schlumpy Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 I urge caution although I know this is going fall on deaf ears. You've already made the mistake of telling her that you share the blame. I didn't find any of her excuses acceptable considering how she plunged headlong into the relationship. I display my caution and concern upfront not after I've had sex every night for two months with someone I barely know. She wants to keep you on the back burner with just enough attention and sex to keep you dreamy eyed. Meanwhile she will be casting about. If that doesn't bother you then use her until the relationship collapses from lack of inertia but if you are longing for a LTR - this isn't the girl for you. Instead, focus on your own life and improve your status so that you have more control over the relationship with your next SO. 1
lurker74 Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 The big thing here isn't the amount of time you spend at her place - although it can be good to have separate lives for a long while - but he comment on your lack of confidence. When we first meet people, most of us (although not all) play our cards close to our vest. This has a natural attraction component to it, especially women. A confident man is attractive and something to be won. Over a long time, the man opens up and the couple becomes more intimate and hopefully he can share his insecurities and doubts. But early on, that sharing erodes part of what she found attractive until she actually starts to find you mildly pathetic. And I'm using the word "pathetic" in it's literal way: arousing pity, not in the more common definition of inadequate. But if she pities you, she doesn't respect you and she loses her attraction. I learned this lesson early on in dating. I am confident, naturally, but I am very careful about opening up my doubts early on. You need to win back that feeling in her that she felt early on...that you had to be won. And there is only one way to do it. You have to let go. That doesn't mean break up (but maybe it does). No, letting go means you have to be OK with the idea that it may not work out. When you get OK with it, your confidence will come back. And you can enjoy being with her more, as well, because you won't be constantly checking in. And maybe...just maybe...you two survive this. tl;dr version: she ain't mad at you, she pities you, which is worse. 2
chillii Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) Yeah as Maddie said is exactly how l see it too. Sorry to say but you just don't understand her so you want answers all the time. Even when you said l'll see ya Friday bad move , she just finished telling you she wanted some space she didn't wanna think about Frid night. Or rocking up and getting into it for an hour when it was pretty clear she was really pushing herself to even get into that right then. No surprises she basically snapped later. lm not sure if you could do it because your both so different but you really need to let her clear her head and stop pushing and asking it for awhile imo. Even though she'll probably text you a bit just keep it light don;t be so needy and pestering as Maddie said she's over overwhelmed . Edited October 2, 2019 by chillii
clia Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) I've never understood how people can do this. Don't you have a life, hobbies, and friends outside of her? Did that all end when you met her? She's probably been praying to God that one night you might say you had plans with friends or errands to run or were going to play basketball or something. Or that on Saturday morning you might leave and go do your own thing for a few hours. It's just odd to have a new person hanging around your house constantly in such a new relationship. My guess is that she's been stewing about this for awhile and hoping that you might, on your own initiative, show her that you have a life outside of her. Then she just got tired of waiting. You should take this as a huge learning experience. For now, you really need to keep your distance and let her lead as far as contact, assuming you still want to see her. Don't see her more than 3 times a week, and limit the sleepovers. Go out on dates and then go home at the end of the night like most people do at the beginning of a relationship. Edited October 2, 2019 by clia 3
Gaeta Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 I'm also unsure if I can trust you to be able to trust me with the way you've been acting. You admitted you haven't been trusting me, and it worries me you never will. Grey: Would you please elaborate on that.
preraph Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Doesn't that seem a bit long? I'm really not sure I want to go from where we were to acting like we just met and I have to treat her like a first date. It really seems like a lot of work. I was hoping with just some space she'll miss me enough to where she'll want it to be a little faster. I thought there was a chance until you wrote this. You may as well pull the plug now because she doesn't want someone around all the time. She may never. She may only marry a guy who works a lot, is gone a lot or whatever. How much do you work, how many hours a day? And why don't you have your own place? This isn't going to work if she's independent and you are not, and it doesn't even sound like you want to be independent. She's not going to "speed up" at all, so if that's honestly how you feel, you should be honest with her because that's going to be a dealbreaker for her.
kendahke Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Damn you guys were right. I’m worried she’s gonna give me the official boot now before that, I hope thyas not the case. If she does, then she does... not all relationships are meant to work out.
clia Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Doesn't that seem a bit long? I'm really not sure I want to go from where we were to acting like we just met and I have to treat her like a first date. It really seems like a lot of work. There is a lot of room between a first date and living together. It sounds to me like she just wants to be dating, not quasi-living together. She wants to go out on dates with you and spend time with you, but not necessarily spend an entire weekend with you or feel that everything has to lead to a sleepover. This is totally normal and reasonable at four months into a relationship. If you don't want to take a step back, then you should probably just move on. 1
kendahke Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) I could see how you could feel that way, especially with how often I've been over there, and I don't have my own private place. Seriously---get this issue sorted and resolved. Whatever you have to do to straighten out your living situation, do it-- so you can show some real progress in a few months to her. As it stands, it seems you're more of a dependent to her posting up at her place all the time. It looks like you're trying to live with her because your situation is messy. That's part of that mystery dying for her and as I said earlier, the real her doesn't want the real you all up in her space all the time this early on. I agree with chillii---you need to learn to self soothe and not be so clingy/needy/got-to-be-all-up-in-your-space-all-the-time. It was just too soon and self discipline needed to be factored in somewhere along that line. Her: I am always afraid that people are dating me for the wrong reasons because I'm independent and have money and convenient for them, and they're just using me. Yep--she peeped your game from 500 paces because you fell into that familiar pattern she's seen way too much: another broke dude who hasn't got his life together thinking he can sponge off her and her daddy's money. Edited October 2, 2019 by kendahke
smackie9 Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) Gosh this sounds so much like a rebound.....TBH I don't think the amount of time spent together is too much to blame for this. It's a matter of the chemistry simply dying off. And that is just normal. Not every exciting relaitonship is going to last forever. Edited October 2, 2019 by smackie9
Ruby Slippers Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Me: I could see how you could feel that way, especially with how often I've been over there, and I don't have my own private place. I think this is the root problem. My living situation was better than my last bf's, so he was always at my place and pushing things forward fast. At first I didn't realize why this was so unsettling, but over time it became clear. My financial situation was better than his, I've been more responsible with my career and finances and am further along in my financial development, even though he's 8 years older. Never before had I been in a relationship where the man wasn't offering up his place, what he had, for me, but was trying to wiggle his way into my space and life and what I had worked hard to build. It felt really backwards and was a huge turnoff for me. Lesson learned - I'll never do that again. I don't think this relationship is salvageable. She's trying to keep you on the back burner as a texting buddy because she doesn't have the strength to fully face reality and move on. I wouldn't be that chump if I were you. I have a feeling you will, as she's obviously in the power position in the relationship, but it's not going to get you anywhere. Any decent woman wants an independent man with his own home he can invite her to. If I were you, I'd make it a top priority to improve my career and finances and make that happen. Until you do, no decent woman is going to see you as a catch and want to make a long-term commitment. 2
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 You're really cute and I know you really care about me but I need to believe its for the right reasons and not because I'm capable of taking care of you and making your life easy. ^^^ This. She thinks you are a hanger-on. She doesn't want a child to take care of... she wants an independent man, one with at least his own home I guess. 1
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) Grey: Would you please elaborate on that. There weee some things she did throughout that made me doubt my trust in her being faithful, some of them were warranted, some of them I was reading too much into. I felt bad bringing it up because her ex used to do that and that’s what ended their relationship. So a lot of times when she did weird things like that I would bite my lip and just try and forget it. Example 1- she wanted to go to bingo at this bar and see her “guy friend” who reads the numbers. She brought me along with her, but the whole time they were interacting it seemed like there was some sexual history or tension between them. He made some backdoor comments that seemed a little risqué. He also thought she was coming by herself to have a beer. I asked her about this and she claimed there was nothing ever between them nor would there ever be. Then she never brought him up or mentioned him again, we never went back there. She told me that she texted him and told him that me and her are now an item. And he’s popped up on her texts a few times since. Nothing incriminating but she’s still taking to him on and off. Example 2 - we were supposed to go to a party together next door, I had left something at my place, so I had to go back and get it. She said that she’d chill until I got back. On my way back she’s texts me saying l”actually just meet me there”. Another guy friend (different one) had texted her saying he was there and so she got ready and went without me. I met up with her there like 30 min later, but I thought it was rude she told me she’d wait and we’d go together and she kind of just did her own thing. This guy also acts bizarre around her, like there is something more to the story. They work around the corner from each other and have known each other years. Once again, I have no proof, they don’t actually touch each other or anything but there’s just that certain look. Perhaps I’m over analyzing. Example 3- We were driving in Philly and passed one of my band mates on the road walking, she rolled down the windows and yelled “hey cutie!” While I’m in the car. Just a bit bizzare. That one I just let go and didn’t bother her about it. Example 4 - she has a friend who is an older coworker she used to intern for who went to jail for stock fraud or something. She used to write letters to him back and forth when he was in there, prior to our relationship. He just got out of jail a few months ago and may plan to catch up for drinks with him and a gay friend. Edited October 2, 2019 by Grey40
Mrin Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 ^^^ honestly I don't think you're cut out to date an independent woman. I don't mean that in an insulting way. It is just that that type of behavior is an issue for you and it is normal for her. So you're a bad match. 2
Gaeta Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Your 4 examples are all based on a 'feeling' and not on concrete inappropriate actions. She sounds like a girl with a big social network, a bubbly girl that likes to get together with her friends. Is she much younger than you? I know you like dating younger women and often it means lots of male friends and they need more freedom. 1
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 Your 4 examples are all based on a 'feeling' and not on concrete inappropriate actions. She sounds like a girl with a big social network, a bubbly girl that likes to get together with her friends. Is she much younger than you? I know you like dating younger women and often it means lots of male friends and they need more freedom. She the same age were both 30. I guess I’m more used to women enjoying being a “couple” and she certainly doesn’t mind kind of being a free spirit so to speak. Doesn’t mean that she’s being unfaithful, but I guess it’s something I had a hard to time adjusting to. She’s also hypertensive to me being questionable and questioning her behavior because that’s all her ex did and she resented him for it
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 When you see her next week what have you planned that would make it fun for her? Have you been a good listener when you’ve been with her? Certainly she must favor a few things that are interesting... sports, museums or a favorite restaurant? We’ve done that, we haven’t just locked ourselves in her house. On the weekdays yeah for obvious reasons but on the weekends we’ve gone to the movies, went apple picking, go out to eat, she’ll watch me play gigs etc. so it’s not like we’re always at her house. But at the same time there’s no doubt I was there way too much.
Allupinnit Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 I'd move on if I were you. I've done this whole song and dance before. I know that you'll probably talk yourself into thinking that your sitch is different. We dated a few months and spent allllll of our time together, fell fast and hard. One day he wanted to cool things a bit and it simply turned into his jerking me around for a few months after that because the whole thing had simply burned out for him. She's waffling now but she knows you're still on the back burner when she's ready to pick up again. Don't be - I made that mistake and he eventually just got bored and stopped contacting me altogether. Honestly one of the most painful breakups I've ever experienced. 2
preraph Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 She's not ready for a live-in or to be a couple. And certainly not at her own place with you not having your own. This just isn't going to work, I'm afraid.
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 She's not ready for a live-in or to be a couple. And certainly not at her own place with you not having your own. This just isn't going to work, I'm afraid. She had no issues for 4 months until I started acting insecure and Unconfident. Once I did that is when is realized all of these other flaws about me. She was totally able to look past them before
Gaeta Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 She asked you for distance because she's hoping it will rekindle her attraction. At such an early stage, with the trust issues, and the smothering, your preference for a relationship in symbiosis, her preference for freedom, I doubt this has long term potential.
lurker74 Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 She had no issues for 4 months until I started acting insecure and Unconfident. Once I did that is when is realized all of these other flaws about me. She was totally able to look past them before Yep, that's it. She was attracted to your confidence and with the lack of it, she's not attracted. And she's surrounded by confident men (sounds like) so you are cast in stark contrast. Only one way to fix it and at this point it sounds like a bit of a long shot.
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 I’m her own words “there were lots of red flags I ignored because you were cute. Then I ignored them because you were good in bed. Then I ignored them because you really cared about me. Then I remembered that’s not a good thing 1
Gaeta Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 She had no issues for 4 months until I started acting insecure and Unconfident. Once I did that is when is realized all of these other flaws about me. She was totally able to look past them before Of course, at the beginning you were both thriving on newness, then the lack of trust got old, your constant presence got her suspicious and nervous. She is seeing the real you now, insecure, non confident with trust issues. At first we always give the person a chance, we wait and see if it's gonna pass. That's why it seems ok with her at first.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 I’m her own words “there were lots of red flags I ignored because you were cute. Then I ignored them because you were good in bed. Then I ignored them because you really cared about me. Then I remembered that’s not a good thing Of course, it's all fun, romance, and hot sex at first. Then reality comes barreling down the track like a big old freight train. 1
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