thecrucible Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 You'll have seen in my thread on the other board that I broke up with a guy only a week ago. As such I'm not wanting to rush into anything else. I didn't break up with my bf for another guy. So there's this guy at work who I would say I feel quite attracted to, mainly because of his personality (well from what I know of it). He and a couple we are mutual friends with are in a WhatsApp chat together. I stupidly told male colleague I thought the other guy was cute. Ever since he's been dropping hints that the other guy likes me as well. Personally I'm not so sure so I'm not chasing after this guy or even flirting with him. The guy at work is dating a lady from Tinder. Even though he said in our WhatsApp chat that he's not that into her, I don't wanna get involved with what he's got going on as it feels disrespectful. Plus I don't want to look desperate. I was drunk at an event the other night when we were all hanging out and a little vulnerable as I was thinking about my bf troubles. It was only a few days before we actually broke up after not seeing each other for so long. Me and this guy flirted a bit and as I'm too honest for my own good I told him I thought he was hot. On reflection, I felt pretty bad about it even though nothing else happened. Guy from work said he thought I was "really cute" and said a few flirty things, but also that he's seeing someone. I took this as a kind rejection and him enjoying flirting for the sake of flirting (hell we all enjoy that). My male colleague is still convinced he actually does like me but I have my doubts. Do you all think I'm doing the right thing by just sitting back and not doing anything? I figure if he was interested, despite what my male colleague says, I would be able to tell. Also please be honest but gentle...still a bit raw from this breakup and not feeling the best about myself.
chillii Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Well , thing is you say it's only been a week, ahh, that ain't very long and already your messing about with someone else, so soon usually just starts another merry go round. You sound like you need a good 6 or 12mths out to me , really. l think a lot of huge things even life itself 20yrs later on reflection, would've worked out totally different for so many people if they'd have just taken some time out to figure themselves out and just live for awhile.
Author thecrucible Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 Well , thing is you say it's only been a week, ahh, that ain't very long and already your messing about with someone else, so soon usually just starts another merry go round. You sound like you need a good 6 or 12mths out to me , really. l think a lot of huge things even life itself 20yrs later on reflection, would've worked out totally different for so many people if they'd have just taken some time out to figure themselves out and just live for awhile. Yeah I agree. That's why I'm not pursuing this guy. My gut instinct is telling not to anyway. I'm wondering what others think. As I say I do like this guy, but I'm not interested in going straight from one thing to the other and also, if it's the right thing, it would happen naturally. I reckon I do need about six months but possibly less depending on how things go. For me it wasn't a sudden breakup but we were drifting apart for at least three months before it happened and the distance didn't help. I'm not afraid to be alone - have lots of plans for self-development. However at the same time, I'm almost 30 and the age factor is freaking me out. I would go on a date with someone if they asked me but atm not interested in being that proactive about it or in joining online dating.
Maddie82 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 ..still a bit raw from this breakup and not feeling the best about myself. This is why you should not get involved with this or any guy right now. It's only been a few days since your breakup. Take a break. Take some time for yourself to process and heal. You're nowhere near ready yet. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 While drunk you flirted, maybe a bit ham handled but OK. It was fun while it was going on. Now in the cold light of day it's not really going anywhere He has a GF. He enjoyed flirting with you too but knows where to draw the line. He's not interested in cheating on his GF. Sitting back & doing nothing is your only course of action here. Just go back to work. Ignore what happened when you confessed some attraction toward this guy. Focus on your healing. If he ever breaks up with the Tinder woman AND you are still single, he knows where to find you. 1
smackie9 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Why would you assume he was lying about having a GF? I think deep down you were hoping for something, and you are just denying it with everyone. I get it, we have an instinct to fill that void, or get some kind of lift from attention after a breakup. It's normal, so I don't think you need to beat yourself up, or measure your sex appeal to what happened. You were desired, but he doesn't want to cheat...pretty simple. It's over and done, so now try to focus on healing, and doing nice things for yourself, spend time with loving friends. 2
kendahke Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Guy from work said he's seeing someone. This is where it ends. Until he's broken up with her and has had time to process the break so you're not the rebound, stand down. You don't want to be "that" girl...
Author thecrucible Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 Why would you assume he was lying about having a GF? I think deep down you were hoping for something, and you are just denying it with everyone. I get it, we have an instinct to fill that void, or get some kind of lift from attention after a breakup. It's normal, so I don't think you need to beat yourself up, or measure your sex appeal to what happened. You were desired, but he doesn't want to cheat...pretty simple. It's over and done, so now try to focus on healing, and doing nice things for yourself, spend time with loving friends. Never said he was lying. He’s telling the truth. I actually don’t want to get involved. It’s this colleague of mine who’s trying to encourage me. Whereas to me it feels wrong as I said in my OP so we actually agree with each other.
Author thecrucible Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 This is where it ends. Until he's broken up with her and has had time to process the break so you're not the rebound, stand down. You don't want to be "that" girl... I agree. Thank you. 1
Author thecrucible Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 While drunk you flirted, maybe a bit ham handled but OK. It was fun while it was going on. Now in the cold light of day it's not really going anywhere He has a GF. He enjoyed flirting with you too but knows where to draw the line. He's not interested in cheating on his GF. Sitting back & doing nothing is your only course of action here. Just go back to work. Ignore what happened when you confessed some attraction toward this guy. Focus on your healing. If he ever breaks up with the Tinder woman AND you are still single, he knows where to find you. Great. This confirms I have the right instinct. If male colleague mentions again the idea of setting us up, I’ll put him off it. 1
Author thecrucible Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 This is why you should not get involved with this or any guy right now. It's only been a few days since your breakup. Take a break. Take some time for yourself to process and heal. You're nowhere near ready yet. Yeah I’m not planning to. As I said I’m not chasing him. This confusion has been brought up by this male colleague of mine.
Author thecrucible Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 To clarify, it’s this guy I’m friends with at work who wants me to go for this other guy. I personally don’t want drama or to get involved with anyone already in a relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 To clarify, it’s this guy I’m friends with at work who wants me to go for this other guy. I personally don’t want drama or to get involved with anyone already in a relationship. If the person you are "putting off" is this friend who is trying to push the issue of you & your crush, I applaud that plan. If you are putting off the crush, yes if the GF is still in the picture but maybe hear him out if he tells you the GF is gone.
stillafool Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Regardless of what your work colleague is encouraging you are a grown woman and know your own mind. This guy has told you he has a girl and is not going to cheat so it's not going to happen. All you can do is pull back and not wait to see what happens but move on with your healing from your other relationship. 1
kendahke Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Does this friend of yours have an axe to grind with this crush of yours? Seems to me like he's trying to set him up using you. What's their backstory?
smackie9 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Never said he was lying. He’s telling the truth. I actually don’t want to get involved. It’s this colleague of mine who’s trying to encourage me. Whereas to me it feels wrong as I said in my OP so we actually agree with each other. Then you set a boundary with this coworker, telling them to stop talking about it, and that you don't appreciate these kind of comments. If they persist go to HR.
normal person Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 The guy at work is dating a lady from Tinder. Even though he said in our WhatsApp chat that he's not that into her, I don't wanna get involved with what he's got going on as it feels disrespectful. Plus I don't want to look desperate. You should consider why a guy is continuing to date a woman he's "not that into" at all, rather than just simply not date her anymore. If he doesn't have the courage to break up with her, or the decency to let her go before he finds the next person, it doesn't paint a very flattering portrait of him. If he's stringing this woman along because it's the best he can do until the next best thing comes into his life, who's to say he won't do it to you, too? I know after an hour or sooner if I'm interested in seeing someone again, and if I'm not, I'm not going to waste her time or mine any further. This guy doesn't seem to take any issue with doing that. I don't know the intricacies of this situation, but that jumped out at me. Food for thought.
Author thecrucible Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 Does this friend of yours have an axe to grind with this crush of yours? Seems to me like he's trying to set him up using you. What's their backstory? No I don't think so but I'll tell you a little about how our friendship group formed. I sit next to this guy at work (a friend, not into him). He's married with three young children but his marriage is unhappy. He had a close female friend, a long lost love as it were (they kissed but never got together and then he met his wife). Recently they were chatting a lot because her ex was being horrible and controlling. She eventually confessed feelings to him and he told her he felt the same so they are now a couple. Together they helped me feel better about my own relationship problems and sadly my own relationship has come to an end (you can read about it in my other thread). I didn't break up with my boyfriend because of them btw. I was unhappy anyway. So at some point I told him I thought one of our colleagues was attractive (he works at a different site). All four of us are in a WhatsApp chat together. Ever since he's been encouraging me to go with this guy. It started before I broke up with my boyfriend but as I say I didn't break up with my bf to go with this guy. I broke up with my bf because we kept having arguments and I cried all the time. I'm still going through the breakup and it is hard to accept that something isn't working anymore...so yeah this is how it all started! I'm putting my own boundaries up and trying not to get dragged along with it. I figure if the guy really did like me, he would do something about it and I'm not gonna be that person who tries to break two people up.
Author thecrucible Posted September 27, 2019 Author Posted September 27, 2019 You should consider why a guy is continuing to date a woman he's "not that into" at all, rather than just simply not date her anymore. If he doesn't have the courage to break up with her, or the decency to let her go before he finds the next person, it doesn't paint a very flattering portrait of him. If he's stringing this woman along because it's the best he can do until the next best thing comes into his life, who's to say he won't do it to you, too? I know after an hour or sooner if I'm interested in seeing someone again, and if I'm not, I'm not going to waste her time or mine any further. This guy doesn't seem to take any issue with doing that. I don't know the intricacies of this situation, but that jumped out at me. Food for thought. That's a good point. It was a red flag to me too. He basically posted something in the WhatsApp chat about how he's seeing this girl from Tinder but that he's not feeling strongly about her. Thanks for highlighting this. It's made me think a bit more deeply about this. Wait I just found the exact words of the chat. Guy at work: Guys - not sure if I'm digging the girl I'm seeing atm. Just feel doubty. Bob (friend from work): Then it's not meant to be. Just get rid of her. Guy at work: She's like an Irish Catholic. Sarah (Bob's gf): If you're not digging her are you at least poking her? Guy at work: She's not an extreme Catholic - but she has a bit of an RC identity and I find it distasteful. I have kissed her twice but not porked her yet Sarah: Just get shot of her. Shag her and be done with? Guy at work: YES! My aim is to shag her and then withdraw. Literally and metaphorically. [i don't really know if he is being tongue-in-cheek at this point?] Me: That doesn't sound very nice. Guy at work: Bored of being nice. Me: Oh I hope didn't offend you. Guy at work: Nope just being prepared to look after me first for once. Sarah: If you're not happy move on. Btw I've not heard anything about it since we chatted that evening and he said "I'm still with the Irish girl".
Recommended Posts