Paranoid he's seeing other people

[lovesfool]

Firstly, I'll start off by saying I overthink everything. I tend to dwell on little things and try to figure out what it really means, or ask people (including these forums!) for advice.

 

Anyway, I've been dating this guy for maybe 6 weeks, we've been on about 10 dates, but have been messaging each other everyday. I think things are going well as this is as interested in someone I've felt in a long long time. He has said that he enjoys spending time with me and wants to see it go further, but I've some doubts that he might still be playing the field.

 

The biggest red flag for me was that I've seen him on Tinder updating his profile pictures, most recently just last week. In his defence, we're both still on Tinder, but I haven't been actively looking to date anyone, just browsing out of habit. When I saw that he updated his profile, it sent the signal to me that he's keeping his options open.

 

I asked him a few days ago as to where he thinks we are in dating terms (without specifically mentioning Tinder). He sent me a message saying "I'm not really talking to anyone else right now, or dating", which doesn't scream confidence for me seeing as he said "not really". But he did go on at length saying that he would like to keep seeing me, but did mention that he's not sure what I'm thinking most of the time (relationship wise), and that I'm a bit closed off when it comes to sex (which is true).

 

There is another dating app in my country which we were both on, but his profile seems to be inactive now. But I've gotten so paranoid that he's looking for hook-ups that any new faceless profile near where he lives (it has a location functionality), I am assuming that it's him (you don't have to put up a picture if you don't want to).

 

Another moment of paranoia was this weekend. Earlier in the week he said he wouldn't be able to go for dinner and drinks which we had booked because he has assignments for college the next day and wants to be fresh minded. But he did say he would meet for a coffee or a chat. When that day arrived I suggested meeting up that night, but he suddenly came down with a cold and couldn't meet. My mind went into overdrive and started thinking he arranged a date with someone else for that night. But he plans to meet me the following day (today).

 

Another reason for this paranoia is that he has a very casual approach to life and is much more adventurous than me. I think he has a bad boy streak in him, so the idea that he could be seeing someone on the side (despite him saying that he isn't), doesn't seem too far fetched. Plus, he admits that he has a high sex drive, and I don't, and I'm worried that I won't be able to meet his needs.

 

I could be way off on my thinking as there is no evidence that he is doing anything wrong per se, (you could say even if he was seeing someone else that it's not wrong as we never officially said we're exclusive) but how do I overcome this paranoia, or is it always going to be there until I can just develop trust? I just wish I could get out of my head.

[Flame Aura]

Ok well firstly if he is updating his Tinder profile then have no doubt about it - he most definitely is seeing other people, or at least trying to.

 

 

Is this wrong or right... well the main question here is after 6 weeks and 10 dates.... why are you not exclusive yet? What exactly are you both waiting for?

 

 

Until you are officially in a relationship then he is not doing anything 'wrong' by looking for other girls to sleep with (and he most definitely is). I mean why wouldn't he, as he is still single. Until we are committed to one person, us men will try to play the field as much as possible.

 

 

If you want to feel less paranoid then talk to him and tell him that you are looking for exclusivity and want to be official.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he likes you well enough, but is seeing some incompatibility between you two. Him mentioning you appear closed-off is your clue.

 

That doesn't mean either of you is wrong in your approach to dating and sex, but there are some differences here. He is keeping his options open, yes. He wouldn't be updating his Tinder profile if he weren't. Again, you're not exclusive so that's understandable.

 

Can you two make a go of it? Perhaps. But you need to communicate what you are looking for, and understand if he is the person for you.

[Big Aus]

I don't mean to be rude, but I'm a bit confused as to what's actually bothering you?

 

You've said you're not exclusive, and it wouldn't necessarily be wrong if he were dating?

 

So is it jealousy? Or is it that you would like to be exclusive, but fear he won't?

Or are you actually worried there's some fundamental incompatibility?

 

If I were to guess, I would say it's the sex thing.

 

Got to be honest, you've only been dating 6 weeks...

and he's already complaining that you don't meet his sexual "needs"?

 

I would guess that you're worried that he's more interested in sex than you, and that even if he agreed to be exclusive you worry he wouldn't remain faithful??

 

And TBH, without anything more to go on, I would say that you're right to be worried.

 

There's nothing wrong with a couple having a grown-up conversation about sex. But his telling you of his "high sex drive" is at best extremely honest, and at worst signalling he's a douche just looking for sex.

Then complaining that you are "closed off" in regards to sex??

 

I don't wish to pry, and if you prefer not to answer that's fine, but need to understand what the "closed off" comment means.

 

If he's saying that you've been dating 6 weeks, he's tried to st least have a conversation, and you shut it down. Well that's one thing.

On the other hand, if he's saying he expects sex 3 times a week, and so far its been less than that. Well that's something else entirely.

[Gaeta]

When we know we are a bit paranoid in relationships then we don't date men with a 'bad boy' streak with a laid back attitude. We date men that want girlfriends and enjoy dating 1 woman.

 

This man isn't for you, period. You're like someone allergic to peanut butter insisting of eating it for breakfast anyway then complaining of a rash.

 

Move on to a better suited man.

 

 

.

[d0nnivain]

Somebody has to be brave & start the conversation. I'd open with something along the lines of

 

We've been dating about 6 weeks & I'

m

really enjoying this. No pressure & I could be good where we are for a little while longer, but I'd be open to deactivating all my

OLD

accounts in favor of focusing on each other. How do you feel about that?

See what kind of reaction you get to that. If you don't get a positive one, just absorb the info. Give it a week or so. Check his account again then decide you've have enough of uncommitted playtime & walk.

[Ruby Slippers]

So you haven't had sex yet? I get the impression he's waiting to try you out in bed and then consider a relationship - which doesn't seem to suit you, and wisely so. I don't think it's a match.

[hippychick3]

If he’s updating his Tinder profile after 6 weeks, he’s not serious about you and is dating others. If you haven’t had sex yet, good for you. I would never have sex with a guy with an active dating profile. Sex happens AFTER profile is taken down and there is explicit exclusivity.

 

I would detach yourself from this guy and date others.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, is this the same occasional drug user you wrote about last month?

[Blanco]

Unless you've had a conversation to agree that you're exclusively seeing each other, then he's not necessarily in the wrong if he's talking to or seeing other people. That should be assumed until you have the exclusive talk.

 

Too many people want to sit back and "play it cool" with these things, afraid that bringing up reasonable topics (i.e. exclusivity after a decent amount of time dating) will somehow make them look needy and scare off the other person.

[smackie9]

I don't think you are over thinking anything. You are trying to avoid what your gut is telling you....this guy isn't what you are looking for...you just don't seem to have the strength to call it off.

[lovesfool]

I would guess that you're worried that he's more interested in sex than you, and that even if he agreed to be exclusive you worry he wouldn't remain faithful??

 

And TBH, without anything more to go on, I would say that you're right to be worried.

 

There's nothing wrong with a couple having a grown-up conversation about sex. But his telling you of his "high sex drive" is at best extremely honest, and at worst signalling he's a douche just looking for sex.

Then complaining that you are "closed off" in regards to sex??

 

I don't wish to pry, and if you prefer not to answer that's fine, but need to understand what the "closed off" comment means.

 

If he's saying that you've been dating 6 weeks, he's tried to st least have a conversation, and you shut it down. Well that's one thing.

On the other hand, if he's saying he expects sex 3 times a week, and so far its been less than that. Well that's something else entirely.

 

There are many comments that I wish to reply to, but I think I should address this one. He hasn't signalled any expectations, or that I'm not meeting his needs, or even complaining! You may have read into my post a bit too much, or I haven't explained myself very well.

 

He has since said to me that he doesn't think we're at that stage of our relationship yet where we're off dating apps. I think he's basing some of his decision on sexual chemistry. We haven't slept together, just fooled around in bed, but the topic of sex has come up.

 

To me, sex is a big thing. I don't give it up freely, and in some cases I've dated guys months before it happened. I may be old fashioned that way. He's not at all pressuring me to have sex, but I think that if that's one of his requirements to know if a relationship will work or not, I think it's understandable. Although it's not a dealbreaker for me right now.

 

I admit, I wish I was more adventurous in bed. I have only slept with two people in my life. I left it late in my life, and I keep putting it off because of nerves. I don't know why, maybe I feel vulnerable. I have struggled with it and maybe it has been holding me back in having a solid partner in my life.

 

I could have easily slept with many guys I dated, and have had offers, but I am just scared. I know I would enjoy it, as I did in the past two times, but there's a mental block there. I fear if I don't overcome it, it'll scare off everyone I date.

 

I expect some responses to say "don't give it up to him just because he wants sex", but I know it's an important part of any relationship and I need to get to grips with it to get ahead.

Edited September 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[hippychick3]

He has since said to me that he doesn't think we're at that stage of our relationship yet where we're off dating apps. I think he's basing some of his decision on sexual chemistry. We haven't slept together, just fooled around in bed, but the topic of sex has come up.

 

I have never had a guy who was really into me say something like this. By 6 weeks, this guy is essentially telling you that he doesn’t like you enough to stop looking around and to take you “off the market”. You don’t have to have full intercourse to have sexual chemistry. And not having intercourse yet is NOT a valid reason to not want to focus on just dating you. Being exclusive and hiding your dating app is not like getting engaged. OP, you really need to move on from this guy. I see heartbreak in your future if you continue with him.

Edited September 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Inspire]

If that's the case does he know how you feel about sex?

 

You two aren't "exclusive" so technically speaking, he doesn't owe you anything. Both of you are free to see and date other people until then. Sex may be a very big deal to you and for the most part, it sounds like he's been understanding of that. With that said, it may also be a big deal to him for different reasons. Sexual compatibility is important and some might be a little hesitant about moving forward and making an even bigger commitment until they see if that part of your relationship will also mesh, especially if he has a higher sex drive.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sex is a big thing to me, too. I love sex, have high drive, no hangups, but I don't want to do it with just anybody. It kind of amazes me that I can still easily get flings with the hottest young men out there, were I so inclined. But meh, doesn't do much for me.

 

Unless there's a strong emotional connection driving the action, I enjoy self-love more and then I don't have to worry about the very real STD risks.

 

Women are designed to be selective about partners.

 

I get the impression you're not going to be satisfied diving into sex before you're ready.

 

I think it's still possible to find men who are understanding about this. I hope the right man for you will appreciate that you've been choosy. Anyone I get serious with and have sex with seems to respect that I have high standards and when it does happen, it's special.

[lovesfool]

I think I've driven him away .

 

We are very different people, him being adventurous and lax with the rules, whereas I'm the complete opposite. He said he was willing to look beyond it, but feels that I'm getting hung up on these differences and calling him into question (I questioned his availability and his dating style). I can see how it looks bad. Who wants to be interrogated by someone they're dating?

 

I knew I ran the risk of losing him if I confronted him about it, but my brain was doing mental gymnastics and I wouldn't be able to rest peacefully until I knew where he was coming from. I guess I'm going to pay the price now.

 

He said he wants to think about everything that was said and will chat again later in the week. For all I know that could be tomorrow, next week, or never! My mind will be running wild again.

 

I feel I should have spoken to him face to face instead of over text, but I never had the chance.

[Big Aus]

There are many comments that I wish to reply to, but I think I should address this one. He hasn't signalled any expectations, or that I'm not meeting his needs, or even complaining!

Sorry, but yes he has.

He's told you that "he has a high sex drive" which is man-speak for "I want to rut like a wild pig."

And he's told you that you seem "closed off", which is him trying to complain without seeming like a complete pig.

 

Bottom like is that he wants frequent NSA sex, you're not ready for that yet, and rather than wait he's busy hooking-up elsewhere. What a catch.

 

Time to forget him and move on.

 

Please, please don't let creeps like this convince you that you have a problem with sex.

I'm a firm believer that sex without love and commitment is meaningless. Not everyone agrees with that, which is fine, each to their own.

But you have your views, and men need to respect that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why are you worried about "driving away" a guy who you're so clearly incompatible with?

 

Rather than trying to change your own values and who you are, learn to weed out the men who are not good matches for you. When you're doing this much fretting and self-critiquing for someone you really don't even know all the well, it's a sign you're trying to compromise too much rather than letting go of a person who isn't the right fit.

 

Don't force yourself to be someone you're not just to keep a guy.

[Big Aus]

We are very different people, him being adventurous and lax with the rules, whereas I'm the complete opposite.

Ok, that is simply NOT a thing when it comes to relationships.

 

"Adventurous" = wants to have sex with lost of people, preferably at the same time.

 

"Lax with rules" = thinks its ok to screw around behind your back.

 

And HE was "wiling to look beyond that"? What a prince.

 

Bottom like is that you clearly didn't trust this guy, and with good reason.

Trust your instincts, you were right on the money.

[Maddie82]

You need to work on your insecurities. Being this insecure and interrogating your date so early on without even being exclusive doesn't bode well for future relationships. Don't judge him for being on on Tinder when you still are too. It's likely seen you on there and thinking the same things about you. You make assumptions about to kind of person he is but you barely know each other.

Edited September 23, 2019 by Maddie82

[d0nnivain]

He won't talk about exclusivity until after you have had sex & you won't have sex until you are committed & exclusive. Sorry but that doesn't work.

 

I agree with ExPatInItaly. Why do you care that you may be ending a short relationship that hasn't been fulfilling for you?

[Allupinnit]

I used to also worry about "scaring men off" when speaking up for what I wanted.

 

But in all honesty feeling like I had to play some stupid game in order for him to choose me never did me any favors. It happened to maybe keep me in a rotation with other women - but eff all that noise.

 

When a man is really into you, you'll absolutely know it. Don't get caught up in that silly game where he strings you along until someone he's really into shows up and you get ghosted.

[Maggiemay1]

 

He has since said to me that he doesn't think we're at that stage of our relationship yet where we're off dating apps. I think he's basing some of his decision on sexual chemistry. We haven't slept together, just fooled around in bed, but the topic of sex has come up.

 

To me, sex is a big thing. I don't give it up freely ......

 

This right here is what I believe to be the reason you haven’t found a solid partner yet.

 

He has seemingly liked you enough to still be around 6 weeks later , however I do wonder from which date you “fooled around” in bed. That may have been a signal to him that sex will be on the cards soon? But 10 dates later it isn’t?

 

And It is very ok for you to not want sex until exclusively dating and it is ok for him to want to have sex while not exclusive yet.

 

I’m gathering that you are more traditional than him and that’s ok. But you so far haven’t behaved traditionally or with your end goal in mind.

If you don’t want to waste your time dating and wondering about someone’s level of interest then you need to stay out of the bedroom until you dscuss exclusivity.

Go on dates and go home but not with each other. And don’t go to each other’s homes until that exclusive chat! Not even for a cup of coffee!

 

You say that for you sex is a big thing and that you don’t give it up freely .... but sex isn’t just about penetration? I’m wondering what exactly you mean about “fooling around” ? Are you saying that foreplay isn’t a big thing for you and that you are ok to give that freely??

 

And why would you text him about where he thinks this is headed? Why are you not communicating in person?

[kendahke]

He has since said to me that he doesn't think we're at that stage of our relationship yet where we're off dating apps.

 

That's him telling you that he's still auditioning other women--he's not exclusive with you nor has given you any indication that he wants exclusivity with you. He's single and not attached, so he can do that, as can you.

[Gaeta]

He said he wants to think about everything that was said and will chat again later in the week.

I'm sorry but he's gone for good. You've lost nothing because you never had him.

 

 

 

If sex is something meaningful to you then stay out of men's bedroom till you're exclusive. You gave a taste to this guy and he thought he'd get his cake with a couple more dates and it didn't happen, he's gone now. After 6 weeks a man knows if he wants to date you exclusively or not. This guy was just out to play.