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Gf wants to marry, but seems she puts everyone else first?


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  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the replies. All very good.

 

I talked to her last night. The only reason I brought it up was because two nights ago she had a breakdown and went on for hours about how she hates only seeing me so late, how she hates not having a normal life, how she hates working every weekend etc. asking where we are headed etc.

 

So I said “ I think it would be a good idea to slowly look for another job, then you would have more time for yourself, your mom, running, your sis, and us”

 

She became passive aggressive, grabbed her phone and said “ok well it’s saturday night. You want to pick on me. Now I will find another job this second”

 

I explained I am happy with her, but a marriage is different than just spending 1 hour before bed together.

 

She went on and on about how I pick on her, she will never be good enough, how I said she had “nothing to offer”. (Which I never said).

 

 

So it didn’t go well at all. In fact it really made me feel she is just very immature.

  • Author
Posted

 

 

From what you have said I doubt you can.

She is not interested in building a life with you, she is interested in you supporting her. Why in the world does she want to get married anyway? I can think of no good reason. Certainly don't marry her as things will only get worse once she has you on the legal hook so to speak. You've been divorced, you know what can happen.

 

Exactly. This makes no logical sense to me.

 

She says she wants to “get married and have a family”

 

But when broken down it seems to mean

 

A. i will work and spend my money how I please

 

B. I have many other priorities. (Running. My mom. My twin. My other sister)

 

C. You support me and pay bills.

 

D. I won’t have time to cook or clean or shop or be around much.

 

E. But just marry me because I am

A good person.

Posted (edited)

What would solve this is that you let her be a house wife and support her 100%. She will have plenty of time to clean the house shop and cook and be there when you get home from work. While you are at work she will have time to visit her mom and sister and go running during the week and leave the weekends clear for trips, etc with you.

 

 

If this seems extreme, I suggest you finally end it due to incompatibility and find someone who fits your life better.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 2
Posted
Exactly. This makes no logical sense to me.

 

She says she wants to “get married and have a family”

 

But when broken down it seems to mean

 

A. i will work and spend my money how I please

 

B. I have many other priorities. (Running. My mom. My twin. My other sister)

 

C. You support me and pay bills.

 

D. I won’t have time to cook or clean or shop or be around much.

 

E. But just marry me because I am

A good person.

 

 

 

 

Ahh l dunno , wouldn't take too much notice of the fight , she's been under a lot of pressure and cracked.

See how she is in a few days , a week , first of all.

Posted
Thanks for the replies. All very good.

 

I talked to her last night. The only reason I brought it up was because two nights ago she had a breakdown and went on for hours about how she hates only seeing me so late, how she hates not having a normal life, how she hates working every weekend etc. asking where we are headed etc.

 

So I said “ I think it would be a good idea to slowly look for another job, then you would have more time for yourself, your mom, running, your sis, and us”

 

She became passive aggressive, grabbed her phone and said “ok well it’s saturday night. You want to pick on me. Now I will find another job this second”

 

I explained I am happy with her, but a marriage is different than just spending 1 hour before bed together.

 

She went on and on about how I pick on her, she will never be good enough, how I said she had “nothing to offer”. (Which I never said).

 

 

So it didn’t go well at all. In fact it really made me feel she is just very immature.

 

The biggest issue I see with your gf is the way she communicates with you. Earlier you said that she will say things like "what, so you're saying I can't see my mom?" And above you give more examples of her putting words in her mouth and being unwilling to have a mature discussion or compromise. She speaks in hyperbole and absolutes as a way to shut you down and make you back off. It's a form of manipulation and control. I once had a partner like this. He was personality disordered so probably much worse than your gf, but his tactics were much the same. Anytime I would state something about the relationship that I thought could be improved he would have these ridiculous over the top reactions that were simply impossible to deal with.

 

Like the others have mentioned, I don't understand why you are still in this relationship. You say her schedule is okay for a dating relationship but not for marriage. That doesn't make sense. Why will your needs change after marriage? If you're going to need more time and attention from her after marriage then why don't you need those things now? And if you need those things now why are you wasting your time with someone who doesn't meet your needs?

 

I suspect that you're just not all that interested in getting remarried, regardless of who you are dating. You're actually fine with things as they are and you're in no hurry to commit to marriage, because if you were interested in finding a forever partner then you would not be willing to stick around wasting your time with a gf whom you know you is not that person for you. Sooo....maybe you should tell your gf the truth about that. So that she can decide if she wants to waste more time on someone who is never going to marry her.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
The biggest issue I see with your gf is the way she communicates with you. Earlier you said that she will say things like "what, so you're saying I can't see my mom?" And above you give more examples of her putting words in her mouth and being unwilling to have a mature discussion or compromise. She speaks in hyperbole and absolutes as a way to shut you down and make you back off. It's a form of manipulation and control. I once had a partner like this. He was personality disordered so probably much worse than your gf, but his tactics were much the same. Anytime I would state something about the relationship that I thought could be improved he would have these ridiculous over the top reactions that were simply impossible to deal with.

 

.

 

 

Yes, exactly.. No matter how nicely, or politely I phrase something, she says "You are saying I am worthless!".. "you are saying there isn't one good thing about me!" "you are saying everything is bad about me".

 

And then it just goes in circles.. "No I am only saying, that in the future, since you express so much hatred for your job yourself, maybe in a few months line up a different one"

 

Which then she replies by saying "You want me to change overnight!!! You won't ever be happy!!!" "Yo are ALWAYS picking on me!!! I cant tell if it is purely manipulative or just immature. But whatever it is I really cant deal with it.

Posted
But whatever it is I really cant deal with it.

 

So you have your answer. Probably time to end the relationship and relieve both of you of the frustrations it appears to be causing.

  • Like 1
Posted

The way she reacted to your suggestion is another red flag. Is this how she usually reacts if you make a suggestion?

Posted
Actually, it sounds to me like you have found yourself a very good woman.

 

That's what I'm trying to figure out lol

 

Great sex, works her butt off, loves her mom, isn't on top him 24/7, but doesn't hang out with him all the time, and he's upset? :lmao:

 

When you had the argument, she wasn't looking for you to tell her to get another job. She was just looking for assurance from you, that you are her rock and you love her. Instead, you give her logic and reason. I can tell this is how you are because your post is broken down in outline format, like a law student's notes.

 

Side rant: This is what's frustrating... a guy like this already had a chance to have a wife and family. Now he gets yet ANOTHER chance, while guys like you and me, don't even get one chance. :confused:

  • Like 1
Posted

She sounds like hard work, maybe even a little OCD and neurotic. Maybe also one of those people who just need to chill the F out. I'm not surprised you're not keen on marriage. I'd wait until the next time she actually squeezes you into her busy, busy life and then I'd tell her I couldn't see her because I have to run around the block three times and then scratch my azz for an hour. Then I'd end the relationship and find someone who likes me so much they actually want to spend time with me. You're being taken for granted.

Posted (edited)
So you have your answer. Probably time to end the relationship and relieve both of you of the frustrations it appears to be causing.

 

 

 

 

Yeah goin on the last one l'd go with this too because she's obviously feeling like she can't do anything right but at the end of the day you two just can't communicate for a start . Her twisting and defensiveness sounds like she either needs reassurance or the boot.

Edited by chillii
Posted
Thanks for the replies. All very good.

 

I talked to her last night. The only reason I brought it up was because two nights ago she had a breakdown and went on for hours about how she hates only seeing me so late, how she hates not having a normal life, how she hates working every weekend etc. asking where we are headed etc.

 

So I said “ I think it would be a good idea to slowly look for another job, then you would have more time for yourself, your mom, running, your sis, and us”

 

She became passive aggressive, grabbed her phone and said “ok well it’s saturday night. You want to pick on me. Now I will find another job this second”

 

I explained I am happy with her, but a marriage is different than just spending 1 hour before bed together.

 

She went on and on about how I pick on her, she will never be good enough, how I said she had “nothing to offer”. (Which I never said).

 

Her “breakdown” as you call it is not as black and white as you see it.

 

In your opening post , you mentioned how she has worked every weekend since you met. But you knew her work roster when you met. You had a choice to accept that.

 

You later say you have an issue with her not being available for weekend trips etc.

 

I think she likes her job ,but is likely frustrated that you mention wishing to go away on weekends etc. And it’s not her job that’s the issue or why she apparently voiced that she dislikes it, what she dislikes is the constant reminder by you. And hence not feeling good enough for you.

 

I can’t believe no one has acknowledged that her mother has had cancer for at least half the time you have known her. Her routine in that respect has been an upheaval , why on earth would she start looking for another job because her hours don’t suit you?

 

Of course she is seeking stability and security in her life because right now she is realising life is fragile. And you are seemingly adding to her insecurity rather than being someone who can or should provide it.

 

Do you not have family? Or close family?

I’m not sure that this is about incompatibility but perhaps a lack of compassion on your part??

 

It doesn’t matter how “nicely” you think you communicate that you have an issue with her working hours. It still comes from a selfish angle. Perhaps it suits her to be able to see her mother when others can’t during the week ?

 

It certainly does sound like you are asking to be her priority but asking only so you can go on weekend trips ? With no regard for the fact that she would love to do that but ethically it’s not possible right now?

 

Perhaps if you realised how loving and empathetic she is and did marry her for those reasons , she might then have the confidence to compromise her independence and be able to fulfill all of the roles in her life.

 

Have you compromised your lifestyle to fit in around hers at all??

  • Author
Posted
Her “breakdown” as you call it is not as black and white as you see it.

 

In your opening post , you mentioned how she has worked every weekend since you met. But you knew her work roster when you met. You had a choice to accept that.

 

Have you compromised your lifestyle to fit in around hers at all??

 

I wouldn’t say it was just for “weekend trips”. I never spent a full day with her. Or relaxed for a day in bed. Or had lunch. Or cooked a meal together etc.

 

I own a business. I never been able to find anyone that would work even a Sunday, much less 52 a year. Nobody at her job works that much either. They are all able to balance life and work better. I feel her boss definitely takes advantage, but she also does not speak up for herself.

 

And then if she is off early, it is mom, sis, errands and running.

 

I guess I changed my schedule and life by waiting for her for 2 years daily. When will she be off is never a set time. So it can be from 7 until 10 as her store does not close if there are more appointments. And she is the only one that is left each day. Everyone else leaves to be with their husband or boyfriend, or just goes home to have their own routine.

 

My fear is, which I don’t even know, is thy if she was off at 4 everyday with a different job, would she still find ways to fill every single remaining second with mom, sis, running, volunteering for more hours at work, errands etc.

Posted (edited)

Welcome to the world of shift work!! We don’t actually have the luxury of choosing our shifts! But we choose to do shift work because the job we do entails that and we signed up for that!!

 

You as a business owner , however does get to choose. Your employees not so depending on the business , right?

 

I’m glad you finally said that this is your fear and not hers.

Your fear is what’s preventing her to make a significant change in her lifestyle , career etc. You are essentially asking her to give up her independance before you decide if she is worth marrying.

 

You are asking her to jump off a bridge without guaranteeing her a safety net.

Because you have been burnt before , right?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed
Posted

Don't marry her. She is immature and acts like a spoiled child when you try to have a adult conversation with her (thinks you are picking on her). She is not good with money, can't control her spending and has a mountain of debt with no sign of it slowing down either. This will be a huge problem alone in your relationship, nevermind the added expense of a wedding. The only reasons she wants marriage and kids is because she is resentful that you have already had both.

 

So far, the only good thing you have expressed about the relationship is the sex. Not exactly a good basis for marriage.

  • Like 1
Posted

It seems that she is simply not in love with you op. She has decided that it is time to get married and have children (biological clock) and you will do...or rather, she'll fit at least that much of you in.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Welcome to the world of shift work!! We don’t actually have the luxury of choosing our shifts! But we choose to do shift work because the job we do entails that and we signed up for that!!

 

You as a business owner , however does get to choose. Your employees not so depending on the business , right?

 

I’m glad you finally said that this is your fear and not hers.

Your fear is what’s preventing her to make a significant change in her lifestyle , career etc. You are essentially asking her to give up her independance before you decide if she is worth marrying.

 

You are asking her to jump off a bridge without guaranteeing her a safety net.

Because you have been burnt before , right?

 

I would say every guy that ever worked for me over 18 years always had a gf or wife wanting them home, or not allowing them to work every Saturday. Much less Sunday.

 

I guess when I would ask her “ how do you envision your ideal future on a day to day basis” I can never get an answer. It leads to “oh because your ex wife didn’t have to work” and can go on and on for hours simply asking a question.

 

I feel she has a complex of “never wanting to let anyone down”. So she will run herself ragged trying to please her job, family, me etc. But when you do that it isn’t sustainable and you can only give a little to your partner. Although for her that little takes great effort.

 

I haven’t broken up because most women I have dated have bigger problems. They can’t hold a job. They are materialistic. They want to be with friends. They want to party. None of that is her. And I really haven’t met any women who were less emotional and have , fair, logical and well thought out discussions about a relationship

Posted (edited)

Depending on where you live and the job market there, she might not have all that much say in whether she works weekends. If she tried to demand different work hours (because her boyfriend is unhappy with her current work hours) and they fired her (because job seekers are a dime a dozen and they can replace her within the hour), what then? Are you willing to financially support her while she looks for another job?

 

 

Seeing your mother and sister for a few hours a week is not terribly unusual and wouldn't be a red flag for most reasonable people. If she was visiting a male friend every week, that would be a different story.

Edited by Elswyth
  • Author
Posted
Depending on where you live and the job market there, she might not have all that much say in whether she works weekends. If she tried to demand different work hours (because her boyfriend is unhappy with her current work hours) and they fired her (because job seekers are a dime a dozen and they can replace her within the hour), what then? Are you willing to financially support her while she looks for another job?

 

 

Seeing your mother and sister for a few hours a week is not terribly unusual and wouldn't be a red flag for most reasonable people.

 

Lol. Yes that is how she sounds. “Should I tell them

My boyfriend is unhappy so I can’t work weekends”

 

It’s just a revolving circle because she comes to me saying she is “missing out on her entire life” as she works every single weekend and long hours during the week. But she won’t find a solution. And when I also agree and say “yes we can never go anywhere” it turns to “see. You aren’t happy with me. Sorry I have to work”

 

Her job would never fire her as she runs the entire place at a rate of pay too low. They won’t find another girl to work every single weekend.

 

I just suggested to tell her boss to get additional help or pay her more. This type of treatment would not fly if it was a man working. A man wouldn’t allow it.

 

Why would I marry a woman who is gone 7 days a week? It’s not like she will pay my bills

Posted

Her job would never fire her as she runs the entire place at a rate of pay too low. They won’t find another girl to work every single weekend.

 

 

You're not answering the question - if she puts her foot down and they do fire her, are you willing to support her?

 

 

 

 

Why would I marry a woman who is gone 7 days a week? It’s not like she will pay my bills

 

 

But you're not married. If your genuine concern was "what happens when we are married?", you could ask her if she was willing to quit her job when you get married.

  • Like 1
Posted

Okay - let's stop the drama on this thread. I feel exhausted just reading it lol!

 

OP,

 

You need to sit down with her and try to have a long, open, honest conversation. Tell her how you feel. Tell her what she does and says and how it makes you feel. Focus only on behavior and words, do not insult or talk about her personhood (not saying you do) Ask her what she wants for the future and how she can get there. Ask her what you can do better/different. And if you can have that conversation in depth and you feel like you want to try and make it work, ask her how you can support her. And then ask her to make a plan with you.

 

But from what you share it sounds like she's stuck - she knows she deserves better hours and pay at work, that she constantly gives, and that she doesn't have time. And it seems, if what you share is true, that she's locked in a vicious cycle and that she's defensive to the point where her automatic defense is to attack and to blow up things beyond proportions.

 

Regardless whether or not you got burned before and are hesitating on things to avoid being burned again isn't the primary concern. The first concern is getting her to communicate, assessing where you are both at individually and as a team, and then coming up with a plan if you both feel like working on it. everything else is just b.s. right now

  • Like 1
Posted
The biggest issue I see with your gf is the way she communicates with you. Earlier you said that she will say things like "what, so you're saying I can't see my mom?" And above you give more examples of her putting words in her mouth and being unwilling to have a mature discussion or compromise. She speaks in hyperbole and absolutes as a way to shut you down and make you back off. It's a form of manipulation and control. I once had a partner like this. He was personality disordered so probably much worse than your gf, but his tactics were much the same. Anytime I would state something about the relationship that I thought could be improved he would have these ridiculous over the top reactions that were simply impossible to deal with.

 

I agree.

 

OP: Your GF's response looks like a classic response of someone suffering from a personality disorder. Textbook. Don't just hand-wave this away, or make excuses for it especially if this is her typical behavior.

Read up on cluster B personality disorders, in particular borderline (high functioning variety) and narcissistic. The carrots used are just as telling as the sticks.

 

But even if this is not a disorder, this approach to relationship problem solving makes for a very toxic environment.

Extreme, catastrophic and black & white thinking are major red flags.

 

You maybe able to deal with it but don't bring kids into this even if you do get married. Marriage will not make it better.

  • Like 1
Posted
Thanks for the replies. All very good.

 

I talked to her last night. The only reason I brought it up was because two nights ago she had a breakdown and went on for hours about how she hates only seeing me so late, how she hates not having a normal life, how she hates working every weekend etc. asking where we are headed etc.

 

So I said “ I think it would be a good idea to slowly look for another job, then you would have more time for yourself, your mom, running, your sis, and us”

 

She became passive aggressive, grabbed her phone and said “ok well it’s saturday night. You want to pick on me. Now I will find another job this second”

 

I explained I am happy with her, but a marriage is different than just spending 1 hour before bed together.

 

She went on and on about how I pick on her, she will never be good enough, how I said she had “nothing to offer”. (Which I never said).

 

 

So it didn’t go well at all. In fact it really made me feel she is just very immature.

 

She is extremely immature---and an immature person is the last person you need to be trying to build a life with. Doesn't matter how great the sex is if crazy is attached to it.

 

You're rearing one child: you don't need to re-raise another.

 

"I can see by your reaction that you are here for a bandaid instead of formulating a concrete plan to alleviate your frustration with how you have no time. I can't help you if all you want to do is attack me for offering a workable solution, so I think it's best we break up so that you can have more time doing what you feel you need to do so you don't feel as if you're being picked on".... and let her figure out the rest in your wake.

Posted (edited)
I guess when I would ask her “ how do you envision your ideal future on a day to day basis” I can never get an answer. It leads to “oh because your ex wife didn’t have to work” and can go on and on for hours simply asking a question.

 

This is her problem: she resents that you've already had the wife/SAH mom, kids, family and white picket fence and she didn't get to be the first one down that path with you and you're not in a place where she can quit her job, live off your income and just spend all her time visiting or whatever else is more important to her than you. To further dig in her heels, she refuses to look for a better paying job with better hours because of the attention and sympathy she gets from being the put upon, underpaid employee---well, who is the idiot giving away their labor for slave wages?

 

Women like that you need to offload. You can't spin the earth backwards for a re-do on anything. She's known since she's known you that you've got an ex wife and you both had a life together before divorcing, yet she still stayed with you while holding that fact against you and using it to passive aggressively punish you for it.

 

Whatever her mental issues are are for her and a therapist to work out--that's above your pay grade and you're not her dad or husband.

Edited by kendahke
  • Author
Posted (edited)

One thing I wonder about is I think she has a fundamental misunderstanding of what a marriage is.

 

One time she said "My goal is to buy my mom a house". Like how will that happen? You will marry me, and take your time and resources away from us to give to your mom? And pay your debt? And have babies? and take care of home?

 

Another time her sister was moving cross country and she said "I will have to fly there at least once a month to see her".

 

Another time she almost successfully got Friday's off and she said "That will be great! I can see my other sister who I don't see enough those days!"

 

Even last week, she had plans to see her mom Sunday afternoon. (rare day off early). Her mom cancelled. Did she want to see me early? No. So she texted me "Well my mom said I should go run to alleviate stress! I have 3 hours to do so. Love you and miss you!"

 

I don't know how to word it, but does she seem entitled, although she is a people pleaser? unrealistic? immature? Selfish but selfless?

 

And the thing is her twin, other sister, or mom NEVER take the hour drive to see her. It is always her going out of her way.

 

So when I bring up the above, and explain that marriage is not like that, it becomes "oh, you like selfish women. your ex was selfish! That's why you married her!" Or many other extreme variations.

 

it seems like she wants a family and marriage, but doesn't want to work together. She wants her entire life separate, with the security of marriage?

Edited by Nicklb
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