She’s mad at me

[Mrin]

It’s been almost 7 hours since she last texted me now. That’s the longest she’s ever gone without messaging me. Do you think she’s finally moved on?

 

Stop it. Just stop it. Dude, you're eating your own brain.

 

Move along. Get on with you life. Stop micro analyzing this. Go out with your friends. Go see a movie. Do something!

[Gretchen12]

I don't know why you focus on these games of trying to make her miss you and trying to appear more confident. I don't think it even has to do with seeing her too often and being possessive and jealous.

 

Some people have bad pickers. A guy friend I had was a lawyer made good money, who kept having relationship problems with the women he goes out with. One time I asked him what he thinks is the most attractive thing he offers the woman. He said "a comfortable life", that he's a good provider. Well guess what, he keeps picking materialistic women then dumping them for what he calls gold digging. He is actually insecure, and felt he can only be wanted for his money.

 

I would be extremely insulted if someone insinuates I'm after their money. It is extremely insulting. And I'm someone who's not insulted to be called low intelligence because I don't judge others based on intelligence or money. I'd say to her I demand an apology and retraction, and that I'd rather starve to death than take one penny from her. And that she has no right to disrespect me.

 

After you stand up to her and reclaim your pride, you let this one go. She may come after you after that. But I caution you, if she's calling you cute, you may just be a puppy dog to her. It's not acceptable. Unless she learns she has made a big mistake and misjudged you, and changes her ways, this just isn't going to work out. Let her find someone who actually wants her for her money. That scenario might be the only one in which she feels wanted.

[schlumpy]

. Regardless of what you all say. I really love this girl and want to at least say I gave it a shot to make it work. I’d rather fail trying than to just cut her off because she said some mean things. A lot of times people say mean things impulsively and regret it later on. This could be the case.

 

Want to go down in flames, eh?

 

One day in the future you will wish you had the time back that you are spending on this, but good luck.

[Allupinnit]

A woman in love would not risk losing you like this. Sorry, but it's the truth.

[fromheart]

Want to go down in flames, eh?

 

One day in the future you will wish you had the time back that you are spending on this, but good luck.

 

He's heading that way. OP, you are asking for advice but doing your own thing. Many of us have done exactly the same thing you are doing right now, and know that you are heading for pain.

 

This woman is absolutely unsuitable for a relationship, and will never make you happy. She's already dumped you, yet you are remaining in her zone for more unpleasantness.

[Grey40]

Update:

 

Her: I wish you were different

Her: I’m really sad about it

Her: I’m Sad about a lot of things

Her: Ok clearly you’re not answering so this is Definitley not gonna work.

 

Me: sorry at work

 

Her: didn’t realize fb was work

Me: I had a rough patch, I’m not the person you think I am

Her: I think you’re sheltered and uncomfortable around people that aren’t like you. And I don’t think being sheltered is a good excuse.

Me: That’s something that can be improved

Her: Like you’re so cute but you say things that make you so unattractive. It’s embarrasing.

[Grey40]

Do you think it’s possible that she cheated on me and rather than admitting the truth is doing all this?

 

Or maybe she just realized **** was getting too serious and got scared and backed out because the commitment was becoming too much?

 

I just feel like this is so sudden and abrupt. Literally Monday morning she’s twlljng me she loves me and I’m the best and how cute we are and literally two hours later unprovoked just completely changes her ton. Just odd

[winny]

Do you think it’s possible that she cheated on me and rather than admitting the truth is doing all this?

 

Or maybe she just realized **** was getting too serious and got scared and backed out because the commitment was becoming too much?

 

I just feel like this is so sudden and abrupt. Literally Monday morning she’s twlljng me she loves me and I’m the best and how cute we are and literally two hours later unprovoked just completely changes her ton. Just odd

 

Do you want to be with such a fickle minded person?

Also she is being pretty rude and disrespectful on her texts. Have some self respect and stop responding. Tell her you agree with her and she should find someone else.

[Ruby Slippers]

She's being a total bitch to you. I've never said such awful, rude things to a man I care about. Sure, we all fly off the handle now and then in the heat of a disagreement.

 

But even with a little time apart, she's just flat out insulting you.

 

Why is your self-worth so low that you accept this treatment? If anyone talked to me that way, they'd be history, period.

 

There are other women out there, plenty of much nicer ones.

[Grey40]

She's being a total bitch to you. I've never said such awful, rude things to a man I care about. Sure, we all fly off the handle now and then in the heat of a disagreement.

 

But even with a little time apart, she's just flat out insulting you.

 

Why is your self-worth so low that you accept this treatment? If anyone talked to me that way, they'd be history, period.

 

There are other women out there, plenty of much nicer ones.

 

The reasoning is that she’s never been like this. Literally just the last 2-3 days. She was nothing but super nice and amazing to me every single day until this last Sunday-Monday night. In fact she treated me better than any girl I’ve ever been with my entire life, I really thought maybe for once I had found the one.

 

She did reup on her meds on Sunday, maybe that could be a cause. The only reason I’m chilling back and not attacking her back is that I’m wondering if this is just a depressive episode and she’s just taking it out on me because she can. If I put her in her place I’ll for sure be blocked and deleted and that will close the door for good. I may get to that point, but I’m not there yet.

 

I know it’s not right, but I’ve dealt with this before with another girl who was emotionally unstable and she would have spouts like this all the time yet I loved her and dated her for 5 years.

 

I’m hoping beyond belief that it’s a combo of her meds, being reminded of her dad dying and pms all combining. Maybe she’ll come clean and tell me the truth next week. Maybe I was right all along and she did/was cheating and couldn’t man up and admit it.

[greymatter]

What were the racist jokes that you made?

[Grey40]

What were the racist jokes that you made?

 

I don’t remember exactly which one bothered her. There weren’t very many of them and they were typical stereotype stuff you’d hear from any basic comedian. Nothing like super offensive to my ears at least

[fromheart]

I don’t remember exactly which one bothered her. There weren’t very many of them and they were typical stereotype stuff you’d hear from any basic comedian. Nothing like super offensive to my ears at least

 

Non PC humor is a favorite of mine, but I only make those jokes when someone knows that I am firmly non racist, sexist etc. And that they enjoy the same humor.

[fromheart]

The reasoning is that she’s never been like this. Literally just the last 2-3 days. She was nothing but super nice and amazing to me every single day until this last Sunday-Monday night

I know it’s not right, but I’ve dealt with this before with another girl who was emotionally unstable and she would have spouts like this all the time yet I loved her and dated her for 5 years.

.

 

Your making excuses for her. Many of us have to face all sorts of horrible stuff in life. My dad has passed away also. Doesn't give me the excuse to treat women badly, does it.

 

There is no entitlement to abuse those closest to us. You are not her emotional punch bag. This lacks self respect. Its addiction to her good side, tolerating her nasty stuff. That's not love, its addiction. If you start to do self work, you'll get to that conclusion eventually.

 

These abusive episodes will just get longer and worse with her or someone else, because that is what you choose to tolerate.

[Mrin]

Update:

Her: I wish you were different

 

... <snip> ...

 

Her: Like you’re so cute but you say things that make you so unattractive. It’s embarrasing.

 

OP: This is horrific. Emasculating. Malevolent even. Why anyone say these things to someone they supposedly care about is beyond me. If I were on the receiving end of that I would feel like complete crap.

 

There is nothing to be learned her anymore. Nothing to be saved. Let's look at this logically:

 

1. This is the "true her": Then, the only thing you have of value to her are your looks. She's said you're cute many times in the conversations you've relayed. And I think once she said you were good in the sack. But that's it. Cute-ness isn't a quality, it is a characteristic. Everything else she's said about you and your qualities has been a negative or a criticism. Aside from your looks, you are contemptible to her. Why on earth would you want to continue to be around that?

 

2. She's whacked out on meds, PMS, her dad's death and whatever other things you can come up with to excuse her behavior: She's either a) crazy or b) abusive. Rule #1: life is too short to stick your D in crazy. Live it. Take it from me and a bagillion other dudes - don't do it. It isn't worth it. Rule #2: don't let abusive people into your life. Abusive people don't change. That's just who they are. Those little neurosynaptic pathways that keep us from lashing out on other people in times of stress just don't exist in abusive people. They just _aren't_there_. Why on earth would you want to continue to be around that?

 

There's nothing more to be gained from continuing contact with this woman unless you're some sort of masochist. If I were you I would text her this:

 

"You know, you say the ugliest things to me. Hurtful things. Mean things. For the life of me, I can't figure out why you would say such things to someone you supposedly love or loved just a few days ago. I've held my tongue. Endured your vitriol. No more. I don't want those things in my life anymore. I don't want you in my life anymore. I'm blocking you now. Please don't try to contact me again."

 

And then block her. Everywhere. And never, ever look back.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[elaine567]

She wasn't "abusive" or "cray cray" until she decided to dump the OP.

She then gave good and valid reasons for doing so.

My guess the OP didn't accept the reasons, and so she has had to roll out the bigger guns, so he gets the message louder and clearer...

 

It maybe seemed like flicking a switch to the OP, but obviously this was not just a spur of the moment thing that came out of thin air. She had been thinking about it for a while.

 

Racist jokes are not great, and I would not be surprised if it was those and maybe other things he said too that had her cringing in embarrassment. These are dealbreakers and on top of her other reservations, could explain the quick turnaround... the last straw...

 

Comedians make "iffy" jokes all the time but good comedians know their audience, they know the law and they know how far they can push it.

Amateur "jokers" can be seen as cruel, as insensitive, as crude, as grossly offensive, as stupid, if they tell "iffy" jokes and choose the wrong audience...

I guess this girl was the wrong audience...

[Gaeta]

She was nothing but super nice and amazing to me every single day until this last Sunday-Monday night.

I think you are so infatuated with her that you didn't see the past 4 months she was building up frustration. She gave you a collection of complains, she's been accumulating these incidents, this is not something that was born 2-3 days ago.

 

In fact she treated me better than any girl I’ve ever been with my entire life, I really thought maybe for once I had found the one.

Meh, abusers are often extremely charming in between their crisis.

 

I know it’s not right, but I’ve dealt with this before with another girl who was emotionally unstable and she would have spouts like this all the time yet I loved her and dated her for 5 years.

So you have a history of dating abusers, and it's almost the norm for you.

 

I’m hoping beyond belief that it’s a combo of her meds, being reminded of her dad dying and pms all combining. Maybe she’ll come clean and tell me the truth next week. Maybe I was right all along and she did/was cheating and couldn’t man up and admit it.

And then? you'll endure this every 3 months? You sound like people in relationships with alcoholic *but he's so nice when he's sober*.

 

 

.

[Grey40]

So you really don’t think that she’s going to change her mind with some space and some no contact?

 

Why even bother saying “you don’t want to make this work obviously” etc. it sounds like she’s still conflicted. If I tell her off it’s only going to make her think her decision of dumping me was the right one. Yes what she’s saying is not good. I understand that.

Edited October 4, 2019 by Grey40

[Gaeta]

Grey: It's not about her and what she wants.......it's about YOU and what you should not endure, about your self-respect, and the type of future YOU want.

[Grey40]

Grey: It's not about her and what she wants.......it's about YOU and what you should not endure, about your self-respect, and the type of future YOU want.

 

What if I don’t believe this is the true her? Because I don’t. This isn’t the person I fell in love with the way she’s treating me. I was thinking of telling her that. Thinking back I did act incredibly insecure a lot of the time especially the last month or so, that’s why she lost respect. If I can get back to my masculine self she might remember the good things. But I guess the only way to do that would be to put my foot down and go total NC. She hasn’t reached out to me at all since those texts last night. This is Definitley the longest she’s been able to hold out. So I guess it’s getting easier for her to move on.

Edited October 4, 2019 by Grey40

[Gaeta]

Grey: I am out of arguments :-( , sounds like you want to learn that lesson the hard way.

[Allupinnit]

Did you make racist jokes around her within earshot of others? Come on, dude, you're not Chris Rock.

 

That's a total dealbreaker for me as well and I don't think what she said was abusive at all. I also hate when men use terms like "bitches" when talking about women. It sounds like she felt like she was falling in love with you but couldn't overlook a lot of things such as perhaps your social awkwardness, your lack of ambition and less-than-ideal living situation. The stuff on FB was uncalled for, I'll give you that, but to me she just seems like a woman who fell out of love.

 

Four months in is usually when relationships either make it or break it. You can't just let her string you along, keep reiterating why she dumped you over text, taking it like her little b*tch and hope for the best.

 

She thinks you're hot, likes the sex, but sorry dude you're not "it" for her and you need to block her.

[olivetree]

If I can get back to my masculine self she might remember the good things.

 

If you want to get back to your masculine self, you need to not put up with someone not wanting to be with you.

No trying to convince her to stay, that things can be different, etc.

 

Instead, say, "ok, take care" or don't even respond when she is saying mean things, and then you can quietly work on you.

 

No one ever believes someone when they say "I can change".

Plus it sounds like begging, opposite of masculinity.

You need to actually demonstrate change through actions.

And you definitely need to stand up for yourself in your relationships.

 

That aside, I don't see anything here worth saving.

It doesn't sound like she likes you.

She called you cute and said the sex was hot.

This sounds very shallow.

Edited October 5, 2019 by olivetree

[Grey40]

Thanks for all the help and insight everyone. We had a conversation over the phone and it’s officially over. She just can’t get over all the little things that bother her. Deep inside I feel like she’s not being 100% honest about the situation and is holding back. She said she didn’t “want” to break up but “had” to: Overall she was really mean and bitchy over the phone with me and acted like she never really gave a **** about the relationship beyond a superficial level. She went on to say I “have a lot of work to” and can’t “keep a woman”.

 

I did attempt to put her in her place and tell her she was acting like a child about this breakup and that she’s a coward for not trying to work on this and just throwing it away like a piss in the wind. I told her all of her red flags and how I don’t think she’s ever going to be relationship material. She mostly came back hard saying I was a piece of ****.

 

I tried to lay down my terms, she didn’t want them. She said “I won’t be sleepingt with you anymore and I guess we won’t be friends either”

 

I said “ yeah please don’t ever contact me ever again”

 

 

I think I ****ed up this whole relationship by being insecure neeedy and weak and allowing her to lose respect and attraction for me. This is a learning experience. I won’t let that happen again.

[Gaeta]

You talk like a battered wife that says she shouldn't have nagged her husband, it's her fault if he punched her.