Afraid to flirt even when allowed

[mortensorchid]

I have written about this in previous posts before, it's a continuing issue with me and others as it seems. Having once been open and thinking I may suffer from a certain degree of autism, I have been harassed and ripped to shreds by others. About 20 years ago, starting my second job (having learned this in my first job), I changed. I have become as a sort of defense mechanism a neutral, blank slate to others. This is helpful on the job especially, but that also trickled over to my social life. True, this was back in the days of much more partying and being freer as you tend to be in your early/mid twenties, but I have become rather reserved and silent with others. A friend of mine said I was throwing signals at others that certain things were okay with me, and I also changed that to show my face and body language as unreadable and stone faced. Modeled myself after Daniel Craig as James Bond - cold and standoffish, somewhat dark.

 

I was texting my new guy the other night, we were talking about my putting together my holiday playlist that I release on Facebook every year of funny songs (punk rock / hip hop Christmas carols). I came across one that was very funny by The Weather Girls of It's Raining Men fame that did another called Dear Santa Bring Me a Man This Christmas. I sent him the link on YouTube:

 

 

He gave it a listen and said that's funny. I was afraid to say "I don't think I have to ask Santa for one this year, do I?" That might scare him off. Was I wrong to do so or should I strike while the iron is still hot? And before you come down on me for being self critical or over analyzing things, I ask this because I am truly afraid of showing interest because of my past experiences with people. I had people tell me they don't like me, they don't want to talk about things with me, and to stay away from them. And that hurt me something fierce and made me so cautious.

[NuevoYorko]

I think perhaps your first instinct was correct in this case. That kind of flirtatious remark will only work if the person tossing it out is completely comfortable and could not care less about any result. This is not you.

 

I'm not coming down on you for over thinking. Fact is, you are thinking about it and from where I sit, this in and of itself is an indication that it would not have been the right move. I actually get it. I've said some things that I had second thoughts about which kept ringing over and over in my head for a long time afterwards. This is not good.

 

You are just starting to date this guy right? Maybe you do have some level of autism, maybe you don't, but in any case give him a chance to get to know your personality a little deeper, and give yourself a chance to develop more comfort and security before you make statements that you feel are a bit unnatural to you. If things continue to go well, you will have the freedom to experiment with all kinds of flirting with the guy.

 

Good luck and have fun.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree that your pause in this situation was the correct response. If it was December 1st and not just October 1st in a new relationship, it would be cute and appropriate. I think it's just too soon (for anyone in any relationship, not just you and this relationship).

[Ruby Slippers]

I was afraid to say "I don't think I have to ask Santa for one this year, do I?" That might scare him off. Was I wrong to do so or should I strike while the iron is still hot?

I think it's way too early to ask a new guy if he'll be your man for Christmas.

 

Personally, I feel it's best to let the man show and tell you what his intentions with you are. They always make it abundantly clear, one way or the other.

[preraph]

No, what you said was fine. It's okay to flirt.

[mark clemson]

Consider this a speedbump. Continue the drive.

[smackie9]

I agree that having a second thought about what you about to say was right. A comment with that context would be more appropriate when your relationship was more advanced. I guess the best way to deal with this sort of thing is to reverse it to you receiving the comment.... and measure your thoughts on it.

[Gretchen12]

Actually I believe most people have a pretty high tolerance as long as they understand where you're coming from. In this case either way would have been no big deal, say it or not, because it's not strange. It may be soon in the relationship to say it but he knows exactly what you mean.

 

People have low tolerance for things they don't understand, unreasonable demands, unexpected expression on the face, unclear communication, unusual posture, etc. But probably most of all, an underlying nervous or negative energy. They feel it but don't understand. You have no control of these misunderstanding. No one does. So I really wish you wouldn't let it get to you so much.

[FMW]

I think it was fine that you held back in this case. It wouldn't have been bad if you had gone with the impulse either, so as someone else said, no wrong move to be had.

 

You're doing great, just keep being open and receptive and follow his lead. When he flirts, flirt back a little.

 

It makes me happy that you've met someone you're enjoying

[crispytoast]

If I were him and you sent that I probably would've responded "I guess you'll have to wait and see ;)" but also I like that kind of banter. I can understand the others perspectives about it being too early in the year but also I think if a witty person is really into you, they'll find a way to turn around things that might be a little awkward or unusual and make them playful.

[rightondude]

I think that would have been fine to say and I think once you start saying stuff like this and it's well received, it will come a lot more naturally. good for you.