bmne90 Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 So me and my girlfriend of 2 months have been fighting constantly as of late. We’re both still in college. I’m currently studying to get my master’s degree, while she’s finishing her bachelor’s, so there’s an age difference. Anyhow, we’ve been fighting about various things since getting together, and I’m not sure where things are headed now. When we’re together, things are great - she cares about me and I care about her. It’s when we’re not by each other’s side that arguments occur. She goes to nursing school, and is juggling between that and working a part-time job, not to mention interning at a local hospital as well. So it’s safe to say that she’s very busy. I understand she’s got her hands full, yet I still can’t completely put myself in her shoes at the same time. I think the biggest problem is that I have an ideal “picture” of what a relationship should look like, and if it doesn’t go according to script, then I immediately think of the worst. The first problem is that she constantly feels she needs to choose between me or her friends, which is one of my concerns. In a relationship, it should never come down to friends or your significant other. And yet here we are. Her friends think she’s changed since being with me, and most of them cannot stand that fact. But truth is, because she’s so busy, she really does not have a lot of free time. And almost all of her free time is given to me and she’s even admitted that she’s given up on spending time with her friends. The second problem is we both text each other frequently to the point where we’re never really satisfied. She feels I don’t text her enough, and that she’s doing all the work. Other times, when I don't get a reply, it makes me feel neglected and I keep wanting more. She claims that given my requests, she cannot handle the stress of feeling that she needs to attend to me while managing her school/work. These types of fights occur once a week, and yesterday, she came over to my house crying that she’s tired and cannot handle the pressure anymore. She claims that I’m basically asking her to choose between me or her school/work. She said if this continues, she can’t see a future between us. I ask her if she wants to break up, she said she doesn’t really want to yet. What should I do, and what’s the best solution to this problem?
Gretchen12 Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Towards the end of your post you stated exactly what I was going to say from the beginning: the problem isn't that she's busy, it's that she feels stress and pressure. I suggest you stop spending so much time texting. If you text constantly, everything you do is compromised. If she's studying and texting at the same time it'll take her twice as long to get through the chapter and with bad results understanding the material due to lack of concentration. Also, texting leads to fights. People text-fight because they can't see and hear each other. Humans have a natural tendancy toward resolution when face to face, because there's empathy and respect when you see the person in front of you. This is lost when you text. You end up arguing over words and it escalates, and you don't know how to stop. Agree on a way to limit the amount of texting, maybe have a schedule, and how to end a text-fight. You need to do a time out and then talk in person.
preraph Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 The first thing I'd cut out is all the "maintenance" texting. What a waste of time and it's making you both cranky. I mean, do adults really need to hear from each other constantly? They shouldn't. You know she's too busy and you're too busy, so can't you both just trust each other and save talking for when you get together. Cut out the texting and you'll have more real time. And you should insist on giving up one of your nights so she doesn't lose her friends. Come on! Just tell her she needs to hang onto her friends. If she doesn't, when she's 40, she'll be lonely. One man is not enough. You need your friends. It sounds like you're both too insecure. It's all going to just come to a head if you don't sit down and agree to slow the pace right now so you can take care of your school/work obligations and keep a balance with your friends and stop just frittering time away texting. 1
winny Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 there is no need to text each other so much. I think part of that time should go towards friends and studies/jobs/goals. you guys should use texting to check on each other 2/3 times a day or send flirtatious memes/jokes... good morning/night... that's it. please do not have long windy conversations on texts. its just useless chatter. instead of so many texts, have a 10 mins call at the end of the day or just meet. and spend the rest of time doing other stuff. you need to have control over your insecurities and stop being so needy for each other. u must set healthy boundaries. please make time for friends, hobbies and other stuff which make u happy so that when u meet her/text her then you are in a good mood.
Ami1uwant Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Stop texting unless there is a real purpose Designate a day where you both can hang out with buddies Fact this is just wo months in says this isn’t going the distance 1
smackie9 Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 (edited) I agree all her schooling and training is where her stress is coming from. Since you both are so busy, you need to manage your time better. I’m with everyone else the texting has to stop. Schedule time when you contact each other , hanging out, and for the love of god let her see her friends. She will be a happier person. If this doesn’t work for you then breaking up would be the right choice. Edited September 28, 2019 by smackie9 1
Maggiemay1 Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 The first problem is that she constantly feels she needs to choose between me or her friends, which is one of my concerns. In a relationship, it should never come down to friends or your significant other. The second problem is we both text each other frequently to the point where we’re never really satisfied. She claims that I’m basically asking her to choose between me or her school/work. She said if this continues, she can’t see a future between us. I ask her if she wants to break up, she said she doesn’t really want to yet. To start with you have been dating for 56 days only. In that time frame it would be considered normal to only see each other once a week for the past 4-6 weeks. You are only in the dating stages and are NOT in a relationship. Yet you actually believe you should come first over her friends?? Sorry! But in early dating , no, she should absolutely be prioritising her friends. Of course she can’t see a future between you! And I’m not surprised. Fighting once a week when you have only known each other a few weeks??? Most discover incompatibility after the honeymoon phase. You two haven’t even got to the honeymoon phase!! Her reasons about being unsure as to breaking up even though you are not a couple are because she was attracted to you but is now confused by your controlling manner. (Something her friends can clearly see as do I) She is likely wishfully thinking it is because you actually like her , and perhaps you do to some extent, but your like of her is less that your like to control her. My advice is to go online and take a test for narcissistic traits. I am suggesting that with respect. I’m not suggesting you have a disorder wrt that. But it might create some self awareness. Best of luck!
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 You both need balance & trust. You have to let go of whatever this "ideal" relationship you built up in your mind looks like. There should be time in a week for school, work, friends, life obligations (laundry, sleep etc.) and dating. That balance requires trust. You can't assume the other person is cheating when they are out of your sight. You also can't expect them to be in constant touch with you. A good morning text, a good night call & 2 dates per week should be sufficient. If you can study, do laundry or eat together that is bonus time. She should have 1-2 days per week with her friends & maybe you can all hang out together every so often: you, her & her friends. BTW where do your friends fit into this? It's only been 60 freakin' days, if you are already fighting, perhaps this is not working. To ask for more of each other's time at this early juncture is Smothering. Cut it out.
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