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How do you know when you've worked on yourself "enough"?

Wasting Light

By Wasting Light
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Wasting Light Established Member

Wasting Light

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I've never bothered trying to date because I've always felt I had a lot about myself to work on, in general and also in order to be a good partner for a girl, and I'm still working. But there's always going to be something else to work on, right? No one is ever done working on themselves, right? There's always the next thing and then the next thing and then the next thing, and so on. So how do you know when you've worked on yourself "enough"?

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Wasting Light Established Member

Wasting Light

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There is never enough... imo

 

I mean enough to be a worthwhile partner to someone.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Well, once you meet somene, then you will find all sorts of new things to work on in order to get along with them and we don't all master that. I would say when you are ready to date, you will begin attracting some women. So keep your eyes open for any that voluntarily talk to you outside of the business context.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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If you've never dated how do you know what to work on?

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scooby-philly Established Member

scooby-philly

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OP,

 

Would be helpful to know your age.

 

Look - no one is ever perfect. The question about a relationship is are you perfect for each other, do you support each other, do you want the same things as each other.

 

I've had the pleasure of working with or casually meeting lots of people from different walks of life. Highly successful business people making loads of $, thought leaders in theology/philosophy, leaders in social justice, education, etc. - not one of them is perfect and not one who was honest and real would say there isn't something about themselves they're not working on or would like to change.

 

And relationships take experience and practice - you won't know how to be in one until...you get in one!

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Wasting Light Established Member

Wasting Light

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If you've never dated how do you know what to work on?

 

Everyone's got stuff they want to improve about themselves, right? And I never hit it off with any women that way so I always figured I must have to keep working on me.

 

OP,

 

Would be helpful to know your age.

 

Early 30s

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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If you don't have major character flaws then I don't get this 'working on yourself'. We evolve with time and with experiences. At 53 I am not like when I was at 30, it's not because I worked on myself, it's because I lived, experienced different situations, learn from them and adjust along the way.

 

 

 

If you have a hard time meeting women and maintaining their interest it's a completely different subject.

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Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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You're enough as you are.

 

All relationships give you more info on what aspects of yourself could use improvement.

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Gretchen12 Established Member

Gretchen12

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I have no idea what people work on when they work on themselves. Is it some stuff in self help books? I've never opened one of those and have no idea what's in them. Can you give an example of something you worked on?

mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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You're absolutely right that there's always something that can be improved on. So, no time like the present IMO to try reasonably meeting your own needs.

 

In terms of attracting women, are you working on improving the right things? Here's a thread that might help (and there is another linked within it):

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/690620-what-do-women-find-attractive

 

Self-improvement can mean a lot of different things. I hope you realize it's possible to spend years "perfecting yourself" for some hypothetical women only to start dating and find out that women are only human and many if not the vast majority are flawed in minor and in some cases quite major ways.

 

It would also be a tragedy to spend years "perfecting yourself" only to start dating and happen to run into some of the "sexy trainwreck" types out there who can lure you in with great sex etc but then turn way WAY crazy or who turn to you as rebound but then go back their ex or who simply use you for validation and then discard you, etc.

 

Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of great women who you might find what you're looking for (I assume a LTR) with. But there's no sense putting things off when chances are you'll have to roll with at least a few major punches before finding that.

 

It's also worth pointing out that a woman who's REALLY right for you will probably be accepting of who you are.

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Wasting Light Established Member

Wasting Light

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I have no idea what people work on when they work on themselves. Is it some stuff in self help books? I've never opened one of those and have no idea what's in them. Can you give an example of something you worked on?

 

There's lots of things to work on, lol! Me, I try to learn about and work on social skills, how to be personable, more interesting, funny, charming, I think about ways I could make myself more physically attractive, I focus on developing a career, on finances, living situation, and so on and so on.

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Wasting Light Established Member

Wasting Light

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You're enough as you are.

 

It's also worth pointing out that a woman who's REALLY right for you will probably be accepting of who you are.

 

That's both uplifting and sort of sad at the same time, lol.

Gretchen12 Established Member

Gretchen12

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There's lots of things to work on, lol! Me, I try to learn about and work on social skills, how to be personable, more interesting, funny, charming, I think about ways I could make myself more physically attractive, I focus on developing a career, on finances, living situation, and so on and so on.

 

Seems to me only the career, finances and living situation are stuff people should work on a bit. The other things you listed.. why do you believe you're not, for example, already charming? I think you only need to please yourself. It's like the girl with anorexia thinks she's not thin enough but others can see she's thin. If you're not self satisfied, there's no "enough".

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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When you stop taking the bait on things that used to trigger you.

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Wasting Light Established Member

Wasting Light

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why do you believe you're not, for example, already charming?

 

Because no one has been "charmed" by me so far. Seems like I still need to learn a lot in that area, wouldn't you say?

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I skipped back through your threads to find context and found this What Hope Does a Horrible Person Have?

 

Have a read of it now and tell us what has changed since you wrote it. If you still feel the same, then I would agree that you have no business dating. But if you've come a long way, then it's cause for considering putting yourself out there.

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Wasting Light Established Member

Wasting Light

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I skipped back through your threads to find context and found this What Hope Does a Horrible Person Have?

 

Have a read of it now and tell us what has changed since you wrote it. If you still feel the same, then I would agree that you have no business dating. But if you've come a long way, then it's cause for considering putting yourself out there.

 

I was in a dark place, then. I eventually started thinking more positively. :D

chillii Established Member

chillii

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There's lots of things to work on, lol! Me, I try to learn about and work on social skills, how to be personable, more interesting, funny, charming, I think about ways I could make myself more physically attractive, I focus on developing a career, on finances, living situation, and so on and so on.

 

 

 

 

Sounds like you should chill the fk out to me stop wasting life away and go get out there, live, maybe even find yourself a gf, be yourself.

What you think she's gonna be perfect , ahh, sorry, that ain't gonna happen. don't think l'd want miss perfect anyway, sounds pretty boring to me.

But 30s , holy hell start enjoying yourself man or you'll wake up and it'll be gone. life's just a work in progress , and humans are to the end too .

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Foxhall Established Member

Foxhall

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Yes getting out there, striving for things, taking new things on, before you feel ready is a good motto,

 

 

you might never be "ready" but you will improve only by experiencing.

Rayce Established Member

Rayce

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I have no idea what people work on when they work on themselves. Is it some stuff in self help books? I've never opened one of those and have no idea what's in them. Can you give an example of something you worked on?

 

I had a boss that was had a side hobby of psychology. I hated working for her because it was all about "working on ourselves". She called it emotional intelligence and yes it meant reading a bunch of books with titles like.... "who ate my cheese" or "how to not give a F***". It also means working on soft skills like communication and providing constructive feedback, stuff like that. I hated working for her because I was hired to write code and that was not what I was doing.

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Wasting Light Established Member

Wasting Light

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What you think she's gonna be perfect

 

Not at all! If no one has been attracted to me for me yet, though, wouldn't that mean I still have a lot of work to do on myself?

scooby-philly Established Member

scooby-philly

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Not at all! If no one has been attracted to me for me yet, though, wouldn't that mean I still have a lot of work to do on myself?

 

OP,

 

Seems like the only thing you need to work on is calming down and trying your luck. You could be sending the wrong vibes if you're anxious and low self esteem. Just do it. And try mixing up how you meet women and dont just talk to one person at a time

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Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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I always used my humor and how much I laughed in life to know when I needed work and when it was enough.

 

If I wasn't laughing and my humor wasn't there (it has always been a big part of my life/personality) then I knew I wasn't happy with where I was and worked till I laughed again or made others laugh again..

 

Funny this thread came around at this time, I have noticed I'm not laughing enough anymore or cutting up.. that means I need to look in to see what's up.. thanks for the thread...

MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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Maybe the thing you need to 'work on' most is to stop swallowing the BS that gets rammed down our throats to make us feel inadequate. Every day, in hundreds of ways, we receive subliminal messages through media that we're just not "enough". Ignore it, many of the people who put that stuff out there, people in advertising, tv, the media in general, are so full of coke it's a wonder they don't exploded in a puff of self-important delusion. Stop giving a $--t what other people think, and you'll find life's much less stressful.

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