Consequences for my 13 year old

[Tiki37]

I'm struggling with what consequences to give my teenage son. Here is what happened. This past Monday I was driving him to the bus stop. That day he also had a field trip recommended by his PE (Physical Education) class. My 13 year old does not like PE. He does not like to exercise, hiking, sports, camping, etc... He is not an outdoor person. About a month 1/2 ago, before I paid for his field trip, he begged me no to go because of those reasons I mentioned. I told him you are going. I paid $47. He has brought it up numerous times that he didn't want to go.

 

Back to driving him to the bus stop, I told him that his sack of lunch is in his back pack. He asked me with an attitude, which compartment? I told him I don't know. In my head, I am thinking he should be thanking me for even packing him his lunch and for the friendly reminder. As he was getting out of the car, he says with an attitude again, did you pack my sunscreen and change of clothes? That drove me crazy and gave him and attitude back. I told him that is your responsibility not mine. The arguing began back and forth. I embarrassed him in front of the other kids who were also waiting for the bus. My son got upset, got back in the car and said I am not going to school or the field trip. I said fine, if we end up going home, there will be a consequence on top of you paying the $47 (no refunds from school). We ended going back to the house.

 

I told my husband who is my son's stepfather. I was so upset about the whole situation my husband went to his room and spoke with him. I was already running late for work. My husband did tell him, there is still time for you to make this field trip. The bus does not leave until 9:30 and has about 30 minutes to think about it. I went to work, my husband calls me, tells me he decided to go school but skipped the field trip. He did make the effort to go school which that's what he wanted to do all this time and skip the field trip.

 

Part of me feels that I should have handled the situation a lot better. Maybe not make him to go to this field trip. Monday evening I took away his cell phone, laptop, and cords to the TV in his room. He is still upset with me and is telling me that he has begged me not to go to this field trip and how it's my fault for not listening. He is willing to pay the $47 by keeping his allowance, which are chores. How long do I keep his things? I just need advice. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Edited October 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

I'd send him to one of those nature camps that makes you earn your food and teach him some respect for what all you do. He was just looking for a way out and you caved in. The last thing you should have done is cave in there. You may have to take all his stuff away from him and let him earn it back (electronics, everything but necessities). Dr. Phil has a book called Commando Parenting that teaches you how to do that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wouldn't have paid the $47 and made him go in the first place, but I'm pretty lenient about stuff like this. He clearly hates those activities and maybe you don't even know all the reasons why. (Is he overweight? Bullied by more athletic kids?)

[basil67]

Assuming that he's otherwise engaged in school and life, I feel really bad for your son.

This day trip was 'recommended' not 'essential part of curriculum'. You paid for it knowing he'd dislike it without checking in with him first. Then when he's understandably mad at you for refusing to listen to him, you punish him.

 

It sounds like he did everything he could to get his message across - but you wouldn't back down from the mistake of not communicating with him at the outset. Parenting involves communication both ways. It's as much about listening as teaching. You need to apologise to him.

[preraph]

OMG, you want to get your kids to be well rounded and get used to doing things they don't always LOVE. They need to learn to both do physical activities as well as learn to cope. Do you want the first time they have to learn to cope to be when they take their first job? Then they'll end up just quitting and sitting around until you're 90 letting you pay for them.

[basil67]

I'm sure he does plenty of stuff that he doesn't love. Chores, school and homework being examples.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Assuming that he's otherwise engaged in school and life, I feel really bad for your son.

This day trip was 'recommended' not 'essential part of curriculum'. You paid for it knowing he'd dislike it without checking in with him first. Then when he's understandably mad at you for refusing to listen to him, you punish him.

 

It sounds like he did everything he could to get his message across - but you wouldn't back down from the mistake of not communicating with him at the outset. Parenting involves communication both ways. It's as much about listening as teaching. You need to apologise to him.

 

I agree with this completely.

 

Also, I have an awesome relationship with both of my children. It's because I have this parenting philosophy. And they both reciprocate my compassion and understanding of them. Just today my son heard me sigh in frustration over my pacing puppy when I was trying to get work done and he immediately got up off the couch and took her outside for a game of fetch to get her wiggles out. (Too bad he wasn't around when she just pooped all over the floor)

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OMG, you want to get your kids to be well rounded and get used to doing things they don't always LOVE. They need to learn to both do physical activities as well as learn to cope. Do you want the first time they have to learn to cope to be when they take their first job? Then they'll end up just quitting and sitting around until you're 90 letting you pay for them.

 

It's also OK for kids to know they don't have to love everything every other kid does or that it is OK to structure your life around your passions (avoiding things you hate). There isn't anything wrong with that. My son hates pencils with a passion. Something about it (sensory issue) sent him into tears every time he had to use them in math class. I talked to his teacher about it and she made an accommodation for him to be allowed to use pens or use headphones. This was a few years ago. You'd probably say that was babying him, but oh well. He started his first job a year ago, he's still there, and is a super hard worker. It has not affected his employability at all.

[Tiki37]

I'd send him to one of those nature camps that makes you earn your food and teach him some respect for what all you do. He was just looking for a way out and you caved in. The last thing you should have done is cave in there. You may have to take all his stuff away from him and let him earn it back (electronics, everything but necessities). Dr. Phil has a book called Commando Parenting that teaches you how to do that.

 

 

Thank you. I will look into the book.

My husband will agree with you 100%.

[basil67]

Indeed CO. I've done my share of apologising for bad decisions. And when my kids reacted badly to something I said, my first response is to look at what happened before that and work through it with them. Sometimes I'm right. Sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes we both have a point and work through it.

 

Miss 20 is now working as a 'checkout chick' at the supermarket to fund her life while she's at Uni. Gets compliments from customers about how hard she works. It goes without saying she doesn't love that job - but she knows the value of work. She also helps me care for her brother. Another job she doesn't love but does because it's the right thing to do.

[Tiki37]

I wouldn't have paid the $47 and made him go in the first place, but I'm pretty lenient about stuff like this. He clearly hates those activities and maybe you don't even know all the reasons why. (Is he overweight? Bullied by more athletic kids?)

Thank you! He is not overweight at all.

Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Indeed CO. I've done my share of apologising for bad decisions.

 

I just had to apologize to my son the other day for snapping at him for not hearing his phone when I was trying to call him (to ask him to take the puppy out, and then she peed when I got home out of excitement....are you sensing a trend about things in my life that cause me stress lol? ).

[basil67]

Tiki, is your son so badly behaved that he needs Commando Parenting? If so, that's a whole different story to what you've written here.

[Happy Lemming]

@Tiki37 - Quick Question

 

Does your son dislike his classmates (the ones going on the field trip)?? Do you think he would prefer not to spend extra time interacting with them??

[Artdeco]

I do think that (most) kids have it really good these days, and while many are spoiled and babied way too long, I believe they should be allowed to have a choice, when choices are available. Here, if I understand correctly, the kid had a choice between going to school, and going on a field trip. If he chose to attend school, then he really didn’t want to go on this field trip! I think that choice should be respected. I mean, he voiced it clearly, and he wasn’t heard. I think no punishment is needed at all. Disclaimer: I’m not a parent.

 

I believe respect is a 2 Way St., and that also applies to raising children. If they’re mature enough to know what they want and don’t want to participate in, and if the school admin lets them choose, the parent should let them choose. Why force the kid? I’m sure he has weekly PE classes that are mandatory, and I’m sure he attends those bc he has no choice. Even if he strongly dislikes them. Why was he punished?

[Tiki37]

Assuming that he's otherwise engaged in school and life, I feel really bad for your son....

 

Thank you. I agree about the communication. I really feel bad that I failed by really listening to him. I appreciate the feedback.

Edited October 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you. I agree about the communication. I really feel bad that I failed by really listening to him. I appreciate the feedback.

 

So you apologize, hug him, and do better next time. We ALL mess up.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really feel bad that I failed by really listening to him.

 

There is no one-size-fits-all-answer here. Allowing your son to express his opinion is a good thing. Allowing him at 13 to make all his choices, not so much.

 

My then 10-yr old hated swim lessons, begged every week not to go. More than once early on, I left him clinging to the side of the pool, calling my name, as the coach coaxed him to try. By the end of the summer he was swimming laps, challenging me to race.

 

Kids today, your son included, have numerous tech distractions leading them away from socialization, fitness and real-world interaction. As a parent, you have to apply the occasional opposing force. I think your initial instincts were good, just need the self-belief to be consistent and firm in application...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

So you apologize, hug him, and do better next time. We ALL mess up.

 

Yep - this. I do it frequently. When the kids and have settled a dispute, it always ends with "lets have a fresh start"

[basil67]

My then 10-yr old hated swim lessons, begged every week not to go. More than once early on, I left him clinging to the side of the pool, calling my name, as the coach coaxed him to try. By the end of the summer he was swimming laps, challenging me to race.

 

You're so right about there not being one size fits all. I was inclined to give them a good push until it became clear that it was never going to be a success. My 20yo daughter *still* hates the surf and my 22yo son *still* hates skiing. But even though my son hated swimming lessons at first, they were an eventual success.

 

I guess it's a combination of encouragement vs knowing when to accept that it's not going to happen.

[major_merrick]

At 13, both you and he could have handled it better. I raised my younger sister and had custody of her when she was about that age. You're going to face pushback. Physical activity is a very necessary component of growing up. You can't let gets be obese and lethargic. But by the time they are teens, "choices" becomes the primary word.

 

 

In your shoes, I wouldn't have paid the $47. For one thing, it is a needless expense for something he hates. So next time, you offer 2-3 options. He's going to be active - that's not optional. But how/when/where is negotiable. You can come up with a couple of suggestions, or allow him space to bring another idea to the table. At the end of the day, you are the parent and he is the child. His obedience is expected. But it is far better to earn that loyalty with some choices than to force it with sheer willpower. Even Dr. Phil would say "The good thing about life is that it is about choices. The bad thing about life is...that it is about choices."

 

For right now, DO NOT back down. When you decide, you must follow through or you look weak. I'd give his TV and other stuff back soon since those consequences weren't part of your original deal (although I disagree with letting kids have TVs and other tech, but that's another thread.) Make him pay the $47, though, since you made a deal and he agreed to it. There's a lesson in that one about making contracts. Then explain to him that you gave his stuff back because that wasn't one of the consequences in your original agreement. That lets him know that when you and he agree on something, it binds you as well as him and makes an agreement fair.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess it's a combination of encouragement vs knowing when to accept that it's not going to happen.

 

You have to open their eyes to the world a bit. Left to his own devices, the OP’s 13-yr old would stay in front of his TV, eat Doritos three times a day and shower monthly. There has to be a counter-balance.

 

Basil, I’d wager if/when your surf-hating daughter has her own kids, she’ll take them to the beach and be glad you took her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tiki37]

OMG, you want to get your kids to be well rounded and get used to doing things they don't always LOVE. They need to learn to both do physical activities as well as learn to cope. Do you want the first time they have to learn to cope to be when they take their first job? Then they'll end up just quitting and sitting around until you're 90 letting you pay for them.

 

 

I agree and that's what I would like for my kids. To get out of their comfort zone and try different things. Thank you.

[Tiki37]

I'm sure he does plenty of stuff that he doesn't love. Chores, school and homework being examples.

 

 

This is definitely true!

[Tiki37]

Tiki, is your son so badly behaved that he needs Commando Parenting? If so, that's a whole different story to what you've written here.

 

 

I can tell you that his behavior has changed in the last 6-8months. He is definitely going through some tough times. Blended family and his biological father decided to stay out his life 6 months ago.