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My ex boyfriend manipulated me & used me for a type of sex I wasn't comfortable with

bluesunflower

By bluesunflower
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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bluesunflower Member

bluesunflower

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I'll skip the backstory - I have some threads on here about my ex boyfriend and admitting I have gone back to him many times. This time is very different and I am deeply affected by it.

 

My ex has a girlfriend now and me and him have not been in much contact for the past four months, really only when we hang out as a friend group, so we haven't been romantic or even friends in a long time. This past weekend, we all hung out at a friend's house. He drove me home and asked if I would like to get a drink.

 

At the bar, over drinks, he told me that he still loved me and cared for me. He was holding me and hugging me and leaned over and kissed me. I was weak in the moment - here was my ex who I was (annoyingly) still very much in love with telling me exactly what I had been waiting to hear for months. It was a dumpee's fantasy came true.

 

We go back to his apartment, and he convinces me to have anal sex with him. I have been involved with him off and on for two years at this point and have turned him down countless times, even at the height of our relationship, so we never did have anal sex. However, that night, it felt like there was a huge change and I thought surely we would be getting back together after his confession. We had anal sex and immediately after he asked me to leave.

 

Tonight, he tells me that all of it was a mistake and he did not mean any of it and that I am to leave him alone. He said he told his girlfriend and she has accepted it and wants to stay with him. He was incredibly mean to me on the phone, yelling and telling me to get over it whenever I would argue that he told me emotional things at the bar.

 

I am sitting here still in shock. I feel used and disgusted. We've had lows, he's been emotionally abusive in the past, but this feels like something truly evil. He got what he wanted for two years and threw me away afterwards. I think the really messed up part was that he knew I was still in love with him (which he referenced in the speech) so he played on that emotion and manipulated me into sleeping with him.

 

I for sure have myself to blame. I went with him to the bar, I didn't stop the affection, and I did consent to having sex with him. However, that does not stop the feeling of being used and the devastation that comes along with it. I am not sure how I am going to deal with this. I do not know where to go from here. I feel gutted from the inside.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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What a jerk :(. I'm so sorry that happened :(.

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Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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what a douche...

 

IMO.. I would tell his GF.. he lied to you about her knowing about the hookup.. and if you had anal sex bareback and then had sex with her I would guess she would want to know he did that to her..

 

I guess it might be a little bitter of me to say tell his GF but he used you on purpose and IMO he shouldn't get away with it without any consequences...

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bluesunflower Member

bluesunflower

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@cautiouslyoptimisic Thank you. I'm really upset but it feels good to get it out there and to come to this forum. I appreciate it!

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bluesunflower Member

bluesunflower

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IMO.. I would tell his GF.. he lied to you about her knowing about the hookup.. and if you had anal sex bareback and then had sex with her I would guess she would want to know he did that to her..

 

I guess it might be a little bitter of me to say tell his GF but he used you on purpose and IMO he shouldn't get away with it without any consequences...

 

I considered this, and won't rule it out completely. I do also think he's lying about telling his girlfriend. They're long distance and have been dating two months (they met on a vacation) and have only seen each other twice. It seems really unlikely to me that she would stick with him if they had not even had the time together to get serious.

 

The problem is, I legit have no idea who she is, nor do any of my friends. I know her first name because it always pops up on his phone, but that is it. He keeps all of it very secretive and never brings her up, which he told me he did on purpose. She's not on facebook (we've checked his friend list using her first name) so there is absolutely no way of finding her and contacting her.

 

If I ever stumble upon her information, I'll consider letting her know. However, I don't want to be on the lookout for it as I want to leave this behind me ASAP. So, I guess it would have to jump out at me for me to take action (which would be unlikely as I have had him blocked on all platforms for a long time now). But thank you for the advice - I think it is smart to let her know if I can.

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LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

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I'm so sorry to read this, bluesunflower. What a jerk! But, you can be so so thankful he's out of your life now. If he'd do something like this there's no telling what else he'd do.

 

It's normal to still have feelings for someone you dated for two years and loved but rest assured you are much better off without him.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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@cautiouslyoptimisic Thank you. I'm really upset but it feels good to get it out there and to come to this forum. I appreciate it!

 

I'm sure it helps to get it out there and get agreement that he is awful :(. I hope this gives you resolve to break ties permanently. :love:

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bluesunflower Member

bluesunflower

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I'm so sorry to read this, bluesunflower. What a jerk! But, you can be so so thankful he's out of your life now. If he'd do something like this there's no telling what else he'd do.

 

It's normal to still have feelings for someone you dated for two years and loved but rest assured you are much better off without him.

 

Thank you! After this, I am feeling a lot less love for him. To be honest, it scares me that he did this. He gave me this big speech about how he wants to take care of me and how I mean so much to him and then he does this. It's pretty scary.

 

I will feel better in the long run I am sure. Thank you so much for your comment!

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bluesunflower Member

bluesunflower

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I'm sure it helps to get it out there and get agreement that he is awful :(. I hope this gives you resolve to break ties permanently. :love:

 

Oh, definitely. I am a bit nervous because I have said that before in the past but gone back anyway. This time, I really am going to be stronger. I will have to remind myself how I felt in this moment and how easily he used me, with zero remorse.

 

I told my friend tonight that my problem that I had was with my ex, I was always living in the moment. So, if he was nice to me that day, I'd just focus on that and be happy. I would forget all the crappy times from the past. In this instance, I should be dwelling on the past if I am ever tempted with him the future. This truly is a new low, so cutting ties is necessary. I blocked his number tonight! Which is huge and something I have only done for a few hours a while ago. I have had him blocked on all other platforms so there is no way for him to get a hold of me.

 

The only issue I have (which unfortunately is one I've been talking about for a while on other threads) is we share all the same friends (I met him immediately when I moved to a new city and knew no one). I have a few friends outside of the circle, but his friends are primarily who I hang out with, on average three times a week. I have struggled in the past because I don't want to see him and then get sucked back into our routine, but I didn't want to give up all my friendships either and be super lonely. I can see them one-on-one, which I intend on doing, I'll just be incredibly lonely on weekends now. :( (This past weekend I was with them all three days, which isn't uncommon)

 

I need to take this time for myself. I already texted my friend who organized an outing for tomorrow that I can't make it. The few events that I have paid tickets for coming up with them all, I'll have to think about. But, for now, I do not want to see him at all. I'll have to see what to do about the friend group.

 

Thank you so much for your input. Tonight has been extremely difficult and I feel beside myself. Venting really helps.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Oh wow, that's really tough about the friend group!

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bluesunflower Member

bluesunflower

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Oh wow, that's really tough about the friend group!

 

Yeah, it is. :( That's why it's always a risk becoming close friends with an ex's friends. Up until now, we were fine in the routine and although I was seeing my ex regularly, I was doing okay. It definitely prevented me from moving on, I feel like I could be further along in my healing process if I didn't see him every week, but we didn't talk outside of the hangouts and we kept it civil and could even chat pleasantly when all together.

 

After all this, I do not think it is safe to continue my routine. It will be lonelier, sure, but I just don't see how this could work again. Maybe for special occasions, like big events or birthday celebrations. But I cannot see myself ever healing from this if I keep seeing him, even if it's in a group and at a distance.

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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I think one way to know he hadn't changed at all was that he was willing to cheat on his girlfriend with you.

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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

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Yes what he did was evil.

I wouldn't believe him for a moment that his girlfriend knows and is OK with it. He could easily have said that so you don't talk to her. I frankly would not believe a word out of his mouth. Remember you do have power here.

There is nothing wrong (morally) with wanting to see or believe the best in people. You did nothing wrong from that perspective.

He manipulated you, as such people do, and he knew what to say and how to say it. Being trusting is not wrong, even when it is not smart.

Learn from this though, try to separate your belief in what you want a person to be from what they truly are.

It is OK to do that, loving yourself is OK, you don't need to sacrifice yourself for your "dream person" when that person exists only in your imagine them to be and not in how they really are.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Study showed men in general are mostly friendly with exes to gain access to sex.

Women in general are friendly with exes mostly to just be friends or because they want them back...

 

Here he saw an opportunity to have sex and not only that he used it to emotionally black mail you into having the sex you refused before...

He used your love to get what he wanted...

Sex with the ex or making a FWB out of the ex isn't that uncommon.

She sees true love and a chance to get back together, he sees easy sex...

Women need to be aware of that.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Refocusing your efforts to expand your friend circle sounds like the best bet. Best wishes.

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LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

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...

I told my friend tonight that my problem that I had was with my ex, I was always living in the moment. So, if he was nice to me that day, I'd just focus on that and be happy. I would forget all the crappy times from the past. In this instance, I should be dwelling on the past if I am ever tempted with him the future. This truly is a new low, so cutting ties is necessary. I blocked his number tonight! Which is huge and something I have only done for a few hours a while ago. I have had him blocked on all other platforms so there is no way for him to get a hold of me...

 

From your posts, sounds as if you're a real sweetheart, bluesunflower! Your ex sure blew it but you dodged a bullet, imo.

 

I understand (probably a lot of us do) what it's like to be forgiving and living in the moment when someone who has behaved very badly is treating you well. Your heart is kind and wants to believe the person has changed! But, just remember to lead with your head, not your heart, this time. This guy is no good.

 

If you stay part of his friend group (which it seems you're not going to do, good for you!) I believe you'd observe him treating others poorly, too.

 

If he has long-term history with this friend group, it may make sense to remember the old adage "birds of a feather flock together." Although it may take a little effort to form a new group of friends, in the long run you may end up being much better off for it!

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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He used and abused you. You let him in hopes of reuniting. Then he just dumped you again.

 

I beg you to now realize and fully understand that he is not the man who hoped he was nor a man you can continue to give your love to. You need to face the reality that he is not a good boyfriend for you and he's not who you hoped he'd be and the move on and leave him thoroughly behind and block him every way possible.

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Els Established Member

Els

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What an utter and complete douchebag.

 

Be kind to yourself, OP. I'm glad you've gone NC with him, be sure not to waver in that. In the future, stand firm with your hard limits and don't give in to anyone - if they don't respect your limits, they don't respect or care about you, and you really don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't care about you.

winny Established Member

winny

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OP, i completely feel you. I have gone thru similar phases in my life when I fell for manipulative and evil guys and was used and abused many times till I learnt to stay away from them.

 

I have few things to tell you:

 

1. Cut off all the friends from your life who directly or in-directly connect you to this man. It may seem like a very hard thing to do but it really isn't. You will get a lot of peace of mind. I did this. Trust me. It works. Its like a detox. It may feel weird in beginning but slowly you will feel stronger.

 

2. Introspect. Try to find what parts of you need healing. Why you are in love with someone who you know is using you? What are your insecurities and fears? You will have to work on these yourself. You may have to read books, seek help from a therapist.

 

3. One problem with such guys is that they keep coming back. And they try all sort of manipulations to trap you again. So block him. Make it impossible for him to get in touch with you.

 

4. Find new friends. If you can't, be alone. Get a pet or some plants.. spend time taking care of them. Volunteer and help others who are less fortunate than you. Pray. Speak to your parents and siblings or anyone that you know truly loves you and cares for you.

 

5. Make some future plans. Some goals - whether higher education, better job, fitness goals.. whatever it is that you want to achieve and put your focus there.

 

You need to be mentally fit, physically fit, have some amazing goals and surround yourself with loving and positive people. Believe me, your self confidence will grow and you will not fall in traps of such weirdos.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Refocusing your efforts to expand your friend circle sounds like the best bet. Best wishes.

 

I agree with this. It's never a good idea to only have friends who are connected to a bf/gf because of cases just like this. You break up and now you only have his friends to hang out with when you should have your own. It's different with married people who know they are going to be in each other's lives for the long haul. I always keep 3 sets of friends because ya never know.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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I'm sorry you got caught out by this unscrupulous guy, OP. He sounds like the sort who manipulates people not necessarily to get what they want but to prove that they can. This is why it is so hurtful, you realised it was a power play. One thing you can learn from this is how to spot such people and not be swayed by superficial charm. They can sound wonderful when turning on the charm but, over a period of time, they show their true colours.

 

I don't think you should blame yourself for this in any way. You are a trusting, decent person, and there is nothing wrong with that. If there is any wrong here, it is this low life who will find himself paying the price for his abusive behaviour at some point.

 

I agree with other posters that it is best to block him and cut him off where possible. Maybe consider gradually building another social circle. It is true that birds of a feather flock together and I wonder about the character of those friends if they tolerate a jerk like him.

 

However, because this guy manipulates to prove he can, I would be very tempted not to remove myself entirely from his social circle, but to stick with my genuine, good friends and to make damn sure he does not get a second chance to manipulate me. By the sound of it, this guy will try again, especially if you seem to be having fun with others. Knowing I was going to turn him down if he even tried to speak to me would be quite gratifying. But, it is your choice how to deal with him.

 

I think once you have recovered from this guy's toxic 'affections', you will find someone special who treats you with respect. It's a hard lesson but you know what kind of person to avoid now and you sound very insightful. I think you are a strong person who can use your experiences to make a better life for yourself.

Edited by spiderowl
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Beendaredonedat Established Member

Beendaredonedat

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I for sure have myself to blame. I went with him to the bar, I didn't stop the affection, and I did consent to having sex with him. However, that does not stop the feeling of being used and the devastation that comes along with it. I am not sure how I am going to deal with this. I do not know where to go from here. I feel gutted from the inside.
I kindly suggest you go to a therapist to help you figure out why you keep going back to this guy and why you allowed yourself to do such things with him when you were not even in a committed relationship.

 

He's a jerk and an A-class A-hole for sure and you know that but you still decided to go for a drink with him, you allowed him to schmooze you into bed and you acquienced to something that you wouldn't even do with him when you were a committed couple. That says something about your lack of personal boundaries, your confidence and your self-worth that you would do well to look into so that you don't allow such treatment of yourself again.

 

I understand that you are addicted to him (which you call love) but when someone is off and on with you, its natures way of telling you that you are with the wrong person and it's time to leave them whether you love them or not. Love is more than a feeling, it's an action word that shows you without a doubt that you are valued and respected. You leave men that don't make you feel safe in those things... you don't go back to them.

 

First thing you do is forgive yourself for not loving yourself enough to get yourself away from his bs (he is in a relationship afterall and that should have been enough knowledge for you to step away from the schmooze he was laying on you, he was not free to be with you so why be with him?

Second thing you do is look into counselling to help you hone your self-confidence, to learn about personal boundaries (google that for sure) and to love yourself enough to get yourself away from men that you are "on and off" with for good. If you're on and off you're certainly not being shown love and value.

 

I'll add that you have to believe that you deserve more than what you got from this guy and you have to learn how to love you so that this kind of guy doesn't schmooze you yet again in your dating future. A therapist will dig deep to find out what is missing in you that led you to allow him to do this to you.

 

That being said: May a thousand fleas infest his man parts in the meantime.

 

Feel better soon and you will when you forgive yourself. You will forgive yourself when you realize that all of it could have been avoided had you just told him you would be glad to have a drink with him when he was single and turned himself into a good guy instead of the masher you have discovered that he is and got up and left.

Edited by Beendaredonedat
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mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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Yikes. Resolve to steer clear of this guy.

 

People probably won't like this suggestion, but since you know he'll be back, once you truly have your confidence back, you could let him talk you into going into a bar and then leave with someone else (not necessarily to do anything, but he won't know that). That should stick in his craw pretty well.

 

But really the mature (and correct) thing is to do whatever you need to do to emotionally heal from this and move on completely.

 

If you do ever encounter him again, realize that A) he'll almost certainly never change and B) if he claims he did, let him apologize but then have nothing further to do with him. Life's tough enough without people like this in it.

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bluesunflower Member

bluesunflower

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I think one way to know he hadn't changed at all was that he was willing to cheat on his girlfriend with you.

 

Agreed! It felt real in the moment, but I should have just looked at all our past history.

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bluesunflower Member

bluesunflower

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Yes what he did was evil.

I wouldn't believe him for a moment that his girlfriend knows and is OK with it. He could easily have said that so you don't talk to her. I frankly would not believe a word out of his mouth. Remember you do have power here.

There is nothing wrong (morally) with wanting to see or believe the best in people. You did nothing wrong from that perspective.

He manipulated you, as such people do, and he knew what to say and how to say it. Being trusting is not wrong, even when it is not smart.

Learn from this though, try to separate your belief in what you want a person to be from what they truly are.

It is OK to do that, loving yourself is OK, you don't need to sacrifice yourself for your "dream person" when that person exists only in your imagine them to be and not in how they really are.

 

Thank you for your input. It was really nice to hear that there is nothing wrong with me for believing the best in people. I've been pretty hard on myself and just feel very stupid and angry with myself. It's been a difficult internal battle but hopefully it'll turn around soon. I also think that he didn't actually let her know. He said she has accepted it, which is very hard to believe. Thanks again - your comment was really nice. :)

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