Older Divorced Guy - What do women really think?

[Big Aus]

As you might have noted, I struggle to get the interest of women that don't have major issues.

Yet all I hear from the other side is how women are struggling to find decent men. Hello?

 

I was married for almost 30 years, and yes I had a life, raised kids, tried my best, and generally managed to hold the family together.

Yes women seem to see that as a negative?

Family is the most important thing to me, I never broke my wedding vows, did my best to be a loving husband and father. I am faithful, very loyal, and trustworthy.

 

I just struggle to even get replies from women.

It doesn't seem to matter the age, I get the same lack of response regardless.

[Tonk]

Try a new approach, it's the "nice guy" thing that you need to get over a bit maybe. Try reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. Despite the rather lurid title it's a very good self-help book that will assist you in tuning yourself to stop thinking about the end points and steer your thoughts in ways that attract women and make you feel happier in general.

[Twizzlestick]

Can’t speak as a lady but not sure which demographic you’re persueing?

 

I presume you must be late 40s/50s?

 

20 something girls with no children would likely find flaws in your life’s achievements (and that’s what they are - achievements) but ladies in 30s upwards, who’ve perhaps had their own children and ended marriages? I’d find it hard to think a lot of those would see your situation as “bad” per say. That would be pot calling the kettle black.

 

Granted a 40 year old lady with children might well desire a single twenty something man with no kids, but whether she can find one is another matter. I’ve seen many profiles from ladies explicitly saying only “men WITH children”

 

Are you just guessing it’s these sole factors? What are you using for meeting people, real life or online? How’s your profile, photos etc? If online don’t make the mistake of selling yourself down, banging on about being previously married etc. No one wants to read all that, you see it as being good, and it is, but it’s nit a great read online. Your not selling an old car, listing it’s service history.

 

Mention children, briefly, but keep your profile fun and upbeat, intriguing and portraying you as an individual - not as some sort of spare machinery part that’s popped out of the factory after years of heavy use that’s available to the used market.

[Rayce]

Can you provide us with a sample of what you are using as an opener to message women or responding to them? I'm not much of a word smith but there seems to be lots of them around here that might be able to help.

[Twizzlestick]

Another thought, a lot of the values you cite in yourself. I wonder if you’re making the mistake of using those actual values as your selling points. Mmm hahaha..

 

...It doesn’t work online to attract (bizarrely as these values are held in regard). It just comes across as a bit too Er nice and vanilla.

 

Like I said, you’re almost trying to come across as a bit devil may care, funny and cheeky but leaving intrigue, you’re used to a life where you were part of something.

 

You’re actually now plummeted into a new world trying to portray you as an individual. Something even you might not be used to viewing yourself as after years of marriage etc.

 

And the trick is to do this in an almost ageless manner. For instance one can be say 60 years old but doesn’t mean that person has to talk like an “oldie” or equally be “down with the kids”. you can still be fresh and fun. Think George Clooney, Brad Pitt. Holywood aside, they don’t come across as old pegs - for a reason. It’s about confidence and the standing they portray.

 

Be useful if you could give an idea of what you’re using on your profile or opening messages. I’m no expert myself, but I’ve picked a few things up the hard way and safety in numbers etc, you might get some help on it from many on here.

[SumGuy]

It does matter how you say it as well as what you say.

 

First off would be who you are looking to attract. I believe there is no one magic profile that attracts just anyone. Questions such as what do women think imply there is some monolithic group think going on.

 

So think of the woman you'd like to attract, then do you think you would appeal to her and if so how to show it in your profile. If your lucky there is a women on her who can help guide on how best to present yourself.

 

I can only speak to the women I want to attract in the US, whatever I have been doing has worked very well for me in at least getting interest and dates and longish relationships.

 

At least for the women I'm interested in having been married and having kids is a plus. Several have explicitly mentioned this.

 

If you are comfortable with it, if you pasted up your profile text (sans identifying details) you'd likely get comments and suggestions...conflicting one I'm sure .

[d0nnivain]

I just struggle to even get replies from women.

 

Replies from women makes me think you are on OLD. The answer is get off OLD. It's one of the least effective ways to meet quality people. It is A tool & you should have a profile but it can't be your only option.

 

Do things in real life that you enjoy. When are you engaged in things that make you happy, you will meet quality people who are living their lives who share an interest with you. Build from there.

[Gaeta]

The issue is not that you were in a 30 year marriage, but how long you've been out of it.

[Twizzlestick]

Replies from women makes me think you are on OLD. The answer is get off OLD. It's one of the least effective ways to meet quality people. It is A tool & you should have a profile but it can't be your only option.

 

Do things in real life that you enjoy. When are you engaged in things that make you happy, you will meet quality people who are living their lives who share an interest with you. Build from there.

 

I see that approach as my gold standard but it has issues depending on circumstance. In previous reles I met my ex through work.

 

Prob is now I live out in the boonies. I do activities but meeting people in real life who are [correct sex/rough age range/I fancy/are single/are looking/ are attracted to me] is the needle in a haystack. I could be at it years. Finding the combo in brackets is like playing the lottery out here.

 

So I do think OLD has a place. I’ve had a couple of dates with nice normal girls from OLD which would’ve taken yonks in the wilds of East Anglia in the U.K. so I think it’s an evil, full of flakes but an addition to real life. I see it do both, not one or the other. Trick is not to let OLD get to you I’ve found. There be dragons.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You wrote that you're an older man looking for a woman with no major issues. We all have issues of one kind or another, especially the older we get. Perhaps your standards are unreasonably high?

[Gretchen12]

How do you know they're not responding because you were previously married and had kids? When you get older that's the norm isn't it? I thought never married was the red flag.

 

The only thing I can think of is if you go on and on about your wife and kids in the profile. It makes it seem like you have no room in your life for romance or for a new woman. You are on a dating site, you are in the role of Romeo, not father of two. Just like you go to work you're in your occupational role. You compete in a sport, you're there as an athlete. It doesn't mean you're not other things.

[smackie9]

Hah you and the 10,000+ that come here to complain. OLD suz ballz for the majority. You are definitely not alone. people will try to come up with all kinds of excuses, reasons and theories....if it's not working, then try something else, like moving to a new city. You live out in the boonies...that's probably why you are not getting any hits. if I was single and dating, that would be a deal breaker, me being a city girl.

[Twizzlestick]

Hah you and the 10,000+ that come here to complain. OLD suz ballz for the majority. You are definitely not alone. people will try to come up with all kinds of excuses, reasons and theories....if it's not working, then try something else, like moving to a new city. You live out in the boonies...that's probably why you are not getting any hits. if I was single and dating, that would be a deal breaker, me being a city girl.

 

 

How do you know he lives in the boons. I didn’t pick up what kind of place he’s in from his post? Just curious.

[chillii]

l was a divorced guy late 40s and into 50s, made no difference, women l met were divorced too so what's the difference. Any l met admired l how l kept things on good terms with my ex and the effort l put in to doing my best with my daughter.

My gf's no different she's always telling how proud she is of me and the job l've done with my daughter and l am of her and the job she's done with her son too.

l think you must be hunting very low quality women my friend because any half decent woman will admire you.

You gotta up your standards and focus on some decent girls , forget these type you've been dealing with they aren't even close to worthy of a good man.

Edited September 23, 2019 by chillii

[fromheart]

If your good looking and in shape, women wont give a sh~t about your past. Hit the gym or whatever physical outlet works for you. Sleep well, watch what you eat. This is key for health, and as a pleasant side effect gets the attention of women.

[chillii]

You know , anyone decent and you support each other , it actually turns into a really nice situation after all the crap you've both been through.

[mark clemson]

Not sure what they think, but you might find this helpful:

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/690620-what-do-women-find-attractive

[basil67]

Let's call a spade a spade. You wrote a month ago that you're severely overweight and unfit due to your own poor choices. So it's not like you're without some pretty major issues of your own.

 

I'll be honest and saying that you're punching too far above your weight (no pun intended). If you want a woman with no issues, then you must offer the same. In post #8 on the above link, you talk about wanting to avoid women who have treated their own health badly and hope that you can find someone who can be a good support to you. No woman like you describe will be willing to take on a fixer upper as a boyfriend.

 

Your alternative is to be open to seeing someone who also has issues.

Edited September 23, 2019 by basil67

[alphamale]

BA, women are perceiving you as "too nice". This is the kiss of death when it comes to dating. You need to cultivate a personality that is somewhere between "bad boy" and "nice guy"...

[carhill]

I just struggle to even get replies from women.

A bit older than you and also divorced. IMO, stick to real life. Work on socializing and expanding your social circle.

 

You're still fairly young but the words of my mom still ring in my ear, after my dad died... "I'm not taking care of another man in my old age" Many men tried but she remained solo until dying herself 25 years later. Is that common? IDK. Probably not in your age-equivalent group. You're bumping up on it though.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If your good looking and in shape, women wont give a sh~t about your past.

 

What kind of women??

 

It may be about attraction, I don't know. Most women your age would see a long relationship and a family as a plus, as long as you're over it and not still emotionally embroiled.

[chillii]

This is what l found and looked for myself. You know it'd take a pretty special lady to understand being a divorced dad in this situation if she wasn't in it herself so l looked for the same.

l did meet one girl never married no kids and the very first time she wanted to take off somewhere on the Saturday l had to be with my daughter, which she knew before hand anyway but still, talk about a dummy spit. Needless to say that was the end of her.

 

lf you got weight problems though op and not looking after yourself , well there's plenty of women round like that too so as Bas said, all depends on what your aiming at. But get into shape anyway man , good for you good for all win win

Edited September 24, 2019 by chillii

[smackie9]

I think women would be more concerned if you have never married.

[chillii]

Haaa , exactly what l was gonna say . To me it's more a concern meeting a woman or man 40's or 50s that haven't been married.

Not to say there is gonna be something weird could be just unlucky in love, butttttt ! Me l would rather she knew what it was all about and lived it.

Edited September 25, 2019 by chillii