JosiePosie Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I am feeling a mixture of sadness and anger. There is nothing more I want to do than throttle some good sense into my ex bf's head. We have been having problems since the beginning of August. We would talk about the issues and I figured that we will be able to get through the tough times. During that time, I was experiencing difficulties with my friends and family. I lost a good friend to breast cancer, my mom was rushed into the hospital for emergency surgery, my nephew was hit by a car and killed instantly. There are a few other othings but you get the picture. My bf withdrew emotionally and physically when I really needed his support. He kept saying that he needed time alone to think about things. I feel abandoned by him. My bf and I were together for 10 months. We knew each for about a year before that. When we decided to be in a relationship, everything happened fast. We started seeing each in November 2004, by Christmas I was practically living with him. We share alot of views, interests, goals, etc. I thought this was it, and so did he. Everyone around us were so supportive of our relationship. And the fact that his son loved me made it all the better. I thought I found the man I have always been looking for. Throughout our relationship, we came across alot of issues from his side. Things such as money, work, his five year old son, the mother of his son, last but not least...his addiction to codeine/tylenol and sleeping pills. I had some issues of my own such as self-confidence, self-love, codependency, etc. When he confessed to me about the pill addiction, I was hurt and sad. I wish he could have told me when we started seeing each other. But I told him that I will support him as long as he works to control the addiction, and not hide things from me. He agreed and I stayed. In August, I came across a pharmacy receipt for the sleeping pills. My heart dropped. I confronted him about it and he replied that he did get the pills, but once he had them, he threw them away because he saw how much he has given up to them. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and dropped it. On September 15th, I couldn't take his emotional and physical coldness anymore. I was grieving over things and it was too hard to be at home with an unsupportive partner. So I packed up and left. He emailed me on September 20th, apologizing for putting me through this, that he just needs time alone, and once he sees things clearly, he wants to talk and sort it out. I didn't reply to his email. I have been sooo heartbroken over this. I haven't been eating, sleeping well. I have been crying everyday. Everyone, even his family, have told me that he is crazy for pushing me away, that I was the best thing he has had (next to his son) in his life. And that he has been looking for a woman like me. Since August, I have been seeing a counsellor on a regular basis. I have even joined two support groups (CODA, Love Addiction). There is nothing more I want to do than run to my boyfriend, tell him that I love him, and that we can get through this. And there is the other side that is very hurt and sees that he is not ready to face his issues. That he is not strong enough to really tackle his addiction and other problems. Last night, I picked up the rest of my things. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I guess I am still in the shock/denial stage. I did a bit of looking and found that he is back on the sleeping pills (zoplicone) and tylenol/codeine. I also saw that he logs on to his dating profile, trying to get in contact with an old high school girlfriend, and pulling out his large porn collection. Seeing those things crushed me. I have to remind myself what my counsellor said, that is how he is coping with whatever he is going through. It is not a reflection of me. This morning, I logged onto my hi5 profile. I noticed that someone looked at my profile during last night. I changed mine recently and took out any reference of him. This morning, I saw that he changed his profile to "single" and any reference of me. It hurts to see that. I love him very much as he does possess alot of good things. But it is like he is putting his issues in between us, to keep me away. The last two weeks with him felt like emotional abuse. My counsellor and friends have asked me if I would take him back if he asked. I thought about it and said that the only way I see it happening is if he checks himself into a rehab program and therapy. As much as I love and miss him and his family, I can't be always be the supportive one. I see the good in him and it hurts to see what he is doing to himself. I miss the life we had together. The three of us would do things as a family. We attended alot of functions and it felt good to have that companionship. I can't help but wonder if he is happy that I am gone. So that now he can do whatever he wants without having to worry about me. Sometimes I wonder if he really loved me like he said.
Author JosiePosie Posted October 2, 2005 Author Posted October 2, 2005 Does this ever get better?? I can't stop crying, thinking and missing him. When I think of how fast things changed, a pang of pain hits my chest. One day we are carrying out our daily lives together, the next we are strangers. I try not to think of the good times, the times we have shared. I have been praying everyday for relief. I feel so displaced as I have to find a new apartment now. I just want to crawl in a corner and wait for the pain to go away. I miss his five year old son. Can someone give some words of support, advice? Thanks.
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