Cersei Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Hi. I have found myself in what seems to be headed towards a relationship. It's only been about 6 weeks but so far, so good. We are both in our high 40s and live an hour apart. I am living in a small city; he lives in a rural surrounding area. We have done some fun things together and want to keep it that way. ATVing, food festival, axe throwing, movies, ice cream (for me ice cream is fun, lol). He drives a big 4x4 and picks me up. Should I offer to drive some times too? I saw, or read, or heard it is highly unmasculan for the woman to drive. I have a small car. Opinions? Also so far we have been pretty much treating each other equally to whatever we do together. It's been very equal. One of my older friends seems to think that he should be 100 percent paying and I really don't know what I think. He drives all the way to see me more than I go there so I feel paying for half the stuff we do is the least I can do. What do you think? I really don't want to mess this up because I am having a great time.
5x5 Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Why don't you just talk to him about it? So you can find out How he feels, and work out between yourselves what you want to do. 1
FMW Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I wouldn't worry about "should", if how things are going is working for both of you then no need to change. Everyone has their own "rules" about paying, driving, etc. Again, all that matters is what works for the two of you. Bring it up to him and tell him you're happy to drive part of the time and see how he reacts. My guess is he's probably fine with driving, especially since he has the more comfortable vehicle. I'm older, 54, and my personal preference is monetarily to keep things equal. Many women posting here expect men to pay. Men have different attitudes about it as well. 1
preraph Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 You need to give back. It's time. First of all, offer to drive next time. It's true he might not be comfortable in your car or just prefer driving, but of course you should offer. It's only fair. Also, he might want to drink sometime and you could be his sober driver. Of course you should offer to buy sometimes. In addition, you should be cooking dinner for him and baking cookies. Do not skip this very important step. Men love women who feed them and if they're not the best cooks themselves are always grateful for a home-cooked meal. So say, How about I cook dinner for you Saturday? And give him a break from spending money. It will cost plenty to cook for him, so even if you do that regularly and he pays when you go out, it's enough. I think these days it actually costs more to cook at home unless you're only doing beans or eggs! And that's another thing -- never hurts to offer breakfast. Even the few remaining men who insist on paying for everything will NOT turn down a home-cooked meal and will be impressed by it. 3
Veronica73 Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 It doesn’t really matter what other people think. I don’t know why your friends are thinking he should be paying 100%. If it seems about equal and you are fine with it, then I’d stick with that. And yeah, offer to drive. But if he prefers to drive, great. To me it sounds like you are doing fine. 4
alphamale Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I really don't want to mess this up because I am having a great time. he should drive and you should split the bill 50/50 basically what you've already been doing... 2
Author Cersei Posted September 21, 2019 Author Posted September 21, 2019 Oh great advice guys! Thanks. Yes baking is a good idea. I made banana muffins and delivered them. They were very well received! I had better buy some more bananas to let get over ripe. I was planning to make pasta tonight or tomorrow so I will put out an invite. Yep, I will offer to drive next time and see what happens. He tends to box me in so I can't get my car out but I think it's just because the driveway is narrow. As far as paying, my friend can keep her opinion to herself. You guys rock! Thanks again. 3
Happy Lemming Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 In all of my years of dating (37 years to be exact), I've always drove and I've always paid. I guess I'm kind of "old school" (I'm 54). It never bothered me to drive or pay, dating was just part of my monthly budget. Here is a suggestion... next time you go to dinner ask if you can leave the tip?? See how he responds, gauge his reaction.
alphamale Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 You guys rock! yes, we know Cersei...Thanks 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I've never been in a relationship where the man paid 100% of the time. Once you get into a dating relationship it should be 50/50 unless one is really poor and one is really rich lol. As far as the driving, maybe just offer, but he probably will say no. Especially if he's tall! 2
Author Cersei Posted September 21, 2019 Author Posted September 21, 2019 He is tall yes. But I will for sure offer. 2
greymatter Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I can't believe that you never offer to drive especially since he is traveling a distance to see you. I don't see why gender matters here. Maybe he could use a break from driving and a partner who shows caring by offering. In my relationship, I drive when he comes to my house and city, and he drives in his city. We only live 20 minutes away from each other but I live in a big city and know my way around much better, even though he used to live here when in grad school. We do take his car when we are going hiking or kayaking, even if he is at my place, because he always offers and his car has the right racks for the kayak and the better car to leave at a trailhead. We take turns paying i.e. we treat each other to things. We both have high incomes. I would never, ever expect him to pay for me all of the time. That would make me uncomfortable. We don't look at the cost of things we do together. We just take turns and keep it simple. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 You're six weeks in ... I'm thinking about the women I've dated ... most started to offer (like seriously offer to pay) at 3 weeks maybe ... and pretty much insisted on it ... and from there on we were 50-50. This is on your mind. That's the important point ... Just bring this up and start to take some steps to balance things. Inviting him over for dinner is a fantastic idea ... assuming you are ready for him in that space. The big thing is you're aware of his paying. You're feeling like you want to say something. So you are not trying to use him ... you will find a way to even up things in the relationship. 2
alphamale Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 We both have high incomes. oh well, la-de-da 1
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 You are both in the relationship. You both drive. You both pay. From some of your responses you seem to be opening up to that idea. You two live too far away to expect him to always come pick you up. Given the size of his vehicle do you have any idea what it costs in gas for him to come get you all the time? How much of a ridiculous sexist jerk do you think he is that he would feel emasculated by the size of your car or you driving? He's 40, not 400. Woman have always been equal in his lifetime. Start behaving as an equal partner in the relationship sharing the load. If he has any sense whatsoever he will feel proud & fortunate that he found a good woman who is willing to share the burdens, financial & otherwise, of being in a relationship. If he really doesn't fit in your car, you can go to him & then you can take his car but it will still save him time, gas & effort.
Author Cersei Posted September 21, 2019 Author Posted September 21, 2019 Yeah I am very open to the idea of doing what it takes to make it work. So far it's been very fun. I am all ears and will try what has been suggested. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 Here's another point or question: What feels comfortable to you? Are you someone who wants a man to come all the time to pick her up--not for "using" purposes but because that's the way you see the male-female role division? Are you someone who wants a man to pay 100 percent for the first six months? Three months? Year? Forget about him for now. What do YOU want? I had a gf who insisted at the start that I pay 100 percent. But then she treated me like royalty whenever I stepped into her apartment. Could not go to her place for five minutes without her wanting to cook some great meal for me and treat me like a king. And if I admitted I was tight on money (I was not high income) she jumped in ... without a blink of hesitation. For some reason she needed me at the start to agree to pay 100 percent. But it was clear immediately that she was going to contribute equally and happily so ... and that she had my back in so many ways. So, asking the guy for 100 percent pay at the start was just something she had to do ... to psychologically relax, I think ... Do you have a thing like that? Literally no judgment either way. 1
greymatter Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 oh well, la-de-da I should explain, as I didn't mean to sound like I'm bragging. I didn't always have a good income BTW. I wrote that thinking it goes without saying here on LS that men think even women who are doing fine financially don't like to pay and expect the man to pay. I'm not one of those people. That's all I meant. I don't ever take my current job for granted because nothing is guaranteed. 2
Author Cersei Posted September 22, 2019 Author Posted September 22, 2019 Here's another point or question: What feels comfortable to you? Forget about him for now. What do YOU want? I guess what feels comfortable for me is taking turns paying for stuff equalling out in the end. I really don't want him to feel like I am using him. I am just so happy to find someone to do these things with. I do like to do small things for people/him. We had been talking about our favorite chocolate bars and he mentioned that apparently Cuban Lunches were back. I drove all over this city to find him one. That made me as happy as it made him. As far as driving I definitely will offer to drive and see how that goes. But I do kind of like being a passenger in this big truck. It feels bad ass. Lol But it makes sense to give him a break since he just drove 1 hour to get to my place. 1
Author Cersei Posted September 22, 2019 Author Posted September 22, 2019 I think a nice way for you to compromise would be for you to drive the hour to his place, and then let him drive from there. That way, you save him from that hour-long commute, you put in some effort, but he still gets to drive his truck that he probably loves. That does not logistically make sense because he drives from out of town to to my city to do stuff. My post likely was not clear about that. He lives in the boonies out in the country. The activities have been in the city. So me driving out there for him to drive us back to my city does not really make sense. But if we were to head out the other way somewhere else, oh yeah I would drive to his place. 2
Gretchen12 Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 So far he may be ok driving one hour to you and then drive more in your town and then back. But long term, it's gonna take a toll on him. I've dated at 1-hour distance. Unless you start sharing the driving, it's gonna get harder. Just imagine driving one hour each way for over a year? Or more? Maybe sometimes you feel like driving. It can be fun for both of you. Do it sometimes, to break the set pattern. He can drive to you, then you take over. As for paying, same thing. Change it up. Do you not sometimes just feel like treating him to a fancy dinner? Sometimes I do, and when treating I have to suggest to the guy items on the menu that are the most expensive so he feels comfortable to pick whatever he wants. Hope things continue to work out for you! 1
justwhoiam Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 I don't understand the equality concept. I think society led us to think that for things to be fair, men and women need to be interchangeable. But you know what? They are not! People should start thinking about the concept of complementarity. We're not interchangeable. There are things I can do that he can't do. And vice versa. That's the way it is. Because we are individuals with our own personalities, inclinations, dislikes and different backgrounds. Can people take turns doing something? Yes, they can, but hopefully not because it'd sound weird otherwise. That said... For the first few years, I was paying for my flights to see him, paying some checks for us both, paying for hotels... it was starting to weigh me down. Things changed over time. Now he usually pays for hotels & restaurants, cafés & diners. If I cook, he tries to buy the ingredients (I can bring some from home). We fit like puzzle pieces. That's how we work. Complementarity is key. 3
d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 He lives in the boonies out in the country. The activities have been in the city. So me driving out there for him to drive us back to my city does not really make sense. But if we were to head out the other way somewhere else, oh yeah I would drive to his place. As long as you are not expecting him to drive to you to take you back there its' not such an issue. As you get more comfortable with each other & don't need the external venues offered in your city, when you are spending the weekend in at his just drive there & arrive with stuff -- food, wine, beer, whatever -- you will be fine. But after he has driven to you, do offer to drive in town. It's probably easier to park your little car then his big truck. If he says he prefers to drive accept graciously & it's all good. If there ever comes a time when he pulls into a gas station with you in the car, offer to fill up his tank. 2
Author Cersei Posted September 22, 2019 Author Posted September 22, 2019 Great advice Donnovain. I have only been out his direction 2x and just took my car without thinking twice. There is less to do his way but come winter (if this is still a go) snowmobiling, which he has brought up, is all out there. I can have fun anywhere I go. Hell I went for a tractor ride and had a blast with him. Maybe we need to think outside the box a bit more. I never really planned to date someone from far(ish) away but a lot of our common interests are typically done in the country. (ATV, ice fishing, skeet shooting) So it was bound to happen. Yep, I am a tomboy redneck! 3
preraph Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 Sounds fun! Yes, eventually you'll end up spending a weekend just hanging at his place if things work out. But don't ever let go of getting out to a night in the city at least once a week or so. And don't do all these giving things at once. Start with the one where you're baking already and he'll love that. Then next time, offer to drive or pay for gas and see if he loves it or prefers to be in control of all that. You know, like Enigma said, there are people who just like to be the driver. I'm one. I tend to jump and get startled when other people drive, but it depends how good they are of course. And I can't get in and out of some people cars because I have long legs. So introduce these things gradually and gauge his reaction. It is true that some men (and sometimes women too) feel more secure if they are feeling needed. Some feel like it's kind of currency, that they get the best woman they possibly can by doing the most. Sometimes it's just how they were raised. So don't go overboard by any means. Like they say, If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Just enough to be reciprocal and let him know you like doing things for him and aren't taking advantage. 2
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