Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 She’s been texting me constantly throughout the day asking me certain questions about my previous behavior etc. and just in general normal stuff we’d usually talk about. I’ve been very short with my answers. Then she says “I’m trying to be nice and you don’t seem interested in talking.” I replied, “Inc just trying to give you the space we talked about, I think it’ll suit us well”
TheFinalWord Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Yeah, you're there too much. Why don't you invite her to your place? Split things up? The good news is, she is giving you a chance to fix things. Most women would just dump, so she must really like you. Your short tone over texting though comes across like you are punishing her, rather than creating space, naturally. I can understand why you are being that way, because it's hard to go backwards in the relationship unless you have good communication and can set boundaries. It sounds like you don't have much going on, other than her. Get some friends, some hobbies, stay late at the office. Something other than making her the center of your universe. And do it quickly. Let her fight for your time because right now she's having you over out of guilt, not because she feels there is a healthy space. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Stop replying completely and I'm 99% sure it will drive her crazy with desire to see you again. Not that this will help you long term. But I think it's very foolish to let her keep you dangling at the end of her string like this. 1
TheFinalWord Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) The other thing I noticed, is she doesn't want you to use her for the life she can provide you, but she dictates all the terms. If you are broken up or not, if things are healthy or not, if you CAN TEXT or not. And if you wonder if she loves you, she is trying things for your benefit? "You're really cute and I know you care about me." One issue here is she is wearing the pants in the relationship. No way would I tolerate this. You do need to ask yourself, if you had your own place, would you be over as much? Because it feels like a power imbalance and women don't like to have the power. They think they do, but they don't. lol You may not have the financial means to be the provider, you'll have to take charge of her, emotionally. Right now, she's just doing this to ease the pain of a break up for HER benefit. If you can't do this quickly, as soon as she's okay with ending things, or has another man lined up, you'll get dropped. She's already got an excuse in her mind and she's broken up once. I take back what I said about your texting as though you're punishing her. You have to treat this like she broke up with you. She wants to see your confidence, which means you don't come unglued when she walks away. She wants to earn you, and I agree with Ruby, don't text much unless it's to set up a date. Edited October 2, 2019 by TheFinalWord 1
IslandSanctuary Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 How old are you guys? To me the whole caption bit then her explaining how she is bothered by seeing you too much just sounds like an immature tit for tat. If she'd been inviting me over all the time and then said this I'd be a bit pissed at her - this is a normal reaction here and women respect men that respect themselves. I don't respect women that play childish games. Remember there are plenty of fish in the sea and only reward behaviour that deserves reward. Try to stop thinking about her so much, hang out with your friends, engage in your hobbies etc. Let her reach out to you. Talking to her again, while normally is the correct course of action here seems overkill and just more of what was bothering her. You should have just stayed away for a few days.
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 Thanks FinalWord some good thoughts. She’s continually texting me first acting like nothing is any different. SHE broke up with me, revoked our relationship status on FB and deleted all of our pictures together instantly. Basically blames me totally and then changes her mind the next day that we’re gonna “give it a week” and take it from there. My approach here is to respond but take quite a long time and appear Busy even if I’m not. But the goal is stay naturall busy and appear that I don’t need her. 1
Allupinnit Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) Um - there's definitely someone else if she's erased everything of you from her social media. She's waiting to see how that pans out before cutting you off for good. I'd definitely block her. She dumped you. She can't have it both ways. She won't respect you if you let her, either. Edit: I can't think of too many people who break up like this where one person is basically already emotionally checked out yet too cowardly to completely pull the plug, ending up together. Edited October 2, 2019 by Allupinnit 1
some_username1 Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Um - there's definitely someone else if she's erased everything of you from her social media. She's waiting to see how that pans out before cutting you off for good. I'd definitely block her. She dumped you. She can't have it both ways. She won't respect you if you let her, either. Edit: I can't think of too many people who break up like this where one person is basically already emotionally checked out yet too cowardly to completely pull the plug, ending up together. That’s my take on it too. It’s all very well being told to be a confident guy and tough it all out...but confident men get cheated on and made to look a fool every day. The trick is build up the evidence and weigh the probabilities and for me, all those scenarios that were quoted seem innocuous on their own but when put together suggests that, all the very least, this girl is a flirt and acts available. She gave the band mate the female equivalent of a wolf whistle, jeez who would put up with that? Very inappropriate. Also the jealous controlling ex seems to be the must have fashion accessory of the social media generation. Undoubtedly there are controlling men out there but in my experience there are just as many girls who cry wolf and once you get to see the girl in action you realise that for some of them the ex came across as controlling simply because he had firm boundaries and wouldn’t put with a girl who hooched around town. He then gets labelled as controlling and jealous so there is no need for introspection on her part. So when you add up the evidence (deleted photos/social media revisionism, poor boundaries with males in her social circle, the jealous/controlling ex, “I don’t want to see you for a week”) and ask the question: “is she auditioning for my replacement” - it seems to me the chance is more than 50% that she is. I wouldn’t ditch her completely, but I’d be auditioning for her replacement and keeping her at the end of MY string. You’re the man, you should be in control of how this pans out. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 My approach here is to respond but take quite a long time and appear Busy even if I’m not. But the goal is stay naturall busy and appear that I don’t need her. Why do you care how you "appear" to a woman who just broke up with you via text and removed you as her boyfriend from her social media, and is now toying with you to avoid her own loneliness and worry? This woman is not the boss of you. Or is she? I hope not, because women don't respect men they can jerk around. 1
TheFinalWord Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) You're doing the right things if you want her back. Like most women, they react emotionally, and then their logic kicks in later. Women base their decisions on intuition, then emotion, then reason. Their intuition is formed based on past relationships and that's why she is worried you are using her for her money. That's why a woman can create an entire story in her mind about you, that is completely wrong, without having ever talked to you about the issue. They will create an entire conversation in their minds, that doesn't represent your opinions at all. That's why all of a sudden issues come up out of seemingly no where and you find yourself trying to fight against a narrative that doesn't represent your intentions at all. Women that do this, have poor communication skills. I normally accept the break up at this point, because trying to have a relationship of consequence with a woman that has poor communication skills is a constant source of stress and drama. You want a relationship that is easy and fun, especially at only 4 months! Just me, but if I were you, I would wonder if things are better left the way they are. She would have to earn me back after that series of actions. No way would I jump through all these hoops she is making you jump through. She can have her money lol But that's me... Once she filters you through her intuition, then her decisions are filtered through her emotions. Emotions are impulsive and that's why she does things like impulsively deleting your existence on social media. Social media sounds trivial, but it's the main way a lot of women display their social status and it does matter to them. No way would I accept "can we take a break for a few months and try again." If you were together 4 years, maybe a break would be an option. But 4 months? She is just putting you on the back burner. Either that, or easing the pain of a break up for her benefit. A key you can tell when gauging a woman's interest. Is she putting you before herself? When a woman is into a guy, she will put him first because women naturally like confident men that they can look up to as a leader. When she put you first, she didn't care about you staying over and she didn't worry about whether you were taking advantage of her financial situation. If they're putting their selves first, they have lost attraction. She even said she liked the confidence you showed in the beginning. I think the main thing is you can't let her have control over what happens. If she can use her financial situation as leverage to control you, it will sub-consciously let her know you care about her money. If she can't control the relationship due to her financial situation, her attraction will probably come back. She has to earn you back after dumping you and dictating all the terms. The good thing is, I think you have a solid chance to win her back, but you have to go back to the confidence guy she was attracted to at the beginning. That and not staying over out or her asking you to stay over, out of guilt or trying to force attraction. You can't negotiate desire. My mentality though would genuinely be, is this better left the way it is, or is she worth all this drama? She's already shown you who she is. When an issue arises, she doesn't come to you, communicate, and work towards a solution. She builds up a narrative in her mind based on past relationships, dumps, then tries to strong arm you using her financial situation. Poor communicator, manipulative, and puts herself first. Not ideal relationship material in my humble opinion... Edited October 3, 2019 by TheFinalWord
greymatter Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 From one grey to another, if it were me, I would tell her I need a true break from talking/texting and ask her to give me time to think, and ask her to not be in contact. You should use that time to really think about how you want to be treated (hopefully you will discover - not like this). And, please read the article by Mark Manson about "F@ck yes or no". If she is not F@ck yes about you, which she isn't, you should walk away. I love that article. 2
Author Grey40 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Posted October 3, 2019 From one grey to another, if it were me, I would tell her I need a true break from talking/texting and ask her to give me time to think, and ask her to not be in contact. You should use that time to really think about how you want to be treated (hopefully you will discover - not like this). And, please read the article by Mark Manson about "F@ck yes or no". If she is not F@ck yes about you, which she isn't, you should walk away. I love that article. She was f@ck yes like two days ago. I forgot to mention that she is on meds as well..Luvox and Concerta
gaius Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 She doesn't want to try again in a few months. All this contact and question nonsense is just a guilt ridden reaction to make herself feel better for ditching you. You will get nothing of value from her moving forward. Just contact on her terms to make herself feel better. I would just ditch her and start analyzing what went wrong and if you were really the problem. And if you were, learn from it and make sure you curb that behavior in the future.
schlumpy Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 She builds up a narrative in her mind based on past relationships, dumps, then tries to strong arm you using her financial situation. Poor communicator, manipulative, and puts herself first. Not ideal relationship material in my humble opinion... Great post. I had to copy this one and print it out. Lots to think about. I'll see if I can get my wife to read it. That should make for an amusing afternoon. 1
fromheart Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) Not sure why you want to date her to be honest. Its all about her. If you want to rekindle her interest, you need to go complete NC until she comes up with a deal that suits you. Right now your agreeing to her demands, bringing up the word 'love,' when she is not using it. She doesn't deserve that word and she knows it. You bringing it up makes you seem weak and needy. She's just dumped you, a woman doesn't deserve your love and care when she's dumped you. The absolute minute a woman demonstrates a lowered interest, you disappear. - Complete NC -Work on yourself -If single, pursue other women. I once got dumped on a dinner date. I got up and left immediately. She pursued me down the street, asking me to at least stay for dessert. I agreed, and made it clear that we can't be friends as that's not want I want. A few days later, I dated another woman in our work circle. A short while after she wanted me back. I don't take back dumpers, as they have missed their chance. You've got to really stop agreeing to demands. She's already a rich girl, if you agree to the demands of her highness, she will treat you like a d#ldo. Sorry to be so direct. You'll be viewed as a man with low value if you act like this. You deserve nothing less than a woman who treats you with the respect you deserve. Looking at the examples that came on your radar, yes that would come up on my radar also. Ignore the poster who describes such a behavior as a 'strong, independent woman.' If her bf did the same, she'd not like it. It's disrespectful, entitled behavior which creates cat ladies, not happy, balanced family women. If you don't believe me check her in 15 years. If she's 30 and still acting like this, chances are she'll never change. And she doesn't have much time to start a family, if that's what you're after. At your age, a woman in her early to mid 20's would be a better match. Edited October 3, 2019 by fromheart
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 My guess, she liked the "in love" feeling, she was drunk on love, but when her head kicked in, it told her this guy is not good enough for you, so she quickly sobered up. Her brain told her - He is a sponger and he is just using you. You need someone a lot better. At best he is a fun toy, but not someone to be taken as a serious suitor. She listened and binned you, but misses her "teddy bear" so she keeps in some contact. I agree with Gaius, this 4 month split is nonsense and just a little consolation prize thrown in your direction to stop you from thinking she is a bad person and to assuage any guilt she may feel. IMO she has no intention of picking this up ever again. 4
TheFinalWord Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) Great post. I had to copy this one and print it out. Lots to think about. I'll see if I can get my wife to read it. That should make for an amusing afternoon. Glad it helped! I was typing from my phone, so it's a bit scattered and needed to be organized better, but I ran out of time. She was f@ck yes like two days ago. I forgot to mention that she is on meds as well..Luvox and Concerta Oh wow bro...she should be on her knees thanking God to have a boyfriend at all, especially one as nice as you are (I can tell you're a good guy). Seriously, what guy would put up with this long-term? My guess is she has multiple, 90 and 180 day relationships that start to fall apart when she gets too much into her own head. Yes, things moved fast, but seriously, one conversation like an adult and this could be resolved. She's blaming it all on you, which is typical female logic when they are trying to break up. A lot of times, women like to come across like the innocent ones, but she encouraged this behavior and had a role to play as well. She uses her money to get attention and to attract men, then gets mad when they enter her frame. Interestingly, she is displaying what is typically male behavior. Men are typically the ones that use their cars, money, status to attract women and just like a man, she's worried about gold diggers, which is a rational precaution. But often these men use their money to attract a woman and show off, but then get mad when the woman enters into his frame of a wealthy playboy looking to spoil her due to his status as a man of means. Overall, to me, she's making a mountain out of a mole hill. But I think you're doing the right things here and if this was a good woman that you made some mistakes with, I would tell you. But to me, she's not quality relationship material. If she doesn't come back, I think you dodged a bullet. You find out how someone is for a relationship when a misunderstanding or barrier presents itself. A person with good communication skills and a desire to work it out, will overcome the misunderstanding, and you will both know each other on a deeper level. Instead, it's all your fault, deletes you, dictates all the terms. Basically, acting like a toddler. She's just a girl to have fun with, not to take seriously. She fears she is only being used for her money, but her actions show that is basically all she is good for and that's why this happens to her over and over again. Self-fulling prophecy. Reminds me of my wealthy friend that uses his money to attract women, then calls them gold diggers. I want to tell him, you are setting the bar that you are a man of means and she is in for a fun time filled with fancy dinners, exotic travel, new experiences that require money, then get mad when she adopts the lifestyle you used to attract her. Out of curiosity, does she have tattoos? Edited October 3, 2019 by TheFinalWord
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Do we know that this has happened over and over again to her? Maybe her usual guys are more set up, own their own home, are richer. She let her guard down and in popped Grey40, once she started thinking straight she went OMG, NO, what a mistake, there is no future here... and dumped him. Nothing wrong with that surely? Why does she need to be painted as a psycho? Dating is about filtering out those we are not compatible with... 3
Gaeta Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Grey: Did something happened before she broke up? did you fight about something? was she frustrated about something specific? It sounds like that break up was done on impulse and now she regrets. Now learning she's on meds you can't ignore you're dealing with a lady battling mental illness. If you date her knowing she's on those meds you have to accept she may have erratic behavior at times. Has she discuss with you the details of her illness?
Allupinnit Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 So because she wants to break up after OP squatted at her house for 4 months she's not relationship material?! Wow LOL OP - it's not nearly as complicated as a lot of these other posters are trying to make it out to be. They are making blanket statements/judgments on this woman they've never met based on the few posts by you and it's laughable. Simply, she just isn't feeling you anymore and while she still probably likes you and misses having you around this relationship is dead in the water and she's just going to continue to jerk you around if you let her. It's got nothing to do with her money, or how women process things, or tattoos, or any of these other hilarious speculations about the "typical female"(which I'm sure are pulled from some other forum for men). Human nature is pretty basic across the board. 2
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 We went to a festival and took some pictures together, and I got a little mad that she posted the picture and left a caption on it on Facebook that kind of made it sound like she didn’t want to be there and was making a joke out of it. She said it was because it was funny.. Many a true word spoken in jest. That was I guess the truth and it was the catalyst for the cut back and then the dumping. Whilst the OP was surging ahead, she was not happy about the situation...
Author Grey40 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Posted October 3, 2019 (edited) Out of curiosity, does she have tattoos? Yup a bunch of tattoos, just got a new one a couple weeks ago. She texted me again this morning, “hello”. I mean I know it’s “her” terms.l, but she did say she thinks she made a mistake and wants to pick it up next week and move slow. So I feel like going total NC isn’t a great move. I just feel like she’ll get more pissed and give up thinking I’m not going to talk. Edited October 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
Allupinnit Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 I have PLENTY of women friends who have tats and are wonderful wives and mothers. NEXT.
fromheart Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 She texted me again this morning, “hello”. I mean I know it’s “her” terms.l, but she did say she thinks she made a mistake and wants to pick it up next week and move slow. So I feel like going total NC isn’t a great move. I just feel like she’ll get more pissed and give up thinking I’m not going to talk. Ok man, its your decision. As I always say, you need to make the same mistakes many other men make, in order to come to the same conclusions. Few months in and she's cat calling men in front of you, dumped you and your aware of her temper. If this is what you settle for, this is what life will give. 2
some_username1 Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 Do we know that this has happened over and over again to her? Maybe her usual guys are more set up, own their own home, are richer. She let her guard down and in popped Grey40, once she started thinking straight she went OMG, NO, what a mistake, there is no future here... and dumped him. Nothing wrong with that surely? Why does she need to be painted as a psycho? Dating is about filtering out those we are not compatible with... You sound like her mother! That’s a lot of extrapolating and sounds like you are desperate to put the boot into the app for his current situation whilst ignoring some pretty obvious red flags from her side that both question her trustworthiness and ability to think rationally. tl;dr, he might not have his own place but in terms of mental capacity and maturity OP has a lot more to offer than this woman.
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