Contacting previous women who have rejected me and asking why they said no.

[GuitarGuy7]

Do you think it would be a good idea?

 

I'm a 24 year old virgin who's never been in a relationship or has never even kissed a girl. Iv'e been trying to find a dating life on and off for the last four years, with almost no success. I tried joining various clubs at my college to meet girls and tried talking to them but almost all of them ignore me and don't acknowledge my existence, they don't even say hi to me back, yet other guys from the church say hi to me all the time. So I am failing to connect with women.

 

Iv'e been on "dates" with four different girls. One which ghosted me right afterwards, one girl thought it was just a platonic outing, and the other two didn't workout. With all of these girls, I had to do all of the chasing and all of the asking, and none of them were clearly receptive.

 

I honestly just want to know why women arne't giving me a chance. Do you know how frustrating it is to be written off by women time and time again? I want to know why! The fact that iv'e gone nearly 25 years without any sort of dating experience must mean that either there's something physically or mentally wrong with me that's turning women off, or i'm doing something wrong that's preventing me from connecting with women. And I honestly just want to know why.

 

 

I want someone to give me the cold hard truth! No more lies and bull crap!

 

 

So do you think it would be a good idea to contact previous girls who have rejected me and asking why they did so? I'm not trying to convince them to give me a chance, I just honestly want to know why they said no.

[alphamale]

this is NOT a good idea GG7

[GuitarGuy7]

this is NOT a good idea GG7

 

 

Why?

 

I just want to know why I keep getting rejected.

[alphamale]

dude if you can't figure out why this is a very bad idea then I can't help you

[Mysterio]

Here is my take. GG7. There is no way a woman from your past is going to objectivley look at you and tell you why she rejected you. It's to awkward and creepy. It just is.

 

I think that you have a choice. if you want and I don't think you should do this. In 2020 thats your last year of trying to figure out why your not making it with women romantically. This is to just get it out of your system. In 2021. You let it go and stop trying to figure it out for the rest of your life. I feel like its too toxic for you.

 

The truth as I see it is this. 25% of us will have one relationship until death. 50% of us will have romantic relationships that will go in and out of our lives. 25% of will never have it. Its possible to switch between these percentages.

 

I have two friends that got with their wives in 1988 married in 1997 and 1991 married in 1996. The 1991 are still together/childless and thriving. The 1988 couple with three kids are separated going to divorce.

 

Life is dynamic GG7. It changes on a dime. So have faith in yourself. There has to be a cut off time for you to stop trying to figure it out. I have to take that advice as well.

 

I personally think that I am not really doing anything wrong. My only vice is that I and a lot of single guys here that are trying to romantically connect with women futile and chorish. Women treat me better when I don't care and am not trying to romantically connect with them. When it happens.

 

Concentrate on other things on your life. None of us here can really state why women are not into you romantically. All of us men give women way too much power in our lives. I have a friend JC. She is single and looking. So am I. Why are we not together. Should I ask her. From her to me. I gather I don't trigger it off for her romantically. She sort does for me, but more on a superficial physical level. As a GF. I don't know if we would work well. I need a lot of physical affection and I don't know if she is like that. Once she told me she was aggigted with her young short term dating guy, that all he wants is to have sex. That statement to me comes off as she is not a very affectionate woman, so as harsh as it is. If your JC's Boyfriend. Your not going to get laid on a regular basis.

 

I think the best thing for you GG7 is to start a new life that betters you and you are in the position to let a woman in or keep her out. Dress well and be well groomed mannored Fit body and warm and friendly are more important than trying to figure out why your not making it with women.

[The Outlaw]

You wouldn't feel any better if you knew the answer and it wouldn't look good either. Let it go and try a different approach to meeting women. Forget them. It's in the past.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No, do not do this, GG. It is unfair to put these innocent women on the spot like this. You also will not get a satisfactory answer. Throughout your many threads here on this topic, I think we've already given you some "why" answers to your questions about why women, so far, haven't been into you.

 

1. You are height challenged. I can't remember....are you also just small statured/small boned? (I don't mean your penis) Many women, myself included, would not be attracted to that physique. A super tiny woman might be, though. (Have you considered doing what @enigma32 is doing and dating overseas/Phillipines?....I guess that might be hard for a student to do...)

 

2. You have Asperger's. This probably just means you have some personality quirks that won't vibe with a lot of people, and also that you may underplay what I said above in #1, and may not be able to discern when someone really is not interested.

 

3. You are so desperate to lose your virginity that most women probably can tell that you will settle for anyone at all. When you meet a girl, do you actually act like you're interested in HER or are you so preoccupied with wondering if you're eventually going to be allowed into her pants that your eyes glaze over when she talks? The fact that you can relate to men and not women makes me think women know, very clearly, that you are very sex-focused.

 

My personal opinion, as someone who is a lot older, is that you are still super young. You're still a student. You have so much time. You need to focus way less on losing your virginity (there is more to a relationship, and way more to life, than sexual intercourse) and just try to enjoy your life and get to know people for who they are. Maybe some of them will just stay friends. Maybe some will become more.

 

Patience.

[Mysterio]

I think that GG7 needs to let it go and concentrate on the other parts of his life.

[GuitarGuy7]

 

1. You are height challenged. I can't remember....are you also just small statured/small boned? (I don't mean your penis) Many women, myself included, would not be attracted to that physique. A super tiny woman might be, though. (Have you considered doing what @enigma32 is doing and dating overseas/Phillipines?....I guess that might be hard for a student to do...)

 

2. You have Asperger's. This probably just means you have some personality quirks that won't vibe with a lot of people, and also that you may underplay what I said above in #1, and may not be able to discern when someone really is not interested.

 

 

 

 

So basically i'm screwed...

 

 

 

I can't get taller, I can't become neurologically normal.

 

 

I'll never find anybody, and it's not even my fault. I just simply got dealt a really bad hand that is almost impossible to overcome.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So basically i'm screwed...

 

 

 

I can't get taller, I can't become neurologically normal.

 

 

I'll never find anybody, and it's not even my fault. I just simply got dealt a really bad hand that is almost impossible to overcome.

 

Never said that. And it's not impossible to overcome.

[GuitarGuy7]

Never said that. And it's not impossible to overcome.

 

 

Sure it's technically not impossible, but highly unlikely.

 

 

Let's put it this way, if dating were a video game, it would be like an 80 year old grandma playing on the hardest difficulty setting with all handicaps.

Edited September 29, 2019 by GuitarGuy7

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have two major disadvantages that can't be fixed. At 5 ft 3 and 110 pounds, not only am I smaller than 99% of men, but a good majority of women as well, and my physique is a major disadvantage when trying to find a love life.

 

Yep, that is a major disadvantage. But, no amount of asking women why they aren't attracted to you will change it. You need to focus on other aspects of yourself becoming more attractive. Several years ago I worked briefly with a man about your size. Maybe a tad bigger (by like an inch or two and 15 pounds). But still, a really small man. And way older than I was. Old enough to be my dad. But I still found him sexy as hell. Ya know why? His strong/silent personality, eye contact, respect he showed everyone he came into contact with, integrity, intelligence, and sense of humor.

[preraph]

You have some things working against you. I think, like Mysterio said, you need to focus on something else. Because working yourself up into a lather of desperation is only going to be one more strike against you.

 

It will either happen or not that someone comes along and sees something in you that appeals to them. You have done some right things, joining clubs, etc. And you should keep that up. But there are no guarantees for anyone.

 

I can think of one thin, short guy who had a girlfriend and later wife. No, he was never popular with women. He met this one woman who liked him. To be fair, he had a pretty terrible personality too, much too intrusive and pushy, like the little brother who won't leave his big sister alone with her boyfriend on the couch, you know. So he was very short, thin, average face. His wife was taller than him, overweight quite a bit and short red hair and also not particularly attractive, but she had a nice personality and people liked her.

 

I don't know if they are still together, but they were for at least 20 years. You might find yours or she might find you, but it will probably happen by happenstance if it does happen. Not by design because like others, I think you're way too focused on it. And without being in front of you, I can't tell you if your Asperger's is the dealbreaker or not. I can tell you that though you seem like a nice guy, nothing too far off whack on here, you are extremely repetitive and too focused on this one thing, obsessed, and whether that is a product of Asperger's, it might be or might not be, but that alone isn't doing you any favors.

 

I do think you need to just try to stop thinking about it and develop the rest of your life to something enjoyable and interesting and stop expecting a certain payoff.

[Gretchen12]

You exaggerate. Not dateless for almost 25 years because you weren't suppose to date for the first 16 years or so of your life!! Also, you're not that short. I'm 5'4" and I've always considered myself really tall. I mean, I feel tall, and always try not to block the view of people behind me.

 

Your idea is actually not bad. But I'd tweek it. Find the friendliest woman of the bunch, and instead of asking her why she rejected you (which is rather confrontational), just tell her you get that you two were not a match, but could she help you with your dating. Treat her as a friend. Ask about hair, clothing, what women like, etc. When she tells you what you should do differently, from that you can figure out why she rejected you.

[Mysterio]

GG7 needs to let go of being the driving force of getting a GF or getting sex. If one dropped down for him today. Unless he chills out. She will leave him due to his negative perspective on himself.

 

Start looking at your life as having a GF or Sex as something that will drop into your life. Than trying to go out and get it. For some reason with myself. Things work out better for me, when I don't focus on getting women in a romantic way, when it happens.

 

GG7 build a life for yourself where your reasonbly happy and not feeling cursed due to not having a woman or regular sex in your life. Techinally at 24 you have only been in the game for 8 yrs. I have not had a GF for 7 yr and no major sex since 2012 and I don't feel like I am missing out. Its nothing that I am doing. I don't know any friend of mine that is having Girls throwing themselves at them and sex all the time.

[GuitarGuy7]

 

I can think of one thin, short guy who had a girlfriend and later wife. No, he was never popular with women. He met this one woman who liked him. He was very short, thin, average face. His wife was taller than him, overweight quite a bit and short red hair and also not particularly attractive, but she had a nice personality and people liked her.

 

 

 

So as a short skinny guy, my only options are big fat chicks i'm not even attracted to. Great...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So as a short skinny guy, my only options are big fat chicks i'm not even attracted to. Great...

 

Nobody here is going to stop you from being a pessimistic defeatist. But we're certainly not going to actively participate in a pity party.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Look, my cousin with Asperger's has the complete opposite physical problem as you.....he is tall and VERY overweight. Maybe partly due to medications he takes for his nerve damage (work injury), I have no clue, but he's not an attractive guy in my opinion. He found a wife, got married, and had a baby. Are they happily married? I don't think so, from what I've heard. But, he found someone to love him.

 

So can you. Stop blaming your limitations (WE ALL HAVE THEM) and start just building on your strengths. What are they?

[GuitarGuy7]

 

So can you. Stop blaming your limitations (WE ALL HAVE THEM) and start just building on your strengths. What are they?

 

 

Well let's see...

 

 

-I have my own place, a car, a decent job. I'm also going to college for IT and visual and graphic design.

 

- I'm fairly fit and like keeping myself in shape. I go to the gym at least 3 times a week and like to do some running as well.

 

- I have a fairly active social life. I'm in several clubs at my local college, have a good social circle of friends, and keep myself fairly active and busy.

 

- I have many hobbies and interests. I enjoy playing guitar and the piano, doing photography, some videography, and some audio engineering.

 

- I'm not physically abusive

 

- I'm easy going.

[Mysterio]

GG7 your a good guy. Keep on being you. The women can drop into your lap. Don't bother chasing anymore. You deserve a break. Read books on sex if your want to have the knowledge.

 

Don't think your missing out. I know its hard, but your inner happiness if more important on a day to day basis than the Happiness than what our Society says that its supposed to be.

 

I personally think a woman will come to your or situation of your pleasing, once you get it out of your head that your missing out.

[ZA Dater]

this is NOT a good idea GG7

 

On a ranking of ideas this is a truly terrible one because you wont look good doing this nor will you actually get any useful feedback because as much as we think it would be helpful it just would not be.

 

Ladies get to choose to a greater extent than guys do. Its just the way it is.

 

All you can do is try improve yourself, you are still young so there is a lot of time but don't end up like me at nearly 36 with the same issue...

 

Its a brutal dating world out there, we have ideas of how we think it should work but none of us can really change it, sure we can question it but we cannot change it. I don't think its fair that what I deem to be low quality guys get the ladies I find attractive but I cant change that, I cant change what attributes people find attractive, even if I don't agree with them.

 

What you can do and this might have value is get into the friend zone because a friend is likely to provide slightly better feedback, to me it always seems like you are stuck in the mire of despair about your situation and while I will concede its not nice, its not the end of the world either.

 

Somewhere someone else is far worse off.

Edited September 30, 2019 by ZA Dater

[elaine567]

So as a short skinny guy, my only options are big fat chicks i'm not even attracted to. Great...

Such disdain...

These "big fat chicks" are in fact seeing you as the same level as they are or even lower, hence they may give you a chance.

Would they rather date some hunk? Sure they would, but they know their own value, or they have just spread their net so wide that it also includes you...

 

You seem to think you are some sort of a prize and that women are just not seeing your true value...

Anyone who struggles, fails to see their own value in the dating world and is pitching above their weight, that is the reality.

 

Life is not a porn movie or a Rom com.

Ordinary people are not entitled to pick the best looking one off the shelf, just because...

The best looking one is reserved for the superlative, the extraordinary, ie the best looking people, people with charisma, people with money, people with potential, people with class... etc etc.

Anyone with "flaws" needs to stop hankering after "the best" and start being more realistic...

 

As for asking women why they rejected you... you already know the reasons why.

You want to call them out on it and tell them they were wrong, but life doesn't work like that... you don't get to dictate what other people find attractive.

Suffice to say you were not what they were looking for.

[mr_ybor]

I dunno, mang. You're getting multiple replies and dates. I think you're being way unnecessarily hard on yourself. That's WAY above and beyond what I can get out of it (and I'm 5'-9" and don't have Asperger's). It may take a number of people to find someone that clicks. That's just how it is.

[Maddie82]

Why?

 

I just want to know why I keep getting rejected.

 

Because it's weird.

[Maddie82]

At the end of the day your height is not a hindrance and it's also not a problem. To some women out there shorter guys are very desirable. You're not going to be single forever just because you're a little shorter than some others. You are trying too hard and maybe setting your sights a little too high. I have a friend who is short and he got into a low place when he was younger because he thought he wouldn't have a proper relationship. While on a night out to drown his sorrows, he bumped into a girl he went to school with. They ended up getting married and having a son. There is someone out there for everyone.