Transitioning728 Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 I recently broke up with someone I was with for several years. At the end it was a terrible relationship and I feel like I was mistreated in many ways so I "fell out of love" with him. Sort of out of the blue, I met someone else who lives a bit of a distance (100 miles). He seems to be what I've been looking for - very kind, funny, financially established (like me), attractive, etc. But of course I remain somewhat skeptical since I learned from my 2 prior relationships that things are not what they seem to be (and I'm fairly perceptive). He came to see me last weekend and it was great...he seems to be smitten with me but again, I'm sort of jaded at this point but I do really want to believe he is very interested in me despite the distance. He works part time so we can see each other probably almost every weekend but I've had a LDR before and it takes a lot of effort for both people to keep the relationship growing. Of course, I can see in a few years that neither of us will be beholden to our residences since we are both almost retirement age. Should I tell him I am concerned about distance or hold off and see what happens? I just don't want to lead him on or waste either of our time. Like I said above, a prior relationship was long distance and (90 miles) and he led me on for more than a year before I realized he really had no intention to move with me closer nor was he willing to work any less than almost 6 days a week even for a serious relationship even though he was retirement age and worked for himself. Thoughts are appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 It's been one date. Give it a couple of months. Do have this discussion around the 6 month mark but IMO it's too soon to have it now. 1
preraph Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 If there's no flexibility on either side to move, I'd say you tell him this is a waste of time. Or just take it for what it can be, which is a nonserious occasional tryst. Meanwhile, keep looking. And be assured he will keep looking. Sometimes guys intentionally pick someone a ways off just so they can keep the girlfriend they already have and add one at a safe distance. I know your antennae is already up, but it is more than that, and you have legitimate reservations. If you don't want an LDR, then reject him nicely.
Gaeta Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Even if this break up was a relieve to you, you still need to mourn the end of it. It never ends well to jump right into a new relationship without having processed it all and without spending a bit of time on our own reflecting on things from the past and on what we want next. I think it's too fast for you to jump right in a relationship that will take up all of your weekends right away. You can date, sure, but keep it random with no commitment and have fun! Go out, travel, try new restaurants, and don't make this him coming over and you find yourself staying home and cooking and cleaning all week cause he's coming over etc etc. That's not what you should be doing yet. . 1
PRW Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 It's been one date. Give it a couple of months. Do have this discussion around the 6 month mark but IMO it's too soon to have it now.I'd like to springboard off this. OP: If you are this worried after one date than you are making way too much of this from the beginning. You are not BF/GF after one date and you are not in a relationship. You should not even be considering a "relationship" until you have been dating him for about 2 months but it could take longer. Until that happens you are both free to see other people if you choose to. When you spend time together just enjoy it for what it is and not ruin it with expectations. Nearly every one of my dates over the last 3 years (with a few exceptions) have been 100 miles away. I am also in my late 50's, so not that far from retirement age either. 1
PRW Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Nearly every one of my dates over the last 3 years (with a few exceptions) have been 100 miles away. I am also in my late 50's, so not that far from retirement age either.Hope you aren't secretly my next date. Wouldn't that be a riot?
kendahke Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 I recently broke up with someone I was with for several years. Define "recently broke up", please.
Author Transitioning728 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 broke up with prior bf 1 month ago.
Gaeta Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 You're 1 month out of a several-years relationship. You shouldn't be dating. You should take time to enjoy your new life as a single woman. Be selfish, think of yourself, spend on yourself, build closer relationships with family and friends, go on a tour around Europe with a girlfriend, anything your heart fancies other than a man.
kendahke Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) broke up with prior bf 1 month ago. Then this is a rebound relationship and not bound to last. You've got way more things you need to process out from the demise of your last failed relationship and you didn't do it in one month's time, I can guarantee you that. Any man you get with right now is serving as a distraction to the emotionally heavy lift work you need to be doing. Those feelings are going to wait until your distraction isn't as formidable and everything is going to start unraveling. Do yourself a favor: don't invest in this--invest instead on a therapist who will give you the tools to resolve your feelings over the last relationship. Don't bring broken to a new guy for him to sort out and unpack--you need to be whole on your own. Edited October 2, 2019 by kendahke
olivetree Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 You need time to be alone and process, as others have suggested. Given how many threads you made about your ex, mainly concerning his financial irresponsibility, trust issues, and lack of acceptance from your adult children, I think you are more emotionally tied to him than you think you are. If things don't go well with this new man or any other partner and you're not over your last partner, then it may very well drive you back to the ex, which is not where you want/should go.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Time for you to dump the idea of "leading someone on"--that idea is confusing you and blocking you from just going out to meet people. There is no such thing as "leading someone on." We have the right to change our minds at any point--as we do after spending time with a particular car salesman or a particular real estate salesman ... or a dentist. I actually lost interest in John after five weeks but I decided to keep going because I worried that I had led him on. That is only a formula for misery and it's unfair to "John" who deserves a partner who isn't faking interest because they had a bit of interest early on. Sounds like you're deciding "yes, I'll date this person" way too soon and then committing to that, feeling bound by that when your heart doesn't feel it. Example: right now, it's clear to me that you are not interested in seeing this guy again--by "not interested" I mean "not excited." The fact that you are asking all these questions tells me you did NOT have a fantastic time with this guy. You had an OK time. This is ambivalence ... this is lack of interest. Right here, right now. So not only don't you want to jump ahead to weekends in the future, you don't even want to go on a second date! And yet ... you have a template in your mind that says well maybe I should ignore all of that ... and just go out with him anyway and by "go out" you mean long-term date. I say don't even go out on a second date with this kind of ambivalence and torture--and thinking any further than a second date is a complete waste of time. You're putting way too much pressure on yourself--for no good reason. Dating can be a lot more relaxed and fun--when we let the relationship emerge--as we do with great friends.
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