I ended my 13 year relationship so why do I feel depressed and not relieved?

[balletomane]

I'm glad it's been resolved, girlygo, and I hope that now you will get the peace and space you need to move on from this.

 

I think on a forum like this there is always a risk that people will read posts purely through the lens of their own experience, and subconsciously want to take sides with whomever they identify with most, based on their own backstory.

Edited November 12, 2019 by balletomane

[girlygo]

Writing again as it's been a few days now. Since having no contact at all from my ex I've started to have some time to breathe and think about the relationship calmly rather than just feeling full on anxiety and other emotions.

 

I actually composed an email last night to him which explained that I miss him terribly every day, that I cry every day and love him very much. I wrote that I was not with anyone else, that I wasn't laughing at him behind his back with friends or betraying him like he'd texted and accused me of. I wrote that I am just alone trying to get through one day at a time, thinking of him and feeling like my world was crashing in around me. All I did was tell him how I felt.

 

I went on to say that I was upset by the horrible things he had written about me and my parents and I couldn't believe how her could do that after everything we have been through. I mentioned that I hadn't betrayed him and that it was him who had because for the last 3 years her has still been texting and talking to his ex behind my back even though he said he wouldn't. That destroyed my trust in him as a person and a partner and that I'd not mentioned it again because there was no point when he didn't want to stop communicating. I couldn't force him..... but pretending everything was ok after that eventually ate away at me.

 

I wrote that everyday I think of him and don't think I could ever cope with him never being in my life again. That I ignored his texts and calls because it was too painful to talk to him, I needed the space and then he sounded so angry that I couldn't cope with the stress or want to be around him.

 

As I wrote this all tears streamed down my face. I never sent it but I saved it and read it a few times.

[girlygo]

It's strange because now I've not had any voice messages for a few days I feel like I could call and explain the reasons I didn't respond to the messages and check he's ok but then I think to myself, what would be the purpose of that? What would that achieve? Who would I be doing that for?

 

I then felt guilty that the police told him to stop contacting me because he will think that I hate him and that I thought so little of him.... but I don't. The truth is I don't. I will never stop loving him. That is the truth... and it hurts.

[girlygo]

We hadn't had sex in about 2 years. No sex. In fact, it coincided with finding out about the calls and texts with my ex's ex for me. A relationship can't survive without sex.... its just a deep friendship. He wasn't happy either with it. Can't have been. There were other reasons... growing apart... seeing a future but not really together or finding it hard to imagine life together growing and getting better. The fact that our families didn't know about our relationship. The burden of that meaning I didn't feel genuine and authentic to myself or others because we were lying to people. How do you even begin to fix all that?

[assertives]

Sending you an internet hug. Keep posting, write letters, draft emails but don't send to him. Keep a blog and let it out. Don't contact him. At this point, there's been too much water under the bridge, don't need to explain yourself. It will only make things confusing for both of you, and will not change anything. Seek out a therapist if you haven't already to help you navigate your feelings. Hang in there. Time heals all wounds.

[FMW]

Don't contact him again in any way. He had to have a visit from the police to stop harassing you, it wasn't a normal breakup. Don't poke the bear.

 

Let him go now. Only you can find peace and closure to be able to move on. He can't give that to you. If you feel the need to write more to him, write it in a journal. DON'T send it.

[girlygo]

I haven't contacted him still. Went out for a meal with some friends I hadn't seen for just over a month today. Gave them an update and one friend said how great no contact is and it really works because she's got over her past relationships in a couple of weeks.

 

That statement made me feel angry inside although I didn't show it. It's as though some people view no contact as a magic pill that you pop and da daaa! Everything's ok again. I felt hurt because it was as though they thought I was exaggerating or being dramatic in that I was still getting upset and not bouncing back from my relationship ending. I don't think some of my friends realise just how tough it's been but then they're probably thinking I should be over my ex now.

So again I'm thinking, maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive.

 

My best friend has slacked off on calling to check in with me in the week and now busy again at weekends with her partner. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about my ex now really seeing as it's over 2 months and they'll seriously probably tired of hearing about it.

 

At least once or twice a day I think about wanting to ring my ex and just talk to him but then I think what will I say? How much I love him.... or sometimes it's saying he can arrange to pick up the bed... or me pay him so I can keep it as a way to make him feel that I wasn't being difficult. Other times I want to explain that I'm not seeing anyone else and that I didn't betray him. Or I think about ways he could change or I could change that might make the relationship better but then realise that it wouldn't really change anything or how I'd feel... that it would just be temporary.

 

I've pictured going to see him to just be with him, hug him and talk to him but then I'd just get upset, he'd get angry then upset and we'd end up together again, happy to be together but then back to feeling dissatisfied again.

 

Then there's the panic that each day I'm not contacting him is another day of him slipping further away and that scares me too. Then I wonder what he's feeling, if he's sad or now over me. Feeling guilty again about what I did to him, upsetting him.... ignoring him.

 

I'm finding that focusing on work helps and I'm managing not to obsess so much constantly as I was but with all the above going around in my head, you'd think that I'm the one who had been told it's over. Never think that the so called "dumper" ( sorry but I hate the words dumper and dumpee) always enjoys or revels being in that position. It's not true - or maybe I'm just too soft.. not selfish enough. It's still an ongoing battle at least once a day for me not to contact him. Again, maybe that's a sign I'm really codependent or have serious issues because it'd be so easy and comforting to go back to how it was before we broke up.....

[usa1ah]

This is the worst feeling. I didn't sleep well last night and I've had bouts of crying today. The only time I was ok was whilst working because I was distracted. I still love him so much and already missing chatting on the phone, telling him about my day or just sending a text. I've felt so confused today and so sad that I almost just want to ring him and tell him I made a mistake to stop this emotional pain. He texted me this evening to say that he was moving out the area back to his home town because there's no point in staying when he doesn't know anyone else. He only moved near me to be with me and never really made any friends. When I read it I felt like my heart had been ripped out, but I just had to reply that I understand. I don't know how long I'll feel this way but it's all consuming and so exhausting that I feel almost in a daze with what's going on. It's as though today has hit me harder than yesterday. Please tell me this is a normal response to ending a relationshi and that I'm really not losing it

 

This is not normal for the person breaking up. It is for the one being broken up with.

[FMW]

Friends do get tired of hearing about breakup woes. I've been there before, and I felt angry too that one of my friends basically just told me she didn't want to ever hear about it again. She told me the guy was such a jerk she just couldn't stand to hear about him anymore. She couldn't believe I could possibly be that broken up about someone so awful. That's probably what your friends are feeling.

 

Just keep in mind they feel that way because they want what's best for you, they don't want to encourage you to keep going in circles in your mind about the situation. Sometimes a true friend has to smack you out of wallowing around in despair, or at least stop supporting you in staying there.

 

Of course no contact isn't going to be easy. So don't expect easy. Expect to feel awful sometimes. And quite often for a while. But don't let yourself stay with those thoughts. If you want to be happy again, you're going to have to choose to be tough and keep pushing through.

 

And yes - I think you show definite signs of being codependent. Try to find help with that - if you can't afford counseling at least google and read everything you can about it on the internet. You might find some relief that way.

Edited November 20, 2019 by Finding my way

[girlygo]

Of course no contact isn't going to be easy. So don't expect easy. Expect to feel awful sometimes. And quite often for a while. But don't let yourself stay with those thoughts. If you want to be happy again, you're going to have to choose to be tough and keep pushing through.

 

I felt awful for a while then thought I'd started to feel a feel a bit better. Saw my therapist a couple of days ago and her positive words gave me a boost. But then bam, today and yesterday the sadness and yearning hit me more than it ever had before. I woke up and was crying alot just in the shower. Then another bout after breakfast.

 

I can't even get my thoughts in order about my ex and the relationship to focus on, these emotions just come over me. Just want to curl up into a ball and not do anything or go anywhere today. I wonder if my ex feels this way? I think it's easiest for him maybe because he knows that he can't contract me due to the police warning so in his mind he doesn't want to risk committing an offence and thinks that I have closed the door firmly on him and locked it..... but I still hold the key and the doubt and pain I feel about whether to open it just keeps nagging away at me. Im trying to be positive but these feelings are overwhelming today.

[girlygo]

This is not normal for the person breaking up. It is for the one being broken up with.

 

Oh... confirmation that I'm not normal.

[vla1120]

Oh... confirmation that I'm not normal.

 

You're not abnormal. There is no "Breakup Handbook" or we wouldn't need this website! Everyone heals at their own speed and everyone is different. Some friends are supportive, some don't want to hear anymore about it after the first vent. You are a sensitive person, which is why you had a hard time with the breakup to begin with. What you need to do now is just focus on yourself. Don't worry any more about what he is doing or even how you're feeling about him or thinking about him. Focus your energy on getting yourself out of this funk. Like someone else suggested, write your feelings in a journal, just don't share them with him. In fact, if you write in your journal daily, you'll find yourself not needing to share any of that information with anyone. Don't only write about how you miss him. Also write about why you needed to break up. Write the truth about your history. The more you go back and look at what you went through, the more comfortable you will become with your decision and the outcome.

[girlygo]

...write your feelings in a journal, just don't share them with him. In fact, if you write in your journal daily, you'll find yourself not needing to share any of that information with anyone. Don't only write about how you miss him. Also write about why you needed to break up. Write the truth about your history. The more you go back and look at what you went through, the more comfortable you will become with your decision and the outcome.

 

This is so true. Journaling does help. I write in an online diary regularly when I feel the need to. I have to say that even though alot of readers may be sick of reading, posting on this forum has been a life line and a tremendous help. So have all the thoughtful comments, advice and experiences shared. Writing on here has literally been a journaling journey. Before this I didn't really believe that doing something like this could help so much but it has kept me going. Thanks everyone who has commented on here. It's good to know that I'm not alone in all of this.

[usa1ah]

Hope you are doing better though.

[usa1ah]

Sounds like you were in love with him but just couldn’t live with him. That is a sad situation to be in. It is understandable why you are hurting so much. I’m guessing it feels like you lost a loved one but they are still there.

[girlygo]

Hi All, well it's been nearly one month since I last updated here and now 3 months of no contact with my ex.

 

I'm feeling better, as in,  I'm not thinking of him every minute of the day like I was before.  I still miss him everyday but I'm not crying everyday..... it's weird as it's music -  listening to certain songs when they come on the radio that will make me feel sad all of a sudden.  Strangely at the weekend I had a few glasses of wine and suddenly had an emotional outburst at a friend when she suggested that I should stop saying that I wish my breakup had ended better and that the police hadn't have had to get involved.  She said  I was making excuses for my ex.  I got upset and angry about that and nearly burst into tears, defending that our relationship wasn't always bad.  I realised then that I am still nowhere near over him and even though my feelings are more hidden and under control they are still there. 

 

So I'm getting through each day,  made one new friend in 3 months which isn't bad, but quite honestly I still don't feel much different from when I was in a relationship with my ex. My confidence is still lower and so is my self esteem, and I'm not very sure of myself or my future.  I'm busier, but I'm eating more and started smoking again which isn't great.  What worries me is that I'm still not feeling like my life has improved or changed that significantly for the better.  Is that a sign that I made a mistake ending the relationship, or will it just take a while for me to find my feet, to heal or to get back to being the confident person I used to be?

 

It makes me wonder if  it was me whom I was really unhappy with rather than my ex but it's too late to go backwards.  I just wish I felt more as I still feel like there's a void in my life and it's "on pause" waiting for something to happen. 

 

Has anyone else felt this way months after a long term relationship ended?

Edited December 16, 2019 by girlygo

[TeddyBundy1993]

Oh boy it was so difficult to read. I asked myself why doesnt this women goes back to him lol.  But alright you made a decision and decided to stick to it. In these 13 years you got into habit of your ex like others said he was your drug. Slowly he will go into distance memory just keep working on it  after all you are a human and I can understand the pain very much as I m going through the same it's such a pain memories hopes dreams and comes to a clumsy end. Pfff maybe try antidepressants and discuss with your doctor about them.  Crying and missing him is so normal you are not abnormal in anyway. I m a man and I cried in front of my senior citizen parents like a pussy hahaha dont be ashamed of yourself. You are what you are. Time will heal. Keep up with NC it helps a lot. Just curious how old are you both ?

[girlygo]

11 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

Oh boy it was so difficult to read. I asked myself why doesnt this women goes back to him lol.   

 

Crying and missing him is so normal you are not abnormal in anyway. I m a man and I cried in front of my senior citizen parents like a pussy hahaha dont be ashamed of yourself. You are what you are. Time will heal. Keep up with NC it helps a lot. Just curious how old are you both ?

I know...I miss and love him so much but I was no longer attracted to him, we'd ran out of things to talk about... he was always on Youtube... I was no longer happy with the relationship not moving on, as I knew that I couldn't really live with him in the long run and he seemed quite happy just coasting along.  I'm 42 and he is 53.  Were you the one who ended your relationship?

[TeddyBundy1993]

Man considering your ages I believe it's better to let go. Btw you consider to go back to him after some gap years down the road ? Mine was long distance and she left me for a older man who is 16 years older to her. She has lots of mental issues. What I see is relationship these days dont last very few of them last long or forever. I understand you dear love is really a gamble pfff and sadly there is no easy way out of heartbreaks. You have to deal with emotions like you I also have up downs of emotions crying telling my friends and parents about her they are also fed up lol to hear it. But let's stick to this. Also I suggest you to read some recovery books that gonna help too atleast to me it did. Bottomline is to keep fighting every day it's a battle with out own self our own emotions and to know millions of others are going through the same. What fears me we wont be the same people we used to be even after we heal so just love yourself and dont doubt yourself. Giving 13 years to someone is not easy at all. Rest keep venting here slowly we all gonna heal and live our life without any regret or chained to our past

[girlygo]

Yes,  staying strong is important and the healing will be slow.  Alot of the time I feel abnormal for feeling this way and that I should have no excuse to because I was not the one who was told it's over.  I'm with you on fearing that I'll never be the same person again, even after healing.  I feel different,  as though part of me has permanently changed and not sure whether I'll find the real, old me again or whether this is now the new me and I have to start afresh,  building on my confidence,  self esteem,  friends,  self belief and positivity. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

Such feelings is a part of recovery. People do change over time and as other say we all learn from our relationships. Take it one day to deal with often we think about future and that messes up about our feelings. Dont just ignore how you feel you must talk to someone honestly it helps. We need reassurance in ourself.  I m in 1 month of NC knowing she wont return is awful but life goes on and slowly we will get used to live with these feelings and it will be normal again.  Take care dear... good luck

[Melek]

•  just ended a 13 year relationship with my partner. I had been unhappy for a while (he told me afterwards that he could tell) but I kept putting off ending it due to me not wanting to hurt and upset him, fear of my own loneliness and also because we've been together so long and, despite everything, I still love him so much but I'm no longer attracted to him or feel we have much in common anymore.
•  
• I fantasised about feeling relief and how I would start moving on with my life countless times but today, when I actually told him i was no longer happy and the relationship isn't working,

im sorry........... im an em path.......... with mental issues..........

 

i also have felt these exact feelings.......... in a relationship

yet............. i feel you have done the cruel thing.........

i have read the whole tread.........with all of your suffering..........

yet i feel you have done the most cruel thing.......... without sending even an explanation..........

you have just pulled away..... stubbornly............ 

we only have one life to live......... dont we......?

 

how is it an intelligent........... or mature of your choice on your mate?

 

when people say protect self........... they have a right set of mind....... yet it is very amature of the character

and inhumane in a sense..........you are proving the Darwin theory of preserving of the Fittest

 

im very sorry to say this.......... and i understand you may feel the huge morbid feelings

yet your act is inhumane.............. im sorry..........

 

i have a personal prove.......if you put the humility above the ego....

a peaceful brake up is possible.......

yet this NC.............. with BOTH PARTIES...... suffering soo much is soo cruel........

almost as if...... he was a serial stalker or a killer........

how close did you ever felt your self to him during these 13 years

or were you ever?

or you are just obsessed with your own wound ........... way too much

he disses you...........and finds a comfort with an ex

 

i understand its hard......... but how much your self was able to address these issues?

the relationship gains years......... yet your own intimacy with him would not allow? to penetrate and ask those questions?

 

and all of the sudden all the faults are put up on him?.........

 

have you tried your hardest?

 

or you just want a validation the cruelty of reading his emotions and not answering one bit is VALID?

 

in my eyes it makes you guys both equals........... you are the escapee and he is the follower

 

just makes the 2 of you..........

 

to each of its own..

 

we all deserve it....... i ques........... 

 

 

 

 

[Melek]

all these things are only working when there is a power play at work

 

all these YOUTUBE links are mostly working when there is a power play at work

 

im sorry all.............. these are all a link for a power play at work

 

its not the same when you are talking to an aware individual

 

with an aware individual............. you actually feel and see you say and it has a valid feedback

 

then you go about it and you are open........ to voice it it is hurtful

 

and they will want to work around it

 

they dont want you to hurt too bad............ they want to aid you yet

they want to stay independent........... yet wanting to help you heal

and they will go with you .......... to a healer or a psychotherapy

 

to make you understand......... they want out............

 

we dont have to cold turkey

 

and they dont want it.............. and they dont........... punish you

 

they want to aid.............

 

its just a baloney

 

lol.............. and old fashioned

 

toxic toxic brake ups that is what it is

 

 

 

[Melek]

9 hours ago, Melek said:

your just scared....and you have your own reasons......... that is understandable....yet you are using him ........

even now.......... imagine........ countries between them self...... would have such a diplomatic interactions?

cold turkey NC 

haha

there are things that are  older then us...........

 

 

[girlygo]

On 12/21/2019 at 3:19 PM, Melek said:

imagine........ countries between them self...... would have such a diplomatic interactions?

cold turkey NC 

haha

there are things that are  older then us...

Sorry Melek, I don't really understand what you mean by the above? Also, I did try hard... of course I was at fault too.  Keeping in contact would have just prolonged the pain wouldn't it?