L90 Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 I recently met this girl through some friends that I'm pretty into. We have an awesome connection and have a great time hanging out a couple of times so far. I could definitely see myself dating her more seriously but I'm a little concerned... She has a history of getting together with guys and having a fling with them and then dumping them out of nowhere is the gist I'm getting. Some of them seem to be casual hookups she discards after a bit, some are more like a relationship that have lasted up to three months. What's going on with people that are like that? What does that say about them if anything? Is this a maturity thing or signs of something that won’t change and to be weary of? If you're able to relate at all, can you give some insight?
smackie9 Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 It's called dating. There is nothing unusual to what she is doing. Obviously she hasn't met the right guy. Maybe you could be it, maybe not, but that is the chance you take with any girl no matter her history. 6
schlumpy Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 Just ask her. You can speculate all you want: feminist ideology, can't get past a certain bonding stage, very strict check list, in love with first encounters, high sex drive, likes variety. Who knows? Don't try and save or change her. Look for someone you have a great connection with that shares your views on relationships. A lot less heartache. 3
Author L90 Posted September 24, 2019 Author Posted September 24, 2019 I’m trying to see if there is something to this pattern of behavior. I don’t really want to be the next victim she gets to fall for her then she abruptly dumps after 3 months if this is something to note. If it’s simply just dating around then ok but that’s why I’m looking for some insight and advice.
PRW Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 You have to look at the quality of the people she dates. If she is always chasing the shallow "shiny object" instead of going for quality, then she is going to get dissatisfied with all of them and dump them. But if she has had so many sexual partners that she has lost the ability to properly bond with a man, then there isn't anything you can do about that.
Author L90 Posted September 24, 2019 Author Posted September 24, 2019 You have to look at the quality of the people she dates. If she is always chasing the shallow "shiny object" instead of going for quality, then she is going to get dissatisfied with all of them and dump them. But if she has had so many sexual partners that she has lost the ability to properly bond with a man, then there isn't anything you can do about that. At what number does the ability to properly bond happen? Especially in this hookup culture I would think it’s tough to find girls that haven’t been with at least 8-10 guys on the low side. Are these type of women never going to be able to properly bond with a man then?
SumGuy Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 .... I don’t really want to be the next victim she gets to fall for her then she abruptly dumps after 3 months if this is something to note. .... Your not a victim if you know about it. You're certainly not a victim if she is up front about it. Are you worried she will tell you that you are her forever person then dump you? That may be justified but you are not a victim as you know she is more than willing to move on if things are not for her, you know to take that with a grain of salt. That being said, if you phrase it in your head as potentially being her "victim" I think you are already not right for her. 2
scooby-philly Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 At what number does the ability to properly bond happen? Especially in this hookup culture I would think it’s tough to find girls that haven’t been with at least 8-10 guys on the low side. Are these type of women never going to be able to properly bond with a man then? You need to be clear with yourself first. What do you want right now? Then, what are you okay with from/in a partner? If you're looking for something serious this does not sound like someone who's ready for it or even wanting it. Not saying you can't ask her but actions speak louder then words. If you ignore your gut and our advice and pursue this and she "says" she wants something real - then you should have a plan and mental checklist so you don't end up splitting at month three. There's no way to completely and accurately analyze her behavior without a ton more information and a lot of that....YOU don't even have right now. SO again, approach it with honesty about what you want and if you feel compelled to pursue, ask her what she wants. But if the two aren't aligned at some point, then it's time to let go. 1
SumGuy Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 At what number does the ability to properly bond happen? Infinity. If you mean at what number does the ability to properly bond go away. That is just judgmental crap about the number of sexual partners a woman decreases her ability to form lasting relationships. The number of partners may be a symptom of not being able to "properly bond" it is not a cause. What does "properly bond" even mean? Monogamy? Even then there are people who have open relationships which report having amazing emotional and day-to-day bonds (although that is certainly not for me). 4
Author L90 Posted September 24, 2019 Author Posted September 24, 2019 Your not a victim if you know about it. You're certainly not a victim if she is up front about it. Are you worried she will tell you that you are her forever person then dump you? That may be justified but you are not a victim as you know she is more than willing to move on if things are not for her, you know to take that with a grain of salt. That being said, if you phrase it in your head as potentially being her "victim" I think you are already not right for her. You need to be clear with yourself first. What do you want right now? Then, what are you okay with from/in a partner? If you're looking for something serious this does not sound like someone who's ready for it or even wanting it. Not saying you can't ask her but actions speak louder then words. If you ignore your gut and our advice and pursue this and she "says" she wants something real - then you should have a plan and mental checklist so you don't end up splitting at month three. There's no way to completely and accurately analyze her behavior without a ton more information and a lot of that....YOU don't even have right now. SO again, approach it with honesty about what you want and if you feel compelled to pursue, ask her what she wants. But if the two aren't aligned at some point, then it's time to let go. I was using the word victim in jest. But yea, I am worried she will tell me how she can’t stop thinking about me, is falling hard for me, talk about doing things together in the future, want to spend a ton of time with me, act completely into me and crazy about me and then dump me when I’m hooked. I’m concerned she goes into it thinking and saying she wants a real relationship, acts the way a good girlfriend would, and then ends it after 3-4 months. I’ve heard she breaks hearts. Every guy falls for her and she dumps them. It’s concerning. At the same time, it’s not often I connect with somebody like this and do think that’s a rare thing.
mark clemson Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 You can ponder it all you like, but since you know, don't expect anything different. Don't project your "style" of romance/relationships onto her and think you'll be the one to get her to stick around. You may not know "who she is" but you know what she does. So either be prepared for what's almost certainly inevitable or simply steer clear of her.
SumGuy Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 I was using the word victim in jest. ... Fair enough. I’m concerned she goes into it thinking and saying she wants a real relationship, acts the way a good girlfriend would, and then ends it after 3-4 months. I’ve heard she breaks hearts. Every guy falls for her and she dumps them. It’s concerning. At the same time, it’s not often I connect with somebody like this and do think that’s a rare thing. That's all likely 100% true. Sadly this can still happen even if she had no such history. At least in this case you can go in with your eyes open, and you can be rest assured if she breaks up with you it is very unlikely it was you. Personally I'd only go into it if was completely good with a fling, sure my heart may get broken...wouldn't be the first time, one survives and can go on to thrive. Better to have loved and lost and all that....
smackie9 Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 (edited) Stay away from her if you are that scared or that sensitive. Edited September 24, 2019 by smackie9 1
Gaeta Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 Maybe her men picker is broken and she keeps picking the wrong men and being deceived. Maybe sometimes she goes to bed with one of them because she feels a strong chemistry and is mislead to think it's more than a hook up. You don't know her story. 2
Author L90 Posted September 24, 2019 Author Posted September 24, 2019 You can ponder it all you like, but since you know, don't expect anything different. Don't project your "style" of romance/relationships onto her and think you'll be the one to get her to stick around. You may not know "who she is" but you know what she does. So either be prepared for what's almost certainly inevitable or simply steer clear of her. So you’re saying this is certainly a behavioral pattern and an indication to who she is in relationships? Not something that the right guy necessarily changes? Fair enough. That's all likely 100% true. Sadly this can still happen even if she had no such history. At least in this case you can go in with your eyes open, and you can be rest assured if she breaks up with you it is very unlikely it was you. Personally I'd only go into it if was completely good with a fling, sure my heart may get broken...wouldn't be the first time, one survives and can go on to thrive. Better to have loved and lost and all that.... What do you mean “it is very unlikely you?” Stay away from her if you are that scared or that sensitive. I’ve been burned pretty badly before. Having a couple of girlfriends break up with you without ever communicating issues to you will do that. Imagine your girlfriend acting completely in love with you, texting you in the middle of the night how much they love you, acting all gooey with you when they see you then a couple of days later breaking up with you. That’s some scary ****. 1
stillafool Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 I’ve heard she breaks hearts. Every guy falls for her and she dumps them. It’s concerning. At the same time, it’s not often I connect with somebody like this and do think that’s a rare thing. No it isn't that rare. There are women who date around get bored and change up. Men do it too. Since you've been warned she breaks hearts and she's been honest with you don't get involved if it concerns you that much. What age is she?
Author L90 Posted September 24, 2019 Author Posted September 24, 2019 No it isn't that rare. There are women who date around get bored and change up. Men do it too. Since you've been warned she breaks hearts and she's been honest with you don't get involved if it concerns you that much. What age is she? I meant connections are rare. She is 25
smackie9 Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 (edited) I’ve been burned pretty badly before. Having a couple of girlfriends break up with you without ever communicating issues to you will do that. Imagine your girlfriend acting completely in love with you, texting you in the middle of the night how much they love you, acting all gooey with you when they see you then a couple of days later breaking up with you. That’s some scary ****. hey it happens to everyone, even me and everyone else on the boards here, but that's just life. And just so you know, it's not always because there are issues. People get dumped because they found someone that they are more attracted to, or they simply lost interest. It is what it is and you can't prevent it from ever happening again. Edited September 24, 2019 by smackie9
Calmandfocused Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 Op, my advice to you is give her a chance. You’ve no idea why these relationships didn’t work out. Maybe she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship previously, maybe she’s a player, maybe these guys were too needy with her and pushed her away, maybe she didn’t feel compatibility with any of them, maybe none of them were right for her and she sensed that quickly... And maybe she might have grown up, is ready for a relationship and sees potential in you? Who knows? There is only one way to find out. We all have a past, and all have things in our romantic past that we’re probably not proud of and wish we could change. Don’t judge her for it. If you feel the connection from her too you’ve got nothing to worry about at this stage. However if it appears that you are more into her than her you, then you may have a problem.
SumGuy Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 @L90 I meant just that if you fell for her and she broke up with you it is most likely her and not you. I tend to type these things fast and the edit window is short lived.
mark clemson Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 So you’re saying this is certainly a behavioral pattern and an indication to who she is in relationships? Not something that the right guy necessarily changes? Correct. At least for the time being. I’ve been burned pretty badly before. Having a couple of girlfriends break up with you without ever communicating issues to you will do that. Imagine your girlfriend acting completely in love with you, texting you in the middle of the night how much they love you, acting all gooey with you when they see you then a couple of days later breaking up with you. That’s some scary ****. Possibly BPD or borderline tendencies. Those folks tend to "do a real number" on people who start having feelings for them.
chillii Posted September 24, 2019 Posted September 24, 2019 You could talk to her about her past and what's happened with all these guys, there might have been legit issues, but l'd be guessing it's more on her. Personally , l'd walk away now if l was you because chances are high you'll just be next if you don't. And do you really wanna get involved with someone goes through men like that. Never a good sign with any women, but she's only 25, she'll have a long way to go yet .
beldar Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 L90 please please please make sure you wear a rubber every time!
OnlyHonesty Posted September 27, 2019 Posted September 27, 2019 I’m trying to see if there is something to this pattern of behavior. I don’t really want to be the next victim she gets to fall for her then she abruptly dumps after 3 months if this is something to note. If it’s simply just dating around then ok but that’s why I’m looking for some insight and advice. If this was just dating around, you wouldn't be asking this question. She is not dating or relationship material. But because you wish she was, you're trying to find a way to convince yourself of the opposite. Ive met women that I really like, but I will not date or take seriously because I know who they are. In almost every single area in life, we consider the past history. But some how when it comes to relationships people will label someone as sensitive, insecure, or judgemental for considering it. That does not change the facts. Date or get involved with this girl at your peril. There are millions of girls out there.....no need for a scarcity mindset. 2
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