Paranoid he's seeing other people

[lovesfool]

Sorry, but yes he has.

He's told you that "he has a high sex drive" which is man-speak for "I want to rut like a wild pig."

And he's told you that you seem "closed off", which is him trying to complain without seeming like a complete pig.

 

Isn't that making a big jump to a conclusion? In his defence, I was the one who brought up sex drive and I admitted it wasn't high on my list. Also, he's not the first guy to say I'm closed off. All guys I've dated have said I'm difficult to read and never know if I'm interested.

 

"Adventurous" = wants to have sex with lost of people, preferably at the same time.

 

"Lax with rules" = thinks its ok to screw around behind your back.

 

What are you basing this on? I labelled him that, he didn't label himself. I must tell all my friends who are dating laid back adventurous types that they're all going to cheat on them.

 

You need to work on your insecurities. Being this insecure and interrogating your date so early on without even being exclusive doesn't bode well for future relationships. Don't judge him for being on on Tinder when you still are too. It's likely seen you on there and thinking the same things about you. You make assumptions about to kind of person he is but you barely know each other.

 

This is true. I am insecure when it comes to dating. I can't seem to get out of my head, trying to figure what every thing a guy does means.

 

When a man is really into you, you'll absolutely know it. Don't get caught up in that silly game where he strings you along until someone he's really into shows up and you get ghosted.

 

That's the problem with me though. I am very closed off with my emotions. If someone was to date me with the attitude you suggest I should have, I'd be a lost cause! He definitely doesn't know that I'm into him, and I know I'm not giving off those vibes.

 

He has seemingly liked you enough to still be around 6 weeks later , however I do wonder from which date you “fooled around” in bed. That may have been a signal to him that sex will be on the cards soon? But 10 dates later it isn’t?

 

Some good points here, so I'm going to answer them individually! We fooled around maybe on the 3rd date. He wanted to take it further, but I turned him down. He wasn't pushy and I understand why he thought it was going that way.

 

I’m gathering that you are more traditional than him and that’s ok. But you so far haven’t behaved traditionally or with your end goal in mind.

If you don’t want to waste your time dating and wondering about someone’s level of interest then you need to stay out of the bedroom until you dscuss exclusivity.

 

You say that for you sex is a big thing and that you don’t give it up freely .... but sex isn’t just about penetration? I’m wondering what exactly you mean about “fooling around” ? Are you saying that foreplay isn’t a big thing for you and that you are ok to give that freely??

 

The thing is that I do want to have sex, but I have a mental block about it. I've only had sex with two partners in my life and I guess I have this worry that I won't be good enough, or do something wrong. I don't really know where it comes from.

 

And why would you text him about where he thinks this is headed? Why are you not communicating in person?

 

He was sick so I couldn't meet to chat to him. I needed to get it off my chest or else I would have had all these thoughts in my head until I met him.

 

I'm sorry but he's gone for good. You've lost nothing because you never had him.

 

We're meeting to talk on Wednesday.

[kendahke]

We're meeting to talk on Wednesday.

 

 

doesn't mean he's going to say what you long to hear... he's already got you held at bay, not turning off the dating app.

[Big Aus]

Isn't that making a big jump to a conclusion? In his defence, I was the one who brought up sex drive and I admitted it wasn't high on my list. Also, he's not the first guy to say I'm closed off.

In your first post you said he told you that he had a high sex drive, and he said you were closed off about sex.

So my description of him still stands.

What are you basing this on? I labelled him that, he didn't label himself. I must tell all my friends who are dating laid back adventurous types that they're all going to cheat on them.

I'm confused. You're the one who brought it up, in a discussion about sex.

So what do you mean by adventuress and lax with rules? And why even mention it if you don't think its relevant.

We fooled around maybe on the 3rd date. He wanted to take it further, but I turned him down. He wasn't pushy and I understand why he thought it was going that way.

The thing is that I do want to have sex, but I have a mental block about it. I've only had sex with two partners in my life and I guess I have this worry that I won't be good enough, or do something wrong. I don't really know where it comes from.

???????

You don't think maybe you should have led with that???

 

Ok, so lets take this again from the top:

You're dating a guy who wants lots of sex.

You claim you want it too.

You almost did it on the 3rd date, but then you shut it down, and haven't gone there again.

You're worried he's looking for it somewhere else.

 

Without knowing the exact details, it's possible you led him on.

Doesn't really change the answer.

He wants sex, hes not getting it with you, so he's looking elsewhere.

You're worried that your reluctance with sex has turned him off, and that you will lose him. Yes you have.

 

The fundamental question here relates to your desire to have sex.

Do you really want to have sex with him?

If so why?

Do you enjoy sex? Are you sexually attracted to him? Do you want to take your relationship to that level? Do you feel free and unrestricted to engage in a sexual relaionship?

If your answers are all yes, then there must be something getting in the way.

That's what you need to figure out.

[Shining One]

He won't talk about exclusivity until after you have had sex & you won't have sex until you are committed & exclusive. Sorry but that doesn't work.

It works if both people are willing to compromise by having sex and exclusivity happen at the same time. I've done this with a couple of women over the years.

[Maddie82]

That's the problem with me though. I am very closed off with my emotions. If someone was to date me with the attitude you suggest I should have, I'd be a lost cause! He definitely doesn't know that I'm into him, and I know I'm not giving off those vibes.

 

If this is true then I strongly suggest you take a step back from dating for a while and seek therapy in order to try and understand yourself. You're not ready and everyone you have dated have said the same thing, that you are too closed off. Time for some self reflection.

[Maggiemay1]

 

 

We fooled around maybe on the 3rd date. He wanted to take it further, but I turned him down. He wasn't pushy and I understand why he thought it was going that way.

 

The thing is that I do want to have sex, but I have a mental block about it. I've only had sex with two partners in my life and I guess I have this worry that I won't be good enough, or do something wrong. I don't really know where it comes from.

 

He was sick so I couldn't meet to chat to him. I needed to get it off my chest or else I would have had all these thoughts in my head until I met him.

 

We're meeting to talk on Wednesday.

 

Fooling around in bed on the 3rd date does give an impression that sex would happen by the 10th date. In most cases.

 

You say you want to have sex but have a mental block about it and don’t know why. My opinion is that yes you do but only if a relationship is guaranteed. And you hold off on penetration until you are sure but what you should be holding off on is going to a guys house or him going to yours , instead of essentially teasing and leading him on to think sex is on the cards before he even gets the chance to decide if he likes you enough to pursue you in a more traditional manner.

 

I do think however he might be playing the game for sex and with each date he thinks tonight is the night. But gets turned away again. That’s based on him updating his profile pic.

 

When did you first have a discussion on sex? After or before the fooling around in the bedroom?

 

I wonder what your definition of sex drive is compared to his? And the same question re what closed off means?

A guy might consider himself to have a high sex drive because he thinks about it often and wants it often, but that doesn’t mean the sex would be any good! It could be full of kink or it could be a wham bam thank you mam.

 

It seems you have discussed sex too soon , which is a red flag. You shouldn’t be discussing sex drives etc before discussing exclusivity. If you are indeed looking for a relationship!?

 

If you want to have a fling and get past your “closed off” “mental block” thinking , then he is your man, to experiment with but not to pursue a relationship with.

 

What’s happening Wed? A date? As in dinner or a movie etc?

Or to meet to talk??

[MsJayne]

The big problem with OLD is that you're so disposable. I say if it gives you a bad gut feeling then just end it before you waste more precious time. And that paranoia is just your subconscious telling you to get rid of this guy.

[Maggiemay1]

The big problem with OLD is that you're so disposable. I say if it gives you a bad gut feeling then just end it before you waste more precious time. And that paranoia is just your subconscious telling you to get rid of this guy.

 

You seem to have missed the point and also misunderstanding online dating sites.

She has been on 10 dates over 6 weeks.

 

Online dating sites are an avenue to meet people you wouldn’t ordinarily meet.

The first meet is just that and not a date. The second meet is the first date and from there on it’s no longer online dating. It’s real life dating.

 

If she was never on a dating site and met him through a friend , work, social event , the scenario would be the exact same. She just would be unaware that he is on a dating site, right?

 

Her paranoia is not real and therefore shouldn’t be acted on as if it were.

She may be paranoid purely because she met him on a dating site and sees he is still active, however he would still be active on there even if she met him through a friend and unaware he was online.

 

Gut feelings shouldn’t be ignored but if gut feelings are influenced by someone being active on a dating site, are they really gut feelings or insecurity??

[Maddie82]

The big problem with OLD is that you're so disposable. I say if it gives you a bad gut feeling then just end it before you waste more precious time. And that paranoia is just your subconscious telling you to get rid of this guy.

 

No, this is not her subconscious. She has severe insecurities and every guy she has dated in the last 6 weeks have all commented that she is closed off and appears uninterested. She now has a guy she likes, who likes her but has made the same comment. She has created a persona of him in her head and wants to interrogate him when he hasn't really done anything to warrant that. They barely know each other but her head is messed up already.