notthatintome Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 I met a guy on an online dating app. We were messaging back and forth and have similar interests. He lives about an 1-2 hours drive away. Coincidentally i was in his area about a week after we starting messaging. He hinted about being around that weekend but did not directly say anything so without any concrete plans and I didn't think anymore of it. That same weekend I was driving home and he said he was finishing work and to meet him but it was too late and I wasn't going to turn back. He should have just said something before and i would have gladly met him. He hinted about meeting up the following weekend. This time i said that i would meet him and tried to make arrangements. He seemed a bit unsure and called me to say he was busy (he was, not just an excuse) and that he was keen to meet up another time. After the weekend had passed, he said to meet up again but it was really vague. I asked what day and he gave three options so i picked a one. Then i didn't hear anything back. The day passed and nothing was said and we haven't messaged?! But he has liked and commented on a post on my social media?! I didn't want to message him because i am sick of chasing men, if he liked me he would make it happen, after all i was willing to drive all that way to meet him (i had the day off, he didn't) and i was keen to make arrangements. I'm baffled, why has this happened? Why suggest something and not follow through? Meanwhile another guy i dated has got in contact again. He was messaging and calling all weekend. I didn't answer at first, to which he was a little perplexed about. When we did eventually speak he said he wanted to meet up again in a few weeks (again he lives 2 hours away). A couple of days later he has gone quiet. Meanwhile all i am doing is just being here, agreeing to go on these dates and willing to make the effort to make it happen. Again, why be super keen one minute and quiet the next? Another date traded me in for someone who was much younger than me - thats always great for the confidence. All these men are 8 years younger than me and wondering if they think i am too old, or that they could do better. I always seem to attract younger men, i don't seem to match with men my own age (the ones I actually like). Can't be bothered with any of them Is dating always going to be this hard? Most of my friends met 1-6 guys, then met the love of their life. I have met 3 and they have all been, what feels like, not that interested in me but are keen to keep in touch.
divegrl Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Block and delete these men. They are only wasting your precious time and energy. When the right man comes along, you won’t feel confusion. He will be eager to set up dates and follow through. Above all his actions and words will be consistent. Month after month, he will put forth effort into the relationship. Until this man comes, focus on your life, friends and family. Do things that bring you joy. Take care my friend.
preraph Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Don't set yourself up to try to date long distance. It never works out. Keep your profile set to dating local so you don't attract guys who just want to come bang you when they're in town on business and can't possibly have a real relationship with you.
kendahke Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Don't expect devotion from a guy you've been on less than 8 dates with. It's unrealistic to think that any single man isn't already on some continuum with someone else, especially if he's single, active on dating apps and dating around. When they want to be with you, they act like it and it's unmistakable. When they want to mark time with you, they act like it and it's unmistakable... The problem is: what are you convincing yourself of at this point in your new involvements with regards to the guy. 1
mortensorchid Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Yes, dating sucks for sure. But in this case, don't bother with this guy. I would be doubtful of someone who wanted to travel a great distance to see someone. And for what? You don't even know this person's last name, do you? Why don't they try to meet those who are closer to them? I always sight a gal I knew who was a complete and utter train wreck. She was flying to CA to meet guys she met on Match.com! Looking back she might have lied to them - telling them she was going to be there for another business / personal reason to begin with. But she would go out there, spend a weekend with them, whatever happened happened and at the end she was all depressed that this guy wasn't that interested in her. He said "I'm not sure how I feel about this", which I don't blame them for because it's a big deal to travel to meet someone for an OLD. I think she thought these guys were going to meet her and fall in love or something. Sounds like this guy is along those same lines.
Mrin Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 I probably went out on 30-40 first dates with women. Most were one and done. Some turned into more. And a few turned into things that lasted months. Then I met my fiancé. So ya, it can take a while. I actually enjoyed dating and first dates so it wasn't a drag for me. Only thing I can suggest is this: don't chase men, go with your gut, don't have expectations.
Author notthatintome Posted October 3, 2019 Author Posted October 3, 2019 But people told me dating was fun! When does it start being fun?? To go on one date would be good. It's not that I'm short with attention or opportunities with men - I have a lot interested in me and am asked out regularly but never by anyone I like! Even on the apps I match with many but I have only ever, out of hundreds, ever only liked five! Even out of those five, I'm still unsure about them! Ultimately I do want a relationship but not with anyone. I just want to go on dates and if nothing comes of it then I have at least gained a friend (which is what tends to happen). I just need to get them to go on dates! The reason why I am willing to travel is I don't want to be seen locally with different men. Also, I live with my friends and I don't want them to meet anyone I am unsure about. The most logical thing would be for me to travel. But this may equate to me chasing men, which is not a good thing. Also, I iike the separation aspect of the distance - i see my ex and someone I used to date around town all of the time and I hate it. I just don't want to add to that list of bumping into the men i have dated but I want to date (not sleep with) many men because it is supposed to be fun I have a great life, but i am a little bored and would like a bit of excitement through dating. But this seems like hard work. I don't expect alot from a guy but just to follow through on the suggestions that he makes would be nice. Either I am picking the wrong men, or that they are not that interested to start with or I am chasing them too hard. Perhaps that is the reason why I like them is because they offer a challenge?! I am the worlds worst at dating, its so depressing.
Flame Aura Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Sounds like pretty standard online dating - why should they chase after you when they can swipe a few times and find someone hotter/closer/interesting/whatever? Stick to real life for meeting people.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 But people told me dating was fun! When does it start being fun?? To go on one date would be good. It's not that I'm short with attention or opportunities with men - I have a lot interested in me and am asked out regularly but never by anyone I like! Even on the apps I match with many but I have only ever, out of hundreds, ever only liked five! Even out of those five, I'm still unsure about them! Ultimately I do want a relationship but not with anyone. I just want to go on dates and if nothing comes of it then I have at least gained a friend (which is what tends to happen). I just need to get them to go on dates! The reason why I am willing to travel is I don't want to be seen locally with different men. Also, I live with my friends and I don't want them to meet anyone I am unsure about. The most logical thing would be for me to travel. But this may equate to me chasing men, which is not a good thing. Also, I iike the separation aspect of the distance - i see my ex and someone I used to date around town all of the time and I hate it. I just don't want to add to that list of bumping into the men i have dated but I want to date (not sleep with) many men because it is supposed to be fun I have a great life, but i am a little bored and would like a bit of excitement through dating. But this seems like hard work. I don't expect alot from a guy but just to follow through on the suggestions that he makes would be nice. Either I am picking the wrong men, or that they are not that interested to start with or I am chasing them too hard. Perhaps that is the reason why I like them is because they offer a challenge?! I am the worlds worst at dating, its so depressing. Its all a numbers game from what I learned. After going through flaky guys, I started talking to/dating several guys at once. There were many guys who flaked. If they flake (unless an emergency), do not give them a 2nd chance. I also learned that if a guy doesn't pin down a day/time/place, 99.9% chance that date isn't happening. If one guy does that, plan another date and when he invites you out say you made other plans.
winny Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 These guys are all worthless. They are not serious. Don't waste time trying to understand why they behave the way they do. Also, the men chasing you instead of you chasing them is all a mindset. You can sit at home and still look like you are chasing someone and you can travel to see someone and yet not look like you are chasing. Its your mindset and attitude and self-confidence. 1
winny Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Its all a numbers game from what I learned. After going through flaky guys' date=' I started talking to/dating several guys at once. [/b'] There were many guys who flaked. If they flake (unless an emergency), do not give them a 2nd chance. I also learned that if a guy doesn't pin down a day/time/place, 99.9% chance that date isn't happening. If one guy does that, plan another date and when he invites you out say you made other plans. So you are depending on other guys to make you feel okay if one guy flakes on you? By having an illusion that you have other options? This looks like an immature game playing. If one guy flakes on me and I have no one else on the horizon... I should be able to deal with it.
Maggiemay1 Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 But people told me dating was fun! When does it start being fun?? To go on one date would be good. I am the worlds worst at dating, its so depressing. You were working in the area of the first guy for a weekend , he suggested meeting , yet because you didn’t respond positively because he never suggested anything concrete , he waited and waited for you to reach out since you were clearly the one time constraint, he messaged on your last day and you said too little too late?? Dating IS a lot of fun!!! And you had the opportunity to explore that!! What are YOUR expectations of dating? A knight in shining armour? Since you can’t be bothered to date anyone why should they be bothered about dating you? You chat to guys 8 years younger and distance apart. You are seemingly doing everything you can to NOT get a date and then have the audacity to compare yourself to friends who put themselves out there with success? You clearly do not want to date. Yet expect an outcome that comes with the effort to date. Rapunzel let down your hair!
stillafool Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 What is your type? Most of the guys you want are 8 years younger and live 2 hours away. They would have to be off the charts smitten with you to travel 2 hrs. (each way) to see a woman 8 years older. Most of them are really looking for women younger than them but will entertain an older woman. I don't understand the part about your not wanting to be seen in your town dating different men. If you're single you're allowed to date anyone else who is single if that is what you want. Also if you date someone nearby they still don't have to meet your roommates.
PRW Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 I didn't see where the guy just wanted to get laid. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but I don't see that by what was posted. My biggest concern with him was his inconsistency in communication and his indecision, his not seeming to know what he is doing. I think that would get in the way of things even if he lived across the street. For the record, all my dates with few exceptions are a 2 hour drive away (4 hour round trip),...and I'm not just trying to get laid. To me it has just become normal. It doesn't seem like long distance anymore. I'm able to be there 2-3 times a week which is about as much as I would see them if I lived across the street.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 He hinted about being around that weekend but did not directly say anything so without any concrete plans and I didn't think anymore of it ... He hinted about meeting up the following weekend. This time i said that i would meet him and tried to make arrangements. He seemed a bit unsure and called me to say he was busy (he was, not just an excuse) and that he was keen to meet up another time. You called out the "hinting." Now take next step and block and ignore the hinter. Someone I'm interested in who lives 1-2 hours away ... tells me they're going to be in my area. If I am interested, I'd go out of my way, even moving schedule around some, to go meet the person. No need for hints. I'd decide whether to meet them or not and I'd tell them. Dump hinters. You might as well replace "hinted" with "strung me along" ... A hint is noncommittal. Some people just want to flirt--and that's all. Some people are taken. Some people love to pose and flirt online without meeting anyone in person. Please don't waste time on these folks.
rightondude Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 a real man who wants to be with you will not beat around the bush. Wait until you meet someone like that before agreeing to go out with someone again. 1
Author notthatintome Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 Dating IS a lot of fun!!! And you had the opportunity to explore that!! What are YOUR expectations of dating? A knight in shining armour? Since you can’t be bothered to date anyone why should they be bothered about dating you? You chat to guys 8 years younger and distance apart. You are seemingly doing everything you can to NOT get a date and then have the audacity to compare yourself to friends who put themselves out there with success? You clearly do not want to date. Yet expect an outcome that comes with the effort to date. Rapunzel let down your hair! This made me laugh...I just want a guy who follows through with what he suggests - do I really have to lower my expectations that much to do ALL the work?? If a man who shows interest and sticks to what he suggests is called a knight in shining armour then I am seriously worried! Audacity to compare myself with my friends - this was probably the funniest. I don't think this guy compares with the gentleman my friends met and fell in love with. The problem isn't that I am not putting myself out there, the problem is I am picking the wrong men.
Author notthatintome Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 What is your type? Most of the guys you want are 8 years younger and live 2 hours away. They would have to be off the charts smitten with you to travel 2 hrs. (each way) to see a woman 8 years older. Most of them are really looking for women younger than them but will entertain an older woman. I don't understand the part about your not wanting to be seen in your town dating different men. If you're single you're allowed to date anyone else who is single if that is what you want. Also if you date someone nearby they still don't have to meet your roommates. Maybe but it also suggests a guy that has energy and drive. If he can't be bothered then it just shows his lack of interest in general. I once had a guy, that was 8 years younger, who would drive upto four hours to see me. He wasn't smitten at all and was dating other people but he possessed energy and drive which showed up in all aspects of his life and it became the thing i admired and respected him for the most. We eventually became exclusive but it took time and a lot of traveling. The out of town thing is more that's where the ones I like tend to be! I guess maybe I am too fussy. I also don't want to invite anyone into my life that I am not sure about. In previous relationships, I knew straight away if they were a good match but I am not looking for a perfect match, I am looking to date and have fun but with someone I kinda like and with someone who say what they mean!
Author notthatintome Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 a real man who wants to be with you will not beat around the bush. Wait until you meet someone like that before agreeing to go out with someone again. I completely agree
Gretchen12 Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 Dating is only fun and exciting when you really like the guy. These 8 years younger men are not even what you like, and the distance is a bummer. You can bet the feeling is shared by the men as well... age plus distance... meh... Even if both of you insist on doing it, it's an uphill battle. And for what? Not fun.
Maggiemay1 Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I just want a guy who follows through with what he suggests - do I really have to lower my expectations that much to do ALL the work?? Audacity to compare myself with my friends - this was probably the funniest. I don't think this guy compares with the gentleman my friends met and fell in love with. The problem isn't that I am not putting myself out there, the problem is I am picking the wrong men. What do you mean by ALL of the work? What work have you done to meet men? Put up a profile, chat, which is what they have done and the rest is up to them? That’s expectation with no effort. Remember these guys don’t know you either. It takes two to arrange a meet. It’s not even really a date unless you meet a second time. Yes audacity to compare yourself with friends. You say this guy doesn’t compare to the gentlemen your friends met , yet think about it!! Your friends likely made the effort to actually meet their gentlemen , their gentlemen didn’t do all of the work. At least not for the first meet. So how can you compare him to these gentlemen when you never even gave it a shot to meet him? I bet in the past your friends did! And didn’t think that arranging a meet equated to chasing. Your response to another is that the reason you choose men a distance away is because that’s who you match with and where the men that you like tend to live. But then suggest you aren’t that interested in them anyway? So which is it?
Author notthatintome Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 What do you mean by ALL of the work? What work have you done to meet men? Put up a profile, chat, which is what they have done and the rest is up to them? That’s expectation with no effort. Huh? He said to meet, I asked when, he gave me three options, I picked one and was willing to travel. He didn't get back to me. How is this leaving it all up to them?? I'm confused. Yes audacity to compare yourself with friends. You say this guy doesn’t compare to the gentlemen your friends met , yet think about it!! Your friends likely made the effort to actually meet their gentlemen , their gentlemen didn’t do all of the work. At least not for the first meet. So how can you compare him to these gentlemen when you never even gave it a shot to meet him? I bet in the past your friends did! And didn’t think that arranging a meet equated to chasing. You probably have a good point here but is lost on me when you said audacity Such a strong word for such a minor thing. Maybe if I did push him to make that date, drove two hours to see him, then we would have lived happily ever after. Damn it, missed my chance. Not likely but at least I kept my dignity on a guy half arsed about meeting up with me. Your response to another is that the reason you choose men a distance away is because that’s who you match with and where the men that you like tend to live. But then suggest you aren’t that interested in them anyway? So which is it? This is probably the one thing I agree with you on. I am definitely confused about what I want. Maybe I am putting up barriers that will be less successful in the long run - distance, age, finding fault - but I am finding it really difficult to find anyone I vaguely like on the apps. So when I do, and even though i know they are not great in the long run, it would at least be fun to meet up.
Author notthatintome Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 Dating is only fun and exciting when you really like the guy. These 8 years younger men are not even what you like, and the distance is a bummer. You can bet the feeling is shared by the men as well... age plus distance... meh... Even if both of you insist on doing it, it's an uphill battle. And for what? Not fun. I think you're right. The idea is supposed to be fun and it isn't and won't be.
Maggiemay1 Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 You probably have a good point here but is lost on me when you said audacity Such a strong word for such a minor thing. Maybe if I did push him to make that date, drove two hours to see him, then we would have lived happily ever after. Damn it, missed my chance. Not likely but at least I kept my dignity on a guy half arsed about meeting up with me. You didn’t have to drive 2 hours to meet him, you were already in the area for work. So the only “pushing” you had to do was push the send button on a text. But instead you waited for him to message you , which he did do although you were halfway home. You missed out on potentially a fun date! By waiting on him to contact you first. There would have been no dignity lost by sending him one simple message.
Author notthatintome Posted October 6, 2019 Author Posted October 6, 2019 You didn’t have to drive 2 hours to meet him, you were already in the area for work. So the only “pushing” you had to do was push the send button on a text. But instead you waited for him to message you , which he did do although you were halfway home. You missed out on potentially a fun date! By waiting on him to contact you first. There would have been no dignity lost by sending him one simple message. No, the first time was i was in the area and he contacted me late into the weekend but I was already driving home. The next time he asked, he gave me options, i picked one and I was willing to drive there again but he didn't get back to me. What was I supposed to do? I agree, maybe the first time I should have been a bit more proactive but definitely not the second time. And it could have been a fun date, you're right. Maybe his lack of organising something concrete showed his lack of interest in the first place? It doesn't matter now, I'm pretty much over it. Some things are just not meant to be.
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