jerrygordon3 Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 I've been casually dating someone for almost 2 years and we recently made it official for all the right reasons. We get along great and the chemistry is there, the humor, compatibility. However after we made it official I started to notice she has poor eating habits, doesnt seem to be into fitness like I thought she was, and also, drinks heavily 5+ days a week. I recently brought it up, harshly, following a really sketchy 24 hour period where on a layover she was heavily drinking and taking xanax, and after a message about medics being called, she went missing for almost 24 hours. She was okay and had just lost her phone but I went off. Since then shes completely stopped drinking which wasnt my intention, but iys good. And she also has been hitting the gym frequently. I'm a fitness dude. Competitor. All that. Hard on myself and keep myself in great shape, eat pretty healthy. And I also typically only date people who are similar. Well I've been nitpicking her, mostly trying to be helpful and stuff with the diet and training etc.. but two days ago I really hurt her feelings. I feel terrible. I want her to just be healthy and for us to have that as a healthy fun habit we can share as a couple.. but it's also been effecting my attraction to her, which is really messing w my head. I'm not sure what to do...
d0nnivain Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Harshly telling her to improve her health will backfire. You are supposed to be her BF, not her parent. All you can do is model good behavior -- make healthy meals for the 2 of you; invite her to exercise with you; plan active dates & don't drink around her. If you suspect she has a problem with alcohol, perhaps you need to walk away. At a minimum, if she doesn't voluntarily cut back, take yourself to an Al-Anon meeting so you can learn more about the disease to enable yourself to make an informed choice about what to do next. But do not for one second think you can lecture her into changing. 1
Gaeta Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 I don't know how you could date someone for 2 years, even just casual, and not notice they drink 5 days a week, eat bad, and aren't active. You cannot 'get' someone to care about their health. It has to come from them. Of course it will back fire if you play 'trainer' with her. If she said she wants to make a turn around then encourage her from a distance! don't get involved, let her get her own trainer, don't get involved in her health plan. You're not gonna make a fit freak out of her, she is who she is and it's not fitting with you. I wouldn't force anything if I were you, if I didn't see a real effort then I'd move on to someone better suited to my life style. . 4
scooby-philly Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Totally agree with dOnnovain and Gaeta, First, it sounds like you didn't know this person well enough to understand their lifestyle and habits. Those are major things to be comfortable with in a relationship. If a healthy and active lifestyle is important to you and to have in a partner, you need to really evaluate the relationship. Further, it may be worth analyzing how you got this far and with a person so long not to know this Second - as previously said, you can't make someone change. That's a losing battle all the time. You can encourage them, give them ideas, give them options (hey, go to the gym with me, let's take a walk) etc. - but that's it. It's like gardening. You can't force the plant to grow. You can water it, give it the right amount of sunlight, and weed it/prune it. But you can't make a tomato plant grow a cucumber. I'll share my experience - in the two really long ltrs I've had (2 years +/-) I've found myself with women who weren't right for me. The first one wasn't the personality I really need. related to your story - i'm not uber healthy - but we tried going to the gym 2-3 times a week together - and I could never win. I worked 45min away and she owned her own business 10 mins from her place. If I came home and said let's go to the gym first - she'd complained we were eating too late. If we ate first, she'd complain we were at the gym too late. I couldn't win - and I couldn't force her to be the loving, sweet, kind, affectionate person I need/want. With my last gf (broke up 5 weeks ago) she was sweet, kind, gentle, affectionate - but she wasn't ready for a real, mature relationship and her family didn't want her dating (grad student) so we weren't public with her family. Mistake on my part not realizing she wasn't really ready and not willing to just be herself and live her own live. And in both cases, I couldn't change them or the situation.
Gretchen12 Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 See the positives and not the negatives. I think it's great that you came into her life. She tried to be more healthy. You were a good motivator and can be the angel that changes her life. However, curb your impulse to demand perfection. You have a competitive personality. Don't let a good thing turn bad. Apologize for hurting her. While she learns to take better care of herself, there's a lesson here for you too: learn to be more understanding and tolerant. Even if it doesn't work out, you'd have both learned something. 1
scooby-philly Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 See the positives and not the negatives. I think it's great that you came into her life. She tried to be more healthy. You were a good motivator and can be the angel that changes her life. However, curb your impulse to demand perfection. You have a competitive personality. Don't let a good thing turn bad. Apologize for hurting her. While she learns to take better care of herself, there's a lesson here for you too: learn to be more understanding and tolerant. Even if it doesn't work out, you'd have both learned something. This too. Even if you split - you learned a bunch of valuable lessons.
crispytoast Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Alcohol and Xanax are a helluva combination. I like drugs and I wouldnt date someone who combines those two -- been there, done that, she was great when she was sober and a total cunt when she was messed up. To be honest if I were in your shoes I would have broken up with her. Since I'm not, and you probably didn't come here to hear that, I'll say what everyone else is saying -- you can't change her, you can only be encouraging and be a good role model. She has to change on her own. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Nitpicking and criticizing won't get you anywhere. I agree with the advice to model and encourage good behavior and support it with a loving disposition.
winny Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 So she has stopped drinking and started hitting the gym and yet you have a problem? Just stop it. And try to encourage her. I am sure if we sit here and evaluate your habits, we will find many bad ones (nitpicking and saying hurtful things.. we have 2 already). Everyone has faults. I dont think she is making you feel bad for your bad habits. So stop making her feel bad because of your own needs and insecurities.
kendahke Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 I've been casually dating someone for almost 2 years and we recently made it official for all the right reasons. We get along great and the chemistry is there, the humor, compatibility. she has poor eating habits, doesnt seem to be into fitness like I thought she was, drinks heavily 5+ days a week. she was heavily drinking and taking xanax, and after a message about medics being I'm a fitness dude. Hard on myself and keep myself in great shape, eat pretty healthy. And I also typically only date people who are similar. Well, I'm failing to see how you got with her if she's been this messed up for over 2 years. Well I've been nitpicking her, mostly trying to be helpful and stuff with the diet and training etc.. but two days ago I really hurt her feelings. I feel terrible. I want her to just be healthy and for us to have that as a healthy fun habit we can share as a couple.. but it's also been effecting my attraction to her, which is really messing w my head. I'm not sure what to do... Stop nitpicking her is what you need to do. Either accept that this is who you decided to throw in with and be fine with how she is or reject that this is who you decided to throw in with and end things and find someone who isn't chemically messed up like she is. If she's only cleaning herself up for reasons outside of HER wanting to get clean, healthy and fit for herself, then this working out stuff is just a band-aid on a gaping, oozing wound. If she's doing it to keep you from walking away, then the next time you two fall out, she's going to reach for booze/pills because this clean up didn't originate with her wanting to be clean and sober for herself.
amaysngrace Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 You’re all about discipline and she’s not. Either accept it or move on because you can’t force discipline on an adult. Not even your own adult child. 1
basil67 Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 Given that she's now working hard at getting her life together, I would suggest the thing to do next is to sincerely apologise. Then stop being a jerk. If you need help to stop being a jerk, get some professional help. 1
smackie9 Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 You are making this relationship s%^$$# for her. You are being a damn drill sergeant, micro managing her....that sux bad! If you want her to eat healthy and be fit without the pressure, make it fun. Cook together, buy food together, explore new recipes, eat together, go do fun physical activities, not the gym. Go paddle boarding, nice walks when the leaves turn, light hikes, try canoeing, etc. Make it romantic too!
norudder Posted September 26, 2019 Posted September 26, 2019 You said it yourself you didn't notice these things until you made it official. Is "being official" really what's bothering you so you're picking her apart to put the distance back between you? Maybe that's why you chose a woman with these issues in the first place. Would it be something else bothering you if she started healthier habits or is this the only incompatibility?
Lotsgoingon Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Take people as they are ... and negotiate around the edges. Thinking you can change her behavior is wildly naive ... You're playing the parent role when you bug her about her health. Take her or leave her--as she is. If don't like her lifestyle, leave--and you don't owe anyone any explanation. What will happen if you stay is ... yes, you'll be critical of her ... and you'll ultimately neglect yourself ... because when we become focused on helping this other person (as if they are a child) ... then we lose track of our own needs. I too don't see how you missed the drinking problem. Which makes me think there is something you're not paying attention to or are asleep at the wheel ... or you guys aren't spending much time together ... or you've got major blindspots ... In either case, you've got work to do on yourself. Any chance you grew up in a household with an addict? Sometimes (not always of course) people become blind to addiction/abuse problems because they grew up around it ... and learned to normalize this behavior. Just a question. You're talking about the alcohol and Xanax as if that was some minor episode. It's reckless to imagine this episode away, to minimize it or rush past it. That's a red flag, waving at you ... telling you to pause. We pay an awful price when we don't heed red flags. Most likely you're being overly critical ... because you're ignoring ten problems that are in your face. So when she reaches the 11th problem, you flip out!--because you've got all this dissatisfaction pent up inside of you. Stop ignoring all the basic issues.
BaileyB Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 Please, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The Serenity Prayer She is entitled to make her own lifestyle choices. If you do not like the choices that she is making and having a partner who drinks alcohol in moderation, is physically active, and generally leads a healthy and well balanced lifestyle is important to you... perhaps this isn’t your girl. Have the wisdom to recognize that and walk away. I two find it very odd that you are just now noticing this two years after the fact...
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 You want her to be someone she just isn't, OP. It's not going to work. If you want someone as into fitness and healthy living as you are, you should try to meet women who already go to the gym and are in shape. Her problems extend beyond poor fitness and unhealthy eating if she's mixing alcohol and Xanax, by the way. There is a lot more to this story, I think.
Maggiemay1 Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 I've been casually dating someone for almost 2 years and we recently made it official for all the right reasons. We get along great and the chemistry is there, the humor, compatibility. However after we made it official I started to notice she has poor eating habits, doesnt seem to be into fitness like I thought she was, and also, drinks heavily 5+ days a week. I want her to just be healthy and for us to have that as a healthy fun habit we can share as a couple... You don’t get to know someone by casually dating them! Since you were unaware of her drinking and eating habits I’m guessing you didn’t even date her weekly. Why not? You say you made it official for the right reasons, those being chemistry , humour and compatibility. However now yiu are realising you are not actually compatible so essentially you made it official based on chemistry and humour alone. So you didn’t consider the major things , morals, life goals etc?? And why not? It sounds to me like you are not looking for a partner but an accessory? As a fitness enthusiast, I can only imagine that what you consider heavy drinking and unhealthy eating is perhaps not so to the majority. You “just” want her to be healthy ? That’s not actually true. What you want her to be is the same as you , which is being driven and motivated by rules and discipline but she isn’t and won’t ever be. The likelihood is that she would like you to relax on the rules and discipline and that your outlook on life is to enjoy a bit of everything. You are not compatible. She has tried to compromise , have you? You gotta find a middle ground or go seperate ways. Since you don’t seem to suggest you would compromise your way of life , then you are basically telling her it’s my way or the highway. Let her go , so she can find someone that actually will love her for her and not who they want her to be. 1
Author jerrygordon3 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Posted October 3, 2019 Most likely you're being overly critical ... because you're ignoring ten problems that are in your face. So when she reaches the 11th problem, you flip out!--because you've got all this dissatisfaction pent up inside of you. Stop ignoring all the basic issues. Thanks for your guidance everyone. I've always dated very active, fit women, with good genetics/habits. I dont think it makes me a jerk. It's just how I am, so I am attracted to the same. As far as family history. My mom drank heavily and was sometimes loving, but I remember mainly emotional and physical abuse sometimes daily. Bruises, not being able to go to school, telling people I was sick when I just had a blue face. Dad was in prison and jail often. Yes I've worked through these issues and decided not to be a victim. I have a history of choosing relationships that are abusive and looking past red flags. This woman is not abusive. She is kind. So kind. Caring. Loving. Good to me. So funny. But I'm not super attracted to her. I figured she said she was into the gym, so we could just do it together and she would become that person"". Shes beautiful dont get me wrong. But just not athletic. I love her. I dont want to ever hurt her. But I'm not sure if I can look past that forever, but I also dont want to let her go for this reason alone, cause I feel lile I should just appreciate that I have an easy going, supportive, funny, loving woman. I know she will always take care of me and be good to me. That's hard to find.
Twizzlestick Posted October 3, 2019 Posted October 3, 2019 OP I’m going to say something controversial but it is to try and help. I’ve actually been through a process kind of similar to yours years ago but not quite. You’re clearly fastidious about your health and appearance. With this girl, you define it you “just” want to both be healthy and share that hobby together. I’ll venture that this is not what you think at all. I mean on a subconscious level. Your mind is telling you that’s “all” you want as it sounds more savoury to yourself. The reality is likely underneath you just don’t like it, it’s grinding your gears, you probably feel guilt that you’re this fixated on it and because her being a muncher and drinker and getting a little heavier is turning you off and your mind is now ruminating on it. Not normal level ruminating either. It can get quite ROCD (google it, it has many forms!) ish. Big give away is it’s now got you questioning how you feel about her. You won’t fix it. You’ll always be watching even when you think you’re not. And you also shouldn’t nag her. If it’s really starting to bother you I’d even suggest talking it over with someone as these things can end up really collapsing reles.
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