Missdy Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) I wasn't too sure which forum to put this. We are both female I am almost 23 and she is almost 31. I met this woman (I'll call her J) through the love of a certain band . We met online and it's like a kinda friendship group around them where fans talk and sometimes go to shows together etc. Not many of the fans are from the same country, so when I found out she was I got talking to her. 6 of us all women got especially close and we formed a WhatsApp group chat. Now we all are attracted to the guys in the band and we would often talk about that, sometimes honestly it would get a bit vulgar haha esp about one of the guys in particular. But J joined in just as much!! And itwas just a good laugh with a bunch of women. The last few weeks me and her have been getting closer. We are bisexual and we are attracted to each other. We speak on thr phone for hours, have phone sex, we share none intimate pics, we talk about meeting in person this month, she was super sweet to me and made me happy. It was all going so well then suddenly she changed on me and everything makes her jealous!! She told me she didn't like me complimenting one of our other friends. All I did was call her cute cause she sent us all a pic. J sent her the heart eye emoji too so what's the difference?? But she said she doesn't know why I had to talk about her looks. I told her my ex was controlling and jealous and that she was making me feel that way right now. She didn't care really and said I was saying her feelings don't matter and if I think she's controlling we should stop talking. She all of a sudden is jealous of me making comments about A ROCKSTAR who we both have made comments about.she says that was before we became closer so it's different now. I made the mistake of saying I wanted to do a sexual thing with him after the first time she got jealous about the cute comment. She got mad and I was trying to explain to her that he's just a celeb I'll never meet. That it's not like I'm talking to others or dating others or whatever. She told me to f*ck off. I don't make those kinda comments anymore cause ok maybe she has a point on that. I told her I was staying at my friend's house for the weekend, like I do most weekends. She asked me if we are more than friends. I got defensive and said I'm allowed to have friends!! She aid she never said I'm not and that she should be allowed to wonder and ask questions, cause she didn't know if we were f*ck buddies or something. But I TOLD HER I wasn't seeing anyone else!! She said she's trying not to get angry but that I was being unreasonable for being annoyed at her asking?! She was jealous that I have to talk to this guy every day at work. I understand this one the most cause I told her when we first got talkimg as just friends, that I had a feelings for this guy.but I also told her I was done with him that same night cause he was being a jerk!! I explained I'm literally have to give him his work everyday and that we now ONLY talk about work which is true. She said "I don't give a f*ck I don't believe you" I said does she expect me to get demoted from my job?? Are you crazy?? To which she replied "are you a stupid tw*t,?" Strangely that night we had a LOVELY long chat on the phone. I had a terrible day at work a few days ago. Everything is super super stressful at work atm and I've told her all about that. My mother who lives in a different country is in hospital and I can't be there so I'm also dealing with that!! I told her that night I don't think I'll be in the mood to talk on the phone and yes she lost it saying I'm putting everything before her. She said I only care about myself and said "you're a b*tch" then later on she said she felt rejected by me and that's why. Finally today we are texting just fine and then I made a dumb comment in group chat. That nobody is hotter than that rockstar (in response to a question) well she LOST IT. Called me a child said I need to grow up. That my crush is stopping anything happening between us. That she's asked me time and time again to keep that sh*t away from her. Then she left the group chat and said I will have to explain to them why and that it's my fault (I didn't) she said I'm young and stupid with no life experience. I did get mad back at her this time cause i had HAD ENOUGH!! I asked her who tf she thinks she's talking to and how dare she call me childish when she's jealous over a celeb. She said that she told me she loves me earlier and she would've treated me like a queen but I'm not ready for it. That I've f*cked things up between me and her and i don't see how I'm disrespectful. Then she BLCKED ME but went back into group chat, then later unblocked me but said nothing!! My head is spinning have I done wrong or is she unreasonable?? I really do like her and when we get on it's amazing . When she's not mad she's so funny and sweet , tells me I'm beautiful etc. but I'm just tired and stressed from work and this. I've told her on phone too that it upsets me when she's jealous. Thinking maybe if she hears it in my voice, but she said she doesn't care cause she's upset too and I'm doing things to cause the jealousy?? Edited October 3, 2019 by Missdy
Flame Aura Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 She's not right in the head. Why are you even still talking to her? Block her and move on. 1
MsJayne Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Unless you're actually in an exclusive relationship, she has no right to be openly jealous, and even then there's a limit to what's acceptable. A modicum of jealousy is normal, acting like a possessive turkey isn't. To me it sounds like she's more involved than you are and she's very insecure because of that and responding by trying to be controlling. I'd be very mindful of where this friendship is headed because she's already trying to smother you by dictating what you can and can't say.
rightondude Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 you meet her and you're likely to end up chained up in the basement. And not in a good way!!!!
Author Missdy Posted October 4, 2019 Author Posted October 4, 2019 She's not right in the head. Why are you even still talking to her? Block her and move on. Cause I really enjoy talking to her when she's not being jealous. And I'm just trying to understand why she's like that. Also I worry about her cause she has depression and has talked about being suicidal before. She called me last night after I posted this three times but I missed it as I was sleeping. I waited all day kinda expecting her to msg and apologise but she didn't. I text her explaining i missed the calls and is everything ok? She replied she's fine but doesn't have anything else to say I asked why she called and she said she wanted to talk to me last night but now she wants the complete opposite. That if I think she's a bad person why am I talking to her? I said she's mean and she said it's unbelievable I don't see it's me that's mean and caused it all. I told her she's deluded and who tf she thinks she is telling me what I can and can't say?? That I was waiting for her to apologise but she didn't and still thinks it's my fault. She's just replied that she's not sorry cause if she isn't a priority over a crush then she's not interested. That she's never dealt with this sh*t before and it's showing my age. And "imagine explaining to adults that you don't want to try to make it work with someone who really cares about you, cause you're not willing to stop talking about someone else's d*ck in front of my eyes" I haven't replied to that and going to sleep!!
Flame Aura Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 Cause I really enjoy talking to her when she's not being jealous. And I'm just trying to understand why she's like that. Also I worry about her cause she has depression and has talked about being suicidal before. She called me last night after I posted this three times but I missed it as I was sleeping. I waited all day kinda expecting her to msg and apologise but she didn't. I text her explaining i missed the calls and is everything ok? She replied she's fine but doesn't have anything else to say I asked why she called and she said she wanted to talk to me last night but now she wants the complete opposite. That if I think she's a bad person why am I talking to her? I said she's mean and she said it's unbelievable I don't see it's me that's mean and caused it all. I told her she's deluded and who tf she thinks she is telling me what I can and can't say?? That I was waiting for her to apologise but she didn't and still thinks it's my fault. She's just replied that she's not sorry cause if she isn't a priority over a crush then she's not interested. That she's never dealt with this sh*t before and it's showing my age. And "imagine explaining to adults that you don't want to try to make it work with someone who really cares about you, cause you're not willing to stop talking about someone else's d*ck in front of my eyes" I haven't replied to that and going to sleep!! But she is jealous, that won't change overnight. And not just a little bit, but crazy crazy jealous. You shouldn't think that it is your job to understand and 'save' her from all her problems. She needs to do that herself. When she is happy with herself only then will she be able to be happy with someone else, you.
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 (edited) At 31 she is who she is...a jealous person. Probably something happened in her childhood, it was never dealt with so now this is part of her personality. You can't change that. I would say cut the cord before it gets so out of control that she starts stalking/harassing you making your life a living nightmare. Just to add, jealous people tend to be controlling and abusive. They break you down, gaslight you to make you think you are the one causing all the problems....get out now! Edited October 4, 2019 by smackie9
Rockdad Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 ^^^^^^ yes yes and yes!^^^^^^^ If you like forever controlling drama you have found it. Continue on if that's what you want. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 Good grief, this is an insane amount of drama. I would not communicate with this person anymore, OP. 1
preraph Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 I didn't even get halfway through because it wasn't necessary. She is jealous and controlling and you need to block her and get away from her. She isn't rational. Seriously. Just not rational. Something is wrong with her. She already invited you to stop talking, and that is exactly what you should do and block her and if necessary stay away from that fan site. 1
kendahke Posted October 4, 2019 Posted October 4, 2019 She told me to f*ck off. And this is where I stopped reading. This is when you needed to end any communications with her. Why are you still dealing with her? She's not right in the head. 2
Author Missdy Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 Probably something happened in her childhood Yeah I think so. She said she had a tough time and been through some abuse but she didn't tell me details and she's pretty private. I don't know....after I didn't reply last night she started quoting me in the group chat being nice and reffering to inside jokes. Then she msged me private asking how I am etc. I said I don't wanna talk about everything that's happened cause it's making me feel sick. She said she just wishes I could see from her point of view. that it affects her too but i'm the one that gets to carry on while she has to just shut up. Then she said she doesn't want me to feel that way and that she will stop talking about it. That she hopes I sleep well, sending me heart etc. So she is being nice again......
Flame Aura Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 Yeah I think so. She said she had a tough time and been through some abuse but she didn't tell me details and she's pretty private. I don't know....after I didn't reply last night she started quoting me in the group chat being nice and reffering to inside jokes. Then she msged me private asking how I am etc. I said I don't wanna talk about everything that's happened cause it's making me feel sick. She said she just wishes I could see from her point of view. that it affects her too but i'm the one that gets to carry on while she has to just shut up. Then she said she doesn't want me to feel that way and that she will stop talking about it. That she hopes I sleep well, sending me heart etc. So she is being nice again...... Cool story. When she blows up again don't come posting on here after you ignore everyone's advice. 1
Author Missdy Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 I'm not ignoring it...im just hoping that it will last.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 Hoping what will last? She has shown you over and over that she is not emotionally stable. You are either being willfully naive or you are in for a real wake-up call when she flips out again. 1
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I've been in an abusive relaitonship, and this is exactly what they do. They get all sweet on you and loving, and that's when you think everything will be ok. You let your guard down, and a few weeks later, it happens all over again. You are being played for a fool, you are being mentally manipulated. That's how they roll hun. When I read threads like this, I still get that sick feeling, even tho it happened to me 40 years ago. It never leaves you.
preraph Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I'm not ignoring it...im just hoping that it will last. It won't. This is a person who will continue to be controlling abusive and get worse with age. You can't change people. You can't love a person into being a good person. There is no excuse for her behavior.
kendahke Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I'm not ignoring it...im just hoping that it will last. Cognitive dissonance.
IslandSanctuary Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 (edited) Personally id stop seeing someone the moment they stayed over 1 on 1 at someones house of the sex they were attracted to, I feel this is pretty acceptable actually. If I liked them enough maybe I'd risk talking about it first - but I'd expect to be called controlling or manipulative so any hint of this and I'd call it quits. Friend or no friend. Having a connection makes it better somehow? lol Sure she does sound on the excessive side, but we've only heard one side of this story. I also find it immature and a huge turn off when women go on and on about celebs they find attractive. What is the need for this? Because they are celebs they arent people? What is this rule that women can go on and on about them but if I decide to point out attractive women on the street I'm a jerk? It just seems sad to me when grown women lust after famous people like a 14 year old girl. You two just arent compatible. Calling her names or putting her in a box isnt fair though. Edited October 6, 2019 by IslandSanctuary
Author Missdy Posted October 9, 2019 Author Posted October 9, 2019 (edited) I told her we can only be friends. She begged for another chance and I explained i just can't do it. Then she turned mean again insulting me calling me names. Then the next day (yesterday) she apologised saying she can accept being friends if I still want to be. I asked how she can go from being abusive to nice. She said wow abusive is a big word I would never abuse you. Today we just talked briefly as friends and all is OK. Am I naive to think I can just continue as friends and it all be fine? In the group chat she made a comment about its best to be single, so maybe she has already got over it!! Why do I think about her a lot?? Edited October 9, 2019 by Missdy
Lotsgoingon Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 Actually jealousy isn't the right word. This woman is far worse than someone who is simply "jealous." She's vicious. She's a bully--and you need to be precise with your wording. Jealous people don't have to lash out. This woman is aggressive, mean, vicious, attacking, lashing out. Stay away. Don't be sucked in by any sudden "niceness." She's got a fine-tuned radar ... bully you til you're reeling and bully you some more ... and then when you've finally have had enough and you show some signs of walking away, she switches to niceness. That's a formula that abusers follow--the problem is they get more vicious and nasty with each cycle. Notice: she did NOT apologize for lashing out a you. She just more gently continued her manipulation--a magician's slight of hand. She says, I wish YOU would see things from my POV. See the trick there? Instead of apologizing or taking responsibility, she shifts to making herself the misunderstood person. See, I'm really just vulnerable and tender. That's all b.s. Stop communicating ... block her. Otherwise, she'll continue to lash out at you. She can't help it.
kendahke Posted October 9, 2019 Posted October 9, 2019 I asked how she can go from being abusive to nice. She said wow abusive is a big word I would never abuse you. Wow, cognitive dissonance again. So she gaslights you, plays you for an idiot and you want to continue being friends with her? Do you extend this much leeway to everyone who pops off on you? Am I naive to think I can just continue as friends and it all be fine? Yes. In the group chat she made a comment about its best to be single, so maybe she has already got over it!! That's her trying to manipulate you into letting her abuse you some more. She's not slick. She's crazy and crazy people are clever, not stupid. There is something seriously wrong with her. Why do I think about her a lot?? Because you want what you want, yet what you want is destructive to your esteem, but you still want to welcome the destruction if it means being in a relationship.
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