Ika_Lisou Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 Hi guys! I would really appreciate any comments from people who went trough something similar I'm going trough. All of my friends and my sisters are in longterm relationships from when they were in high school. So I feel like nobody really understands what I'm going trough. Thanks in advance <3<3 I was with a great great guy for about a year. We had so much fun together, had great conversations, we could really lean on each other and I met all of his people. There was just one big problem: his ex hurted him pretty bad and he wasn't over that. He was afraid to get hurt again and it made him afraid to really commit, while he wanted to at the same time. One evening he called my sister, to tell her he finally wanted to meet her and her boyfriend and asked her if we could come over for dinner. So my sister cleaned the house, made dinner. But when we were about to leave to her place he started panicking. He was about to vomit and started sweating. 'I'm so worried they won't like me' and stuff.. 'I can't go all in with someone again, cause I can't ever hurt like I did again. So.. we didn't go. I ended up apologising at my sisters doorstep. Solo. Of course I told him I wasn't going to hurt him and I'm not like his ex and I really like him. But words don't count I guess. It hurts, but I just saw this amazing guy behind all the pain and anxiety so I gave him all the time I thought he needed. So about two months ago I asked him what we were doing exactly. I am not a pushy kinda person. I don't like to pressure people, but I wanted to know if he was willing to work on himself and be serious. Cause I didn't want to stay longer and longer, cause I was already in pain, and didn't want it to get worse. That's when he told me he couldn't give me what I wanted, but that I couldn't leave his life, "cause what we have is something we can not lose. I never felt this good with someone and I want to take you everywhere and to be with you all the time." After that he told me with a straight face that he needed (when in love) to feel jealous all the time and worrying that the girl he is with is about to cheat on him. And because he didn't feel that with me so he couldn't be in love. He told me he didn't feel the attraction anymore, that he didn't feel the need to kiss me. - I felt beaten and didn't know what to say. But that's when he started kissing me suddenly and pushed me against the wall and asked me if I wanted to come to his family day the next day to meet everybody and If we could book a trip to Spain together for the summer. I was done. I was having an emotional whiplash... If you don't want to lose me, you've got to commit or at least work on yourself. So I left. I told him to leave me alone. He called me everyday for weeks. Left me a voicemail about how much he misses me. But nothing about commitment... I went 'no contact' to save myself from more pain. And only last week I managed to get myself to delete him off social media. The next morning he already sent me friend requests. I have a hard time understanding how someone can be trying so hard to keep you in his life, watch everything you do. But won't commit. I am hurting so bad cause he sounds like a real dick from this story I guess. But I really love him. Despite his behaviour he is a good guy. He was there for me when I needed him. I can't stop thinking: Should I have given him more time to heal from his past? Or did I do the right thing. I can't help but think about him everyday. I miss him and I really wish there was hope for us. thanks for anybody listening to me.
basil67 Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 The person who wants you in their life but won't commit does so because of selfishness. Nothing more, nothing less. Waiting for him to heal from his past may have been helpful if he acknowledged his problem and was actively working to address the issues, but it doesn't sound like this was the case. Thing is, bad stuff happens to us all. And it's how we react to it which shows what we're made of. Your ex lacks resilience - stuff goes wrong and he falls to pieces and backs away from anything involving risk. This is unlike you who is strong, makes decisions, uses boundaries, has recognised a bad relationship and will move on with life and undoubtedly love again. I know it hurts now, but you've got what it takes. He doesn't.
d0nnivain Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 He can't be alone. He was with you after his break up as a rebound. . .you were there & there was a hole in his life / heart. He said the right things but he really wasn't ready. Stay strong & keep up NC, especially on social media. You don't nee front row seat to his next relationship. No self respecting new guy will be happy to find out your EX is still your social media friend. I'm sorry but the part I can't get over is him calling your sister & inviting himself over to her place for dinner. How rude! I'd dump anybody who did that to my family. Yikes.
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