Christian dating

[haikss3]

Thanks for your input Davegr. I can totally understand that God have to be on top. Really it feels like God have to be in center and in first place in order for this to work cause too much attention for girl can put too much pressure on her and unwanted responsibility. That book interested me even more.

 

We both know what we expect from each other and that this is not just friendly hanging out.

[Lotsgoingon]

I didn't mean faith and love get in the way of relationships.

 

I was saying faith is not enough to sustain a great marriage, which I assume is your goal. And love is not enough.

 

To create that great relationship you also need some good social and emotional skills and you need a good framework for working through differences. Talk to any older couple and they will tell you this, though they may not use the word "boundaries."

 

People are different: raised different, had different parents, had parents with different personalities and styles and emotions. People, doesn't matter how much faith you have, have different preferences in sports and in music and in going out versus staying in ... being introverted vs. extroverted ... how much pressure to put on children to do well in school ... work habits ... desires for a certain level of financial success. A partner might not get along well with the other partner's parents, not out of anything evil, but just because of human difference.

 

You can't dissolve these boundaries--that would require people to become the same, to think exactly the same way and have the same emotional reactions to life. We are not the same. We have varying strengths and weaknesses. The challenge then becomes how to nurture and love another person who has a different view of things than we do. Right now, you sound in the early infatuation part of a relationship--that's the time when chemicals and hormones basically convince the lovers that there are no differences, that differences don't matter. It is not a stage we can stay in.

 

The authors Cloud and Townscend make this point in lectures and in their books.

 

To get concrete, here's an interview with a quite happy older couple. You'll hear them talk about the importance of boundaries and respect. And despite how happy they are, you'll near them talk about big differences. https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/deathsexmoney/articles/this-senator-saved-my-love-life?tab=summary

Edited October 13, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[haikss3]

Thanks for explaining Lotsgoingon. Sure faith as normal people see it is not enough to sustain the relationship. Love is a lot but of course, that love alone can't do everything.

 

But God can come in at any point of the relationship and drive it to a better place. When someone is so faithful that God and faith take most of his mind and spare time then that kind of person will have a lot in common with like-minded people. For example, we both like worship songs and we mostly listen to them. Sure she probably listen more to English worship songs while I listen a lot of native language worship songs, but I too like English worship songs and have listened to them a lot.

 

Today I understood that I have a lot to grow in God. That my less than two years of, coming closer to God, time is far from her 9-year relationship experience with God.

[haikss3]

So just came from another date with the girl. There was day when I told her that she will have to think about what we will do on a date. But then I got sick and we didn't went anywhere. So today I asked what she wanted to do then. She said we could go to the park near her house or we could spend time at her house.

Today is good weather so I said let's leave her house to time when theres rain or cold. So we went to the park and it was a beautiful park, we havent been there for years, maybe only 2 times in the whole lifetime. There was a lot of statues and I took a picture of her at angel wings statue so wings looked like hers. We walked in a park slowly and I got tired so she guessed my mind and suggested to sit on a bench. It was a dark night but there was warm and we sat close together, my hand around her shoulders. We both feel comfortable with each other, it felt the perfect time to kiss, but I respect boundaries we both agreed on.

This was the 7th date. We talked about some deep things too.

Besides that, I complimented how good she smells and some other little compliments.

When I came home she texted that it was nice walk and nice that I write You to her with a capital letter and always escort her to her home.

[haikss3]

So just came from home from alpha course in local babtist church. This night was diferent because wifu joined our youth table so we were sitting 2 hours together with 7 other people including her brother. Was great discussion and wifu catches me when I was trying to make a point, she added a good example. To be honest then 13 year young boy was more gentleman to her than I was tonight. But I don't mind. It's all good. I stayed longer this time after event to help place church furniture as it was before event. Wifu stayed even longer to help in kitchen. When I said goodbyes we hugged and she said Sweet dreams to me. I answered - You too and then I huged 18 year young pal from church who I know more than a year and wished him sweet dreams. He was happier than I was and wished me sweet dreams too. That's how I spread the love.

 

Night before we texted and she said she feels good with me but are afraid when we are not together. I wanted to encourage her and God gave me words - I texted her:" Whatever happens I'm thankful for everything that happened and I will not cry because it didn't happen but will smile because it happened. And if day comes when we can't be together then I will keep You in my heart. But in my heart there's going as far as possible with You. In God's guidance of course."

[mortensorchid]

As long as you're on the same page about things, it's all good.

[haikss3]

Tonite was 8th real date. We went to same place as on first date. To tea house and walked on island. This time we were more comfortable with each other lol. But talked a lot about God this time too. Amazing testimonies she shared. Also got to know that It was just me who prayed to God to give me wife. - She prayed for husband in summer too. As we walked on a island I was sure that this time no one we know will see us. We went to outdoor gym to try ropes and there from nowhere showed up young guy from church and our alpha course group. We both know him and he asked what I'm doing there. I answered that we are training.

 

Anyway I understood that he knows about us since Wednesday alpha course by his smiling look at me when I was looking at wifu. Also her brother somehow knows despite that she didn't told him. But we are already used that people catch us on dates so no wonder everyone knows.

I somehow started to talk about UK job more than 7 years ago. When I finished she said it sounds like very sad story that I had only job and no friends etc. That surprised me cause she don't even know half of it. There's many stories put together that's sad, not just that one story that I didn't even think of as sad but as common to people who visits UK for job from Latvia.

We said goodbyes and hugged, I held her longer and tighter and looked sob.

[haikss3]

This moorning I went to church and the girl quickly stopped by saying that she will come to me, but I still said hi and quickly hugged her. Then a few moments later to came to sit next to me and I gave her a greeting card cause yesterday she had a name day. I wrote a little poem in card about "lake that shines like milion diamonds, look inside this beauty inside of you lives !"

 

We sat close but not tight close despite that I wanted to feel our sides pressing against each other, I wasn't sure if it will be ok with her since the church was full of people.

Anyway, I showed her few verses in the Bible where was words about the perfect wife. I liked it and some of the qualities she have too, except for some old skills that people needed before there was clothes shops. She said that now I have to find verses about a husband.

It was cool that we worshiped together. I wanted to do this together already a while ago.

[LivingWaterPlease]

haikss3, your story of faith in God and with wifu is a joy to read!

[haikss3]

So yesterday I had idea about going to her place but with a twist. Since I still have to put in the effort. Also, I wanted to make this more like date night not just visiting her home. So I bought non-alco champagne and some good cheese several types, grapes, little plum tomatoes.

She came outside to meet me and we walked to her house then. She had a big room but no sofa what was great cause I wanted to have a picnic on blankets that on a floor. We prepared food together and went to blankets. I suggested to light up candles and turn off the lights. So it was more romantic that way. We talked about our past and I told her that if I could change anything in her looks, I wouldn't change anything cause for me shes is perfect just the way she are. I was surprised to hear that she want to change a lot in her. Also, I said that I havent noticed anything ugly in her character, nothing to run from.

She said that I don't know her that well yet and that's true cause our dates ussualy are like 2 hours long and this was the 9th date. I see us spending a lot of time together like whole day or more together in the future only if we travel far cause we cant live together without sin as it looks like.

 

She was surprised about a picnic since this was only the second time for her(first time for me). She looked happy and all night we listened to Christian instrumental Hillsong music so the atmosphere was relaxed. She said that I do a lot but she dont. Well, I mentioned that she does a lot too since she put me as a priority over other close people who wanted to see her this week.

 

In the end, I can do anything only because she gives me a chance and also she coming to me to meet me halfway. So it's not just me leading, she is putting in the effort too, just like Sunday in church when she chose to sit next to me - that was a lot.

At the end of the date, we prayed together for each other and then we parted.

 

Im thinking how to turn this dating into a strong relationship, ready for marriage, in the next 10 months, while staying sin-free and honest.

[haikss3]

So tonite, this Friday, we went to worship and praise event. It was cool in a way that she enjoyed it and there was strong atmosphere in the air. Also, we argued a bit so good thing about arguing is that our relationship is good enough to argue, that she still finds it worth talking to me.

I was super tired already before we met so thats how this date was different.

Also, some of her friends that are young girls noticed us in the event so now even more of the church knows about us.

I asked about her mother and brother and she knows really well what's going on with them. I just hope that her family will accept me.

In the end, I escorted her to her home -she said:" Thank you for always escording me to home" and I said that I havent yet done anything that I don't like or want. We hugged nicely and wished each other sweet dreams.

[d0nnivain]

Im thinking how to turn this dating into a strong relationship, ready for marriage, in the next 10 months, while staying sin-free and honest.

 

Just keep doing what you are doing but maybe cut back on the romantic candle lit picnics if you expect to stay sin free. That sounds like a lot of temptation. Avoiding the near occasion of sin may be an easier way to go.

[smackie9]

TBH I don't think you need to go that far with the romantic junk just yet. I understand we want to put our best foot forward and get to the finish line. She said something that you should take a strong note on...she said you don't really know her yet. That is key. Don't go overboard on the compliments to place her to high on the pedestal. Let things happen organically, and at a nice proper pace that everyone is comfortable with and those who are noticing your interaction with her. keep the conversations light, not on marriage, finding a wife. Enjoy your prayers, bible study together, go out for some hot chocolate.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dating requires this crazy balancing act. On the one hand, it's easy and normal and good to get swept up in powerful feelings as you're doing ... no criticism there.

 

On the other hand, as a previous person said, you have to pinch yourself and remind yourself that you really don't her. Pay attention to her statement that you don't really know her. That's a huge thing to tell someone.

 

I'll translate what I hear her saying: There's a lot about me that you will need to know--and I will tell you--before we get serious. You may not like a lot of what I tell you. So before you get too serious, hold off until you learn my real history. I am more complicated than you think. My life has been messier than you think.

 

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with her. But she did signal some important information about herself.

[haikss3]

Thanks for input guys. Really 9th date maybe was too much but it sure was refreshing too. It seems like as more diferent things we do as better we get to know each other.

 

Also I'm thinking what if she don't really like me that much but might just want dates and attention. I mean I'm in for a wife but what if she don't see me as the only one, as her future husband. I do and say a lot of things that's not attractive and I can tell that by reflection in her.

Sure we have to keep dating and see where things goes, get to know each other more.

 

Yeah I she might have a lot of things she hides from me that comes with a package, like more complicated character, history and so on. But in the end I too have a lot to tell her before getting serious.

Edited October 26, 2019 by haikss3

[smackie9]

You both agree you are looking for a forever partner. Now that's out of the way, focus on just having fun, and try not to over think it. BUT be mindful about bringing up very negative things, like your opinion about other women or women that you knew. I'm assuming that's what the not attractive part is. Pouring your heart out about your dark times is not what should be talked about on early dates. Be positive about yourself, and calmly acknowledging some of those pitfalls without the hateful undertones. Show her you are at peace with it because you have found God. That should smooth things out quite a bit.

[haikss3]

Thanks for advice Girl. Really you are right, I was over thinking it and too paranoid.

 

I try not to talk about past, trying to forget it, but I told her a little on early dates that might feel for her like she knows everything, when in reality it's only tip of the iceberg.

Sure I been thinking about it and I should really celebrate girl with the girl and focus on knowing her, show interest in her. Probably more positive things she have to say and with that conversation would be more lit.

She was surprised how loving and nice I am despite my past but I told her I was broken but recovered, that my life got better last 7 years and especially last 2 years with God, how faster progress it was with Him. On bowling date I told her that last year's summer I felt like God fills up me with love and fills up the emptyness. That God needs also broken hearts.

 

Just today I was thinking how different we are in our faith. We both believe in same God, that's true, but while I grasp basics, she's already looking for more, digging deeper, looking at source of the teachings etc. For me it feels like she is going further away from relationship with God by learning more than Holy Bible teaches us. Just like often as higher the priest are as further he is from truth in his faith.

Point is I hope we can understand each other well and stay close in one spirit despite being in different points of long faith road. This reminds me words from world - love is one soul in two bodies. In Christian world love is one spirit - God Almighty's Holy Spirit in two bodies.

 

Today we met in church but talked only few seconds, to hug and say hi, and part. I wished her good luck cause she had to translate to guests from other country, that's why we couldn't sit together. Really she does so many things in church and around the church that I'm starting to thing if there's anything she don't do, cause in so many ways she serves.

[haikss3]

So yesterday we met again. At her place. I bring the 10 yellow roses and alco free mojito.

 

She was surprised about flowers, said that she never been gifted so many roses. It surprised me cause I wanted to bring more roses but the flower shop had them paired by 10 together. It is cool that she appreciated it and didn't take them as understandable.

 

We studied a book about relationships called - I wish I knew it before marriage. The same author who wrote book 5 Love Languages. So this subject was included too. We read together one chapter and then answered the questions. It happens that our love languages is different. Mine mostly are physical touch but hers are quality time together and doing things for each other.

 

Anyway, we answered many more questions and in the end, her biggest concern is to have the same dysfunctional relationship that her mum and dad have. - Her dad's name is the same as mine and he also doesn't do much around the house to help his wife. Also, communication is not existent for them.

Also, she asked what I want to achieve besides this relationship and I felt like a loser but in the end said that I want perfect relationship with God cause it will give me everything I need. Also said that my achievement so far is to have at least some kind of relationship with God.

 

This morning I was listening to a preacher in my phone and got an answer about what to do for a better relationship with the girl that her parents have. Ii was cool, cause I was just thinking that I have to change if we want to be together and suddenly this answer came like God fulfilled my heart prayer. I shared this answer with her and she said she will listen.

[d0nnivain]

9 dates in & you are talking about marriage? Slow down.

 

When they said God created the world in 7 days that was not literally. It was allegorical & a day probably equaled a millennia.

 

Why don't you just be together. Go out of your way to speak her love language -- quality time -- & avoid yours, physical touch at least for the rest of the New Year. If you are still together by Valentine's Day then you can start looking farther into the future.

 

Do real world things together: take walks, play mini golf, go bowling, watch a play, cook. While I appreciate that you want God to be the center of your universe, you still have to live & function in the world. You can't spend a lifetime doing nothing but praying. You still have to eat, grocery shop, do laundry, work, pay your bills etc. Yes those can be acts of service but balance is important.

Edited October 29, 2019 by d0nnivain

[smackie9]

You take all this way too much to heart. Sure she has seen her parents in a crappy marriage....it doesn't mean she will if she marries you. She just expressed something that was meant generally, not literally about you. Again read between the lines.....she wants you two to get to know each other, and to not jump into this romantically. The roses were nice, but again too much like the candle lit picnic. You need to back it up and just do simple fun things together. Stop with this love language stuff, and talk of relationships. It's just going to cause so much angst. Your dates should be about doing things together like ice skating, mini golf, go to an art exhibit, go see a play, etc.

Edited October 29, 2019 by smackie9

[haikss3]

Well dalmatian, I think it's true that God created planet earth in 6 days cause He have all the resources of the universe. We are not planning to get married yet but sure we both want serious relationship that includes marriage. I know it would take at least a year till that point but that is not the destination but we are enjoying the process. I see a lot of obstacles now but I don't want to give up and go as far as possible.

Anyway, I forgot to pray on last date. That was missing since we should use every opportunity to pray together. Sure we will continue to go on normal dates too.

 

Smackie she said thanks for roses several times so I'm glad it meant something for her. Here in my country, we have a lot of flower shops even in our little town(65k people) so flowers are normal thing here.

She looked concerned about her parents relationship and I remind her dad in some ways. She said its better to be alone than in that kind of relationship. But then again they are married 30 or so years but we are dating since September. I'm willing to change and since the relationship is still fresh it could give me the motivation needed. Also of course following God's will should help. Hopefully next week we will go to see a play if ticked will be still available.

 

We met tonite in the alpha course. I was happy that she attended cause she has a lot to do with her school homework. I showed her one book that preacher showed me previously, a good book about the Holy Spirit. She didn't know it but now she knows.

 

In the end, we helped to get place tidy. I was carrying chairs and tables while she helped in the kitchen. I finished faster and went home sooner but before checked in the kitchen to said goodbye, there were a lot of women and she was at the end of the room, so I didn't break tru all the maze but said goodbye to everyone and went home. this was the first time when we didn't hug for goodbyes, but what relaxed me was knowing that its not her love language (she scored only 2 points out of 12 in psychical touch.)

[haikss3]

So we are going to meet in a fancy restaurant in 40 minutes. No many options since I want to go out this time but its a rainy day and the place are nearby from her house. I will update you guys on how it went.

 

Update: So I was almost late but right in time after all. Happens that the restaurant was on the right side but the bistro bar was in the other side. We went to the left side but it was still good since place was cool and comfy. The food and drinks were very good and tasty too. Best in town as it seems. She was a very beautiful tonite and I told her that she looks good. She replied that I tell her that every time. But it was only the third time I told her.

 

What surprised me a little that she took the book with her - the same book we read on the last date - "I wish I knew it before marriage." I didn't want to study that book since I felt worse after reading it the first time and told her that the books name is "I wish I knew it before marriage" not "I wish I knew it 2 months since dating". I told her its too early for that book and when she asked did someone told me that, I said no and that's true cause these were my words.

 

From the beginning, I felt disconnected from her but during the night we caught up all the time being apart and the conversation went good with God in the center. Really we talked about faithful things and read some promises in the Bible(My Bible app on the smartphone). Then we prayed for each other and afterwards it felt so good, like completely different feeling cause I felt peace inside and the whole place seemed so peaceful. In the end, she offered to pay but I didn't want her to pay since she had only coffee but I had whole meal, it felt better for me to pay for both.

We walked and held hands and it felt great to hold hands since last time was whole week ago. I escorted her to her house and we hugged and said goodbyes.

Edited November 4, 2019 by haikss3

[haikss3]

So we met Wednesday at alpha course. I shacked hands with all the guys first and then hugged her with one hand because she was holding her friend that are girl 1 year old baby.

I miss the time when she was excited seeing me. Wednesday it seemed like there's pitty or displeasure in her face when I hugged her. Maybe fault is in my looks or overall impression.

To be honest I don't do my 100% in terms of looking good and leaving good impression on her. Just being simple relaxed and hanging freely. Can't say same about her cause Monday she looked very beautiful. Perhaps we should talk on what we both expect from each other during this dating time.

[haikss3]

So this moorning we saw each other in church. I hoped that we will sit together cause at her ussualy place at projector PC was sitting other girl. But my girl came 15 minutes later than ussual and looked very nice and beautiful but it was already start of sermon and I saw her from distance, looked like she saw me too but we didn't waved hands. I closed my eyes in a prayer and was waiting she will come to say Hi! at least. But when church was over I tried to find her but couldn't. Then at the doors of walking out I noticed her and said Hi! Where have you disappeared? Appears she was helping in kitchen cause today there was cafeteria with cakes and and other snacks in church.

 

It worries me that last days I been calling and she haven't picked and called back, so no phone conversations. Also there's a lot I want to talk about and mostly I want to talk about us but also don't want to scare her away.

 

Since Wednesday night one teenage girl from alpha group been messaging me but I was pretty sincere and only few texts got exchanged with few days break. Tonight she asked if I'm alone and I replied that I have GF as I think cause we met 12 times. I hope that tomorrow - Monday God will give me words to say and don't mess up when talking to my GF. Seems like enemy is not sleeping and spiritual battle is real between good and evil.

[smackie9]

Maybe your words on "It's too early" for the book, may have disappointed her. Your response to it gave her a twinge of hurt. I think it was a little harsh. You pulling back verbally on the subject may have given her doubts about committing to this relationship. It's pretty obvious she does have a goal in mind, just not have to pushed off to the side like that.