Grey40 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Been dating this girl for 4 months. It moved quick, she has her own place and I’ve been pretty much quasi living there for the last 1.5 months—coming over in the evening, sleeping over every night and being there all weekend too. She has said she doesn’t mind it at all in the past and likes spending time with me and having me be there. Randomly that changed yesterday. We went to a festival and took some pictures together, and I got a little mad that she posted the picture and left a caption on it on Facebook that kind of made it sound like she didn’t want to be there and was making a joke out of it. She said it was because it was funny. This prompted her to do a total 180 randomly. She told me that she’s been losing her life because I’m over constantly all the time and she hasn’t been able to do what she wants (her hobbies like read, yoga etc) and she feels pressure to constantly entertain me. She then goes on to say that she feels like I’m not as confident as I was when we first met and she wishes I could just be the cool guy she knew when we met because I’ve been questioning whether she’s really into this relationship or not (I know dumb move). All of this just blurred out in one day, so I guess it’s been stuff she’s been avoiding to tell me for weeks. She then said that she wants to cut back the days I see her during the week, so she can have a night or two to have a personal night to herself. I agreed that I was intruding too much and respected that decision. So last night I didn’t go over there and let her be alone. She texted saying “thank you for letting me have my time, it really makes a big difference”. I’m going over tonight but still feel like she’s acting differently. She’s not being as flirty, happy and enthused. And when she talked to me today rather than assuming I’m coming over like we planned she says “do you want to come over” which is never how she would used to phrase it. I’m just concerned in her sudden rapid change.
kendahke Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I would not go over for some time. You need to reclaim your life and fertilize what is interesting/attractive about you. You're in her space all the time and the mystery is unraveling. Give her the chance to miss you already. I’ve been pretty much quasi living there for the last 1.5 months—coming over in the evening, sleeping over every night and being there all weekend too. That's too much at 4 months. Does her landlord know she's basically got an additional new tenant on her rental agreement? You being there all the time can be construed as you living there in violation of tenancy requirements of her rental agreement and she could be evicted for that. Make yourself scarce.
Author Grey40 Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 I would not go over for some time. You need to reclaim your life and fertilize what is interesting/attractive about you. You're in her space all the time and the mystery is unraveling. Give her the chance to miss you already. That's too much at 4 months. Does her landlord know she's basically got an additional new tenant on her rental agreement? You being there all the time can be construed as you living there in violation of tenancy requirements of her rental agreement and she could be evicted for that. Make yourself scarce. She owns the place, it’s her house, no landlord. I agree it’s been too much and I need to back off. But going from seeing her everyday to just seeing her once a week would seem extreme. That’s gonna raise red flags on her end. I see what you’re saying though. There have been times I was gone for a weekend at the beginning of Sept, and times where I couldn’t come over on a weekday, so it hasn’t been every night but yeah I agree it’s been a lot. It’s been totally fine though this way for a while. She was the one always asking me when I’m coming every night.
kendahke Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 (edited) But going from seeing her everyday to just seeing her once a week would seem extreme. That’s gonna raise red flags on her end. She's already telling you you're in her space too much and she took a passive aggressive way of telling you instead of talking to you. No, I don't think red flags are going to raise on her end. If this was at the 6-10 month mark and you stayed home more than you do, perhaps, but this is only 4 months along--when the "on their best behavior" representatives are being dismissed and the "real you/real her" have come to the fore. The real her doesn't like the real you all up in her space all the time. Edited October 1, 2019 by kendahke 2
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 She was the one always asking me when I’m coming every night. You didn't have to say yes every day. I also think you need to retract for more than a day. We are Tuesday, if I were you I'd take the week to myself and go back on the weekend. Tell her you'll take the rest of the week to catch up on things and are looking forward to be together again on the weekend. It will not raise any red flag, she will appreciate it, and it's how she'll rebuild attraction. Then decide together what days you go over. Give each other a good 3 days apart every week. 1
Mrin Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 (edited) Okay a few thoughts: 1. Yea, it sounds like this has been building up over time. 2. Confidence - coming across as low confidence can smother a woman. Stop it. 3. Alone time - some people need more alone time than others. She may be an introvert and introverts need time alone to recharge their energy. You need to respect that. It can also be really jarring to a woman who has lived alone for a while to all of a sudden have insta-husband. Women (generalizing here) do an amazing job of sacrificing or morphing themselves to meet the needs of their partners often to the detriment to themselves. And occasionally that little voice in themselves that's not being (self) cared for erupts into a primal scream. You saw that the other day. 4. "Do you want to come over tonight?" - it was her way of inviting you over. If you think the invitation is genuine then accept it. If it is more of a "you don't want to come over tonight do you?" sort of thing, then don't accept it. 5. Give her some space and be really clear about it - Let he know when you're giving her some space and why you're doing it "hey, I'll come over tonight but I won't spend the night. I want to make sure you're getting the space you need. Your needs are important to me" rather than "hey, I'll come over tonight but I won't spend the night. I have a big day tomorrow and need to get up early". That will just confuse her. There is nothing wrong with telling her that you're respecting her needs. Now - one more thing - if she says, "actually, I'd like you to spend the night" or something like that, don't make her talk you into it. That's exhausting. If she says she wants to see you or for you to spend the night, then assuming you want to do it, then just agree. None of this "do you really want me to" BS. Accepting her at her word trains her, and you, to be really clear with what you say to each other and not do this song and dance BS of trying to read between the lines. Best of luck! Mrin Edited October 1, 2019 by Mrin 2
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Why is she not spending any time at your place? Bit tiresome for her having always to entertain you at her place. 3
smackie9 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I can sure see where she's coming from. You are exhibiting neediness, lack of confidence, acting like her being your whole world, and not having a life outside this arrangement. Time to find something else to do with your time, and go out on dates that doesn't involve hanging out at her place. Stop spending the night, sleep in your own bed, cut out a few weekends a month. Take the lead. If she asks if you are coming over...decline once in a while. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 If I were you I'd pull back to 1 or 2 weekend nights together. If she wants more, she can approach you about it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 2
preraph Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Yeah, she just took the opportunity of you going off about the photo caption (kind of silly, isn't it?) to let you know what's been bothering her. Still, doesn't have to be the end of the relationship, but it could be. It's easy to get too much of someone and not enough time to yourself. I'm one of those people. I can't relax when someone is in my house. Like her, I feel like I have to be "on." And that's fine and fun, but it can get to be too much. Yes, I do realize there are people who can go in a corner and read and ignore their company, but I'm not one of them and nor is she. So she is more independent and needs time to herself. If that is contrary to your needs, this may not work out, of course. And nothing wrong with you not being that way, of course. I guess all you can do is give her her space and see if it fizzles or levels out. Her comment about confidence, I guess only you know to what she's referring. That well may be the bigger problem. 1
crispytoast Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I agree that giving her more time to have her own space is imperative. Maybe even cool it on the texting a bit. Have faith that space does not equate to the relationship being over, only that it's changing. Stop needing validation because that is not helping you appear your confident self.
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 Damn you guys were right. I was just over her place and it was just awkward. She was acting really tired and sleepy and unenthused as expected. We talked for about an hour, I said I thought about everything she said and that moving forward seeing each other slightly less is best. She agreed and we both said we feel really weird still. Everything feels totally different, to me it feels really bad like the relationship is totally screwed. We said we loved each other and kissed a bit, she clearly didn’t want to have sex or anything. I told her that I’ll let her sleep tonight and I’ll give her some time and see her on Friday (were supposed to go to her friends bday party). She said ok, and I left. I’m worried she’s gonna give me the official boot now before that, I hope thyas not the case. 1
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Don't you have your own place you can invite her to? Why are you showing up at her place like a big kid needing attention? 2
lonelyplanetmoon Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Time to step back and do some courting related activities. Take her out to do things. Do active outdoor things. Take her to activities she or you will enjoy. You got too comfortable too quick.
schlumpy Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 This was big step back in your relationship. Don't know why but you are losing your shine. I would recommend not going over unless she invites you. Her explanations may be reasonable but I think you already sense she wants out. When her invitations to spend the night dwindle you'll know the end is near.
Mrin Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 I told her that I’ll let her sleep tonight and I’ll give her some time and see her on Friday (were supposed to go to her friends bday party). She said ok, and I left. I’m worried she’s gonna give me the official boot now before that, I hope thyas not the case. Perhaps. But let me tell you something - anything you do between now and then to "save it" will actually make it worse. Just give her distance. Be warm and caring on text or the phone and just see what happens. Don't try to do anything else 2
mortensorchid Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Ah, social media. Name one person who hasn't gotten into trouble because of something we posted on social media? Things get real weird, real fast. But I digress ... I would cut back on all the together time - only be there 2 nights a week. You have other things to do with your time hopefully, as does she. Apologize about the blow up and it will be okay in the long run. Maybe she feels like you're all over her and she needs a bit of space.
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 She sent me a text right after I left, and said this isn’t working and she can’t do it anymore. So that’s it officially. I knew it deep down which is why I posted on here I guess. She’s been texting since breaking up with me saying that “maybe we can revisit this in a few months” and “what if this is just a break we can revisit? Is that crazy?” Should I respond or just go No Contact? 1
newyorker11356 Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 She sent me a text right after I left, and said this isn’t working and she can’t do it anymore. So that’s it officially. I knew it deep down which is why I posted on here I guess. She’s been texting since breaking up with me saying that “maybe we can revisit this in a few months” and “what if this is just a break we can revisit? Is that crazy?” Should I respond or just go No Contact? Honestly, it doesn't seem like either of you are compatible. Her texting that stuff post-breakup is just messing with your head now.
Poutrew Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 She sent me a text right after I left, and said this isn’t working and she can’t do it anymore. So that’s it officially. I knew it deep down which is why I posted on here I guess. She’s been texting since breaking up with me saying that “maybe we can revisit this in a few months” and “what if this is just a break we can revisit? Is that crazy?” Should I respond or just go No Contact? Yeah... I could see that one coming a mile off. Sorry, for what it's worth. Use what you have learned from this episode so you don't make the same mistakes. The main problem as I see it is that your were too attached to her, too quickly. The term is 'wet blanket'. Next time play hard to get. Don't be too available. Make her think you don't really need her. You have a life independent from hers and you want to keep it that way. Remember, the opposite of neediness is independence... Now, time for new adventures...
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 Update: So last night she asked if we could take a few months break and revisit it. I did not respond at all. This morning she sends me some texts and we have a conversation: Her: I'm not sure if I made the right decision Me: So what are you saying? Her: I'm not sure. I wonder if we can totally start over in a slowed down way. Me: What do you mean? Her: Not spending everyday together, no sleepovers for a while, just like how things typically unfold. Me: No Sleepovers at all? Her: Not at first. I have my own insecurities and you really brought them out. **Side Note(Keep in mind, she is fairly well off because of inheriting money). Her: I am always afraid that people are dating me for the wrong reasons because I'm independent and have money and convenient for them, and they're just using me. Me: I could see how you could feel that way, especially with how often I've been over there, and I don't have my own private place. I was dating you because I do really love and care about you. I could have slowed things down, so I'm partly to blame. Her: Me too. I could have slowed down the pace as well but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I'm also unsure if I can trust you to be able to trust me with the way you've been acting. You admitted you haven't been trusting me, and it worries me you never will. Me: I understand. It's something though I know can be overcome. Her: Ok. So lets like pick this up next week. Stuff is really busy at work and I need to get to the office ASAP this morning, don't have a lot of bandwidth left to do stuff from home. You're really cute and I know you really care about me but I need to believe its for the right reasons and not because I'm capable of taking care of you and making your life easy. Me: Alright sounds good. Her: We can still text until then 1
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 You both moved too fast. At 1.5 months in you should not have been doing daily sleepovers. It's smothering. In the beginning you want to spend all your time together. While the fairy tale romance part is great too much togetherness doesn't leave any time for life even the boring parts like laundry, grocery shopping, or the friends & down time. It's smothering. She reacted to that because it's been an issue for her for a while. She is not one to know her own mind & the inherited money makes her a bit paranoid. At present do nothing. Seriously. Don't call. Don't text. Sit on your hands. Next week, send her flowers. She needs to see that you are not using her for her money & she needs to feel cherished. Cherished is not smothered & it doesn't take up all her time. A small bouquet with a sweet note will serve you well. The week after that . . the week of Oct. 14 you can call her & ask for 1 date the following Saturday. After the date drop her off, kiss her good night & leave. Don't linger. Don't go in. Curl her toes & go. 2
Author Grey40 Posted October 2, 2019 Author Posted October 2, 2019 (edited) You both moved too fast. At 1.5 months in you should not have been doing daily sleepovers. It's smothering. In the beginning you want to spend all your time together. While the fairy tale romance part is great too much togetherness doesn't leave any time for life even the boring parts like laundry, grocery shopping, or the friends & down time. It's smothering. She reacted to that because it's been an issue for her for a while. She is not one to know her own mind & the inherited money makes her a bit paranoid. At present do nothing. Seriously. Don't call. Don't text. Sit on your hands. Next week, send her flowers. She needs to see that you are not using her for her money & she needs to feel cherished. Cherished is not smothered & it doesn't take up all her time. A small bouquet with a sweet note will serve you well. The week after that . . the week of Oct. 14 you can call her & ask for 1 date the following Saturday. After the date drop her off, kiss her good night & leave. Don't linger. Don't go in. Curl her toes & go. Doesn't that seem a bit long? I'm really not sure I want to go from where we were to acting like we just met and I have to treat her like a first date. It really seems like a lot of work. I was hoping with just some space she'll miss me enough to where she'll want it to be a little faster than what you're suggesting. I honestly feel like a good 7 days of no contacting or hanging out might be the medicine the doctor ordered. What do I do if she texts me and reaches out? Ignore her? Btw, she has already took down our relationship status on social media and our pictures together ( there were only a handful). Edited October 2, 2019 by Grey40
d0nnivain Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 Social media is BS. Don't fret about that. You will not be NC. In this context that would be playing games giving the silent treatment. Ignorng her for too long will reaffirm her greatest fear, that you were using her. Today is Wednesday. I told you to give her flowers on Monday. That is 5 days not 7. Yes this is a lot of work. That is the whole problem. You stopped doing the work & she concluded that you didn't care & were using her. If you don't want to put in the effort, that is up to you but you won't get the girl. 2
Maddie82 Posted October 2, 2019 Posted October 2, 2019 She sent me a text right after I left, and said this isn’t working and she can’t do it anymore. She’s been texting since breaking up with me saying that “maybe we can revisit this in a few months” and “what if this is just a break we can revisit? Is that crazy?” Should I respond or just go No Contact? She doesn't know what she wants. She felt overwhelmed by you. I suggest that you just leave it be now. Go no contact. Don't send her flowers or love notes. It'll overwhelm and confuse her even more.
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