Is a girl worth fighting for?

[jjb117]

I guess I pose the question in conjunction to my current situation. So in essence, I started to date a girl called Maria for about 5-6 straight weeks. I was happy. For the time being, everything felt right. Yet, slowly, doubt started to creep in. Everything started to feel fast. I met her best friends and family members. There were conversations about the future and expectations started to form. It felt like mental prison. I started to doubt myself. Am I the one for her? Can I provide the love and care she deserves? Maria had gone through so much - to be more specific her ex cheated on her. And not that I would ever cheat on her, but could I carry the weight of her past relationship, and show her what true love feels like? And I just didn't know. So I ended things because I was a coward and scared. And I moved on...

 

...for only three weeks. For no reason I started to think about her all the time. Was I just lonely or did I legitimately miss her? I wanted to reach out, but I retracted. I found out from a friend she had seem a bit down. Was it because of me? Could I remedy this? Am I selfish for coming back? Then all at once I said **** it and called her. In a way I begged, but I mainly wanted her to see my point of view. My last relationship didn't end well, and it took a lot out of me. Even though it had been 2 years since that had happened, I still am very cautious when dating. I've met so many girls within that time span, but for some reason Maria was the only one making me feel regret. I wanted to be hers and her to be mine.

 

I finally got the text, "Let's do this." and let me tell you, i was sooooooo happy. Like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Yes! Finally! Yes! Well, so I thought. We spoke about specifics, and she agreed to be exclusive (we already were anyways) but that I wasn't able to kiss or touch her like I used to. That we would take things slow and for now, we wouldn't be all touchy feely. To me, that was fine. We made plans to see each other and just like that, she's right in front of me once more.

 

Here's the kicker, and the entire point of the post. While we were seeing each other, she acted as if she didn't want to be there. She was short in conversation. She had trouble having eye contact with me. She checked her phone often. Didn't laugh at my outlandish and goofy jokes. I felt out of place. Like why was I here? The way it ended was probably the weirdest of all. We parked on opposite sides of the restaurant so when I walked her to her car, she said, "oh, I can walk you to your car." to which I then said, "I guess you can just drive me to mine since yours is right here" and she quickly said no. I was confused, and stared blankly. She then said, "There's just something I don't want you to see. Ok just wait here." And I froze and started to overthink. It could have been anything really but I started to think the worse. Did she have sex with someone last night? Is that why she was vague about where she was? Is that why she was acting different? We agreed on exclusivity but did she see someone else? So in the end, I almost went for the kiss and could tell she wasn't ready. In a joking way, I said, "you're mad confusing". She chuckled and said, "No i'm pretty sure I was clear." And she was, so all I said was, "Drive safe please." and that was that.

 

And now I'm not sure what to do. I want to stay. I want to make this work. I want it to be like before, but I feel like i'm in hell. I get no benefit from being in this situation. I understand it's warranted, but I don't know what approach I should take. Am I a fool to stay? Honestly, if you've made it this far, I commend you for your listening skills.

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

My dear friend, this is WAY too much drama. It would be way too much for a year or two year relationship. But 5-6 weeks? That's red flags. People who are healthy, balanced, and ready for a relationship do no lie, they do not play games, they do not cheat, they do not do ANYTHING that causes red flags at 6 weeks.

 

I cannot speak to why are you feeling this way for this particular woman. Perhaps she conjures up parts of your last ex, your mom, or someone that triggers certain emotions in you. She made it clear she wasn't interested at one point, you have doubts, and things were WAY too fast in the beginning. There's no reason to meet everyone at 6 weeks. Now, of course you don't want to wait 6 months (I foolishly waited for close to 2 years with my recent ex, which I'm still recovering from) to meet family/friends. But it seems like there's a lot of things going on.

 

There's no shame in walking away. Do so maturely. Do so politely. If you feel it's appropriate - do so in person, but at least have a phone call - do not text, IM, or email. Tell her the truth and tell her you wish her the best. And remember, good people can not be good for each other.

[Gretchen12]

You are not ready to settle down. A man doesn't date around until he meets the one that's so special she makes him want to settle down. Nope. A man reaches a certain stage in his life (age, career, finances, social expectations) when he decides to settle down, then he goes for the first woman around that's pretty good who says yes.

 

You are not there. When it moved fast with Maria, you could have slowed it down but you didn't because you do like her a lot. But you couldn't do it so you bolted. Trust was broken and she has not forgotten. You regretted leaving her because you do feel a lot for her, but you are no more ready to settle down now than you were then.

 

If Maria no longer takes you seriously, surely you understand. Sometimes when it's broken it cannot be repaired. Look for someone to date casually. When you reach that point in life when you are ready, you will not be so alarmed when things move fast in a matter of weeks. You may still slow it down here and there but you won't bolt because it doesn't scare you.

[smackie9]

no she's not.....take care of yourself.

[fromheart]

I think you've got to fight for yourself here. After 6 weeks you have yourself in your own mental prison, which inevitably leads to you being abused by a mad person. No coincidence.

 

Drop the mad, cat lady to be and go and look after yourself.

[Inspire]

It sounds like the window of opportunity may have passed. Hopefully now in hindsight, you'll see how your actions led to this. Based on what you described she doesn't sound very into you. She clearly has her guard up. Just let it go at this point.

[d0nnivain]

6 weeks in you were moving too fast. There were reasons you felt like you were in prison because you were too far ahead of yourself. Meeting friends & family was not the big deal you made it out to be. You over emphasized things & imbued them with more value then they had. It was only introductions not a marriage. There should not have been any future talk beyond maybe next week. You two had no foundation. You were acting like this was a 6 year relationship.

 

 

You bugged out then came back. That tells her several unflattering things about you:

 

1. You don't know your own mind

 

2. You act impulsively & don't think things through

 

3. You love bombed her even though not intentionally you still did it

 

4. You can't be trusted. (You flaked once & she doesn't know you well enough to know whether you will do it again)

 

 

If you are serious about making this work, slow down. Have zero expectations. You have to get to know each other . . . little by little. At most you can project through Halloween but no farther.

[Twizzlestick]

^Donnivain never fails to deliver. If one person who gives good sage chilled advice on here ha. Some pointers I took home there too as this thread chimed. Good post.

[preraph]

She sounds nuts and I don't think she's into you at all.

[TheFinalWord]

No, no one is worth fighting for. A relationship shouldn't be a battle against each other. If anything, it should be the two of you battling life, together, as a team.