee was pure evil. Then I tell people on here to never do coffee dates because they are the fast track to the friend zone. But now, after this, I can see that no good thing ever comes from coffee. Coffee is clearly the spawn of the devil.

[Maddie82]

This is so petty. Squabbling over coffee? come on! You both acted immature. Let it go and move on. There are much more important things on the world than free high quality coffee.

[fromheart]

Really not sure why you are with him. Surely you deserve better?

[Gaeta]

I am 100% with Lotsgoingon. This is not about coffee.

 

 

 

If I check your history you have been dating this guy for less than 4 months and he's already arrogant, controlling, lying, denigrating you AND you said he's like this in many other aspects of your relationships. It's time to set him free.

[preraph]

You don't want to marry someone who is pushy about things. This is no doubt an old habit that will not change. So why stay invested when you could be looking for someone more suitable.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't have a fight about coffee. You had a fight because he is not a nurturing person. You wanted coffee. You were prepared to pay for it. In exchange for not taking time at the coffee shop he made you an offer to make you coffee while you were cooking then he rescinded that offer & wanted you to do something inferior. You were hurt by that reversal & your upset is understandable.

 

Recognize from this that your guy doesn't have your best interests at heart. If you see more of this cavalier attitude you may want to revisit the relationship.

[basil67]

Maddie, tt's not about coffee. It's about him not allowing her a measly two minutes to do something she wants when there's no good reason to have to run out. I would never, ever do this to someone I valued.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Say it's not about coffee all you want, but I'll maintain that any guy who doesn't understand and accept that there's a quality/value difference between crappy dispenser coffee and a cup freshly brewed from decent grounds is a moron.

 

Nothing else really matters here, IMO.

 

But it does seem like he was willing to put more time and energy into preventing you from doing something you wanted than it would have taken to just go along with it, so if his horrible taste and wacked-out quality meter isn't enough to dump him, there IS that too.

[emeraldgreen]

He's inflexible and incapable of rolling with the punches.

[basil67]

The solution is for you to control the events.

 

Controlling the event is exactly the problem. If the OP takes control, there's still a lack of cohesiveness. The solution is to work together and to respect each other's needs.

[kendahke]

you two are incompatible. He doesn't extend much courtesy to you, he renigs on his word when he says he'll do something then he wants to land on your head because he didn't feel like doing what he said he would.

 

 

Stop being afraid. Instead use that energy to rethink the wisdom in being with someone who treats you like this. This guy has borderline contempt for your esteem, going by what you wrote about him.

[spiderowl]

You might not want a fight but you either put up with his selfish and thoughtless behaviour or stand up to him. A third way is to dump him - which seems a good idea!

 

It is manipulative to divert you from something you particularly wanted to do and then to offer you a lesser substitute than was promised.

 

What do you like about this guy? He doesn't sound very nice.