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Gf wants to marry, but seems she puts everyone else first?


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Posted

I sm divorced, and been with gf for about 2 years.

 

She is always there for me, however she is VERY stubborn and I don't feel I can marry her. Tell me if this seems normal.

 

A. She has worked every single weekend since I have known her. She works retail. During the week her schedule is also difficult, and she usually works about 11 to 7. But she closes the store. So often times she is off about 9 to 10.

 

She will not ask for a raise, will not ask for weekends off, will not ask for different hours. But she HATES her current job and realizes it is harming our relationship.

 

B. She has to see her mom at least once a week. So IF she is off earlier on a Sunday, she heads to her moms.

 

C. She has a twin. So she must see her one night a week. Once again, usually on an earlier day off.

 

D. She has debt, but continuously MUST buy her mom and sister gifts. (And me).

 

E. On her one day off, Wednesday, she is busy from 8 am util 10 pm, running errands, shopping etc.

 

F. 2 nights a week she must run. So if she is off about 7, she will spend those hours running. She will get to my house around 9:00.

 

Now for every issue above, she has an excuse and quickly gets very defensive.

 

"Work is busiest on the weekends". "What, you are saying I cant see my mom?""What you are saying I cant see my twin?" "What, I cant even run twice a week?" "It makes me happy to by people things, now I cant?"

 

On my end I work until 4 or 5 pm and have every weekend off, even though I run a business and make far more money than her.

 

So every night is eating alone, basically only going to bed with her, never having someone to take a trip with etc.

 

But she seems to become hurt and angry that I married someone else before, and will not talk about marriage with her. When I bring up that I seem low on the priority list, she gets furious, and says how much she does for me.

 

More or less she wants to get married, but still have her job, mom, sis, another sis, running etc, and doesn't understand that to me that is not much of a partnership.

 

Am I being selfish? Does her schedule seem excessively filled up? how can I explain this to her better without arguing?

Posted

I don't think either of you are wrong, unfortunately just not compatible.

 

She is ok with the limitations on your relationship caused by her busy schedule. You are not, understandably so.

 

Certainly don't think about marrying her under theses circumstances.

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  • Author
Posted
I don't think either of you are wrong, unfortunately just not compatible.

 

She is ok with the limitations on your relationship caused by her busy schedule. You are not, understandably so.

 

Certainly don't think about marrying her under theses circumstances.

 

2 other points..

 

a. She is CONSTANTLY asking about our future. In my mind, it would be hard for her to marry any man with this type of schedule. Am I wrong?

 

b. For now, I am ok with the schedule, BUT NOT if we are actually going to be married.

 

On one hand she knows I am right and acknowledges it, but on the other hand when it comes to actually changing anything, it is t with extreme defensiveness.

Posted

She just isn't willing or able to see things from your perspective. But just as she can hold on to being defensive about not lightening up her schedule, you are well within your rights to hold on to not contemplating marriage (as things stand).

 

I'm a believer that if things are meant to be, things will eventually work out. Sounds like you are happy together right now, so just see where things go. But don't cave in to something you don't feel good about. She shouldn't let you "bully" her into changing her schedule and you shouldn't let her "bully" you into marrying her (I'm using "bully"to get a point across, I'm sure neither of you are being bullies :)).

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Posted

I am surprised you are still together.

This doesn't work and I guess she is now punishing you for your previous marriage and your son and your refusal to discuss marriage with her.

She is avoiding spending "family" time with you.

She is sooo busy, so she doesn't have to face spending time with you... She is probably just full of resentment.

You don't see her as marriage material so for God's sake end it.

Neither of you are getting what you really want here.

 

Next time steer clear of 30yo single women, you have too much marital baggage for them to deal with.

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Posted

Marriage won't solve it. You aren't a priority at all and you won't be just because she gets a piece of paper and entitled to 1/2 your business and everything you own. I'd just tell her that you don't want to be married alone and that is what you would be.

 

Tell her you'll marry her if she's cool with you dating on the side to fulfill your needs, because that is the only option she is really offering you.

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Posted

Part of me thinks it is also a problem with society as a whole these days.

 

She went to college, acquired debt. Car debt. Credit card debt. insurance. Health insurance. various other bills she must pay.

 

Then she also became used to spending on herself and others..

 

But NOW her biological clock is ticking. "I want a kids and family!"

 

So on one hand she yearns for something traditional, and on the other hand she is "independent". I don't really know if it is possible to easily blend the 2 into 1.

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Posted

You're not in a debating contest here ... If you're feeling she's not paying enough attention to you or giving you enough time ... and that she's always "busy" ... then that's enough. Forget trying to change her way of thinking and her habits.

 

As others have said, you guys just don't sound compatible. The reality is people can be extremely busy ... and still make the other person feel quite valued and prioritized and treasured ... because they can keep you on their minds and stay in touch and ... tell you how much they look forward to seeing you and all of that ... And their time away from you is spent on things you understand.

 

You want to feel great dating someone--it's that simple. Yes there will be some issues. But don't ignore what you're feeling ... that only sets you up for more miserable. Think less she's doing wrong and more she's simply not a good fit for you. BTW: none of this behavior of hers will change after marriage. It only gets worse and you'll feel worse because you'll know your marriage isn't working.

 

You NEVER want to justify or prove you are reasonable in wanting more time with and attention from someone. That puts you in the position of begging. If you guys don't match on this issue, the relationship ain't worth it.

 

Time to start thinking of ending your misery--heading for the exit. You'll feel so relieved you'll be shocked.

  • Author
Posted
You're not in a debating contest here ... If you're feeling she's not paying enough attention to you or giving you enough time ... and that she's always "busy" ... then that's enough. Forget trying to change her way of thinking and her habits.

 

As others have said, you guys just don't sound compatible. The reality is people can be extremely busy ... and still make the other person feel quite valued and prioritized and treasured ... because they can keep you on their minds and stay in touch and ... tell you how much they look forward to seeing you and all of that ... And their time away from you is spent on things you understand.

 

 

Let me try to rephrase.

 

She texts me all day. Says she misses me. Buys me thoughtful gifts. Spends every night with me. Great sex.

 

I am trying to discern how others are in relationships.

 

Do most people have a routine? I would say in my previous marriage my ex wife wanted to stay home or work part time, had no debt, wasn't buying everyone things, we had dinner at 5, and we had every evening and weekend together.

 

In this situation I feel odd saying "work less for me", or "don't see your mom", or "don't see your twin", or "stop running". On her side those are normal things to do. It's not like she is at bars, or going out with friends, etc. But ultimately I don't know if I can have a long term marriage or relationship like that. I also don't know if any guy truly would want that.

 

She also seems to be a people pleaser. Always the one doing everything for everyone.

Posted

I would be encouraging her to get a new job, with better pay and hours. Keep a lookout for something she could do and help her get her CV updated.

In the mean time, can you not visit her family with her? My husband and I always visit his family and mine together, sometimes both of our families get together for a meal.

Same with running, what's stopping you from going for a run with her?

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Posted

OK, thanks for the clarification. So she does tell you how much she appreciates you and all of that. That's good ... but that's also probably confused you.

 

You mention the key word here ... "people pleaser" ... Oh man, I've dated people pleasers and they drove me nuts. For one, people pleasers by definition cannot prioritize. Everything is of equal priority. They don't like saying "no." A relationship requires two people working to carve out time for each other. Two people who can say "no" to others putting claims on their time. There's truth in the saying "If you can't say "no," then you can't really say "yes."

 

You want a person who can say "no" for other reasons as well. Suppose you're hospitalized. You need someone who can go to the nurses' station and say that you need more time and more help ... someone unafraid to be your advocate. Sounds like if this woman is your partner and you're in the hospital, dude you are on your own!

 

Part of dating someone is liking their life, liking the way they spend their time. If this person is merely "fitting you in"--or if you feel that way--you aren't going to be happy.

 

I saw this line in your original post: She will not ask for a raise, will not ask for weekends off, will not ask for different hours. But she HATES her current job and realizes it is harming our relationship.

 

This is not the behavior of someone who has the confidence and strength to go for what she wants in life and to stand up for herself and to protect the relationship. And here's an additional problem when dating a people pleaser. Frankly, she'll be slow to tell you that she really isn't that into you--because she's reluctant to say "no" to you! People pleasers are notorious for allowing a relationship to go on well past time when they've lost interest. You could easily end up being dumped.

 

Now the blunt question: you're two years into dating her and you are just now allowing yourself to ask the questions you're asking? This woman's lifestyle had to have been obvious at three months, six months, nine months. Why were you so slow to figure out--or to admit-- that her schedule wasn't to your liking? That's a job we have to take on in dating--being honest with ourselves.

 

The fact that you are writing about her schedule in such detail ... shows that you're spending way too much energy trying to accommodate her. We want to take people as they are ... their schedules as they are ... right now ... and ask the question with ruthless honety: can I be happy with this person?

 

Sounds to me like the answer is no. And the evidence is right before you in the detailed schedule you lay out. Time to head for the exits.

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Posted

So if you get more serious, what would be wrong with you going to her mom’s, sister’s and the gym with her?

If she is running outside and you don’t run then fine, go for a bike ride and get home and be on the same routine with her.

 

You want her to conform to your desired routine (dinner every day at 6, weekends etc). But what have you done to compromise to her schedule?

 

If she sees you trying to compromise, she may want to do the same regarding weekends. Seems like there is a little power struggle going on and not much effort to compromise on both sides. Are you a team?

 

I am trying to figure out if she works 7 days? Weekends are important if you work during the week. Maybe not every weekend but half of them.

 

I would be more concerned about the spending habits and financial incompatibility. If you have kids and she wants to keep spending on others and your kids, who will be footing the bill?

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Posted
For now, I am ok with the schedule, BUT NOT if we are actually going to be married.

 

I think you need to communicate with her exactly what you would need if you were going to consider marrying her. If she realizes how big of a dealbreaker it is and how this is the issue that is preventing you from moving forward, she at least will have the opportunity to shift something in her schedule if it's important enough to her. But you can't expect her to be a mindreader, all while wondering why a future isn't on the table.

 

I would tell her that you feel low on her list of priorities. Since she hates her job so much anyway, you'd love to see her make a change for herself that might be happier for both of you and healthier for the relationship as a whole--better hours in a different job, etc. That these changes would make you feel more open to the idea of a future, but with the way that things are going right now, you don't feel she has time for the type of partnership you would like in a marriage. Or whatever, just find a way to word it where you are directly addressing the issue of marriage and what you need to feel comfortable at that level of partnership and ask her what she needs, as well.

  • Author
Posted
OK, thanks for the clarification. So she does tell you how much she appreciates you and all of that. That's good ... but that's also probably confused you.

 

You mention the key word here ... "people pleaser" ... Oh man, I've dated people pleasers and they drove me nuts. For one, people pleasers by definition cannot prioritize. Everything is of equal priority. They don't like saying "no." A relationship requires two people working to carve out time for each other. Two people who can say "no" to others putting claims on their time. There's truth in the saying "If you can't say "no," then you can't really say "yes."

 

.

 

I agree. But it isn't always so black and white.

 

Her mom got cancer. For a year she took her to every appointment. Bathed her. Took care of her. And worked the same schedule. So it was commendable, but her other two sisters have their own life and did nothing.

 

I had to drive for 12 hours last week. She insisted to drive with me and then worked a full day with 1 hour of sleep.. So in those ways it is good. Not many women would do that.

 

But yes, the other side is that she is always the one doing everything at work, for her sister, for her mom, for her other sister etc etc.. I told her this many times. She says "Well why aren't you proud of me that I help everyone so much". Its hard to communicate this to her.

 

And yes, she is afraid to tell anyone no.. And yes, that means I don't really know if she is happy or not. She said she wants to change her job "for me", which then I fear will turn into "I changed everything for you". I told her she needs to do it for herself if she ever wants a regular life, and that nobody works 10 hour days every Saturday and Sunday for an entire year. I feel she is afraid to actually point this out to her boss which is very frustrating for me

Posted

yeah, you two aren't compatible.

 

You're going to have to stiffen your spine and end things. You need someone who attempts to make time in their life for you and she needs someone who lets her run free for as long as she needs to.

 

This is what the rest of your life will be like if you marry her----fighting when all you needed to do was sack up and end things with her.

  • Like 1
Posted
Part of me thinks it is also a problem with society as a whole these days.

 

She went to college, acquired debt. Car debt. Credit card debt. insurance. Health insurance. various other bills she must pay.

 

Then she also became used to spending on herself and others..

 

But NOW her biological clock is ticking. "I want a kids and family!"

 

So on one hand she yearns for something traditional, and on the other hand she is "independent". I don't really know if it is possible to easily blend the 2 into 1.

 

 

All of this is really non sequitur unless you are too afraid to end things with her. Shadowboxing with us isn't going to solve your issues. YOU need to find your spine and your voice and end things instead of wasting time inventing a laundry list of justifications to end things. Just do it. She'll figure it out in the wake.

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Posted

Another vote for incompatibility. I also fear that by staying together with her, you're stringing her along. Unless you've a) made it clear that you won't get married with her current workload and b) she's taking steps towards changing it, then you're doing her a disservice by staying together.

 

If this lasts another year or two and you then leave because her life choices don't suit you, she could rightfully accuse you of wasting her time while she could have been looking for someone who's a better fit.

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Posted
I agree. But it isn't always so black and white.

 

Her mom got cancer. For a year she took her to every appointment. Bathed her. Took care of her. And worked the same schedule. So it was commendable, but her other two sisters have their own life and did nothing.

 

I had to drive for 12 hours last week. She insisted to drive with me and then worked a full day with 1 hour of sleep.. So in those ways it is good. Not many women would do that.

 

But yes, the other side is that she is always the one doing everything at work, for her sister, for her mom, for her other sister etc etc.. I told her this many times. She says "Well why aren't you proud of me that I help everyone so much". Its hard to communicate this to her.

 

And yes, she is afraid to tell anyone no.. And yes, that means I don't really know if she is happy or not. She said she wants to change her job "for me", which then I fear will turn into "I changed everything for you". I told her she needs to do it for herself if she ever wants a regular life, and that nobody works 10 hour days every Saturday and Sunday for an entire year. I feel she is afraid to actually point this out to her boss which is very frustrating for me

 

Look, she's not a bad person. Even dysfunctional, destructive relationships have some good side ... Heck even abusers have great qualities.

 

But you need to make the overall judgment. And from the way you tell the story, she would spend time with her mom even if mom didn't have cancer. Come on now. Step up!

 

You gotta find a bottom line ... You don't have one ... I've never seen that work.

Posted

Yes, incompatible. You can like someone...a lot...yet not be compatible. I dont know why marriage to her would even be on the table. She can barely make time for you now. The biological clock deal is concerning, only if she has such a busy life, and seems right now to put you at the bottom of the list of priorities. No way to start a marriage, and definitely no way to have kids.

 

You shouldnt ask her to change, and she shouldnt ask you to change. The point of finding someone to marry is finding that person that you meld with, that you join your lives, that each is the most important person to each other. Do you feel that now? Does she?

Posted (edited)

Haaa, sounds like my ex w , we had the coolest lifestyle and relationship for years. But later on she got so busy new job , long hours on the phone till 10 or 11 every night, people, non stop, never again.

These are some things l love about my gf, even though she doesn't work much or have much money , but eh l don't work much either so if she did l don't , what's the point of my lifestyle and after ex, even a relationship.

l love her around with free time and the way we can live and she does heaps around the place anyway, looks after us too, looks after her, lots of free time. l have too l only work when l want so why not. Most couples couldn't imagine how we live but l could never go back to some busy busy busy type ran of her feet dawn till bed bs 24 7 , no thanks. So l hear ya through and through believe me.

 

l doubt she would be but would she be open to another job better less hours or helping in your business or something, mine does some of that too, works out really well ?

Also then the mum and sis wouldn't matter because she'd be round more anyway.

Trouble is , sometimes women like that just don't know how to wind their life back 10 notches or aren't even open to another lifestyle and changing it.

God knows why, maybe deep down they just like it that way l dunno. Gf and l just love living the same way though , it's a huge thing between two people, you've gotta want the same life.

 

But l dunno man , if she won't , it'll just go on driving you crazy. My ex is working harder than ever, thank god l'm out of it.

Edited by chillii
Posted
Spends every night with me. Great sex.

 

^ this is the issue.

This is what keeps you stuck with a woman who is filling up her time with almost anything to avoid spending time with you,

You are a 40yo divorced man who just gained fulltime custody of his son and you are holding on to this 30yo "prize" like grim death, even though you know you are incompatible.

Sex with a younger woman trumps all...

 

You say she is a people pleaser, maybe she just doesn't want to let you down so sticks around you, but fills up her time doing other things, rather than have to spend her time with you (and your son)...

 

She is wasting her time and you are wasting your time here.

Her biological clock is ticking.

You need to set her free to make her own memories and have her own children.

You have already been down that road..

She is not going to accept your past, she resents you for it... it will just get worse. She is not step mom material.

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Posted

You have to look at this in a practical light and be realistic. Her schedule sounds very similar to most people's I know. You can't take off retail on a weekend. It's their busiest time. People don't just hand out raises willy nilly. For many, there are not yearly evaluations and raises. Employers can't always afford to keep raising everyone's pay. What they have to do is pay what they can and let people go who aren't happy with what they offer and hire someone for less money.

 

Of course, she'll want to see her twin and her mom and her friends regularly. She sounds disciplined and likes to stay active. Can't criticize her for that.

 

This is her. Women shouldn't and usually don't change their lives to live around a man. They can find a man who will be just fine with this. This is her. This is her life. For whatever reason, you resent her seeing everyone else but you and all her activities and even her job. That isn't reasonable, but if that's who you are, then maybe you go date an unemployed woman on welfare who's available to you more often.

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Posted (edited)

Better add op , that mind you our sitch isn't perfect right now l wasn't saying that, we do have some other stuff and she's still up in her state half the time, l've had some issues myself too buttt, the other part of things is most really nice after my ex.

 

 

l also just saw your other post though too sorry missed that one before, which makes it a very different situation to me and my ex. Your gf does sound like a very good hearted woman op , not easy to find. Maybe you two could come up with a few ideas to , in time, get some change happening. You think she'd be open to that , it'll take time because there are jobs and what have you involved buttt, fixable if she's wants it.

Edited by chillii
Posted

All I took from this is that you are pissed off that she works weekends and think she should ask for a pay rise because of that?

She works in retail!! She does not have bargaining power!

 

For half the time you have known her , her mother has had cancer and you want her to spend less time with her? Cancer does not come and go that quickly.

 

You want her not to spend time with other family members ? It’s only once a week???!?

 

And you want her to give up running , her stress outlet?

 

And all you can think about is that she is not free to go away on a weekend trip every now and again??

 

How about you work in sync with her shifts??

I mean that’s what you are essentially asking her to do?

Would that work for you?

  • Like 1
Posted
I sm divorced, and been with gf for about 2 years.

 

She is always there for me, however she is VERY stubborn and I don't feel I can marry her. Tell me if this seems normal.

Very stubborn is never good when looking to marry someone.

 

A. She has worked every single weekend since I have known her. She works retail. During the week her schedule is also difficult, and she usually works about 11 to 7. But she closes the store. So often times she is off about 9 to 10.
Sounds pretty normal for retail. Your lucky if your employer does;t treat you like a disposable cog.

 

She will not ask for a raise, will not ask for weekends off, will not ask for different hours. But she HATES her current job and realizes it is harming our relationship.
Again very normal, why? No one wants to get fired of given the worse shifts or otherwise messed around. If the US you know the reason is health insurance. Also for many people, it's the devil you know.

 

B. She has to see her mom at least once a week. So IF she is off earlier on a Sunday, she heads to her moms.

 

C. She has a twin. So she must see her one night a week. Once again, usually on an earlier day off.

Again pretty normal for people with close family.

 

D. She has debt, but continuously MUST buy her mom and sister gifts. (And me).
Sadly too normal, spending beyond one's means.

 

E. On her one day off, Wednesday, she is busy from 8 am util 10 pm, running errands, shopping etc.
Completely normal given her schedule, but this is where she could make some time for you two. 14 hours seems like a lot of time to run errands, 6 or 8 seems like more than enough.

 

F. 2 nights a week she must run. So if she is off about 7, she will spend those hours running. She will get to my house around 9:00.
You don't really want her to stop this do you? Also 2 nights a week is very reasonable / minimal to stay in shape.

 

Now for every issue above, she has an excuse and quickly gets very defensive.
Sounds like it is an ongoing point of tension so she gets defensive. There are certainly good reasons for it all from her side, but also good ones from yours. We make the time for what we value. Yes, family is important but if she wants to marry you then you are family too. Generally we place (in order) the needs of our children, needs of our spouse, need of our family & friends. Wants get a different treatment.

 

On my end I work until 4 or 5 pm and have every weekend off, even though I run a business and make far more money than her.
That is because you are a can do person who prioritizes the relationship as important. To me there are three "people" in a romantic relationship, you, them and us. The us needs to be nurtured and cared for by both people, time, space and value must be given to the us. That takes work and effort with the realities and life. For me when I say a relationship takes work, it is really the work to support the us.

 

So every night is eating alone, basically only going to bed with her, never having someone to take a trip with etc.
Been there is sucks, you are her support system.

 

But she seems to become hurt and angry that I married someone else before, and will not talk about marriage with her.
Of course you are reluctant, you were married once and it didn't work out. That makes one more cautions not less.

 

When I bring up that I seem low on the priority list, she gets furious, and says how much she does for me.
The question is it true? Does she do a lot or does she just do the basics what anyone would do in a relationship. That is , is she doing the bare minimum and calling it so much (which I'm sure it would be in her mind as anything above nothing is so much)

 

More or less she wants to get married, but still have her job, mom, sis, another sis, running etc, and doesn't understand that to me that is not much of a partnership.
That she can't see how you see it, when your view is reasonable, not uncommon and completely supported by objective fact makes me think you will never be able to resolve differences with her. It's her way or the highway...always choose the highway.

 

She can see your side and still not budge because she may want different things from a relationship.

 

Funny though, you could just reverse the genders here and you have the classic emotionally unavailable guy who places work and activities way above the wife at home who is supposed to just relish the role of cheerleader and support system and that should be enough to fill her emotional and relationship needs. Right down to the buy "her" a gift to say I'm sorry for ignoring her. Of course in the classic works all the time guy, at least the wife at home is financially supported, bet you don;t get that.

 

Am I being selfish?
No

 

Does her schedule seem excessively filled up?
Maybe, but she seems to have no desire to make more quality time for you. I think she is using it as an excuse to be emotionally unavailable.

 

how can I explain this to her better without arguing?

From what you have said I doubt you can.

She is not interested in building a life with you, she is interested in you supporting her. Why in the world does she want to get married anyway? I can think of no good reason. Certainly don't marry her as things will only get worse once she has you on the legal hook so to speak. You've been divorced, you know what can happen.

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