Author acapelo_dp Posted September 30, 2019 Author Posted September 30, 2019 What quality time is it impacting? You are both watching TV? That hardly equates to quality time but mere quantity? He texts his mates because he can’t have quantity or quality time with them? Because in his mind he has chosen to spend with you over them. He gets berated either way. How about you watch tv with your girlfriends or go out with them , he does the same with his mates and later on meet up out or at home and finally have some quality time. ??? It's impacting quality time if we are even out at dinner. I don't care so much if we are watching tv and he checks his phone. We were visiting his dad the other weekend and he was glued to his phone which I found was rude to his father as well. We make sure to spend time with friends too, that's not the issue. It's not like he hasn't caught up with his friends, he talks to them everyday and they only discuss sports happenings since it's NFL season and he is on a fantasy team. He went to his friends place this Saturday and we met up later in the evening Like I said, he travels lots for work so I don't get to see him all the time so yes it impacts quality time
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 30, 2019 Author Posted September 30, 2019 But did he say "I'm sorry for going in on you about my phone"? He still hasn't addressed that juvenile stunt he pulled on you. That's just one instance. Observe this for about two months and pay attention to consistency without you having to say anything. Yes I think I will observe and see what happens. Thanks I disagree everyone has their phones glued to them. When I'm at his house I barely know where mine is because I don't have it on me. I like that he has a life outside me and enjoys PLAYING a sport. But the fantasy football thing is like an obsession Sunday we watched football all day because that's what he enjoys and wanted to do. He was open to doing other things if I suggested but I know he likes it and that was the quality time for us that day, since it was snowy and going anywhere wasn't feasible. I didn't even mention it and just cuddled with him. I can say if I tried to watch my trash shows with him though he would certainly complain.
SumGuy Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Thanks for all the replies. I definitely think not having phones at meals or while out to dinner is a reasonable request. This evening he did say "sorry for this" after answering a text from a friend that took a bit and he did put his phone on the table while watching a movie. So he seems to be aware of it and at least is thinking about it. That is great news. I’m with you on the phone thing but realize other good reasonable people can be addicted to their phones. Sounds like you looked at him overall, that’s good as I can say there are far far worse flaws than this phone use. His making an effort is a very good sign. I’d say responding with gratitude and relaxing up a bit on his phone use is good. For him putting the phone down is a major effort, that he would do it for you is good. If his apologizing I would try to assure him you are not trying to guilt him, it’s more that you want time with him.
Happy Lemming Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 These days everyone has their phone glued to their hand. Not me... I forgot to charge my cell phone and it was dead/off for a week, I didn't even notice. 1
kendahke Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 I disagree everyone has their phones glued to them. When I'm at his house I barely know where mine is because I don't have it on me. . But that's you... and you and he aren't the same person. Lots of young people have their phones glued to them all the time. Plenty don't--and those are the guys you should be looking for, not one who can't keep his attention on you for an evening without going into the DT's for his phone. 1
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Make a rule that between 19h to 22h no phone (or any set of time you chose). When he comes in your place he can leave his phone top down on a table somewhere with the sound off. If he's incapable of doing that then ask him to leave, when he misses you enough to leave his phone at the door than he can come back.
Maddie82 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Make a rule that between 19h to 22h no phone (or any set of time you chose). When he comes in your place he can leave his phone top down on a table somewhere with the sound off. . If she starts making these kinds of demands he'll be out the door before she can blink 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 I had a friend (woman) who was always on her phone. One time we were together and she was on her phone again while I was trying to have a conversation. So I stopped talking, and while sitting right next to her, I sent her a message on whatsapp, and I watched her reply to me right away. I laughed and that's when she realized I was there. I found out later she has social anxiety so I stopped asking her out to public places. She is most comfortable on the phone, online. Sometimes people will use the phone as a shield, or opened up newspaper in front of them, or head down working on a project. It could mean the person needs to be alone. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 If she starts making these kinds of demands he'll be out the door before she can blink If that's what he does then clearly he does not value her much and is defo addicted to his device. 6
Gaeta Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Acapelo: I don't know how old you 2 are, and if your bf has always given his phone more importance or it's a new thing? but I'd say at this point he needs to decide if he wants a girlfriend or a full time media life. We like saying to posters on here it's up to us to teach others how to treat us. I'd say it's a perfect situation to apply that rule. I don't see this any different then a bf wanting to eat in front of the tv instead of eating at the table, or a boyfriend spending all his free time on video games. If it's not viable for you, then don't live with it. . 1
elaine567 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 She has to ask herself if being with a guy who is that obsessed with football is actually worth it. Yes it is kinda cute to spend all day Sunday watching the game to support your man, but it all gets old pretty quick, that is the problem.
kendahke Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 This is more like a substance abuse problem rather than a preference problem. The soothing hit he gets from connecting to his phone is rather like an alcky or a druggie with their first taste of their chosen chemical after being denied it. OP--how long can he go without his phone before he becomes disagreeable and frustrated?
Author acapelo_dp Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Acapelo: I don't know how old you 2 are, and if your bf has always given his phone more importance or it's a new thing? but I'd say at this point he needs to decide if he wants a girlfriend or a full time media life. We like saying to posters on here it's up to us to teach others how to treat us. I'd say it's a perfect situation to apply that rule. I don't see this any different then a bf wanting to eat in front of the tv instead of eating at the table, or a boyfriend spending all his free time on video games. If it's not viable for you, then don't live with it. . I am 29 and he is 28. I will say that he is a good boyfriend otherwise. He always wants to see me, makes time for me and helps me out. His family treats me like family, we do enjoy doing things together like he showed me how to play his sport (curling) and we enjoy hiking, being outdoors. He hasn't always been like this in the beginning of our relationship. I feel like now that we are super comfortable around each other he doesn't see it as an issue. It's more about sports than his actual phone, it's his number one hobby and interest. I get it, but I would like to have some time spent with us communicating and conversing without it even being a thought.
Author acapelo_dp Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 This is more like a substance abuse problem rather than a preference problem. The soothing hit he gets from connecting to his phone is rather like an alcky or a druggie with their first taste of their chosen chemical after being denied it. OP--how long can he go without his phone before he becomes disagreeable and frustrated? If we are out hiking or something he won't look at his phone at all. Otherwise, if it's something where we are sitting (movie, dinner, even when we were at a strip club lol) he checks it periodically or has it by his side so he will check it immediately if it dings. He gets more frustrated at the fact that he does not know why I would get upset at him looking at it if there's no conversation happening or nothing going on (i.e watching a movie). So he just doesn't comprehend why it bothers me at all. Rationally, he doesn't get it.
kendahke Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 He gets more frustrated at the fact that he does not know why I would get upset at him looking at it if there's no conversation happening or nothing going on (i.e watching a movie). So he just doesn't comprehend why it bothers me at all. Rationally, he doesn't get it. Is he introverted? Does he have a short attention span? Get bored easily? Perhaps his phone is his pacifier...
Author acapelo_dp Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Is he introverted? Does he have a short attention span? Get bored easily? Perhaps his phone is his pacifier... He says he doesn't get bored easily. I am the opposite, I do get bored easy. He is introverted but has a lot of good friends he enjoys spending time with. So I would say he is a bit in between. He likes going out with friends and having nights in at home, which is what I like as well. When I had twitter I got rid of it because I found myself checking my phone too much. He checks twitter a lot for news and sports updates, as well as the fantasy league stuff. So I suspect it's become a compulsion now. He likes travelling a lot. He takes lots of travel pictures when he is gone, but definitely does not use his phone much when he is on a trip. So there seems to be times where it's an issue and he is able to enjoy life in other situations (travelling, being outdoors). Or, maybe it's just me? I feel as though I bore him. I have asked him before and he said no absolutely not. So I dunno...
kendahke Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Or, maybe it's just me? I feel as though I bore him. I have asked him before and he said no absolutely not. So I dunno... No. Unless he lies as naturally as drawing breath, it's not you. It's his pacifier.
Happy Lemming Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 It's his pacifier. Do you mean like a security blanket?? I thought his attachment to his phone was more of a FOMO (fear of missing out)?? Either way, I find it incredibly rude to play with one's phone when you are with your significant other. Neither my girlfriend nor I touch our phones when we are together. Unless, its a family member (with an emergency) or a doctor's office, it can go to voicemail and we'll take care of it later. When I'm with my girlfriend, she is the priority... all else can wait.
mortensorchid Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Out of curiosity, how old are you both? I have noticed that the kids (as in age 25 and under especially) cannot look up from their phones at all. I admit a few times I have done this myself, but I have to remind myself to pay attention to others and things around me. Hence Hawaii became the first state to pass laws saying people should not be walking on public streets while looking at their phones for fear of accidents, which are happening.
kendahke Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Do you mean like a security blanket?? I thought his attachment to his phone was more of a FOMO (fear of missing out)?? Same thing. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Out of curiosity, how old are you both? I have noticed that the kids (as in age 25 and under especially) cannot look up from their phones at all. I admit a few times I have done this myself, but I have to remind myself to pay attention to others and things around me. Hence Hawaii became the first state to pass laws saying people should not be walking on public streets while looking at their phones for fear of accidents, which are happening. I am 29 and he is 28.
Gretchen12 Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 If we are out hiking or something he won't look at his phone at all. Otherwise, if it's something where we are sitting (movie, dinner, even when we were at a strip club lol) he checks it periodically or has it by his side so he will check it immediately if it dings. He gets more frustrated at the fact that he does not know why I would get upset at him looking at it if there's no conversation happening or nothing going on (i.e watching a movie). So he just doesn't comprehend why it bothers me at all. Rationally, he doesn't get it. Now this doesn't sound that bad. Would it make a difference to you if it wasn't sports but work? If he's just checking it periodically, let him do his thing. I thought he was completely ignoring you. Even then, with my ex we sometimes each read our own book in bed no talking. It's an old couple thing, haha. I dunno you have to decide which part really bothers you, is it having to wait on standby?
Author acapelo_dp Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Now this doesn't sound that bad. Would it make a difference to you if it wasn't sports but work? If he's just checking it periodically, let him do his thing. I thought he was completely ignoring you. Even then, with my ex we sometimes each read our own book in bed no talking. It's an old couple thing, haha. I dunno you have to decide which part really bothers you, is it having to wait on standby? It is worse when there are sports. Even when he had a group chat planning a trip with his guys friends he was constantly messaging in there and when I noticed he said he had to reply because of planning. That was for a few weeks. When he is focused on either sports or a trip he is laser focused to his phone during the days we are together. When it's bad it is bad. One time we went for a walk because it was a nice fall day and he kept checking a football app.
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 So he just doesn't comprehend why it bothers me at all. Rationally, he doesn't get it. He doesn't need to comprehend why it bothers you, he just needs to be sensitive to your feelings and put it away.
Author acapelo_dp Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 He doesn't need to comprehend why it bothers you, he just needs to be sensitive to your feelings and put it away. I agree, which is one thing we struggle with. I express a feeling and he doesn't see it as rational and isn't sensitive about it unless it has some "rationale" to it. We don't argue often but when we do it is very frustrating for both of us because of this.
Recommended Posts