Was my bestfriend right to do this ?

[benjay]

I’ve had a bestfriend since we were 5 (we’re 21 now). Went to school and college together.

Over the years we’ve had a few arguments but nothing serious.

Lately we had a big one and I’d appreciate your POV.

 

Me and my long term GF of 2 years had broken up a couple of months ago.

Him and my ex never met but they did speak a few times on call, most convos about me. She had involved him in our relationship previously by asking him for help. Anyway I had asked him to help patch things up, he said he tried really hard but couldn’t.

IAnyway almost a year later and I started talking again, a lot on the phone but we weren’t ready to meet. She said “we can’t be in the same room together.” (What did that mean?) and it seemed she wasn’t ready so I didn’t push it. But I was always there for her when she needed me on call and vice versa.

However we had an argument and she decided to block me again (it was my fault , not to excuse myself I had a blackout and memory loss)By saying we were bad for each other and no one wants us together (mentioning my friends, I think referring to him)

Later, my bestfriend told me he had spoken to her regarding me a couple of times. He said she was adamant on not fixing things. I asked him if he was hiding something from me.

 

He admitted that during a call with my ex, she told him “I want to meet Ben (me) and get closure for him and I, but wait don’t tell him yet because I’m still considering if it’ll be okay for us to meet. I’m worried something will happen and it will make us fight more .”

I was really angry as to why he kept it for so long and decided to tell me when everything was 100% over and we had no going back. In his defense he said “I could’ve lied and told you she doesn’t care about you and doesn’t think of you.”

I would’ve rather he never told me or told me when it was the right time and advice me on how to act.

Anyway, not to be dramatic but recently I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I felt vulnerable. I’ve had complications before but it had changed my behavior(made me more impulsive, easily angered etc) but not dangerous.

I loved her a lot and I’ve done her a lot of good and she as well, but we’ve also had fights where I’d do things I couldn’t control (to calm myself with drinking which she hated)

This was one of the reasons we broke up and also because other people got involved and messed things up by manipulating her.

 

So i asked my bestfriend if he can call my ex and explain to her the situation in hopes that she would understand why I had done these things and we’d meet. I didn’t want to come off as a harasser or she’d think I’m trying to play her. Because she had said things that I’m not the man she used to love, and that I change and act different at times and that we are both bad for each otherx and I had no way of reaching her. She was like family to me. And we knew everything about the other. He made fun in a way, “oh will she heal your tumor? Sorry mate I won’t talk to her again. “ And even made jokes to another mutual friend who said I’m using my sickness as a manipulation to get her back. When they used to bad mouth her a lot in the past and egg me on to leave her.

I got angry and stood up for myself and decided to cut them off. In the past few months all I got was disrespect, and neglect from them. They would make petty jokes and say yeah we’ll talk later when *other mate comes back to town over coffee. When I asked him why he lied, he covered himself by saying you’re mad because I don’t want to speak to her for you. Don’t obligate me to. I don’t agree with you both getting back and even if she did it won’t be real.”

 

 

Am I being dramatic? Are they right?

[preraph]

It's true you never should have asked him to get involved. If you can't talk someone back into a relationship, neither can your friends or family. It sounds hopeless anyway, and I just think he knew that. If you're blacking out and stuff, sounds like you have some work to do on yourself, whatever it takes to fix that, whether it be alcoholism or whatever. And if it's not fixable (brain damage), you can't expect most women to put themselves in a frightening position.

 

I just think you're holding on to this too long. It's over. She's always known where to find you if she wanted you back. Let it go and fix your problems and then find a good relationship after you're used to being whole again. Good luck.

[anika99]

It sounds like you have a few issues with your friend but I'll just address the one surrounding your ex girlfriend.

 

You should not involve your friends in your relationship. It is not your friends job to fix your romantic relationship and when your girlfriend was still your girlfriend and she started talking to your bestfriend about you, you should have put a stop to that immediately. It's not appropriate to drag friends into one's relationship problems. Now your friend is in a bad spot because by this time he has probably developed at least a friendship with your ex so now he has divided loyalties.

 

Lastly I think you need to accept that your ex girlfriend doesn't want to reconcile and leave her in your past. You say a year has gone by and your friend says she is firm in not wanting to get back together with you. The only reason she was even considering meeting with you was to give you closure. Your not going to get closure by meeting her and by reading your post it doesn't sound like you want closure, you want to restart the relationship. She's not interested so this is going nowhere. Nobody is going to be able to talk her into it so asking your friend to try is pointless. The best thing you can do for yourself is work on acceptance.

 

I find the serenity prayer that alcoholics anonymous uses can be applied to most situations. Even if you don't believe in prayer or a higher power you can still use the prayer as a sort of mantra to keep you grounded.

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[d0nnivain]

You were dead wrong to put a 3rd person in the middle of your romance. The fact that your buddy even tried was a testament to how much he cared for you.

 

The whole mess was ridiculous. If you couldn't even be in the same room as your EX -- at her insistence -- this was all too immature to fix.

[LivingWaterPlease]

There's no playbook for the proper way for a person to be a liaison between person's best friend and SO. He did his best and it wasn't good enough and left you angry with him.

 

He's wise and also doing you a favor by refusing to talk with your ex gf for you again.

 

On another note, I'm so sorry to read about your illness. Please take care of yourself and surround yourself with those you can count on. If you were to try to get back with the ex, from what you've written, it's just going to be a stressful journey with results that are unsatisfactory to you.