Taryanoriley Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 So we’ve been dating for 5 months. He loves me and I love him but since day one he would say things like you’re fat( I’m actually not even close to fat), I’m old (2 years older than him) and talks about other girls saying they’re hot in front of me. He knows he is making me mad and he told me is just saying those thing on purpose. Why is he doing this???? I always tell him if I’m so not your type then leave!!! He knows I have low self esteem and get easily triggered by words:(
d0nnivain Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 I have no idea why he's doing this. Perhaps he's just a mean nasty person or he's immature. What I want to know is why you are letting him? If my SO called me fat & was serious in that insult, he'd be my EX. 3
crispytoast Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 It's called negging and it's pickup artist bull **** that's intended to control women who have low self-esteem. If he was doing this from the start it's not going to get any better. No advice that we can give you will change him. Imo you should leave this prick and spend some time single figuring out how to improve your self-image. Also your name is awesome 6
Foxhall Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 So we’ve been dating for 5 months. He loves me and I love him but since day one he would say things like you’re fat:( Why do you love him? and how do you know he loves you? 2
d0nnivain Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 OMG. Assuming crispytoast is right (& I believe he is) & this is deliberate because your "BF" is employing some BS "learned" behavior, you really need to get away from this guy Swedishfishy. I put BF in quotes because no man who genuinely cared about you would intentionally undermine you. You don't love him. You are just so starved for affection you mistake the crumbs this guy throws at you occasionally as love. It's not. You will be better served getting counseling to improve your self esteem. Because he's doing this deliberately & you are easily triggered he will damage your fragile ego even more if you don't break up with him soon. 2
basil67 Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 He couldn't do it to you if you dumped him and blocked him from your life. Please dump him. 2
RecentChange Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 Swedishfishy, you are asking the wrong questions. Why do you allow yourself to be treated poorly? Why do you invite men into your life that disrespect and insult you. Why do you choose to "love" someone who is mean to you? This is now the second completely unhealthy border line abusive relationship you have posted on this board. Both of those relationships have something in common - you. You picked these men? These crappy men. Why? What was your father like? Is he caring and loving? Did you parents have a good or bad relationship? When I read your post I can't help but think that a healthy relationship has never been modeled for you, and that you have no idea what one looks like. What you are describing isn't love. It's codependency, it's grooming for abuse. It's not healthy and it's not okay. If a man insulted me I would tell him to stick it where the sun didn't shine and kick him out of my life. I wouldn't wonder why he said it. I would wonder why I was such a bad judge of character to allow him around me in the first place. 4
Highndry Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 (edited) This guy is a big time loser. I have no idea why you'd even want to date him when there are other guys such as myself who would never dream of doing such thing. What you should do is dump him immediately and forever, but at the same time point to his "negging" as one of the main reasons. It will be fitting that his PUA act blows up in his face and actually costs him a relationship he apparently was so desperate to get into in the first place. Edited September 25, 2019 by Highndry
snowboy91 Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 I always tell him if I’m so not your type then leave!!! He knows I have low self esteem and get easily triggered by words:( There are 2 people in this relationship, each able to make their own independent decisions. You say that he should leave if he's unhappy... what about you? You sound unhappy, and you can make your own decision as to whether you want to continue putting up with this. As in, you are also allowed to decide you want to leave. He doesn't dictate what you do.
BaileyB Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 So we’ve been dating for 5 months. He loves me and I love him but... To put it bluntly, someone who truly loves you doesn’t say mean things and put you down. I always tell him if I’m so not your type then leave!!! What’s keeping you from leaving? Why are you waiting for him to make the decision - if you don’t like how he talks to you, there is nothing stopping you from walking away... Why is he doing this???? Again, put simply - because you allow it. Because you stay. 1
Art_Critic Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 It's called negging and it's pickup artist bull **** that's intended to control women who have low self-esteem. CrispyToast is right.. it's negging... What a putz... make him your ex 1
Art_Critic Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 BTW, negging is just plan and simple manipulation, playing off the negative emotions of women who don't feel good about themselves or taking that negative and tweaking it till they get the girl to respond with whatever they are looking for, sex or to get closer to sex... 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 You say he loves you then you proceed to give me solid evidence that he does not love you. What's going on? I think the truth is supported by evidence not hearsay.
Versacehottie Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 I don't want to point out the obvious but the bigger problem and it's solution: why don't you do something about having low self-esteem? That sort of problem will follow you around no matter what/who. Also it is a little ironic to be complaining that your bf is a sh*t and that he should accommodate and keep in mind your low self esteem. Maybe you just worded it funnily. Anyway, a good start to build your self esteem is to take a step in a direction that will improve your life--even if it is hard. Lots have suggested breaking up with your boyfriend. If that step is too big, break it into smaller steps that you can accomplish and be proud of. such as take definitive, steps to 'contemplate' a breakup like make a con list, a brainstorm of what you would do to fill your time or get through the breakup, an action plan. Then tackle the next step. Take a course that builds self esteem or read a book on that and do exercises that work on that. Take action basically. You can't expect others to treat you well if you don't treat yourself well. That rarely, if ever, happens. Good luck
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 He doesn't love you, OP. You don't love you either, which is the bigger problem. You don't need to wait for him to leave. You can decide you don't want to date losers and get rid of him. 2
fromheart Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 The question is why are you choosing to be intimate with an abusive person? He is in the wrong, but you are also allowing such a person in your personal space. Get rid of him, and never allow these people to get close.
Calmandfocused Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 I disagree with the majority of responses here. This is not negging, that is entirely different. This is the start of verbal and emotional abuse. He’s motivated by trying to hurt/ harm you, therefore he is abusing you. It starts like this op then it gets worse and worse. Get away from him quickly before he completely erodes your self esteem. 3
stillafool Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 It's not a matter of "Why" he says and does these things to you. It's a matter of why are you with a man who has little respect for you and doesn't love you? You are the one who should protect your feelings and move on to someone who values you. 3
scooby-philly Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 I couldn't agree more with the vast majority of responses here. A mature, healthy, and caring man would never insult his SO - even in private. There is no fine line between teasing and insulting, despite what you or others may think. Simply put he's conditioned for some reason to talk down to you and insult you. That behavior does not change over night and it's not your job to fix him. Say goodbye to this one and as one or two people mentioned, once you break up, use the alone time to discover yourself and why you would put up with that sort of behavior more than once. Mature, healthy, and caring men compliment their SO, they champion them, they support them, they care about them. 1
PegNosePete Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 since day one he would say things like you’re fat( I’m actually not even close to fat), I’m old (2 years older than him) and talks about other girls saying they’re hot in front of me Goodness, if he did that on day 1, how did you make it to day 2? Anyone with any self esteem would never have been on a 2nd date with such a douchebag. This kind of behaviour doesn't change or get better! He is simply a douche, and always will be. The only thing you can do is dump him and find someone who treats you with respect. It's called negging Negging is supposed to be kind of half-insult half-compliment which shows interest but makes the woman qualify herself. For example rather than "you're fat", negging would be "you're quite hot, if you lost a few pounds you could be a model". I don't think this guy is negging, he's just a douche. Or if he's trying to neg, he's doing it wrong. 2
smackie9 Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 Since you are inexperienced with relationships, that makes you a target for abuse. He intentionally picked you to bully you. He has a low sense of self, so he uses abuse to feel superior. This is a sick individual, and he is abusing you. This is not a display of love, he doesn't love you in a sense of what love truly is. True love is unconditional, and acceptance. know the difference. It's the actions of someone you need to go by....he insults you, to make you feel helpless to him, that no one would ever date you but him. it's about the control. Sorry girl but you need to get out of this now. He will never stop, but I guarantee it will only get worse, and possibly lead to physical abuse. 2
preraph Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 What are you waiting for him to be the one to decide to leave for? You're the offended party. You're the one who should leave. What makes him happy is having a woman who will take verbal abuse and still let him stay, because 99 percent of women wouldn't. He's doing it because he's a jerk. This is how he is at his best, here early in the relationship. Can only imagine how mean he's going to get if you stay and put up with hit and all he gets back is "If you don't like it, leave." If YOU don't like it, leave. And you shouldn't like it. 3
kendahke Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 (edited) So we’ve been dating for 5 months. He loves me and I love him but since day one he would say things like you’re fat( I’m actually not even close to fat), I’m old (2 years older than him) and talks about other girls saying they’re hot in front of me. He knows he is making me mad and he told me is just saying those thing on purpose. Why is he doing this???? I always tell him if I’m so not your type then leave!!! He knows I have low self esteem and get easily triggered by words:( ...yet you stick around and take it off him. Why are you doing that???? You are teaching him that it's ok to say whatever he wishes to because he knows all you're going to do is complain, but you're not going anywhere, so why should he change what he's doing? There are no serious consequences as far as you're concerned. Why are you so afraid to not be with him? And how can you bring yourself to love someone who talks to you and treats you this way? |||| read my tag line below: vvv Edited September 25, 2019 by kendahke 2
BettyDraper Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 He's not a good person. Leave him and spend time raising your self esteem before dating again. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 25, 2019 Posted September 25, 2019 So we’ve been dating for 5 months. He loves me and I love him but since day one he would say things like you’re fat( I’m actually not even close to fat), I’m old (2 years older than him) and talks about other girls saying they’re hot in front of me. He knows he is making me mad and he told me is just saying those thing on purpose. Why is he doing this???? I always tell him if I’m so not your type then leave!!! He knows I have low self esteem and get easily triggered by words:( Sounds to me like he may also have some esteem issues as well. He's not happy with you but fears he can't get someone else. Dump this guy yesterday . . . 2
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