Meddle Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Hello, I've been seeing a guy, after dainting for a while we were talking about our exes. He told me that with his first ex they were fighting a lot and with the second one there was no trust at some point in general but they broke up becasue she was lying to him. Is that a red flag? I know that badmouthing the ex is a sign that a person may be toxic.
stillafool Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 It seems that you two have been dating a while, you asked about them and he told you the truth. Now you see why they broke up.
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 That is not badmouthing the EX, IMO. That is an analysis of what went wrong, summed up very briefly in a sentence or two. Bad mouthing is going on & on with the blame. If he rehashed every fight or detailed every lie, that would be a problem but the simple synopsis he gave you makes him sound thoughtful, balanced & healthy. The idea that you think what he said was toxic makes me question your analytical skills & the metrics you use to assess a relationship. 3
primer Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 I would only consider it a red flag if he was constantly bashing the ex right from the get go. This instance sounds like it was just part of the conversation.
scooby-philly Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 OP, Context is key. Does he talk about them a lot? How long ago have the various relationships been? How long have you two been going together? Etc., Yes - badmouthing other people isn't a good thing. It's okay to say why things didn't work out and the farther removed from a relationship hopefully the less it becomes "she was a xxxx" or "she was a yyyy". If you asked me about my ex-fiance within the first year we broke up, I would have said some bad stuff but I wouldn't have called her bad names. I would have said she was easily influenced by others opinions, she wasn't affectionate, and she wasn't in touch with her emotions. 6+ years removed I can still say those things of her at the time (don't know if she is still that way) but I now say - it wasn't meant to be, we weren't compatible, and we didn't agree on a lot of important things. So I think you need to consider some additional questions. It could be a red flag, but context is key as I said.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 I don't see an issue unless it's all he talks about. I dated someone like this once. It got really, really tiresome.
kendahke Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Hello, I've been seeing a guy, after dainting for a while we were talking about our exes. He told me that with his first ex they were fighting a lot and with the second one there was no trust at some point in general but they broke up becasue she was lying to him. Is that a red flag? I know that badmouthing the ex is a sign that a person may be toxic. I don't see that as badmouthing the ex--you both were talking about your ex's and he was being truthful. Now, did he go on and on and get over animated about it, or was he matter of fact? Are you looking for something to be disagreeable about? Cuz I'm not seeing it from what you've written. Is there more to this than what you've written?
vla1120 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 If it is for the purpose of comparing past relationships and sharing why they didn't work, I wouldn't consider it badmouthing. If all he does is talk about his exes constantly, then I would be concerned. I dated someone once who praised all of his exes all of the time and told me he would always love his most recent ex before he started dating me. Now THAT was a bit of a turn off. 2
smackie9 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 How can it be bad mounting when you are a participant to this conversation, sharing stories about your exes. Not every experience with an ex is going to be all roses. 3
OnlyHonesty Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 This was not bad mouthing, it was answering a question you put to him. The only redflag is you potentially looking for one that didn't exist. 1
preraph Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 I'd be more worried if she got drunk and had to keep talking about it bitterly or something like that. But it is true sometimes people have a pattern of why they break up and aren't aware their own part in it.
Highndry Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Apparently you don't understand the definition of badmouthing. Time to hit Google.
Ami1uwant Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Apparently you don't understand the definition of badmouthing. Time to hit Google. She likrly need slot more research Why did relationship break up...because of problems with the other person..lying, cheating, manipulative, controlling, fighting, etc.
healing light Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 That's not badmouthing. That sounds like his perspective on the truth of why the relationship ended (she lied, no trust, fighting). That's just human to give his assessment of the situation when questioned. If things were swell, he would still be with her. Be careful of scrutinizing for red flags too much, you'll forget to enjoy the moment and it will create a feeling of walking on eggshells for the other person. Bad mouthing would be if the person harped on and on, usually from the get go, over how terrible their ex was. They'll typically find ways to tie the ex into most conversations, get all heated about it, want an audience and validation that the ex was awful, might go into detailed stories unprompted, etc.--usually because they aren't over them.
Maggiemay1 Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Agree with most others. It certainly doesn’t sound like bad mouthing to me. And the fact that you only know the reasons he broke up with others is because you asked is actually the opposite of a red flag. But I’m assuming it was a simple conversation and nothing more than what you posted?
CollinW Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 That's not bad mouthing at all. This is a weird thread, from the looks of it he should be the one looking out for red flags. 2
fromheart Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Hello, I've been seeing a guy, after dainting for a while we were talking about our exes. He told me that with his first ex they were fighting a lot and with the second one there was no trust at some point in general but they broke up becasue she was lying to him. Is that a red flag? I know that badmouthing the ex is a sign that a person may be toxic. I'd question why they were choosing to be with such a person. It does indicate a problem, to be honest. Just tread carefully, be detached. Whatever a person has been through, if they are applying self work it can correct the problem. But if there is no self work, it'll most probably happen again.
FMW Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Unless there is more than what you've written, I agree with the majority of the others. This was not badmouthing. I WOULD find it a red flag if he refused to discuss his previous relationships or left it at "they didn't work out". Then I would think he was hiding something. As others have said, if he has talked about it repeatedly, then there might be a problem. But from what you've written, he was just responding to your question and not being cagey about it.
emeraldgreen Posted September 28, 2019 Posted September 28, 2019 Exes are exes for a reason. He just told you why. End of discussion. Never talk about exes again.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 Hello, I've been seeing a guy, after dainting for a while we were talking about our exes. He told me that with his first ex they were fighting a lot and with the second one there was no trust at some point in general but they broke up becasue she was lying to him. Is that a red flag? I know that badmouthing the ex is a sign that a person may be toxic. This is only a red flag if he constantly brings her up, otherwise he was just telling what happened/
ExpatInItaly Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 He answered your question. That is not bad-mouthing. Are you in the habit of looking for red flags where they don't really exist, OP? 1
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