acapelo_dp Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 My boyfriend of a year is wonderful and treats me very well. However, there is one thing that truly irritates me and that is is he constantly either looking through his phone or has it right by his side in case he gets a message. He has a group chat with his guy friends chatting about sports, checks twitter, sports apps mostly. Not really social media. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he gets very defensive and upset. He will say "well when we are just laying here cuddling why can't I look through my phone ? Nothing is happening I don't see the big deal." Or he will say "you are on your phone a lot too!" Well yea, when I am staring at you on your phone and constantly anwering messages on your group chat I will pick up mine as well to kill time. Otherwise, I will leave my phone for hours. It's just a petty thing. I am happy it has nothing to do with Instagram or talking with other girls, it's literally sports and chatting with the guys about sports. But he gets so defensive about it when I bring it up. He looks at it while we are at dinner. Sometimes he will leave it if we go for a walk but otherwise it's glued to him. We text everyday when not together but it's not like he replies immediately with me like he does the guys. He's such a sweet guy in many ways but we have different views on his as I don't see the constant appeal of being on your phone. Any advice or insight on this?
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Try explaining to him that you feel like he's not paying attention to you & it hurts your feels. Ask if you can both go on a electronics diet for an hour at a time when you are together. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 It sounds like he's addicted to it and feels lost when he's not getting hit. To be on his phone when he is cuddling with you is totally over the top IMO. If it were me, and he was preoccupied on it, I would have that conversation about putting phones away for a few hours when together and if he didn't agree to that, I would get up and leave and I would do that every single time he whips out his hand held device and ignores me. If it didn't stop after that and a few times of up and leaving, then I would stop seeing him because a lifetime of him ignoring me would not be something I would tolerate. Bring some board games over and try and break him of his 'addiction' by giving him something else to do. 2
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 28, 2019 Author Posted September 28, 2019 It sounds like he's addicted to it and feels lost when he's not getting hit. To be on his phone when he is cuddling with you is totally over the top IMO. If it were me, and he was preoccupied on it, I would have that conversation about putting phones away for a few hours when together and if he didn't agree to that, I would get up and leave and I would do that every single time he whips out his hand held device and ignores me. If it didn't stop after that and a few times of up and leaving, then I would stop seeing him because a lifetime of him ignoring me would not be something I would tolerate. Bring some board games over and try and break him of his 'addiction' by giving him something else to do. Thank you. The getting up and leaving is a good idea. If we are just cuddling his argument will be "we aren't doing anything or talking so what's the big deal if I look at my phone?" Everytime. He gets so defensive and asks for specific times on when he was on his phone. Like I don't keep a tally lol I just observe often.
thecrucible Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Thank you. The getting up and leaving is a good idea. If we are just cuddling his argument will be "we aren't doing anything or talking so what's the big deal if I look at my phone?" Everytime. He gets so defensive and asks for specific times on when he was on his phone. Like I don't keep a tally lol I just observe often. Yeah I'd get upset too. You want to feel like he wants to be there and that you get his full attention. It's just bad manners. If you tell him it hurts your feelings, he should take you seriously and at least try not to do it. It could be something both do, to have phone away time with each other. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Thank you. The getting up and leaving is a good idea. If we are just cuddling his argument will be "we aren't doing anything or talking so what's the big deal if I look at my phone?" Everytime. He gets so defensive and asks for specific times on when he was on his phone. Like I don't keep a tally lol I just observe often. Others are offering more moderate suggestions. But I'll tell you what I would do. I'd bring this matter up once (which you have already done) And then the next time this happened (during cuddling--that's crazy!) I would get up, put my clothes on ... and the only thing I'd say is something like, "I'm bored to death here ... I can go to the movies and have a better time. I think I'll do that." While dressing and making my way out, I wouldn't defend myself, wouldn't criticize him ... And the moment I got past his door, I'd do this: I would not answer any calls or reply to any texts from him for at least 24 hours. It's important to keep the matter on your terms (I'm bored here) rather than on his terms (You're ignoring me.) This frames the issue much better. This behavior is just not something you will put up with. You can have more fun in other ways. If and when you do decide to respond, he'll understand how serious a matter this is for you ... and you will have gotten his attention. If he doesn't backtrack, then dump him. Don't get caught up in justifying your reaction. Just say, "I don't want to hang out if you're on the phone." Period. He calls you unreasonable. Just repeat. "I have better things to do if you're going to be on the phone." He's free to date other people who appreciate his phone habits ... so you don't even need to make a judgement that "it's bad" and all of that. Just say this is not what you want during time together, that you can have more fun doing other things if he's going to be on the phone. 3
Gretchen12 Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Would be different if what he's doing on his phone is shared with you. For example he reads out loud what he's looking at and shows you funny stuff on his phone. That would be similar to cuddling and watching a movie together. But in your case you are left out. So you may as well leave since he is busy.
Beendaredonedat Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Thank you. The getting up and leaving is a good idea. If we are just cuddling his argument will be "we aren't doing anything or talking so what's the big deal if I look at my phone?" Everytime. He gets so defensive and asks for specific times on when he was on his phone. Like I don't keep a tally lol I just observe often. Don't argue with him. If you've already told him once that you are hurt when he has so much phone time when it should be the two of you focused on one another then just leave. Tell him that there are more fun things to do than watch him on his phone, kiss him goodnight and do that everytime he spends more than a min or two responding to a text on his phone in your company. He should respond to his group that he's going to be radio silent for the night as he's with you. If he doesn't stop the pattern then you would do well to reevaluate the relationship and whether or not he is the man for you. I wouldn't play at the game of going radio silent on him. Two wrongs never make a right. If he calls you the next day then answer. 1
kendahke Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 It's just a petty thing. then drop it. This ain't the hill to die on.
Beendaredonedat Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 then drop it. This ain't the hill to die on. My advice, don't drop it when it is irksome enough for you to start a thread about. You will be settling for something that in time, will likely cause you much resentment of him. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 28, 2019 Author Posted September 28, 2019 (edited) then drop it. This ain't the hill to die on. I have dropped it for a few months and it hadn't improved. It wasn't such an issue when we first started dating but I think now that he is comfortable with me it's happening more and more. I'm certainly not going to just sit back and not say anything when it's clearly impacting our quality time. Not healthy. He has travelled for work at least one week a month as well since dating, and is going to be away for a competive sport he plays the next few weekends. So we also don't have a relationship where we can always be together. Edited September 28, 2019 by acapelo_dp 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 I suggested to my last bf that we never bring our phones to the table while having a meal and he was fine with it. You might try similar, asking to leave the phone out of certain activities.
kendahke Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 (edited) I have dropped it for a few months and it hadn't improved. It wasn't such an issue when we first started dating but I think now that he is comfortable with me it's happening more and more. I'm certainly not going to just sit back and not say anything when it's clearly impacting our quality time. Not healthy. I totally agree--it's not healthy, and what you're asking for is completely reasonable; but in addition to your reason: Here's the thing: you've told him very clearly that you dont' like it. He heard you (because he popped back at you), but has he changed (is he willing to change) his behavior or apologized for doing that? If so, you can work with that. If it doesn't abate, what are you prepared to do about it? Keep arguing? He knows what you want. You and he have a different definition of what reasonable cell phone usage is. He's got to want to cut down because he wants to put his full attention in the moment with you, not talking sports with his boys. Until the reason of that nestles in and makes sense to him, your dude is going to be on that phone, despite how you feel about it. If he didn't reach for "you're not going to tell me what to do" right off the bat... that's like arguing with an 8 yr old. That's why I ask is this the hill to die on? Edited September 29, 2019 by kendahke 1
basil67 Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 You have made it clear that you're not OK with his constant attachment to his phone. He has made it clear that he's not going to change. It's time to decide if you can live with it. If not, move on. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 29, 2019 Author Posted September 29, 2019 Thanks for all the replies. I definitely think not having phones at meals or while out to dinner is a reasonable request. This evening he did say "sorry for this" after answering a text from a friend that took a bit and he did put his phone on the table while watching a movie. So he seems to be aware of it and at least is thinking about it. 2
smackie9 Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 What was it like when he took you out on your first 3 dates?
Author acapelo_dp Posted September 29, 2019 Author Posted September 29, 2019 What was it like when he took you out on your first 3 dates? He didn't check his phone at all our first three dates. He would have it on the table at dinner but didn't look through it.
Maggiemay1 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 I have dropped it for a few months and it hadn't improved. It wasn't such an issue when we first started dating but I think now that he is comfortable with me it's happening more and more. I'm certainly not going to just sit back and not say anything when it's clearly impacting our quality time. Not healthy. What quality time is it impacting? You are both watching TV? That hardly equates to quality time but mere quantity? He texts his mates because he can’t have quantity or quality time with them? Because in his mind he has chosen to spend with you over them. He gets berated either way. How about you watch tv with your girlfriends or go out with them , he does the same with his mates and later on meet up out or at home and finally have some quality time. ???
elaine567 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Guys who are obsessed with sports, do not make good boyfriends for women who want a companion. Women who want conversation, undivided attention, and someone to actually do things with. He might as well have a mistress, as everything he does is connected to sport, to the detriment of having a real relationship with his gf. She wants a bf who is present in the room with her, but he is nowhere to be found, lost in talking about sport on the phone with his mates and at the weekend he is off playing sport... Great fun. Yes, she could spend oodles of time with her own friends, watch TV on her own, start talking to herself... but then what is the point of having a bf? 1
Maddie82 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Personally i think you are overreacting. These days everyone has their phone glued to their hand. Chat groups, playing games, news reading, kindle app etc. Everything is on our phones. Making a big fuss out of this is just going to cause unnecessary issues in your relationship. 1
Maddie82 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 (edited) He may as well have a mistress....Talking about sport on the phone with his mates and at the weekend he is off playing sport....what's the point in having a bf? So he's a bad bf for talking sports with friends and playing sports with friends? He's allowed a life outside of the relationship. Enjoying sports doesn't make him a bad bf. Edited September 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed quote 1
elaine567 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 So he's a bad bf for talking sports with friends and playing sports with friends? He's allowed a life outside of the relationship. Enjoying sports doesn't make him a bad bf. I said they do not make good bfs for women who want a companion type relationship, not that they make bad bfs in general. It is horses for courses. Here they are incompatible, she wants a relationship with HIM that is more than he is willing to give her. Sport, his phone and his mates are more important to him. Many women thrive on the old "sport's widow" arrangement. They love that he is out of her way most of the time, she has her own friends her own interests and all is hunky dory, till one day, they realise they have grown so far apart that they have literally nothing in common. But the OP does not want to be a sports widow, especially when she sitting right next to him and he is ignoring her...
ExpatInItaly Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Personally i think you are overreacting. These days everyone has their phone glued to their hand. Chat groups, playing games, news reading, kindle app etc. Everything is on our phones. Making a big fuss out of this is just going to cause unnecessary issues in your relationship. This is simply not true. While I agree that many of us have everything in our phones, there are still plenty of people who are not constantly glued to it. 2
Timshel Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 These days everyone has their phone glued to their hand. No, not everyone. Those who do won't do well with those who do not. I wouldn't consider being serious with a man who has his phone 'glued to his hand.' 2
kendahke Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 This evening he did say "sorry for this" after answering a text from a friend that took a bit and he did put his phone on the table while watching a movie. But did he say "I'm sorry for going in on you about my phone"? He still hasn't addressed that juvenile stunt he pulled on you. So he seems to be aware of it and at least is thinking about it. That's just one instance. Observe this for about two months and pay attention to consistency without you having to say anything.
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