yesilikebread Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 I've been chatting with this gentleman (10 years older than me) for about two weeks at this point and now he wants to come visit me in my city. He is saying that he always wanted to see the country I'm living in anyway and if I change my mind about meeting him that's ok. Well, is this too rushed? He hasn't booked any flight tickets or anything, however I just feel like it's going a little bit too fast since we have never met!! He will be flying from his country of residence to mine which is about 2 hours. Finally, I find him attractive and I'd love to meet him but is it a red flag being this forward on his part?
Rayce Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Better to know up front who the guy is rather than invest a lot of time only to find out you have been catfished down the road. In my own personal experience people rarely come across the same in real life as they do online. Meeting in person will either help or finalize the relationship. I say just go for it. You only have to agree to meet him and nothing more. I wish you luck.
kendahke Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 If you want an electronic pen pal, then speak up and say so... but most people are going to want to meet you--and it's better to meet sooner so you're not building and investing in an artificial construct around who you wished they were instead of a real construct based upon who he actually is. I personally don't think he's moving too fast. He's older than you and knows his mind and follows it... if that scares you, then perhaps you should stick to younger men. 1
preraph Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 It is early and a bit of a red flag, so you need to control the meeting entirely. Do NOT get in a car together with him, yours or his. Be up front with him and tell him that like most women, you have to be very careful and that you will ONLY meet him somewhere very public, a restaurant or coffee house. Not on the street, not in the park, not in a hotel. Too easy to drug you and drag you off. So be very careful. If you can think of a bustling restaurant that hires off-duty police that are on site, so much the better. There's so much trafficking going on these days that you do have to be careful. And bring your own car, but don't let him in it. Or have your own transport. But if you have to take public transport, be certain he is not following you home. You want to have your own car if possible because like others said, they're never quite what you expected and you may just want to bail. Be up front with him that you are only committing to a short first meeting. If he understands the perils for women, he should respect that. That way, if it's awkward, you can just say, Well, I'm glad I finally met you and I hope you enjoy the city, but I know this is not the right match for me. And leave. The other thing is he is almost certainly going to feel entitled to sex after spending money and making the trip, so before he even makes plans, you should tell him, Even if we should hit it off, I would not be having sex with you anytime soon. Because that will likely make him not come. But if you think you might, then take all the precautions. If you have a roommate, it would be better to be with him at your house than alone with him in a hotel in case he is up to anything. You just don't know. I'm suspicious anyway, but my first thought on someone who is willing to travel to meet you after this short a time at a great expense is that there's something off with him, whether it's that he has a hard time attracting women or he's up to something. And always remember if he acts too good to be true, he's up to something.... 1
MsJayne Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 I'd want to have face-time with him a few times to make sure he's the same person as any photo's I'd seen. Given the magnitude of cat-fishing and scamming incidents through date sites I'd take every precaution. I'd run his photo' through Google photo search, and another one called TinEye, and do searches for his name on scam-watch sites. Also, be careful of giving him information about yourself, birth date, home address, your workplace, pet names, etc. Scammers probe for info which might relate to passwords or ID. I agree with you that two weeks is a very short time and wanting to fly to another country, no matter how close, kind of suggests an element of desperation, or worse. If he's telling you he's well off be particularly careful, as that's a common hook used by scammers, as is telling a hard-luck story to gain your sympathy. I hope he turns out to be a nice guy who just wants to meet you. Best of luck 1
alphamale Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 you should tell him you want to wait for 2 months before meeting IRL and see what he does/says. my guess is you won't hear from him again. plus, flying 2 hours to meet a stranger is a little odd wouldn't you say?
preraph Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Whatever you do, do NOT agree to "showing him the town" or anything other than that first meeting, and hope that he makes his trip short because he gets no commitment from you. If he has money to burn and you two hit it off, he'll be back. If he's spending money he shouldn't have hoping to get laid,it's a fair warning to him you're not an instant girlfriend/instant sex. 1
Author yesilikebread Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Thank you for the replies. I obviously had a feeling it was too fast for a reason and the advice I've got is just confirmation. I've found him on social media and done some investigating, but obviously it's a very shallow side of ones life that doesn't equate to him being a good person. I would never let him stay with me since he is a stranger. He said that he will find accommodation by himself and states that he wants to visit my city anyway. He also said today that he will look for a flight so we can discover the city together. Haha. Why am I laughing. Like stated it is a little bit desperate to fly and see me after such a short period of time. It's not like I've offered to meet him at the airport in a playboy bunny suit, and even then it would be a little desperate in my opinion. I don't think he is interested in me per se. I think he is more interested in the fantasy of me, which he has made up in his mind. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Thank you for the replies. I obviously had a feeling it was too fast for a reason and the advice I've got is just confirmation. I've found him on social media and done some investigating, but obviously it's a very shallow side of ones life that doesn't equate to him being a good person. I would never let him stay with me since he is a stranger. He said that he will find accommodation by himself and states that he wants to visit my city anyway. He also said today that he will look for a flight so we can discover the city together. Haha. Why am I laughing. Like stated it is a little bit desperate to fly and see me after such a short period of time. It's not like I've offered to meet him at the airport in a playboy bunny suit, and even then it would be a little desperate in my opinion. I don't think he is interested in me per se. I think he is more interested in the fantasy of me, which he has made up in his mind. I would say pass on this type of relationship. A long distance is hard enough when well established, much less an online meeting. No I don't think its crazy to fly to meet someone, as I did that. This was after months of talking though and many video chats. He wasn't a monster, but he was a complete waste of time. If you really want to meet him, keep talking to him while keeping your options local.
basil67 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Of course, one person's "desperation" could be another person's "spontaneity". I think that spontaneity is fun, so I don't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing. It sure beats being a pen pal.
carhill Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Sounds pretty normal to me, just like any other dating contact. Only way to gauge true interest and attraction and chemistry is to meet in person. I did similar back in the mid 90's, e-mailed back and forth for a couple weeks then set up a flight itnerary, apartment, interpreter and driver. Headed out the day before New Year's Eve. Big mistake. Monster snow storm in Chicago. Ended up flying an empty 767 to Warsaw and on into Ukraine. Met a few ladies, one in Odessa caught my eye, I'd been writing to her without a picture of her but she scanned one right before I left. Almost married her. We had a number of good times together. Back then the ladies called men who liked to write letters/e-mails 'letter/e-mail romeos' because they'd never travel or wait forever. If the lady liked the guy she wanted to meet him, well, now. If she fancied two guys the one who showed up got preference. His nickel, his choice, he can stay at his own place. Two hour plane ride is like over before it starts. Wouldn't give it a second thought.
jjb117 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I'm personally getting "RED FLAG" vibes. Like this isn't normal behavior? Is he insanely rich? Because otherwise that's a lot of money to spend for a date. And who knows, maybe you guys won't vibe each other. He says it's okay but anyone would be a little bummed out if they flew out to a place and had to go home alone. Trust your gut. You obviously know this is insane!! What's the harm in getting to know him first? Because he'll leave your life? Listen, all you like about him is his looks. You barely know the guy. He isn't that special. And if he drops you like a hat, then there you go. You just saw how much he really cared about you. But I repeat. Do not agree to this. Not now.
Logo Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Airfare in places like Europe can be as low as $50 between two countries. It's better to meet now than wait a few more weeks or months. What would be the point? To gauge his writing abilities? Most importantly, what do you have to lose? He's coming to you. You can meet him and public. 1
carhill Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 You can meet him and public. Yup, easy and safe. In my story, the lady mentioned picked me up at the train station in Odessa. Well actually my driver picked her up and she met me there. That was back when few folks had cars, even doctors like her. Still, very safe. My driver was a big strapping military guy and no way would I take advantage of a lady around him even if I was so inclined. As long as OP keeps it public and no staying at her place it should go fine. See if anything is there, get to know. The lady in my story and I went on a couple dates before I ever saw her apartment and then it was a Georgian New Year party with her daughter and her friends. The guys fed me lots of vodka to test my Russian genes. We didn't spend private time alone at my place or hers for a couple weeks and that was seeing each other nearly every day after she got off work after the holiday. If OP goes in not believing the guy or being suspicious, that can color the interaction negatively. IMO be open to the possibilities as well as prioritizing personal safety. Use common sense which applies to any stranger dating situation. My bet is it'll go fine. Attraction, who knows....
Twizzlestick Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 (edited) OP I’m not necessarily getting a red flag but it’s worth paying heed to I suppose. I can give you my example. I’m not blowing my own trumpet but unlike has been inferred above with gents willing to travel - I’m not bad at attracting girls - I work with lots of them a lot younger than myself at an airline and interest is not a problem, but I’m very picky, a bit older and know what I want. I’ve travelled to see a lass for a date. Granted I didn’t fly - I drove 2 hours 15. The reason for me is I’m open to moving so don’t see the need to strap myself down to my locale arbitrarily. I’m also late 30s, know what I want and willing to make the effort if I think someone is potential. But then I work internationally and I’ve seen what’s worked for me in the past is thinking outside the box. My horizons and world outlook are a bit more expansive. Some folk granted think inside the box and won’t date outside the local set of traffic lights. What ever works, it’s all personal and it’s all choices. He could be a red flag guy. I’d also take slight issue, someone above said “almost certainly going to feel entitled to sex after making the trip”. As a guy statements like this do jar a little, in the same way women don’t like it when men make broad statements about women, but buried in the sweeping statement lies historic accounts worth being mindful of and it only jars because I’m not like that myself, but there are a lot who are. I made a trip and didn’t feel entitled to sex. Granted there’s a lot of bad eggs who would, but that gambit of men don’t necessarily speak for every single one of us but worth being mindful of. Be balanced, play it safe -plan for the worst, hope for the best. If you go ahead. Secure a public location. Try and stay talking on the app, rather than taking the convo away for, the app to the phone. That seems to be latest advice I saw on a tv program about avoiding dodgy people on apps. When you get a location let friends know when and where you’re meeting. Let that be the date and don’t go with him to any hotels etc. Don’t go schlepping around bars getting drunk for example. It’s just a meeting. Let him know you’re happy to meet but for a drink in daytime etc. It’s up to him then if he wants to make the trip. Sounds paranoid but it’s the best way when meeting essentially a stranger. Edited October 1, 2019 by Twizzlestick
Maggiemay1 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 On tinder your search is generally limited within x distance of your location. You clearly swiped right on someone well outside that! I’m not even sure why he appeared in your search! Chances are that he IS in close proximity yet pretending not that be? What does the distance apart say when you look at his profile? And why have you not narrowed your search to within reasonable dating distance??
Twizzlestick Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 On tinder your search is generally limited within x distance of your location. You clearly swiped right on someone well outside that! I’m not even sure why he appeared in your search! Chances are that he IS in close proximity yet pretending not that be? What does the distance apart say when you look at his profile? And why have you not narrowed your search to within reasonable dating distance?? With tinder Gold you can parachute your location somewhere else. For instance set your location as “fishtown” when you live in “dogtown”. You’ll still show the true miles apart, but you will appear to people who live in Fishtown and have set their radius tight. Two points I’ve noticed, it’s not necessarily nefarious this feature. For instance if you work away, you want to arrange dates with girls back home, not where you are working in timbucktoo. Also in my case, you are moving somewhere. The other thing I’ve noticed is I’ve had more than one match exclaim “oh but you’re miles away!” This is erksome, as you suggest people swiping is their choice. The true distance apart is clearly shown, it’s just these folk don’t bother to read and then seem to blame you as if you did their swiping for them. The other thing that doesn’t seem to occur to girls I’ve swiped on is your distance apart isn’t where you necessarily live. It’s like no one ever travels for work in their minds. I’ve had more than one girl blurt out “on you’re 200 miles away, I don’t do long distance” and I’ve had to then explain the obvious that I’m not necessarily “at home” People just lack imagination. You’re up against it on tinder with common sense I’ve found
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Too many it seems get caught up in the "romance" and "glamour" of speaking to people from far away. Long distance relationships do not usually work and it all becomes a waste of time and money. Find a guy who you can meet in your local Starbucks with no pressure, maybe not so exciting, but at the end of the day, Joe Bloggs is Joe Bloggs no matter where he comes from... Here he is an older guy chancing his luck with a younger women... a younger woman who in his own country would give him a pass... that is if he is even real or genuine Be careful. 1
salparadise Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Why am I laughing. Like stated it is a little bit desperate to fly and see me after such a short period of time. I don't think he is interested in me per se. I think he is more interested in the fantasy of me, which he has made up in his mind. Honestly, I don't understand why you're so reticent. Two weeks isn't such a short period of time. I'd never continue messaging more than two weeks with anyone who didn't think meeting was a good idea. This is why you're in the game, is it not? He's not asking for any commitment beyond the first meeting, and since he's the one traveling it's zero cost or risk to you. His expectation is reasonable. Not interested in you per se; more the fantasy of you? Of course it's fantasy, or you could call it possibility, until you meet in person. Do you really believe that he could be, or should be, serious without even having met? Your logic is flawed... on the one hand you call him desperate, and on the other you discount his intention based on the belief that he's not actually serious. What are YOU afraid of? If anything, I think the problem here is that you are too reticent, and don't have the confidence to explore this possibility with grace. You're comfortable talking from a distance where he has no chance of getting inside your hula hoop, but the second he offers to take you out on a date you start squirming in your seat and looking for ways to turn your reticence into issues with him. Just roll with it; believe that you're worthy of a good guy going out of his way to take you out. You'll either hit it off or not. If not, you at least got an ego boost. If so, then... well, you'll have to actually deal with the worthiness issues won't you? 1
Maggiemay1 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 (edited) With tinder Gold you can parachute your location somewhere else. For instance set your location as “fishtown” when you live in “dogtown”. You’ll still show the true miles apart, but you will appear to people who live in Fishtown and have set their radius tight. Thank you for the clarification!! When I was on tinder there was no tinder gold lol I was however very observant yet not accusatory. My assumption with a significant distance change was in fact because of travel for whatever reason , be it work, pleasure. The OP, however is a current user and I assume aware of tinder gold. So in this case he could have planned work travel to her home town , tinder gold and setting himself up for a hook up? But under the pretence that he is going there in the hope of meeting her , right?? In his mind , he thinks she will be blown away by the gesture, effort and money spent to “see her” ,she will return his effort with sex? Because he must really really like her? Right? Edited October 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited 1
Twizzlestick Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Hi Maggie Oh no I didn’t think you were being accusatory. My points of notice were my own mind wandering as it reminded me of things that have erked me on the topic of the setting your location thing. What you say, those questions. Totally and 100 percent. I didn’t expand on it in my first post to OP but it’s that exact reason I said there’s reason to be mindful. What you say could be very true indeed and I’d say not uncommon. So if I were OP I’d be making it flipping damn clear she was meeting for a daytime, public space meeting only and absolutely stick to her lines in the sand. Ultimately if he is genuine he won’t mind this as let’s be honest, if he plans on seeing this girl he’d be paying for more airfares anyway.
Maddie82 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 It's not a red flag for a Tinder date to want to meet, especially after talking for a while. The next stage is to meet. I don't see any red flags yet but the distance thing would be an issue for me.
Maggiemay1 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Hi Maggie Oh no I didn’t think you were being accusatory. What you say, those questions. Totally and 100 percent. I didn’t expand on it in my first post to OP but it’s that exact reason I said there’s reason to be mindful. What you say could be very true indeed and I’d say not uncommon. So if I were OP I’d be making it flipping damn clear she was meeting for a daytime, public space meeting only and absolutely stick to her lines in the sand. Ultimately if he is genuine he won’t mind this as let’s be honest, if he plans on seeing this girl he’d be paying for more airfares anyway. Oh I wasn’t suggesting you said I was accusatory. I just find it odd that some people are without doing any ground work? Something simple like saying oh I just noticed you are x miles away. Work or pleasure? Instead of , you said you lived x miles away. Wtf ? You get me! And I absolutely agree with you!!! If she is of the understanding that he is happy to meet her and ok if she doesn’t because he is happy to travel regardless , then he won’t have any expectation from her to be a tour guide and will be very ok with a quick coffee! It’s his risk. But what the op also needs to consider is the what next? Assuming they hit off and he is genuine, why him and not someone local? Why even bother meet him? If she is looking for a one night wonder , then sure! If she is looking for more, then she is wasting her time! 1
Author yesilikebread Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 (edited) Honestly, I don't understand why you're so reticent. Two weeks isn't such a short period of time. I'd never continue messaging more than two weeks with anyone who didn't think meeting was a good idea. This is why you're in the game, is it not? He's not asking for any commitment beyond the first meeting, and since he's the one traveling it's zero cost or risk to you. His expectation is reasonable. I don't think reticent is the right word. I barely know this man and he barely knows me apart from the basic things we have talked about. And by talking via the app, we haven't messaged each other every day either. Sure, you can argue that it's better to meet in person to see if there's attraction or chemistry, I agree with that. This just feels too rushed for me. If he lived in my area it would be a different story, I would meet him sooner rather than later. Of course I know I'm worthy of a good guy, that is not the issue here. I have just relocated to this city and I have a lot of things on my mind. Sure, he can come visit in the future, but not now. Edited October 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Art_Critic Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 plus, flying 2 hours to meet a stranger is a little odd wouldn't you say? Yeah.. I agree.. and sex WILL be on the table from his point of view.. no matter what he tells you. Any guy who would fly from one country to another after only meeting online for 2 weeks is going to want more than to just meet you... 3
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