I ended my 13 year relationship so why do I feel depressed and not relieved?

[preraph]

At some point you are going to have to block him. You need to tell your family or anyone he may try to leverage against you to please not speak to him or give him any info about you. He sounds kind of stalkerish, so I'm a bit worried about that.

 

Him being depressed -- don't let him hold you hostage over that! That's for him and his family to deal with. You are OUT. It's just a way to control you. At some point soon you will have to tell him you don't want him to contact you anymore.

 

I can see why you have trouble sleeping. He makes me nervous. I wouldn't trust him. But the sooner you put him on (written- email) notice no more contact, then if he breaks that and gets out of hand, you take that to the police and get a restraining order. I hope it doesn't come to that. But if it does they can only arrest him once the order is in place unless he would hit you or something, push you, and you called 911 right then and stuck to your guns about it and asked them to file the complaint and take him away.

 

Also, if he won't quit, keep logs of each unwanted contact after you told him no more contact. Just in case you need them. You know, depressed stalkery guys who won't take no for an answer are exactly the type who shoot you and then take themselves out too. So you be careful. You can't be too careful. Hoping he'll just respect your decision after you tell him in writing and move on. But you can't keep giving in and expect him to. You have to be able to say no, too.

[girlygo]

At some point you are going to have to block him. You need to tell your family or anyone he may try to leverage against you to please not speak to him or give him any info about you. He sounds kind of stalkerish, so I'm a bit worried about that.

 

Him being depressed -- don't let him hold you hostage over that! That's for him and his family to deal with. You are OUT. It's just a way to control you. At some point soon you will have to tell him you don't want him to contact you anymore.

 

I can see why you have trouble sleeping. He makes me nervous. I wouldn't trust him.

 

I know, he sent another 2 texts overnight blaming my friends for giving me "the script" to end the relationship and "ruin his life" and that he'd now ruin their lives even though he doesn't know where they live or work. I had already replied to his text which threatened to send a letter to my mum by saying to please stop sending these messages and threatening me. His response 10 minutes later was to call me a disgusting name and accuse me of being a cheat and that he should "spread a bit of the truth around". What he is writing isn't rational and I've tried to ignore it, thinking he will stop but he's not. There are no threats to me personally but whereas I was starting to feel better I now feel more trapped than before, anxious and wondering if and when he'll just give up. He is blaming me and everyone else but would the police take any of this seriously? He emailed to say he was changing his number and email address but he still sent two texts. I thought he'd start to accept that it's over but he seems to want to punish or upset me even more.

[girlygo]

I keep blaming myself thinking "should I have rang him after I ended the relationship and spoken to him?" "Was I wrong to ignore him?" .I ignored him because continuing to text wasn't fair on him or me because I was distancing myself from him and more emotional pain. I thought it was the right thing to do but maybe I was wrong? He feels like I mistreated him and betrayed him but surely continuing to talk would have made things worse?

[salparadise]

You know, depressed stalkery guys who won't take no for an answer are exactly the type who shoot you and then take themselves out too.

 

Good grief, why don't you try and catastrophize? Why do you do this sh*t?

 

 

OP, you're grieving a major loss even if it was your decision. It's going to take time, and you need to go through the grieving process, not cut it short. Healing and letting go will happen over time, and for a long relationship such as this it may take quite awhile. In the meantime, start rebuilding your life and reinvigorating relationships and creating meaning elsewhere. Understand that what you feel is temporary and it always changes with time, even day to day. What you feel is not who you are, it's just how you feel in this moment. Accept it as normal after such a loss.

 

As for the former boyfriend... be as compassionate as possible. There is no need to think the worst. Hold the good memories as you let go of the relationship. Remember that whatever you're going through, it's worse for him. He's suffering the same loss, but it was thrust upon him involuntarily. He probably feels it was unfair as well. Being hurt and angry is part of the process for him too.

 

If safety is a concern then yes, take it seriously, but don't dramatize just for effect.

[girlygo]

Well, not heard from my ex for 3 days now. No texts or phone calls and he's not carried out any of his threats i.e sending mail to/ visiting my parents' home. I keep mulling over what he's said and written and feeling guilty like this is all my fault but my friends are saying that this is just how he has made me feel, that the relationship was coercive and that I will eventually see it for what it was. The weekend is here and I've been constantly doing anything to keep myself occupied... cleaning the home, going out so that I don't have to stay with my thoughts for too long because inevitably they go back to analysing the relationship and what he wrote or said, what I've done wrong in the past and what he did.

 

I went out with a friend who I hadn't caught up with in nearly a year for a meal last night. I thought to myself that I need to start reaching out to people and making new friends and she was a good friend who I lost touch with - my relationship came before everything and now I realise that not having it has left a big void in my life. Even in one of his emails my ex said my friends have dwindled to one and that now he is "crossed off the list." I'm now second guessing my decision and wondering whether what I've done is right and also whether there is actually something wrong with me in all of this. I know that I put more focus on him than everyone else. He was giving me advice in his email saying I should start "grovelling" to my brother (we have very limited contact and fell out 2 years ago) because over the next few years I will need him when my dad dies (he's very old and quite ill and we're close) because I won't have anyone else. He said that his "replacement won't be enough to support" me. Reading this actually made me feel worse but then what followed the next day was a text from my ex saying that it is a pity that he will not be there when I get the phone call that my dad is dead "but it's going to hurt and I relish the thought of that. "

 

I'll keep writing here, hope you guys don't mind.

Edited October 6, 2019 by girlygo

[girlygo]

What I don't understand is that when I ended the relationship he understood and said that I can't be with someone I don't want to be with anymore. He said he knew I had been unhappy for a while etc. but then a few days later he completely changed and accused me of lying, cheating and betraying him and destroying his life.

[elaine567]

You deeply hurt him and he is lashing out to hurt you as deeply as you hurt him.

 

Break ups can be brutal.

The person we shared personal details and feelings with, can use that inside info to wound us deep to the core.

By accusing you of lying and cheating, he protects his own ego.

"I am not to blame for all this upset YOU are... I am a nice person, I don't deserve this, you are a lying and cheating [insert derogatory term of choice]..."

 

Many men believe that "There must be someone else, else why would she want to break up", but truth is many women especially in LTRs leave for no-one but themselves.

Try not to engage in squabbling.

He is desperate at the moment, it has now hit him you are not coming back.

[girlygo]

Try not to engage in squabbling.

He is desperate at the moment, it has now hit him you are not coming back.

 

I haven't engaged with him since a couple of days after ending the relationship when I just replied that I was ok to his text asking me. All of the following texts were just from him and I never responded until I texted to say please stop sending me these messages and trying to threaten me. I feel so bad about it all, I don't want to hurt him, I feel like ringing and explaining that I still and always will love him, that I've not cheated etc and rationalizing again that it's not working but not sure whether that would make a difference. I feel responsible, almost like I don't want him to think that I'm a bad person that set out to hurt him. Because I've not texted or spoken to him since, he just doesn't realise just how painful and hard this has been for me too. I've cried nearly every day and it has been 2 weeks today since we split. Should I email or try to explain?

[girlygo]

I don't want to get back together but I don't want him to think that I really didn't care about him or that this was an easy decision for me. Is it normal to feel this guilty?

[elaine567]

Trouble is any contact you instigate now will give him hope.

He will likely see any upset you show as being a sign you want him back or that he has a chance to win you back.

Or you may receive more of the nasty comments designed to hurt you.

Unless you are having serious second thoughts, I would leave him alone.

[FMW]

Elaine is right, leave it (him) alone. He has to deal with this on his own, you can't help him.

 

Just focus on yourself and what you want to do in your new life without him.

 

Yes, it's normal to feel guilty. I was married for 23 years, my husband was unfaithful for many of those years, but I've experienced a lot of guilt for choosing to divorce him. He told me I took everything away from him (not monetarily, but stability, security, etc.) and three years later still plays on my guilt in his occasional texts, the most recent being yesterday. Others who haven't experienced it don't get it because it's not rational - but yes - it's normal to feel responsibility and guilt for someone you spent so many years with.

[girlygo]

I hadn't received any texts for 3 days so, thinking that was the last I'd heard from him and that he had finally given up messaging me every day/ other day I deleted all the texts and his number. I thought that I wouldn't need to keep a record. Then I received another in the early hours basically saying that he will have his revenge on my new (imaginary) boyfriend and my friends, he's just "biding my time, see you all soon x." I don't know what he is trying to achieve as I am not replying. I managed to recover the deleted texts. I feel like this is some sort of power game. It's irrational.

[preraph]

Look, he has gone sour and his behavior isn't acceptable. You need to block him from your social media and from being able to contact you. Any contact is just adding fuel to his fire. If he makes a physical threat, you should call the police and keep a log of everything and keep anything in writing. Before you go no contact, first send him the last email or text (and keep that) telling him, "Please don't contact me again." Because you need to have told him in case he does do something and you have to make a case for police.

[girlygo]

Even after all the hurtful texts he's sent and the fact that it was my decision to end it, the realisation seems to have hit me even more now. This evening I had gone out for a meal with friends and left to walk back home on my own... it had just gotten dark. I suddenly felt lonely and vulnerable. Usually whenever I'd be on my own like this I'd check in with my now ex, he'd tell me to ring when I was on the train/taxi/ arrive at my destination. In a split second I forgot he was my ex and out if habit I nearly rang him. When I made it home I was suddenly overcome by loneliness as I thought, "I've noone who is thinking/ wondering if I'm ok/ looking out for me/ reassuring/ caring about my safety" anymore. No one is thinking of me in that moment.... I'm just walking home on my own, physically and mentally. I miss what seems like such a trivial thing but it caught me unawares and made me feel so sad and pathetic at the same time. I mean, I'm a grown woman and I'm feeling like a lost kid. I'm missing him so much right now but don't know whether I'm confusing it with just feeling sorry for myself... so from guilty and confused to now lonely and self pitying... more emotions to add to the mix. In bed, cried again like a baby of course and now awake in the early hours of the morning writing this after just 3 hours sleep. This feels so unreal

Edited October 9, 2019 by girlygo

[girlygo]

Hi all, not posted on here for week or so, so thought I'd give you an update. Things have taken a turn for the worst over the last week. I was still feeling sad and missing my ex and then the abusive text messages intensified to the point where he was leaving voice messages demanding to come around to collect a bed he'd given me about 5 years before and that I've been sleeping in all that time. I didn't reply and didn't want him to come to my home. I think he really wanted a reason to get inside and give me more abuse as he was very angry that I wasn't returning his texts and messages which had become more vile and hate filled. I rang the police as a non emergency just to report and log the harassment because I started to panic at the thought that he could turn up... it was getting out of hand.

 

Then two days ago he turned up at my home ringing the doorbell frantically and I rang the police. They didn't arrive until hours later and then went to visit him to warn him off but he either didn't answer or was out.

 

I'm now so anxious about being at home and worried he might just turn up again. The police told me to block his number which in some ways is good because I don't have to read or listen to the hurtful messages but in other ways frightening as I have no idea what he might do next. I can't believe this is happening .... it's hard enough ending the relationship and having to deal with that and the emotions, but now added to that is heightened fear, stress and worry about how he's reacting and tuning in to every sound outside wandering whether he's hanging around. It's so sad ... despite this I can't hate him and I'm full of regret that things have ended this way. I don't feel like I can move on... he's just not letting me or he wants to draw out the pain. It's working at the moment. I'm so exhausted with this and just want it to end

[thecrucible]

[Aww that sounds so hard for you . Is there anyone who can keep you company at home from time to time so you start to feel less anxious?

 

His behaviour just shows that you were right to leave imo. He shouldn't be doing this to you. He should respect your decision.

Edited October 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[FMW]

That is really scary. Be careful, tell all your friends and family (and neighbors if you know them well enough) so that they can help keep an eye out.

[stillafool]

If it continues do not be afraid to take out a restraining order on him. You have to protect yourself.

[girlygo]

[Aww that sounds so hard for you . Is there anyone who can keep you company at home from time to time so you start to feel less anxious?

 

Unfortunately not because I think my friends are too worried about themselves being possibly targeted on the way into my home seeing as my ex made threats to them in his texts as well. I'm just wary when I have to go out - this is how he's made me feel now. He said in one of his texts that he would start a "real drama" and that's what he's done. Update is the police have gone to his address twice now and no answer. I really believe that he's staying somewhere else for a few days and expected that I'd call them after he came to my home. Im worried that the police will lose interest now. I don't think I'll ever feel safe unless I knew he had been spoken to

[girlygo]

I thought I would be feeling better or different but I've felt worse today... numb, and now really sad, feeling completely lonely. I meant to go to the gym but I couldn't motivate myself to this morning and now I just feel completely zapped of any energy. I know I need to get out there and make new friends and get into new activities. I booked s yoga class this morning for later but now I can't face it. I wish I could feel normal again. How long will these feelings last and am I expecting too much too soon? I pictured myself being happier and full of hope after the breakup but I don't feel as though anything has got better. I feel empty

[Ruby Slippers]

If it continues do not be afraid to take out a restraining order on him. You have to protect yourself.

I agree with this. And if you have any communication with him, let him know that you'll file a restraining order if he does anything crazy again. Then if he does, follow through.

 

It's normal to feel sad and lonely after any breakup, especially after a 13-year relationship. I ended a short 5-month relationship 5 months ago, and it's only lately that I'm beginning to feel like myself again.

[girlygo]

My ex hasn't done anything crazy since that weekend 7 days earlier. His delayed reaction was over the top but I think the anger has subsided and real sadness has sank in. His last voice message was 3 days ago... even though I had blocked his number the voice message still came through, it just didn't ring. He was sobbing down the phone crying "I can't stop thinking of you. " Despite everything that has happened it was heart breaking to hear but unbelievable given the horrendous messages he had sent. I have not phoned back but it has left me feeling anxious and stressed all over again and really upset

[girlygo]

It's been 29 days since I ended my 14 year relationship which I think is a codependent one. Apart from 2 texts early on which were in response to my ex partner's abusive ones that went on for 3 weeks, I have not responded to any others or the voice messages. I called the police when he turned up ringing my doorbell a week ago- he was so angry and hurtful and vengeful. The police still haven't managed to get in touch with him but then all the messages stopped. I blocked him a week ago, although for some reason voice messages still come through. The last voice message was 4 days ago. He had completely changed,, sobbing down the phone, his message was 'I can't stop thinking of you.'

 

I've been so stressed about all his texting and harassment that I don't think I had time to absorb and process me ending the relationship. He wasn't abusive like this when we were together but occasionally I felt like I was waking on eggshells or that he would get moody. Now it's hit me and I'm overwhelmed with loneliness and pain. I feel so empty and despite everything Im missing him so much. When I heard him crying all I could think of was ringing him and telling him that I love him and it's ok but it's not ok is it? The relationship was not working for me anymore but now I feel like a big part of my world is missing and it's worse without him. Have I made a mistake? How do I know I've made the right decision when I feel so terrible and miss him now so much? The urge to ring him is so strong that it feels like I'm literally forcing myself not to pick up the phone. I've only had one serious relationship before this one of 7 years and it felt nothing like this.

 

I know he's all alone because he moved to my town to be near me. Should I remain not contacting him or ring him to see how he is? It's so strange to just cut someone off that I've known for such a long time. Does that make me a bad person?

[ajequals]

the bottom line is you love him ..You haven't gone into why you left but it must have been something that bugged you enough to want to leave.. I feel his part in this the past couple weeks is somewhat understandable He loves and misses you and wants you back ..Do you feel counseling would help correct the reason you left in the first place? if not maybe it's time to change your number

[balletomane]

OP, his reaction was more than "over the top". He didn't want the breakup, and it's natural for him to be in pain...but it's not natural for him to threaten revenge against you and your friends, send you verbal abuse, and leap to the conclusion that you must have been cheating. I know this might be difficult for you to hear, but he was capable of this all along. Breakups do not make people start acting in ways that are completely out of character. They only uncover what was already there. I'm terribly hurt by my ex's decision to break up with me and by how he carried it out. But I didn't react by getting threatening or vicious, because that just isn't me. There are hundreds of posters on here who have been through the same bitter disappointment, but I doubt they reacted as your ex did either. His behaviour over the breakup only confirms that you were right to break up with him. Someone who acts in such a vindictive and frightening way when they experience one of life's most common disappointments isn't a person you want to be with. You made a good call. Stay strong.