CarbonCopy Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 This week will be 3 weeks that I've been seeing this guy I met on Bumble. We've spent the last 3 weekends together. This past Saturday we didn't have any set plans and instead I went food shopping with him and ran some errands. It felt very normal and couplely? This is not normal for me. I've had bad online dating experiences in the past with guys flaking and ghosting, disappearing, etc. He's not like that (so far at least). His reliability is one of the qualities I like most about him -- when he says something or makes a plan, he sticks to it. His word actually means something. On dinner Saturday he actually brought up if I get to the point where I no longer want to do this, to please let him know, let's discuss like adults. It was refreshing to hear that. It's a little scary -- I hate the unknown -- but so far so good. But how do I keep my nerves at bay? I haven't had dating progress this well in a LONG time. I don't want to self-destruct.
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 I am sorry to say this but you keep your nerves at bay by NOT spending 3 weekends with a man you've been dating 3 weeks only! You've invested all of your time, energy, and affection on this man you don't know! He may be another flake, another abuser, another player, you just simply don't know and it takes more than 3 weeks to discover if a man is genuine or not.. At this point all you can do is cross your fingers and hope for the best. 1
Twizzlestick Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 I’ll put a twizzlestick twist on this. Stay calm, not because he might be a “flake” or any other pejorative term. Rather unfashionably it seems on here, people can change their mind when they get to know someone and don’t necessarily deserve the vitriol. To infer otherwise would suggest a man is hocked in contract to any girl who decides she’s keen the min he starts dating a girl, lest his character be dragged to the swamps as a ne’re-do-well if he changes his mind, god forbid after more than one date. Basically. keep calm and dial back because you are supposed to be both getting to know each other. You don’t want the attraction in its infancy to go “whommpf” and gone because you come on early doors. Fast reles burn bright like a torch but burn out fast. That’s my experience. I’ve had this with two girls dating, one I’m yet due to go on the FIRST date with. It’s constant multiple texts a day and phone calls. It feels like I’ve been fitted up for the job before the interview process. It’s turning me off and makes me feel a little corralled. It’s like one person has decided they like the idea so they’re steering the progress fast. I also feel like backing out early when this happens because of comments like you see on here - where after 3 dates you decide it’s not for you as a man you get labelled a “waste of time/flake(insert pejorative term), rather than a human who is perfectly in their right to make a decision that’s right for them based on time spent with another person. Granted I won’t date someone who’s not keen. But there is a middle ground, I know because I remember it. 1
Author CarbonCopy Posted September 30, 2019 Author Posted September 30, 2019 I’ll put a twizzlestick twist on this. Stay calm, not because he might be a “flake” or any other pejorative term. Rather unfashionably it seems on here, people can change their mind when they get to know someone and don’t necessarily deserve the vitriol. To infer otherwise would suggest a man is hocked in contract to any girl who decides she’s keen the min he starts dating a girl, lest his character be dragged to the swamps as a ne’re-do-well if he changes his mind, god forbid after more than one date. Basically. keep calm and dial back because you are supposed to be both getting to know each other. You don’t want the attraction in its infancy to go “whommpf” and gone because you come on early doors. Fast reles burn bright like a torch but burn out fast. That’s my experience. I’ve had this with two girls dating, one I’m yet due to go on the FIRST date with. It’s constant multiple texts a day and phone calls. It feels like I’ve been fitted up for the job before the interview process. It’s turning me off and makes me feel a little corralled. It’s like one person has decided they like the idea so they’re steering the progress fast. I also feel like backing out early when this happens because of comments like you see on here - where after 3 dates you decide it’s not for you as a man you get labelled a “waste of time/flake(insert pejorative term), rather than a human who is perfectly in their right to make a decision that’s right for them based on time spent with another person. Granted I won’t date someone who’s not keen. But there is a middle ground, I know because I remember it. I understand what you're saying. And to be clear, it's been mostly him. I even asked him if he was OK with this pace or if we were going too fast and he said no, as long as it's mutual. So I'm certainly not pushing him to see me so much - although I can't deny I enjoy spending time with him a lot. We don't text much during the week so it's not like we're chatting endlessly. It seems now that it's settling to be a two times per week thing (Friday and Saturday), which I'm good with!
Lotsgoingon Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 And just because someone is interested in us ... and doesn't flake ... doesn't mean we should be interested in them. I just hear you expressing delight that this guy hasn't flaked. I haven't heard you say how much you like him. Don't lose sight of that--you want to like the other person ... not just hang with them because they like us. It's go to be both ways. Three consecutive weekends is, as earlier said, really not sharp or mature. Give yourself time to come together. Intense pairing off like that often just explodes. 1
kendahke Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Live in the present, not in the future. 1
Author CarbonCopy Posted September 30, 2019 Author Posted September 30, 2019 And just because someone is interested in us ... and doesn't flake ... doesn't mean we should be interested in them. I just hear you expressing delight that this guy hasn't flaked. I haven't heard you say how much you like him. Don't lose sight of that--you want to like the other person ... not just hang with them because they like us. It's go to be both ways. Three consecutive weekends is, as earlier said, really not sharp or mature. Give yourself time to come together. Intense pairing off like that often just explodes. I like him A LOT. I find him utterly fascinating and I am attracted to him both mentally and physically. It's a bonus that he's been a very reliable person so far, but that's not why I'm spending time with him. I enjoy his company, I feel comfortable around him, and so far I feel we're compatible.
jjb117 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Truth is, there's no cure. Because it all comes down to you. I guess the best way to mediate this is to take things slow on your end. Maybe don't talk everyday. Maybe don't jump into a relationship right away. But most importantly, express these feelings with him. Any great relationship requires communication. And if he's understanding, he'll stick through it. And if he does, then you got yourself a keeper. You have to accept that it's okay to be alone. And if things don't work out between two people, you will be alright. Obviously this is easier said than done, but at a certain point you must accept this. You do not want to be codependent to your partner in finding happiness. And lastly, you have to realize not every guy is the same. This person that you are speaking with now is NOT a reflection of the men you have spoken to in the past. You must let this go because he, at this point, has done no wrong.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 This week will be 3 weeks that I've been seeing this guy I met on Bumble. We've spent the last 3 weekends together. This past Saturday we didn't have any set plans and instead I went food shopping with him and ran some errands. It felt very normal and couplely? This is not normal for me. I've had bad online dating experiences in the past with guys flaking and ghosting, disappearing, etc. He's not like that (so far at least). His reliability is one of the qualities I like most about him -- when he says something or makes a plan, he sticks to it. His word actually means something. On dinner Saturday he actually brought up if I get to the point where I no longer want to do this, to please let him know, let's discuss like adults. It was refreshing to hear that. It's a little scary -- I hate the unknown -- but so far so good. But how do I keep my nerves at bay? I haven't had dating progress this well in a LONG time. I don't want to self-destruct. It sounds to me like you just need a space to express your excitement about this new relationship and we are your sounding boards. I think this should be a sufficient way to keep your anxiety at bay .
Maggiemay1 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 And to be clear, it's been mostly him. I even asked him if he was OK with this pace or if we were going too fast and he said no, as long as it's mutual. So I'm certainly not pushing him to see me so much - although I can't deny I enjoy spending time with him a lot. We don't text much during the week so it's not like we're chatting endlessly. It seems now that it's settling to be a two times per week thing (Friday and Saturday), which I'm good with! Until 3 weeks ago what did you do on Friday and Saturday’s? It is irrelevant who sets the pace and who accepts the pace. What’s important is that you are not giving up on other social engagements, hobbies, friends , family etc to make time for someone you have only just met and yet to get to know? You should be fitting each other in around your regular schedules . And perhaps he is? Perhaps his social engagements are Thursday’s and Sunday’s? Tell me more?
Author CarbonCopy Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Until 3 weeks ago what did you do on Friday and Saturday’s? It is irrelevant who sets the pace and who accepts the pace. What’s important is that you are not giving up on other social engagements, hobbies, friends , family etc to make time for someone you have only just met and yet to get to know? You should be fitting each other in around your regular schedules . And perhaps he is? Perhaps his social engagements are Thursday’s and Sunday’s? Tell me more? I'm not the type of person that goes out every weekend. Some Fridays and Saturdays I was out, sometimes I was home, sometimes I was just running errands. He knows perfectly well I have a social life. I was actually supposed to hang out with my best friend last Saturday but she rescheduled because she was sick so I spent the day with him instead. And then Sunday I had plans with my sister. We have seen each other on Thursdays but he felt bad keeping me out late when I had work the next day. So we decided Friday nights and Saturdays are good. Trust me, if I have plans with other people I'm not going to cancel them just for him.
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