CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 Grey, did you ever answer any of the many questions about your living arrangement/not having your "own space" and why you were always at her place and never at your place? What's up with that? 2
gaius Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 You know in all fairness to this woman none of us know Grey as well as she does/did. He might very well be as big of a mess as she makes him out to be. She might have been entirely justified in saying the things she did. Maybe he is blurting out hideously unsexy things commonly in their relationship and clinging on to her like he'd get sucked into a wood chipper if he let go. We have no idea. I know that I was a fairly big mess with women when I was younger, and the only way I improved was by sitting down after a disaster and analyzing what happened and what I could do better the next time. If Grey does that, sits down and really sorts through what she said, extracting what might be good feedback from what just might be nasty abuse, from the woman who knows him best, he'll likely have a much better go around the next time he's with someone. Good luck Grey, the world is your oyster. If you can figure out how to crack it open. 2
Author Grey40 Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 You know in all fairness to this woman none of us know Grey as well as she does/did. He might very well be as big of a mess as she makes him out to be. She might have been entirely justified in saying the things she did. Maybe he is blurting out hideously unsexy things commonly in their relationship and clinging on to her like he'd get sucked into a wood chipper if he let go. We have no idea. I know that I was a fairly big mess with women when I was younger, and the only way I improved was by sitting down after a disaster and analyzing what happened and what I could do better the next time. If Grey does that, sits down and really sorts through what she said, extracting what might be good feedback from what just might be nasty abuse, from the woman who knows him best, he'll likely have a much better go around the next time he's with someone. Good luck Grey, the world is your oyster. If you can figure out how to crack it open. Look I made some mistakes a lot of them in this relationship. The biggest ones being the insecurity and not trusting her. But like I said, her boundaries were really loose and she always seemed like she was purposely trying to instill insecurity into Me because she would say weird things that she just didn’t have to mention. Things like “yeah this guy did this to me today blah blah” it’s like. Just don’t mention it. It seemed like she was constantly testing me all the time. I don’t have my own place because I was saving up money to buy a place, I don’t think renting is a smart move at this point when I can live at my parents for free. I’m 30, which is old but not that bad in this day and age with how things are. I’m within a couple years of being able to buy something actually nice. But yes I can see why that would be a tough dealbreaker for her. That being said, she never once asked about changing things up. She didn’t ask if she come to my place ever, never brought it up once. She actively invited me to her place over and over again and told me it was cool if I wanted to be there more often and stay the night everytime. I do believe she really did love me at one point because she wouldn’t have accepted me being there literally all the time if she didn’t. She even admitted she could have slowed things down but didn’t want to hurt my feelings or lose me by doing so. So she kind of chickened out.
fromheart Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) We've all done what you've done. All you had to do was say 'Let me know if you ever change your mind, but I'm not interested in friendship. Got to go, bye.' That avoids all the above drama and pain. This was advised to you before. We can help you but only if you take on board what we are saying. Your now free to pursue a healthier relationship with a nicer person. This one sounds mad and abusive. Edited October 5, 2019 by fromheart
preraph Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I really think this was mostly about you not having your own place and leaning on her and using her place 90 percent. She does well for herself so she's got no reason to pick a man who isn't standing on his own two feet. I don't see you having a serious relationship until you're not living with your parents anymore and not leaning on someone else. My best advice is get a second job and get out on your own asap. And no more racial jokes. Those just don't fly with anyone and neither should they. 4
Author Grey40 Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) I really think this was mostly about you not having your own place and leaning on her and using her place 90 percent. She does well for herself so she's got no reason to pick a man who isn't standing on his own two feet. I don't see you having a serious relationship until you're not living with your parents anymore and not leaning on someone else. My best advice is get a second job and get out on your own asap. And no more racial jokes. Those just don't fly with anyone and neither should they. It’s Definitley a good wake up call for me to get my stuff together and move on to the next phase of my life from a career/independence standpoint. I don’t agree that that was main issue. She had even mentioned at one point she could totally see me living with her at her place, and she could get used to it. I think this really comes down to me acting extremely insecure, weak and somewhat needy. I did so many cringeworthy stalkerish type things like search her guy friends on FB (which she noticed) and was treating every interaction like I was convinced she was sleeping around and was doing detective work. I never accused her of anything. But I was always in my own head and kind of quiet a lot when we were together because I was analyzing her every move. I was over her place so much that it seemed like I was giving up my whole life to be with her instead. I smothered to the point where she felt I was only doing that just to make sure she had no time to go out and cheat or fool around on me. She felt like she had to constantly justify all her actions or I would get upset. And she also felt she had to constantly validate me all the time. So essentially I lost my masculine core about 2.5 months in and the dynamic changed. She started to lose attraction for me, and at the same lose respect. This cause her to go back in her mind and reevaluate everything about the relationship and she began to nitpick everything I did and started thinking about all the reasons it won’t work out. I lost who I was and she felt that. Unfortunately I noticed this too late, if I had caught myself a month earlier I may have been able to give her some more space and could have saved it, but I wasn’t picking up on any signs. Her behavior didn’t really seem to change all that much, but I was just blind to it. Edited October 5, 2019 by Grey40
kendahke Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 She had even mentioned at one point she could totally see me living with her at her place, and she could get used to it. that was probably before the full weight of the realization and materialization of what that exactly meant landed on her head.
Author Grey40 Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 The crazy pattern I’m noticing though is that everytime I feel the need to post a thread on here, it’s Definitley a bad sign. It has always meant it’s the end. I’ve never had a situation posted on here that ever worked out. So I guess my gut instinct to come here and reach out for help is my gut knowing that I’m grasping for straws.
crispytoast Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 The crazy pattern I’m noticing though is that everytime I feel the need to post a thread on here, it’s Definitley a bad sign. It has always meant it’s the end. I’ve never had a situation posted on here that ever worked out. So I guess my gut instinct to come here and reach out for help is my gut knowing that I’m grasping for straws. You aren't totally wrong about that. Although another pattern I've noticed here is that many times, the most popular advice isn't necessarily the most logical and often ends up making the situation worse, not better. Lot of jaded people on here letting their own insecurities out and exacerbate the problems on hand. I regularly face palm over a majority of the advice I see. 1
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 @crispytoast: It's hard to give advice when a poster comes on here accusing their date to make a full turn around for no valid reasons and then 150 posts later he finally admits all his wrong doing. 1
greymatter Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I did attempt to put her in her place and tell her she was acting like a child about this breakup and that she’s a coward for not trying to work on this and just throwing it away like a piss in the wind. How is accusing her of throwing it away and acting like a child, etc. "putting her in her place?" I'm not sure what you mean by that but you didn't put her in her place. You let her know yet again by saying that that you would put up with anything (meaning being treated like crap) to be with her. Focus on improving your situation in terms of being an independent adult, and your awareness about healthy, non-blaming communication. Work on your insecurities. It will be tough to have a successful relationship without these things, and more, improving. I would never be with someone who makes racist jokes - that is ugly/sad behavior that you chose to engage in. The positives are that these are all things that are within your power to change, should you choose to take the lessons from this situation and make an effort to examine your behavior and start to make changes whether that is through talking with friends and family, a therapist, or reading to develop much more self awareness. Next time you get into a new relationship, take things MUCH more slowly. Take time to really get to know the person you are dating and build trust. Value yourself enough to continue having your own life, interests, and friends, and time alone. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 It’s Definitley a good wake up call for me to get my stuff together and move on to the next phase of my life from a career/independence standpoint. I don’t agree that that was main issue. She had even mentioned at one point she could totally see me living with her at her place, and she could get used to it. I maintain this is the root issue. Her statement wasn't that meaningful. I could have totally seen my ex living with me as well. He practically was. We got along well, he did tons of man stuff around the house, great sex, lots of fun, he was even great at helping with household work. But there are many other aspects of a person to consider. Just getting along domestically doesn't mean he's necessarily a good choice for a husband/long-term partner. I think once you have your own place and full independence from your parents, you'll start feeling less insecure and needy. You'll be in a stronger position and that will give you more confidence. You'll start to look much more attractive to potential mates, and that will have a positive effect across the board. 1
Author Grey40 Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) You aren't totally wrong about that. Although another pattern I've noticed here is that many times, the most popular advice isn't necessarily the most logical and often ends up making the situation worse, not better. Lot of jaded people on here letting their own insecurities out and exacerbate the problems on hand. I regularly face palm over a majority of the advice I see. No doubt most people simply say drop her move on 90% of the time, and it’s not right or always that easy. I try to take everything here with a grain of salt and go with what my gut tells me. She said she wanted to “take a week break and then reconvene” but she wasn’t being honest or changed her mind. She said the reason she was texting me such mean nasty things was because she wanted to me to start the dialogue. She wanted me to get all pissed and react I guess, or in general just have that final “closure” talk. She kept pretending she wanted to make it work for a couple days but in reality she didn’t. She wanted me to change and become a different person, she couldn’t accept and love me for who I am. Some of her final words were “I wish you were different the entire time, we were so cute together it’s just such a shame we don’t view the world the same way. Maybe sometime down the road we’ll cross paths again and things will be different, you never know”. She asked me to not block her on social media, I said I won’t go that far just don’t talk to me again. , and what does she do? Later that night after the phone convo, she posts a picture of he at the party with a another guy, claiming “I just can’t even, he look like a celebrity”. Easily could just be a male friend too, but she clearly did that to spite me or to like rub it in even further. I don’t get why someone who broke up with me would be acting like she has to rub it in and spite me further. It almost seemed like I broke up with her and she was trying to get revenge or like “look you ****ed up and he stepped in”. Why even bother tormenting further? Edited October 5, 2019 by Grey40
fromheart Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 She said she wanted to “take a week break and then reconvene” Which leaves the man no option but to walk away. If you accept terms which do not suit you, a woman will see you as weak and her fading attraction for the man will be confirmed. No self respecting man accepts romantic terms that do not suit him. This has been proved on this forum time and time again. And I have to say, when this advice is given it is ignored time and time again. 1
Gaeta Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 She said she wanted to “take a week break and then reconvene” but she wasn’t being honest or changed her mind. Maybe she was honest at the time she said it and convinced herself otherwise after sleeping on it. People aren't always out there to get others. She asked me to not block her on social media, The one ready to jump right into a friendship afterward is the one less emotionally involved. she posts a picture of he at the party with a another guy, claiming “I just can’t even, he look like a celebrity”. Easily could just be a male friend too, but she clearly did that to spite me No she didn't, you're not that important to her. She has already forgotten about you and she's having fun. She didn't give a second thought to how that would make you feel, you're already just a friend. I don’t get why someone who broke up with me would be acting like she has to rub it in and spite me further. It almost seemed like I broke up with her and she was trying to get revenge or like “look you ****ed up and he stepped in”. Why even bother tormenting further? Again no. You feel hurt because you were infatuated and it hurts you to see this. You are long gone from her mind, she is not doing this to specifically hurt you, she's having her fun that's all. Block her. .
crispytoast Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 @crispytoast: It's hard to give advice when a poster comes on here accusing their date to make a full turn around for no valid reasons and then 150 posts later he finally admits all his wrong doing. I wasn't really talking about this thread specifically.
olivetree Posted October 6, 2019 Posted October 6, 2019 Grey, check out the book The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire by David Deida. I think every man could benefit from reading this, to some extent. Btw, I'm sorry this didn't work out for you. Maybe you did a lot of things "wrong" as you say, but maybe she really magnified your insecurities moreso than someone who was a better fit for you. 1
fromheart Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 Why would you want to be her friend? She friend zoned you and is out scoping out new prospects. Watching it play out on FB? She knows you’re watching - she is still being cruel. What could possibly be attractive about her at this point - she’s mean to you!!! You want that? He's settling for it. Many do. But its up to him to break the pattern, we can only advise.
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