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beentheredonethat77

By beentheredonethat77
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beentheredonethat77 Established Member

beentheredonethat77

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Hi everyone,

 

Hoping some of the amazing wisdom on this board can chime in with insight.

 

Short story: -- Guy friendzoned me but is persuing me heavily for time with me / flirting sexually, complimenting me sexually/physically and other ways -- yet taken sex off the table for us.

 

I connected with a guy on Tinder approx 5 weeks ago ( 6 years younger.. which i didn't think was an issue at all but am now starting to wonder).. ) and there was instant physical and moreso intellectual / person chemistry with constant banter and one-upping eachother in a fun/laughing out loud way for both of us. He commented regularly that he loves that i keep him on his toes, describing me to a friend of his as 'brilliant and sexy.. there must be a catch'. I found him incredibly attractive too, but was not too forthcoming with compliments as we both seemed to be guarding ourselves closely. We went on to connect on a level with long deep discussions on many shared subjects we were interested in, our compatibility in that regard was off the charts --- he went on to often described me as the 'female version of himself ' (which I told him 'is a compliment coming from someone who thinks so highly of themselves' -- 'well good thing you're not self-loathing i guess'. I was always playing in good fun, but keeping it grounded. Though, i knew i was really starting to like this guy.

 

So here is the confusing part. After some great fun dates that were so easy, it was like being with your best friend but with tons of touching and eye-locking, cheeky comments etc, --- We eventually go to get intimate.

 

Before we're intimate we both say we're not looking for a bf/gf situation but if the right person came along 'you never know'. Neither of us claimed the other was it. The sex was amazing, and i dont say that often.. he knew what he was doing, maybe he leaned on the side of being a sexual lover but he had the goods to still come through..(sex was great for him too -- he said texted me about 50 'wows' and said it was out of this world for him).

 

He continues to flirt with me on text saying he has never been more turned on in his life and wakes up every morning turned on yada yada -- you get the picture im painting (that he is attracted).

 

During this time as we're not exclusive i know he is still on tinder and i am not naive enough to think hes probably sleeping with other women, i also see him adding hot women on tinder every day.

 

SO here is where i am VERY confused. He announces to me he wants to be JUST friends with no more sleeping together. I dont get it? why not try to get me as FWB.. He doesn't feel like i demand anything (exclusivity).. he is clearly attracted / enjoyed the sex --- He is texting me constantly (at this point more than me and being super sweet in the texts). Or plain sexual saying he just 'pleasured himself' to some of my pics (sorry TMI but again for context of, there is sexual attraction).

 

I thought it was a silly game and was going to call him out on it -- so i went to get a drink with him last night and had said i had dinner plans elsewhere but they had cancelled so i could stay longer, he said "oh i cant stay.. i have plans for dinner i made when you said you had some' and he left. Without even a kiss but saying to me " wow you're a gorgeous looking creature " and hugged me 'goodbye' and i kept a stiff upper lip like i wasn't upset about it (but i did feel rejected for sure).

 

He then texts.. "I just want to be friends as i dont want to mess up our amazing friendship.. and im worried if we keep sleeping together it will.. i want a long term friendship with you and wont jeopardize that with sex.. im in for the long- game of a genuine friendship with you'. He then proceeds to ask me out twice in the coming week for 'friendship' excursions, one being a restaurant trip two of us (that is quite a romantic type restaurant). I dont agree to either date as im still sort of in shock at this weird friendzoning. I am a little surprised and dont respond... so he messages me twice more today and says 'are we on for Tuesday's dinner?.. And then says 'btw you looked so hot yesterday.. damn". And .. 'really want to see you this week'.

 

My feeling initially was that hes a straight shooter.. and def doesn't have a gf or a serious situation pending... he messages me 10-20 times per day but hes not a big conversationalist in the texts, short and to the point.

 

So... there we have it -- im confused AF... I know nobody is a mind-reader here, but if anybody can shed some light on this the LS crew can. Is the 6 year age gap a turn-off for him relationship-wise perhaps.. i dont know.

 

Perhaps he genuinely is wanting friendship and thinks sex will ruin it.. I thought that was a myth guys wanting only a friendship from women they're attracted to (unless they're married etc) -- But then why the constant flirting / sexual banter and the desire to spend time with me? He has a lot of friends.. and complains he doesn't have time to see them all - yes we realllly get on well -- but then, why not try for a relationship with me!? ---

 

I know i could just ask him and i sort of did.. but his response is .."i just REALLY want a friendship with you.. i wont risk it with the sex, regardless of how great it is.. life is a series of trade offs". I guess i have to take him on face value with this even though its a first time for sure - especially *this* guy who i think is more in the player arena than not.. why he doesnt just try to get more sex, i dont get it.

 

Im stumped... This will probably remain a mystery but i hope not.

Edited by beentheredonethat77
Flame Aura Established Member

Flame Aura

Posted
Posted

Because he knows if he carries on having sex with you, at some point you will want more, and he has already decided you are not long term girlfriend material.

  • Like 1
greymatter Established Member

greymatter

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I wouldn't be in a situation like this and would just end contact. The mixed messages are not kind. When I was dating two years ago, I did make a friend who I am still friends with, but it wasn't in the context of mixed messages like this guy is giving you. He sounds all over the place and frankly he just doesn't sound like good friend material given that he seems to have no sensitivity to how his behavior/actions might be making you feel.

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I wonder if he'd already agreed to sexual exclusivity with someone else and got the major guilts after having sex with you.

 

I wouldn't keep this person as a friend, whatever is behind it. It's already too confusing and complicated.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
  • Like 1
Gretchen12 Established Member

Gretchen12

Posted
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Before we're intimate we both say we're not looking for a bf/gf situation but if the right person came along 'you never know'.

 

He really meant it, at least by "right person" he meant someone else. You didn't totally mean what you said.

 

... why not try for a relationship with me!? ---

 

You changed your tunes after you were intimate. He didn't.

 

It seems to me you go along with him too much. You shouldn't let him decide what happens all the time and just accept it. The flirty texts are his way of letting you down easy. He isn't right for you. This isn't what you want. You should decide your own fate.

  • Like 3
Beendaredonedat Established Member

Beendaredonedat

Posted
Posted
My feeling initially was that hes a straight shooter.. and def doesn't have a gf or a serious situation pending... he messages me 10-20 times per day but hes not a big conversationalist in the texts, short and to the point.
and my gut tells me is a total player who has likely done this everytime he bop some chica on Tinder who agrees to not be in anything serious just before she "gets intimate" with him.

 

Let me guess... he brought up the "nothing serious" speech, right?

 

Now, you will end it and he won't have to go through the trouble of doing it or looking like the bad guy or YOU will eventually cave to the BS he spews your way about your "hotness" (not that you're not, just sayin) and you'll end up going to bed with him again just to make yourself think you are more than his "friend"

 

pffft. He's a player to the nth degree. People don't join Tinder to find activity partners of the platonic kind. Surely!

 

He's already got himself wedged solidly in your brain and has you second guessing your ability to pull a guy. Ignore his BS and just let him fade and in the meantime you can get your ego stroked by his attempts to sweet talk you in how "hot" you are. :rolleyes:

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

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Maybe he's been reading those PUA websites learning how to confuse women. You must have seen that link someone posted on the something like "autism an excuse for being a jerk" thread that's current right now. It is just a lot of manipulation of this very sort. I wouldn't break my brain over it.

 

For certain, he sounds like a player, and I suspect the PUA variety, but at least he's good in bed and fun to talk to. I wouldn't invest in him emotionally if you can keep from it and I would stay busy seeing friends or dating other guys so that you're not always available, because I do feel he's playing some sort of game, dangling the bait, as it were. Determine not to get yourself worked up about it and just enjoy whatever he has to offer while going on about your life. That's what he's going to do.

  • Like 1
smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Everyone is assuming but there is no solid evidence as to what he is really doing. The only way to solve this is to have a frank conversation with him. So far you have been letting him do all the talking....now it's your turn. Then tell him he can shove this "friendship" bs up his a$$.

  • Like 2
Gretchen12 Established Member

Gretchen12

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his response is .."i just REALLY want a friendship with you.. i wont risk it with the sex, regardless of how great it is.. life is a series of trade offs".

 

He sounds like his mind is made up. You don't need to understand it to accept it. Tell him you already have enough friends.

  • Like 3
preraph Established Member

preraph

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Well, he says friends but he's still telling her he's jacking off to her, so something is up. I think he likes dangling a lot of women probably. But it's also possible he just likes to have a lot of women sending him photos to jack off to. I would go about my business and stay busy otherwise and not focus on him and see what happens then.

 

Do beware because it is possible on all the common interests, that is just more PUA stuff which tells you to agree with and mirror the woman's interests and pretend you have a lot in common.

  • Like 3
Inspire Established Member

Inspire

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Sooner or later we all have to answer to someone and maybe he sensed that despite what you were saying that you'd expect more if things continued on the way they did. What I don't get is how things could go from so amazing to potential FWB and now to friends only. There is clearly a disconnect here or maybe it was all infatuation and nothing more.

  • Like 2
Mrin Established Member

Mrin

Posted
Posted
I wonder if he'd already agreed to sexual exclusivity with someone else and got the major guilts after having sex with you.

 

I wouldn't keep this person as a friend, whatever is behind it. It's already too confusing and complicated.

 

This most likely. He is tossing you into a holding pattern.

 

Regardless I would treat him like a new friend with boundary issues (e.g. "you looked so hot") and sends mixed messages. In other words, don't give him much of your time and attention.

  • Like 2
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beentheredonethat77 Established Member

beentheredonethat77

Posted
  • Author
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some excellent insight here LS ... you didn't disappoint.

 

hes all about the ego strokes and does fish for them so it occured to me hes playing me with some reverse psychology too, hoping i'll beg for .. "noooo... i want more than friendship... please sleep with me" .. etc.

 

I do agree with those who think hes a player, he ("jokingly") asks about my attractive friends and also ogles girls in front of me. As im typing this, im realizing he is a massive douche lol .. i feel like an idiot for even going this far with him.

 

LS.. you never fail to deliver me clarity and insight -- Thank you!!

  • Like 3
preraph Established Member

preraph

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Asking about if you have attractive friends would be a HUGE red flag for me because I've been irreparably betrayed that way.

  • Like 2
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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Posted (edited)

He sounds like a player who is messing with your head. There is no reason on earth why you should have regular non-dates with a guy who says he wants to be a friend. If he wants to be a friend he should not be claiming to be 'enjoying' your pics. He sounds pretty warped to me.

 

Yes, I agree with others that he is a player, trying to confuse you and throw you off-balance. The end goal is probably to make you fall in love with him and want sex with him regardless of lack of commitment.

 

I think just refuse to go along with these games. Date other people, avoid this guy and if he asks why, say it's not what you are looking for. I would suggest do not elaborate on this. Let him wonder. If he likes you, he should start working to win you back with proper dates and a relationship. Don't bank on it though if he is a guy who is a manipulator. How can you trust someone like that?

 

Better to find someone else that get involves in this emotional mess.

Edited by spiderowl
  • Like 1
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beentheredonethat77 Established Member

beentheredonethat77

Posted
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Preraph and SpiderOwl... Both excellent points, thank you.

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