I ended my 13 year relationship so why do I feel depressed and not relieved?

[girlygo]

I just ended a 13 year relationship with my partner. I had been unhappy for a while (he told me afterwards that he could tell) but I kept putting off ending it due to me not wanting to hurt and upset him, fear of my own loneliness and also because we've been together so long and, despite everything, I still love him so much but I'm no longer attracted to him or feel we have much in common anymore.

 

I fantasised about feeling relief and how I would start moving on with my life countless times but today, when I actually told him i was no longer happy and the relationship isn't working, I found myself bursting into tears, sobbing uncontrollably and filled with sadness at the realisation of losing someone who is such a big part of my life. Hours later I feel depressed and shellshocked. He was fine at first, actually calming me down as we hugged each other, but then became tearful and demanded to know whether there was anyone else. On a side note he had been having an emotional relationship with an ex from many years ago.... online but nonetheless secret correspondence. I on the other hand have not, there is no one else.

 

Having only had one other relationship before this one I really didn't expect to feel like this when it was me who broke up with my partner. Is this normal? I keep cycling between feeling guilty, worried about him, then sad wondering whether I made a mistake and should call, then thinking I've done the right thing, then empty and drained. It's only day 1. Will this get better or should I be worried that I've made a bad decision?

Edited September 22, 2019 by girlygo

[FMW]

Yes, it's normal. Even though you've been thinking about it for a while, actually ending the relationship brings on new emotions and anxieties.

 

The guilt, worrying about him, and doubting your decision is part of the process. Give yourself some time. He was in your life for at least 13 years, it's going to take a while to adjust to the transition.

[schlumpy]

It's hard to say. You seem very conflicted on why you broke up except for the "not attracted to him anymore" which usually means there is someone else you are attracted to. You say - no one else.

 

Could it be that after 13 years your relationship had no where else to go?

[preraph]

After 13 years, it's a part of your identity, so you'll feel a little lost for awhile, but I bet you start enjoying your life again soon, on your own and eventually with someone new.

 

I'm glad it wasn't too tough on him. He saw it coming. Now he can find someone new who is attracted to him for as long as that lasts, so he'll be okay. I mean, it's probably more normal than not to lose that attraction after some years. Some lucky people don't, but sometimes it just becomes too familial, more like brotherly love or something like that. Unless both people are okay with a decrease in sexual attraction like that, it does upset the apple cart.

 

Pamper yourself for awhile. You'll be okay.

[girlygo]

The worst part is that as our relationship was all immersing and too isolating in the sense that we were both pretty much best friends , I made the mistake of prioritising our relationship over everything else and my social circle depleted as a consequence. I only have one friend and realise that I have a lot of work to make new friends and a new life. In my 40s the prospect seems not only daunting but scary as I don't know where to start.

[preraph]

That's a mistake I've lost more than one female friend to. Don't ever do that again. You should reach out to any old good friends and just say you were thinking of them. Don't unload and tell them you're contacting them because you're going through a divorce. They may be resentful because you did abandon them before, but if they're old good friends, one at least might understand. I mean, at least some women have let their men run off their female friends for them and some people just have no use for same-sex friends after they have a partner, which weirds me out.

 

Reach out over social media. Most of them will probably be busy with family by now and not have much time anyway. The ones who respond back nicely, tell them, I realize you're probably overwhelmed with work and family like I had been, but I'd love to get together and catch up. But don't just dump on them about your breakup or, like me, they'll suspect you just want a shoulder to cry on and will be gone again once you have a new partner. Don't do that.

 

And once you've done some traveling and been fancy free for awhile, consider getting a pet. Cats are easier to deal with and still be gone for a weekend, but dogs are truly better company than most people and twice as loyal! They'll never let you down.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd say it's normal. Just going by what you wrote here, I get the impression the relationship could possibly be salvaged - if you both want to do that. If not, then you make your peace with it, wish each other the best, and move on.

 

I've never been in a relationship as long as 13 years, but from what I've read and observed, there are things couples need to do the keep the flame burning. After a while, it's natural for it to wane in intensity. A lot of people aren't aware of what they need to do to actively stoke the flame. I think it's an important relationship skill that people in general aren't great at.

 

I broke up with someone 4 months ago after an on-off but intense 5 months. At first I was stoic about moving on and doing what I need to do, but lately it's sinking in what I lost. Ultimately, "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Right?

 

The best we can do is stay positive and be thankful for the good times we had.

[girlygo]

Thanks for the comments so far. Unfortunately our relationship could never have been considered normal (read some of my other posts). We started living together, split up 4 years into the relationship for about a year and a half, got together again but weren't living together for about a year, then lived together again, then I moved out again after about a year as I realised I couldn't live with him and moved into my own place and continued being in a relationship with him ever since but living separately. We're not married by the way.

[RedOlive]

I'm (also in my 40's) not married, and my longest relationship was 5 years, but here's my two cents - from what you have shared, you are making the right call to end this relationship and try to move on.

 

Look at the facts - you have been together for over a decade and marriage didn't happen. Now, maybe both of your decided that this is what you are happy with, but it is still a long time to be together without a very firm commitment. He is having an emotional affair (one that you know of), so of course you wouldn't be attracted to him or want to be with this man. You have also broken up and got back together a few times. Statistically, on-again-off again relationships do not have much of a good long term outlook.

 

You are clearly logical enough to see that there is no serious future here, and you must want one or you wouldn't be trying to end this relationship. Just because you are the one to call it quits, doesn't mean you are not grieving. I'm sure you wish things would be different, so your decision is based on analysis, not your true "being done" with this situation.

 

To a stranger on the internet, it seems you are doing the right thing for you. Best of luck keeping your resolve to get out and stay out and finding a more fulfilling life.

[d0nnivain]

13 years is a long time. He was a significant part of your life. At times you must have assumed he would be there forever & now he's not.

 

As much as you wanted out & knew it wasn't working there were some good parts. You care about him & hate to be the source of his pain. Change is scary. The prospect of starting all over & your ticking bio clock are probably daunting

 

Whatever you are feeling, you are supposed to be feeling. You have stuff to process. You will do that in your own time & in your own way.

[girlygo]

This is the worst feeling. I didn't sleep well last night and I've had bouts of crying today. The only time I was ok was whilst working because I was distracted. I still love him so much and already missing chatting on the phone, telling him about my day or just sending a text. I've felt so confused today and so sad that I almost just want to ring him and tell him I made a mistake to stop this emotional pain. He texted me this evening to say that he was moving out the area back to his home town because there's no point in staying when he doesn't know anyone else. He only moved near me to be with me and never really made any friends. When I read it I felt like my heart had been ripped out, but I just had to reply that I understand. I don't know how long I'll feel this way but it's all consuming and so exhausting that I feel almost in a daze with what's going on. It's as though today has hit me harder than yesterday. Please tell me this is a normal response to ending a relationshi and that I'm really not losing it

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Totally normal! 13 years is a long time. You're not losing it! Hang in there. It will get better!

[d0nnivain]

You are feeing what you are feeling. Change is hard. You are not losing it.

 

You didn't break up on a whim. This relationship wasn't working. If it has been all that & bag of chips you would still be together. Going back to something that was not work is no answer. You would still be miserable just for different reasons. At least what you are feeling now is the purge, cutting away the dead parts to allow new healthy growth; in time you will be healed. It's just initially painful

[Highndry]

What sort of work did you put into trying to remedy the situation? It seems you just decided to break up without even exploring other options. Bummer. My guess is that he'll go find another woman and you'll be left wondering why you blew your whole life up.

 

That being said, he's a dirtbag for having an emotional affair. That's never ok for any partner to do.

[girlygo]

What sort of work did you put into trying to remedy the situation? It seems you just decided to break up without even exploring other options. Bummer. My guess is that he'll go find another woman and you'll be left wondering why you blew your whole life up.

 

That being said, he's a dirtbag for having an emotional affair. That's never ok for any partner to do.

 

I can see why you would think that by just reading this post but that's not the case. I didn't just decide to break up.. this has been ongoing for a few years. It was very one sided in terms of me putting the effort in and feeling either taken for granted or silenced for having the "wrong" opinion if I challenged anything he said. To cut a long story short eventually I just gave up and spent the last 2 or 3 years (more so after discovering he was in touch with his ex from many years ago) coasting along and not rocking the boat because that was easier than actually facing having to make some tough decisions about the relationship. Fear I guess, fear of being alone, fear of not coping on my own because the relationship took a real toll on my self esteem and confidence

[girlygo]

This is so hard. 4 hours sleep last night, waking up at about 1.30am feeling anxious . Found it hard to concentrate at work today. For some reason tears would just start welling up in my eyes without me even having to think about him, happened a couple of times. Went to the gym at 6am because I wanted to try to exercise and raise my endorphins even though I felt like a zombie, almost as though I'm in a trance.

 

I had bits of the day when I felt better, then I'd start thinking about my ex, really missing him and wondering whether I'd made a mistake ending it. I was fine through most of the morning then early afternoon he texted me saying that he hoped I was ok and that he was missing me very much. I replied that I was and I wish I hadn't. All those emotions hit me like a punch in the heart and I was a mess all over again... now I'm wanting to text him tonight because I miss him so much and want to talk to him but I know it's not a good idea. Has anyone else been through this and felt the same? Sorry that I keep asking but I have never been through this before

[Highndry]

I'm wanting to text him tonight because I miss him so much and want to talk to him but I know it's not a good idea.

 

 

You broke up with him but you are wanting to use him as comfort while you detach. This is wrong. Leave him alone and find somebody else to lean on.

[FMW]

Don't reach out to him, it wouldn't be good for either of you. Unless you want the rest of your life to be the way it was when you were with him, have a clean break.

 

Things will get better, you just have to give it time. Learn to have your own life, independent and separate from him.

[Blind-Sided]

As above... DO NOT contact your ex !! It will prolong the hurt for everyone involved. Find a friend, or at least a coworker who you can go talk with.

[Beachead]

Hi girlygo,

 

This guy has been in your life for a significant portion so nothing's wrong with you for struggling with this breakup. Breakups in general are horrible. 13 years worth of memories, experiences, conversations for you. 13 years of getting used to him and his habits and the comfort and familiarity of him being there. It's gone now. The decision makes you feel unsettled. It's unfamiliar. Being with him makes you feel safe..it's familiar. It's not going to be easy to disconnect from all that. It's going to take a long time to feel like you can stand on your own two feet with confidence and peace of mind. Your emotions are very real and very normal.

 

Having said that, 3 months, 3 years or 13 years..makes no difference, breaking up is breaking up and the way to go about it will be the same. You must approach it as such. You broke up for a reason and you need to focus on what those reasons are, in detail. Recapture your mindset when you were thinking about ending it and do it everyday so that you won't slip up and reach out to him. You can do that here, you can write it in a journal for yourself, and/or you can do that with a therapist..but do it.

 

I had bits of the day when I felt better, then I'd start thinking about my ex, really missing him and wondering whether I'd made a mistake ending it. I was fine through most of the morning then early afternoon he texted me saying that he hoped I was ok and that he was missing me very much. I replied that I was and I wish I hadn't. All those emotions hit me like a punch in the heart and I was a mess all over again... now I'm wanting to text him tonight because I miss him so much and want to talk to him but I know it's not a good idea. Has anyone else been through this and felt the same? Sorry that I keep asking but I have never been through this before

 

These feelings are normal but don't reach out to him. Don't respond to him. Don't say stuff like that. You won't be doing him or yourself any favours.

 

Given your relationship history and the problems you two had, you're liable to return to him again and you two will go back to having problems again. You must understand that right now, you're like a drug addict. You know he's bad for you, but your withdrawal symptoms making you feel horrible, so you want to relieve them by returning to him. He will only give you a temporary fix of soothing all your anxiety/pain but ultimately being with him will make you feel worse in the long-run because it's not what you want. So again, you'll have to start this whole painful process again. Nothing is going to change with him. 13 years and neither of you decided to marry. Matter of fact, you even moved out and got your own place so you two went backwards. Neither of you left eachother because you were both too weak to face a future separately so you chose the easier route out of fear even though you're both unhappy.

 

Being apart triggers anxiety which causes fear. The fear makes you feel guilt for hurting him, doubts about whether you made the right call or whether you can discover a good future without him etc. All of which will coerce you back to him which is evident in the above post. You must fight it and stick to your decision. Again, this is why you must spend a great deal of time remind yourself of the reasons you ended it.

 

Use this thread and the Coping and No Contact Threads to post on, but don't turn to him.

 

- Beach

Edited September 27, 2019 by Beachead

[Nosoul]

why were you so unhappy? was it all because of attraction sexually? or boredom? ive seen this break up cycle with many people. it seems like one person starts to get cold feet, most of the time due to influence on social media, friends and their relationships. some long relationships end because the newness wares off. at least you were honest though. my ex dangled the carrot until she found a way to slowly turn the tables and be mad at me for no reason.

[stillafool]

Do not contact him, it wouldn't be fair. Call your 1 good friend for support.

[girlygo]

Thanks again for all your advice and comments. It has been 10 days now since the breakup and I have still managed not to contact or respond to him but it has been so hard. The support of my friends has been incredible and helps me to get through this. Things have taken a turn for the worst over the last week as my ex has sent me a text every 2 days. At first he was saying that he hoped I was ok to which I replied once that I hoped he was too to genuinely close off anymore conversation. That was 8 days ago. I didn't send a message again. Since then he has turned angry , accusing me of treating him like dirt, accusing my friends or someone else putting me up to ending the relationship. He also alluded back to the last time we split when he turned up at my parents where I was staying when he harassed me, sending a text to say that he will go and visit my mother to what I assume will be to tell her lies about me as well as a phone message stating the same if I don't get back and respond to him. I've not responded to any of the messages or phone call. It is making me anxious and also guilty at the same time as he suffers from depression so is in alot of pain. However I'm not sleeping well and don't understand how he could turn when at the time of ending the relationship he said it was ok and he knew I hadn't been happy for a while. I thought of blocking his number but at the same time worried if I don't then I will not know what he might do next . Equally when I receive a text it makes me feel terrible again, 1 step forward and 2 steps back

[Highndry]

He's upset as anybody would be who was dumped, especially after a long relationship. He's showing poor impulse control, sending messages he will regret.

[scooby-philly]

why were you so unhappy? was it all because of attraction sexually? or boredom? ive seen this break up cycle with many people. it seems like one person starts to get cold feet, most of the time due to influence on social media, friends and their relationships. some long relationships end because the newness wares off. at least you were honest though. my ex dangled the carrot until she found a way to slowly turn the tables and be mad at me for no reason.

 

I agree with this so much. Okay - not the last sentence - but just because it's never happened to me.

 

my two biggest breakups - most recent and ex fiancee 6+ years ago were terrible. The most recent one - 6 weeks tomorrow - was the most heartbreaking. WIth the ex-fiancee I'm glad it happened in retrospect. I was simply with her because it was my first real ltr and because she would be with me. But there wasn't a ton of chemistry and we weren't compatible for the long run either. But...it's interesting because about 4 months before it ended I had quit a full-time job that was absolute hell. She was all lovey dovey for 2-4 weeks till people starting questioning her about - why was she going to marry someone without a job? (we were approaching our wedding at this point. It was the best career move I ever made and helped me really start growing my career. So it proved she really didn't believe in me. Last relationship was an age difference thing - and it's taught me that people can say sweet things while also feeling different things. Said she didn't have time for a relationship, couldn't be mature and end it face to face, and then she's right out on a dating site looking as if there weren't times when she cried she didn't want to lose me. I doubt she will reach out because she could rarely acknowledge when she did something wrong, she hides things from people, and she can't process the fact that she can hurt someone even though she tries to always be the "good girl".

 

OP - keep at the NC and ignore him. It's okay to worry about his feelings. But it seems like its a toxic relationship for you and you deserve to be happy.