If you made a conscious choice to be a parent, why did you?

[Mr. Lucky]

It seems so unfair that the parents are the ones who have the most work with those kids, and bear the most expenses, but they get the worst deal out of it.

 

I feel the same way you do. For me, even 5% of sacrifices people make for children wouldn't have been worth it. At work, parents with young kids often fall asleep during meetings. They always look strained and and like they are about to drop dead from exhaustion. I never see them look happy, unless they are posing for one of those FB family photos.

 

I could cast the same doubts on every relationship we have as members of society. Much of our cultural history, whether art, music, literature or film, is about the pain and disappointment of romantic love. People also complain and struggle with their boss, coworkers, neighbors, family members, etc.

 

If your focus is solely on avoiding the downside, you'd live by yourself on an island somewhere, physically or metaphorically. Parenthood is definitely exposing yourself to emotional risk and turmoil, but the rewards ultimately outweigh the sacrifices.

 

It's also something you simply don't understand until - or unless - you experience it for yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Artdeco]

I totally get it, mr lucky. You just don’t know what you’re missing until you do it.

Good or bad.

 

I think the main reason why I’ve always shied away from being a parent, was the added responsibility which I wasn’t willing and brave enough to assume. And then there are several other reasons, like I said the money and the loss of freedom. Amongst other things. But yes, I do like being an aunt and a family friend whom (most) kids apparently are comfortable with. Because I really like kids. They’re all great little people deep down. It’s just hard to watch how some of my friends are actually really suffering because the kid is in puberty or they only get snarky remarks from them and they don’t take advice from the parents, and the list goes on.....

[Els]

Parenthood is definitely exposing yourself to emotional risk and turmoil, but the rewards ultimately outweigh the sacrifices.

 

 

This is not true in all cases though - for some people it is true, of course, but not all. You don't hear this much IRL due to the social stigma involved, but there are LOTS of people out there who regret having had children or who would have chosen otherwise if they could do it over. They just usually keep it to themselves and vent on internet messaging boards or to internet friends (I've had a few who confided this in me). Moreso mothers than fathers - because mothers typically make more sacrifices. They are decent people and try their best to be a good parent anyway because you can't exactly turn back time, but they do regret it.

[Els]

Right now my daughter and her husband owe me some money. They both have good paying jobs. I have been out of work for almost a year and have zero income. I only loaned them the money because it was a family emergency. They promised to pay me with the very next pay check. Well that didn't happen. Instead they went out partying and posted a bunch of pictures. I got upset... I need that money so I said something. Their response was to just cut me out of their life

 

 

Sorry to hear this. If it helps, you're not alone in this. I've seen a few cases of it happening too, to parents who were good and loving and who sacrificed a lot to bring the kids up. I think there is a hefty roll of luck involved - you can do everything you can to try and influence them, but after a certain age their friends and their chosen environment will influence them more than you possibly can. It can turn out well for some people, but it can turn out very badly for someone else who brought their kids up with the exact same love and care.

[amaysngrace]

So true elswyth. That’s why sometimes you hear the words “there’s one in every family” because parents can raise all their kids the same exact way and instill all the same values but one may go down a bad path.

[mark clemson]

One of the things that bother me is that all the children I know through family and friends seem to really not appreciate and value their parents very much. I don’t think this is very specific to my circle, it seems to be a general thing.

 

E.g. my 2 Goddaughters roll their eyes at their mothers a lot (one is 12 and the other one is 15).

 

I think it's important to instill a sense of polite respect in one's kids from an early age. They are with you all the time, so see the flaws and will know "you're only human". I don't tolerate disrespectful behavior, although I try to be careful to listen and make sure that I'm being reasonable. If there's an issue to be discussed, it can be done respectfully.

 

 

I see parents who's kids are out of control and they stand there and look at them as if their hands are tied. They aren't. Take away the phone, take away computer time, music etc. It's not a "harsh" punishment, but it's effective and kids pick up on it fast. As a parent you need to set some reasonable rules for them to follow in life.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Artdeco, I felt almost exactly like you expressed in your opening post of this thread.

 

Then, after I'd been married a few years I found I was expecting a child.

 

To be brief, yes, being a parent is tough. But the rewards of being a mom to my children, now grown with children of their own, have far, FAR, outweighed the difficulties.

 

For me, there are no words to express the happiness, joy, depth, and support, my children and grandchildren add to my life.

 

I just deleted a lengthy boastful narrative about my children and why they're such a joy to me just because it was way too much bragging about things I'm so pleased about in their lives!

 

Believe me when I say that having children is way worth it! By far, besides my relationship with Jesus Christ, the most wonderful thing in my life! And I have a happy life with great friends and a great career!

[vla1120]

I definitely made a conscious choice to become a parent. I could not WAIT! To think these tiny beings would depend upon me for life, and learn how to be people from me, would be the greatest treasure (and responsibility) I would ever know.

 

Then, when I was told I would have great difficulty conceiving, I was absolutely crushed. Luckily, with minimal help, I was able to conceive. I was happy to have one child. Five years later, I was surprised with another. Six years after that, I was surprised with one more. To me, all three of them are a miracle. Has it always been easy? Oh heck no! I also worked full time, many long hours because I was the main breadwinner, dealt with a wandering husband who didn't value hard work, etc. It was not easy. But I am child-like at heart. I LOVED getting down on the floor and playing with them when they were younger (and embarrassing the hell out of them in public when they got a little older .)

 

I would not trade one moment of that time raising them to be the young women they are today. There are still times I want to put them in time out (what is the adult equivalent of time out, anyways?) But for the most part, they've all come into their own and are living responsible lives.

 

What I'd REALLY like is grandchildren!! When I have them, I'll be right down on the floor, playing with them once again!

[GorillaTheater]

What I'd REALLY like is grandchildren!! When I have them, I'll be right down on the floor, playing with them once again!

 

Grandkids are the absolute best! And yep, it's a great excuse to get down on the floor and play with trucks and army men.

[Art_Critic]

Grandkids are the absolute best! And yep, it's a great excuse to get down on the floor and play with trucks and army men.

 

 

or Barbies

[GorillaTheater]

or Barbies

 

Oh man, I have daughters and I could never get the hang of what the hell I was supposed to do with a Barbie ..

 

Luckily for me I just have a grandson.

[Mr. Lucky]

They are decent people and try their best to be a good parent anyway because you can't exactly turn back time, but they do regret it.

 

I think, to a certain extent, depends when you talk to them. Like all relationships, there’s ups and downs, magnified in parenthood by what’s at stake. I’d also guess there’s some crossover between specific regrets (“wanted to travel more”) and overall misgivings about having been a parent. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

What I'd REALLY like is grandchildren!! When I have them, I'll be right down on the floor, playing with them once again!

 

You're so right, vla1120!

 

I didn't even want them because the world is so crazy now as to when I grew up or even reared my own children. I thought they would be exposed to too much danger and too much junk!

 

But, once I held that first little one, it was amazing! Her parents photographed me the moment they put her in my arms and it's the most joyous I've ever appeared to be in a photograph!

 

My grandchildren have brought a new dimension to my life that's different from having children. Here again, I had to delete a whole lot that I wrote about them as I was rhapsodizing way too sappy for most to read! Thank me for sparing everyone the gushing.

[major_merrick]

I think being scared to have kids is normal. People who have "accidents" don't have much of a choice and just go with it. Making a conscious choice to start having kids (or to have more) takes a bit of faith. I know I was scared to death when I was having my first baby. I probably bugged this forum half to death with questions about mothering instinct etc... I was convinced that I wouldn't have the right instinct. It took a little bit, but I got there. We'll see how it goes as they grow up. So far, the sacrifices and lifestyle changes haven't been so extreme as to make me regret it one bit.

[noelle303]

I think being scared to have kids is normal. People who have "accidents" don't have much of a choice and just go with it. Making a conscious choice to start having kids (or to have more) takes a bit of faith. I know I was scared to death when I was having my first baby. I probably bugged this forum half to death with questions about mothering instinct etc... I was convinced that I wouldn't have the right instinct. It took a little bit, but I got there. We'll see how it goes as they grow up. So far, the sacrifices and lifestyle changes haven't been so extreme as to make me regret it one bit.

 

I disagree - my pregnancy with my daughter was completely and totally accidental. But this is why I am so strongly pro-choice - I can honestly say I chose to be a mother, I didn't just "go with it".

 

It's been one of my best decisions in life. Watching this little thing who came out and didn't know anything becoming an actual person before my eyes is one of the most amazing experiences. And I get to shape the person she becomes and provide her with memories and teach her skills and values. I feel like that's such a privilege in life.

 

The days can be long and tiring, especially back when she was a toddler, but so amazing at the same time - every day she does something new, learns something new, experiences something new. In between stubborness and NOs there are hugs and kisses and cuddles and innocence like you've never experienced before. You are their whole world.

 

Yes, it's true that children take a lot more love than they give. And they're not always grateful for their parents, especially teenagers. Hell, I've rolled my eyes at my mom a million times when I was 15, but we have a great relationship.

 

Kids feel most comfortable in their home environment which is why they feel safe to push boundaries and express their emotions freely, even when it's annoyance at their parents. They know we will always love them no matter what.

[RecentChange]

I am childless by choice - having children has never felt like the right path for me.

 

I can understand how many parents love it, and how it has added to their lives etc.

 

One of the big things (okay there are many) that I can quite get past - is that it's a gamble! A huge gamble, and I am just not a gambler.

 

For some it turns out great, and or they are wonderful parents (I happen to think my dad is one of the best dad's and grand dad's around)....

 

But gosh, knowing parents who's children have serious mental illness, addiction and or seriously self destructive behaviors - boy that is a rough road. I just couldn't imagine. A spouse who refuses help for addiction, there is divorce, but a child? It's just heartbreak.

[Leigh 87]

I have one kiddo, a daughter, 24. She is the light of my life, the best thing that ever happened, the meaning I need in this life. Hedonism won't sustain you.

 

 

So infertile people can't lead happy lives too? Maybe hedonism and helping others and owning animals does make those people happy? I agree that nothing is as fulfilling or meaningful as the love of a child - but sadly there are some people who can't have children and it didn't mean they are doomed to a life where there's only meaningless hedonism-- I am sure they would manage to go on and find joy in different ways, albeit it wouldn't be as good as having a child. But it's still something.

[Leigh 87]

One of the things that bother me is that all the children I know through family and friends seem to really not appreciate and value their parents very much. I don’t think this is very specific to my circle, it seems to be a general thing.

 

E.g. my 2 Goddaughters roll their eyes at their mothers a lot (one is 12 and the other one is 15). And I swear to God these are mothers that are a godsend. They drive them everywhere, they pay for all their extracurriculars (which is so expensive), they pay for tutors when needed, they invite their kids friends over all the time for sleepovers etc. etc. and the kids pretty much have a lot of freedom actually. These parents do enforce boundaries, but it seems to be an endless struggle. Boundary here boundary there if you don’t listen this if you don’t listen that - do this do that - why is your room not clean? Jesus Christ how can you live like that? It just seems to be such an unpleasant experience, which is why I’ve always asked myself why why why do people choose this?

 

And the weird thing is that when I show up and do something with the kids, there are no issues whatsoever. They respect me, treat me me lovingly, they say thank you and please, they thank me for taking them places and buying them things, they talk to me openly about stuff, and also problems (which their parents are genuinely interested in, but they have to literally grill them and get nothing, unfortunately) ...... It seems so unfair that the parents are the ones who have the most work with those kids, and bear the most expenses, but they get the worst deal out of it.[/QUOT

 

I'm over 20 weeks pregnant with my first child. A girl.

 

I couldn't give a cr@p what happens in ..ten, 15 or 20 year's from now..I don't live for years in the future. I am not having kids so that they can feel grateful when they're 15. In all likelihood, they won't ever feel or act too appreciative. No teens really do?! Most are self centred, want to have sex with their partners and under age drink behind their parents backs, and want to be with their friends constantly. I am not having kids for how they may or may not turn out. It's a huge risk. I want to enjoy the ride. Always. With the hope that my good values may rub off, if I'm lucky..

 

I want the joy of giving birth, seeing a baby we created, and the delight of the baby and childhood stage. The rest after - well, like me, my daughter will grow up and prefer spending time with her friends and boyfriends, and forget num and dad for a while. She'll get her own things she lives for and have a family of her own. I am not having a child expecting them to be grateful for the fact I had them. I don't need or want expect them to be super close to me as adults, calling me every day. I want kids to enjoy the ride, NOT because I need them to grow up and appreciate me and always want to hang around mum and dad.

Even the birth part and newborn and baby and toddler stage that I am looking the most forward to - could go all wrong. I may have a horrific birth and fail to bond with my baby and end up needing loads and loads of help. It may prove to be totally unlike what I had looked so forward to. It is all a risk. But the love I have to give makes any risk worth it. The pain of a life of unmet maternal desire that you NEVER got to at least try out once...would be soul destroying to simply miss out on.

 

I am a very anxious person. I am hyper aware of every little thing that could go wrong. But the ENDLESS list horrible hinge that can go wrong with kids is SO worth it in an instant. It's totally irrational. It's why women jump through fire to have kids; not all women who spend 100 K on IVF are unfulfilled individuals, many also have great careers, money and great partners and friends.

 

The drive is strong. There's a reason why couples spend so much on infertility treatment. They really aren't all sad miserable people with nothing else going on in their lives.

 

No one knows how their child will grow up. It's such a huge risk. You have to have a burning desire to experience parenthood to place such a high stakes bet. That's what it feels like to me...... Like I am making a bet for 100000 billion dollars where the odds aren't bad and are way higher odds than winning the usual lotto ---- get the down falls are so bone crushingly painful and hideous. So I am going after the holy grail of joy - that billion, billion dollar bet, because the odds aren't low of attaining that money, it's just the risk is really, REALLY high if I get unlucky.....

 

I am having her for the love. Because I am a big kid at heart and have always wanted to build cubby houses in my home to hide and play in...I simply just enjoy the sort of things and sort of days spent doing things that raising a baby and child entails. It's just the number one thing I want to be doing. I most look forward to her childhood. The rest comes as part of the package and I'm sure I'll make the best of it all and that it'll have it's own sorts of joy throughout the stages.

 

I am also nurturing, had good parents myself yet I am very self aware and observant and I feel I have a good reference point with which to work with...I see a lot of hope and potential in being able to shape decent people/a person who will turn out to be a kind and useful member of society. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I also have a lot of great examples of what to do and not do...

 

I also feel that I could offer a child a lot of joy. I have a phenomenal imagination and just have so much to offer a child. I have so much to offer in terms of things my heart just knows would make them absolutely love their childhoods. I feel the immense desire to impart a life of joy and love and happiness. The sense of wonderment I felt as a child is still so close to the surface for me - again, I am a big kid and just feel the need to foster that same joy I felt growing up. But to do it even better, with even more fun than I had!

 

I am a travel addict and always have been. Since I could first talk, I was begging my parents to take me to the furthest destinations away from me. They did. They showed me impoverished countries too, so I could grow up more grateful. I did and I am. Look, I no amount of travelling, career or friends or new and fun experiences- come close to how happy my baby already makes me... I had the itch I needed to scratch. I liked the job description, felt well suited and it's simply just one of those things that my heart yearns for.

 

I wasn't trying to fill a void. I could win lotto, get my dream career, spend my weeks travelling overseas to anywhere I chose - and it would all pale in comparison to how happy this baby already makes me. So some of us just feel made to have kids. For some of us, the urge is ignited at a certain age, and upon meeting the right kind of partner. For me it was a mix of: biological urge, bio clock ticking (I am nearly 33), right time in my life, I enjoyed the job description, right person and I felt totally fulfilled in various aspects of my life I got to fulfil in my 20s. I am left wanting for nothing other than the baby (and a healthy, happy life).

 

I dunno. I really am all about being able to find the joy in each day. Small joys daily as well as those bigger thrills you can create for ourselves via travel, a make over or a new career goal being achieved. But at a certain stage it just hit me (hard) that absolutely none of those things meant much to me compared to fulfilling my desire to bring a baby into the world. All this things pretty much meant nothing to me all of a sudden. With my baby, those things feel like they would add much needed depth to my life as a mother; but independently, without my baby, they mean absolutely nothing.

 

If anything happened to my baby and I couldn't have children after, I would of course live as positively as possible. But my world would be grey, black and white. I wouldn't be living in colour. I would basically be forcing myself to enjoy those "things" (career, giving to charity, friends, exciting trips) but they wouldn't mean much to me, no matter how fully I lived my life. I would just be coasting through life, enjoying small moments of joy occasionally.

 

But it all wouldn't "mean" much without my daughter. I wouldn't really care about the things in my life. I would enjoy various activities. But I would enjoy things more in a hedonistic manner. I wouldn't CARE much about the things I enjoyed. I would just enjoy them.

I think I could still be happy. But it would be a very different level of happy to joy my child already brings. Because I'm someone that needed to experience motherhood. Life without it would be a lot less meaningful without my child.

 

It's really hard to explain "why". It's such a loaded question. And I never grew up wanting kids. I was told I probably couldn't have kids and was ok with it for a long time. I had absolutely no pressure from my family or friends. I never cared what society thought.

 

I went from making threads years back, about how I couldn't understand why women would want kids. I even made a thread in here years ago very much like the one you have made. I really couldn't see the merits of spending your life's earnings into a child who let's face it - are NEVER going to appreciate what you do for them, until they have their own.....

 

So I sort of did a complete 180. This is just my story.

Edited October 6, 2019 by Leigh 87

[Kitty Tantrum]

Why does anybody do anything?

 

How is it in any way fulfilling to have money or do things that cost money? I don't understand THAT. The idea of pouring my time and energy into any endeavor that does not create and sustain new human life and support the emerging generation(s) is so alien to me. That goes far beyond just having kids, and on into encouraging my own children to see the value in the deliberate "planting" of new life. Encouraging and supporting family and friends in the making and growing of their families, etc.

 

Resources have been scarce in my life, and so I only have a couple of kids myself, but I would have had a dozen or more if material circumstances had been more favorable. Sometimes I feel like one of those tiny little bonsai fruit trees that has been pruned and pruned and pruned so carefully, so that all of its energy and nutrients can go into producing one or two beautiful fruits.

 

It's not about "happiness" for me, in the sense that most people use that word. Instead of saying that being a mom makes me "happy" or that I "enjoy" it (both are true, but weak reasons IMO), I'd say that it makes me feel... rooted. The struggle of it is thrillingly and vivaciously HUMAN, and I feel connected, in a way, to ALL life through participation in the continuation of the human species and its environmental adaptation - both through the propagation of my own genes and by way of the things I teach. It's powerful stuff.

[Ellener]

'But gosh, knowing parents who's children have serious mental illness, addiction and or seriously self destructive behaviors - boy that is a rough road. I just couldn't imagine. A spouse who refuses help for addiction, there is divorce, but a child? It's just heartbreak.'

 

There will always be problems RecentChange, some of them heartbreaking. To me it was worth it, the gamble, the risk of being hurt. Helping steer my child through life's pitfalls was another part of the challenge and the reward, though yes it can be stressful.

 

After my second pregnancy loss I did give up trying for more babies and decided to just enjoy the one I had.

 

He's grown up now and I love having him in my life. It was all worth it! Hope I get to be a grandparent!

[Els]

I think, to a certain extent, depends when you talk to them. Like all relationships, there’s ups and downs, magnified in parenthood by what’s at stake.

 

 

Oh, absolutely! I'm sure it's not a binary or black and white thing - most people would find that they feel differently about something at different points in their life, and 18+ years is a long time. All I'm saying is that you can't really say "the rewards ultimately outweigh the sacrifices", because that's not how everyone feels, and even those who feel that way now might not feel that way 10 years ago or 10 years from now.

 

 

I think different people find different things more rewarding or more meaningful... and that's a really good thing for humanity. If everyone believed that the most rewarding/meaningful thing in life was to be a biological parent, we would have no MSF, no missionary schools, no female astronauts, no Antarctic base camp, far fewer technological breakthroughs, and no one willing to adopt. We need different people to make up the world.

[Pastypop]

I only had kids because my husband wanted them.  I wanted a master’s, nice house, nice car, trave, freedom and a career. I was perfectly content with our marriage and cats.  I never once broached the subject of children even in passing.  Eight years went by and he finally had to bring it up. I’ve never really been the type of person to commit to anything honestly. 
 

It has not been a joy for me but endless tasks, endless debt and misery.  I feel like I’ve been handcuffed in a locked cage for almost 20 years with no end in sight.  I’ve lost most of friends, career, family and inlaws.  
 

My beautiful home that I built one month before the first one arrived is completely trashed and looks like a hoarder house.  A pack of wild dogs would not have done that kind of damage.  In August, I just locked it up and moved. I don’’t have the time or money to clean it up, get rid of the crap or maintain it but at least they aren’t trashing it further or adding even more wear and tear to it. They will only be living in rental property now. Let them destroy someone’s property for a change. 

 

 I spend most of my time trying to avoid or get away from the kids and hate most of the activities, projects and all the crap I have to do as a parent. I actually hate And despise those rah rah coaches who just want to suck up more time instead of just getting all that done and over with.  Every single day, I just want them grow up and move out every single day since they were born.  Busy bodies always try to lecture me about my parenting to no avail. Wish I would have gotten my tubes tied and lied to my spouse about it.  I am so glad that I only have 5 - 10 more years of this.  Looking forward to having a few bucks in my pocket, nice clean stuff and no having people always eating my special food all the time. Planning on going to work overseas or move far away from them because I don’t want to be stuck babysitting or raising their kids. 

[mark clemson]

Everyone's a little bit different...

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I have not had kids yet, but when I do, I either want to have a surrogate mother to the woman I choose to raise them with or just have kids with a much younger person... I have saw the struggles my entire life of mental illness, between my older brother who I have helped raise, to my job now, I really do not think I could do a child with mental illness and want to minimize the chance of it as much as possible... 18-20 years old is the age of woman I want to have kids with, hopefully no older than that. I have always leaned more towards surrogate.

[RecentChange]

Thanks for the insight pastypop.

 

I am just so glad that women this day and age, in our country at least have a CHOICE!

 

For those who want to be parents, all the power to them. I will cheer for them and hope that they bring forth wonderful little citizens to share the world with. 

 

And well - on occasions this great gamble fails and those little bundles of joy grow up to be truly horrible people.  Try not to unleash any of those on us

 

It's hard to ignore that regrets regarding having children are extremely taboo - but they do exist.

 

I have heard my own mother in law scream about how she only had children to prove she wasn't a lesbian and should have had an abortion - not all motherhood is filled with unconditional love.

 

As o mentioned earlier, for me I have simply always known that parenthood was not a path right for me. The list of reasons is much too long.

 

As for giving love, I do comprehend that there is a "different" love between a parent and child. I simply share my love different ways. I have spent a lot of time loving and neutering people in hospice (which is incredibly fulfilling and difficult in its own way), I work with animals etc.

 

I have just never had any desire for a mini me, or to have that level of influence over a human - or to being new humans into this Earth.