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Posted

The phrase, "I've been really busy," seems to be the new excuse/lie that is in vogue. I really don't get people.

 

Person #1. I call him Online Guy. Loved him to no end. We would chat everyday for nearly a year. Suddenly, he starts making himself scarce. Tells me that he's "been busy." I say that it's not a problem, that I understand. I keep writing to him. Over and over he tells me that he's sorry and that he's busy. FINALLY, I get the "hint." (My first moron episode.)

 

Person #2. I'll call her Confused. She was (I thought) a good friend. We would exchange a couple emails nearly everyday. She starts telling me that work is getting crazy. Once again, I say that anyone can understand that. Then she starts writing less and less. It takes me a while to get her "hint." (My second moron episode.)

 

Person #3. I'll call him Dr. Seuss. We exchanged emails a few times a week. I thought we were good buddies. We were always saying goofy things via email to make the other laugh. His emails became less and less frequent. Said a family member and work were giving him little time. Once again, I tried to be understanding. After a few applications of this, I was more accustomed to the idea that the excuse/lie was more for THEIR benefit than mine. (My third moron episode.)

 

The thing is, my definition of being friendly and courteous is obviously different than the examples above. I really don't see the point in continuously telling me, "Sorry, I've been busy," because since we are supposedly friends, I tend to believe that statement and I don't let it tarnish the relationship. So, I continue to make the attempt to keep in touch. The thing is, I end up looking like a fool.

 

Okay, so THEN if I've had this done to me a few times then when a good person DOES come along who really IS busy, I am less apt to believe them. I am apt to just drop the friendship right there. Then you know what will happen? That person will think I'M a flake.

 

So, when you think someone has flaked on you, you might want to consider how someone else has treated them previously.

Posted

I can relate. My thing that p*sses me off is there have been times when I run into someone that I haven't seen in awhile, and they say, "Oh hey how are you doing? I have been meaning to call you." Then six months passes by you run into them again and they say, "Oh hey how are you, I have been meaning to call you." Blah blah blah!! Stop the bullsh*t! :laugh:

 

When people I have known have done this, I would first think ok well they are busy or just haven't gotten around too it etc. But then when it happens over and over, I finally say, "this is stupid, I get it, they just don't want to talk/call or whatever, then I just move on. We ALL have busy lives but I think it doesn't take 2 minutes to pick up a phone or send an email etc. I look at it like this if you anit gonna call/email or don't want too, don't stand there and tell me that you meaning too when you know dayummmm well you anit, LOL! :p

 

 

 

Jade

Posted

I've asked another friend about this and she said that some people just run out of things to have in common and that I shouldn't "force myself" on them. Okaaaaay, well . . . I didn't know keeping in touch every couple days was "forcing myself." Further, I didn't think that having a conversation one day would suddenly slip into "having nothing in common." What's weird is that the relationships weren't strained or anything.

 

So, now when one of my friends doesn't respond to me for a few days, I let them hang simply because I don't know WHAT to do or what their non-response means. Then I look like I don't care. Go figure.

Posted

Isn't that sad? I know what you're saying........

Posted

Or maybe they're just terminal flakes. I don't plead guilty to that but I know for sure I have done it, fully intending to follow through - and then other priorites grabbed my attention and my good intentions were forgotten. All of a sudden, months have passed. Sometimes a year passes. Then you're kicking yourself for having dropped the ball so badly.

Posted

I understand what you are saying, Outcast. Goodness knows, I've forgotten things and I'm certainly not perfect.

 

I would think that people that know me, know that I'm not a hardass and that I'm not going to hold a grudge simply because life got hectic. In fact, a couple of times, these people have said, "I'm sorry. I haven't been a very good friend lately." I'd write back saying, "No harm, no foul. Blah, blah, blah." And then they do exactly the same thing again.

 

The thing these people have in common with each other? One has a troubled marriage and the other two can't/won't have a lasting relationship with people they date. *shrugging* Maybe how they respond to me is how they respond to others. (???)

Posted

Online friendships often wear off after everything has been said. New things need to happen all the time. At the beginning you're thrilled to talk to someone then it becomes a boring obligation.

 

When people meet in person they can just sit or walk or watch something. The inspiration for conversation comes spontaneously. On the net you need to artificially create it. I haven't kept but one pen pal that I exchange emails with about twice a week on average.

 

Many people I meet and talk to/exchange emails occasionally seem to understand this. However when you're friends with someone in person and they start avoiding you, it hurts. Sometimes people are really busy - in their minds they have other things going on.

 

Next time give them more space after a while and don't expect from them to talk to you every single day. When the IMs or emails start coming less frequently, accept the new pace. You insist on writing them and they feel obligated to respond while they don't feel like. So it's easier for them to cut you off completely than answer you every day. I hate to say this, but it's possible that they found you intrusive when you thought you were giving your best to retain the friendship.

 

I only talk to my BF every day online as we are in a long-distance relationship. I couldn't talk to friends every day for a year. Some people actually do have lives apart from their computers. Just as you want them to understand your need to talk to them regularly, you need to understand their needs to have more time for themselves and talk to you occasionally.

 

It's not too late for you to contact these three lost friends and let them know that you would like to exchange emails with them from time to time and hear about what's going on in their lives. :)

Posted

Well, I don't have the need to email this people everyday. If they emailed me, I would respond. It's a two-way street.

 

I just think it's rude to ignore someone who is supposedly a friend. I've been too busy to answer an email, but I've dropped a line telling the person that I have a lot going on and will get back with them later.

 

I understand that people have a life apart from the computer. So do I. :rolleyes: I am online at work only when I'm done with my work. I've been working full time and I just graduated from an accelerated program and I still had time to at least keep in touch. And no, it didn't have to be everyday.

 

I don't "insist" on writing to anyone. But I don't like being completely clueless. Like I said, I don't want to ignore a person that is truely busy and have them think that I don't care. And I'm not the type of person to "keep count". At the same time, I don't like writing to someone, when maybe they don't want to hear from me AT ALL and end up being a fool for doing it.

 

All I ask is for a little info. No wonder people can't stay in relationships. Sheesh.

 

Well, thanks everyone for the responses. I've come to the conclusion that these people are just . . . ah . . . "different." *shrugging*

Posted

Oh, I see. Well I don't know what the matter with them and why they didn't keep in touch. I just wanted to give you my perspective as if I am on the other side. I see that you haven't been intrusive. Sorry I didn't mean to say that you were rude or anything; obviously you cared about them and that's very sweet of you. :)

 

I wanted to offer my perspective because I have alos a lot of experience with pen pals and I am one of those who don't have the urge to talk to them every day.

 

In my experience real friendships (in person) always get cold after taking them to the close-friend-I-see-every-day level. I don't know why. :(

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