frus69 Posted September 20, 2019 Posted September 20, 2019 Bf (of 6 months) is coming home from his one month vacay. There's no sign that suggest he may have had any hookups or anything, he texts me everyday and updates me with what his doing and such. but then again there are lots of parties and drinks. So better safe than sorry? Should I ask if hes at risk of anything at all? Becsuse I'd be affected if he was. Or will It make me look ... untrusting and insecure? If you are a guy who is totally faithful and devoted to your girl however she asks you this, would you feel offended? Would you be pissed and think she doesn't trust you ? Or would you understand?
salparadise Posted September 20, 2019 Posted September 20, 2019 Yea, I'd be offended. You aren't merely asking a practical question... you're saying you don't trust him and questioning his character. Now, if you actually don't trust him... that's a different question. 1
basil67 Posted September 20, 2019 Posted September 20, 2019 I write the following with the assumption that the two of you have confirmed that you're exclusive: He's no more or less likely to cheat while on vacation than when he is going about his day to day business. Assuming you wouldn't be checking in with him randomly during the months you've been together, you wouldn't want to check after you've been apart.
LivingWaterPlease Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I would break up with someone who asked me that question, not because I was offended but because I'd know they didn't trust me. 1
crispytoast Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 If you ask him if he is clean, you are basically accusing him of cheating. I might not be personally offended, but if any girl assumed I cheated on her just because I took a trip, I might actually assume she is the real cheater. On the nose 1
kendahke Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I would break up with someone who asked me that question, not because I was offended but because I'd know they didn't trust me. ...and if you can't trust me, why are you with me? Pointless waste of time. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Absolutely not offended. If you any any suggestion of a hint of a possibility of doubt about his exclusivity, then you have the right and duty to ask this question. If he leaves over this, he ain't worth keeping. On the other hand, if you really don't trust this guy, not sure you should be dating him. The problem with your question is ... suppose he cops to having a fling? In the world of harm reduction strategizing, you'd praise the person for honesty and make them use a condom. In real-life, I assume you'd feel betrayed and wouldn't want to sleep with him. So asking this question in a way that will get an honest answer is tricky. I like the testing strategy that Alpha mentions. I've dated women who asked this question ... I think they SHOULD ask this question ... as should I!!!!!! If you feel uncertain and awkward... and don't feel comfortable bringing this up with this guy ... I might say he's not the guy for you ... or ... I'd say get over your uncertainty and discomfort and ask the question anyway.
Author frus69 Posted September 21, 2019 Author Posted September 21, 2019 Maybe I need to clarify we arent just dating. It's an exclusive and very serious relationship. I feel he can be upset that I would even think that's possible ( that he did something). Its not that I don't trust him but it's hard to explain... like I trust my birth control but there's still 0.01%... No one can ever say never about anything. And this is not something I can say " I'll still be fine even if the worst happens". Cuz...i may not be fine, literally. But yeah the chance is slim. Very slim. And I see most people will be offended..I suppose I should just stop being paranoid.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I understand your concern, but to answer your question, I don't think there is any way to ask this without him being offended.
OnlyHonesty Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Health is all we have, and nothing is more important! However, given that your bf has been on holiday and you feel the need to ask....the real question is the following... ''While you were away on holiday, did you cheat on me?'' Considering this, the question is why are you with him if you don't trust him....only you can know the answer to that one. 1
OnlyHonesty Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Maybe I need to clarify we arent just dating. It's an exclusive and very serious relationship. I feel he can be upset that I would even think that's possible ( that he did something). Its not that I don't trust him but it's hard to explain... like I trust my birth control but there's still 0.01%... No one can ever say never about anything. And this is not something I can say " I'll still be fine even if the worst happens". Cuz...i may not be fine, literally. But yeah the chance is slim. Very slim. And I see most people will be offended..I suppose I should just stop being paranoid. Before you proceed, you will want to be brutally honest with yourself. You are asking him whether he did anything while on holiday, and in the same sentence you mention 'exclusive and very serious'. This is about trust. Birth control....one can forget...or it could fail etc. That's not the same as asking the other question. Unless someone can accidentally fall into bed with another woman...
Lotsgoingon Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Well ... I don't think there is any healthy way to suppress your impulse to ask this ... without disempowering yourself and betraying yourself--and that never ends up well. The stuff we try to willfully ignore like this ... always comes out ... you'll be uncomfortable having sex with him ... You'll pretend you're comfortable ... you'll try to disguise your discomfort ... but this unasked question hang heavy in the air, in each breath you take. He'll ask you if everything is all right. You'll say in a fake unconvincing voice, "yes, everything is fine." Next thing you know, you are caught up in the people-pleasing absurdity of spending important energy acting as if you are comfortable and trying to hide and ignore your discomfort. Not piece of good comes from that. The thinking that "if I even bring up or say X I'll lose this guy" ... funny: I NEVER hear men saying this other than say married guys who might say "if I buy this car without consulting my wife, she'll hit the roof." My view is that if you are one question away from losing an intimate relationship, then that was an extremely weak and fragile relationship to begin with. .. A compromise might be to put it out there awkwardly ... noting your inner conflict and worry that he'll be mad ... might as well put the entire thing out there. The fact that you posted about this issue here, says it's weighing heavily on your mind. 2
lurker74 Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I think that's a bad idea and here's why: He's as likely to cheat on you and you are on him yet you did not say, "Would it be crazy for me to propose to my bf that we both go get tested since we've been apart this long?" Your presumption is that you are trustworthy and he is not. And that is what will be communicated if you ask HIM to get tested...that he is the weak one..and the only one that is weak. 2
Blanco Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 If you two are exclusive and serious then I think it's actually worse to ask him if he's clean than if you two were still in the early casual phase of dating. If it's understood you're exclusive, then no, there's no way to ask him that without conveying that you don't really trust that he can go on vacation and not sleep with someone else. edit: Looking at your last two threads, I think it's a bit disingenuous to say that you trust him. 2
Rocker71 Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Only 6 months? I would dump you quickly. Which is what he should do.
elaine567 Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 He is a young guy, he has gone away on a boys only trip abroad that involves drinking and partying, so how can anyone say, he won't have hooked up. We don't know him, he may seem like a nice loyal guy at home, but who really knows? How can we possibly judge the risks? Yes he no doubt will get very offended at the question but he may still do that if he has indeed spent 30 days chasing (and catching) every woman in sight... His "offence" over being asked if he is clean, may mean nothing. It certainly doesn't indicate "innocence". STIS are no fun, especially for women. They can put future fertility at risk and are often asymptomatic. So the OP needs to be careful. Blind trust and putting her head in the sand so as not to upset him, may put her own health on the line... 1
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Bf (of 6 months) is coming home from his one month vacay. It's highly offensive as you have been told. If you have so little trust, don't ask the Q. Just break up. If I remember correctly you posted about this as he was leaving & admitted that all of your paranoia comes from your fears & things you read on loveshack, hear about etc which has made you believe -- regardless of the true facts -- that all men cheat. You were told that the issue was yours & that is was your sole obligation to get a handle on this before you ruined this & every other relationship you ever tried to have. You cannot allow your fears to push you into asking such an insulting Q. That said, there is 1 scenario where this might be possible. If upon getting together you both got tested for STDs & shared those test results with each other, you are supposed to get re-tested at the 6 month mark so you could remind him that you are both due. This is only an option if you got tested wen you initially got together. Instead of blowing up your relationship, get to the bottom of why you have such screwy thinking. 1
schlumpy Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 If it will make you feel better make sure he understands that if he cheats you won't be understanding about it. A little deterrence can help an SO stay on the right side of the line.
preraph Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 Why? Just use a condom. You should always use a condom rather than trust anyone like that. He's been gone. No condom is reserved for husbands, and only the ones who leave you no reason for suspicion at that. 1
Blanco Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 He is a young guy, he has gone away on a boys only trip abroad that involves drinking and partying, so how can anyone say, he won't have hooked up. We don't know him, he may seem like a nice loyal guy at home, but who really knows? How can we possibly judge the risks? Yes he no doubt will get very offended at the question but he may still do that if he has indeed spent 30 days chasing (and catching) every woman in sight... His "offence" over being asked if he is clean, may mean nothing. It certainly doesn't indicate "innocence". STIS are no fun, especially for women. They can put future fertility at risk and are often asymptomatic. So the OP needs to be careful. Blind trust and putting her head in the sand so as not to upset him, may put her own health on the line... I agree about the health implications, though I think you head down a problematic path when you assume guilt just because the guy has gone traveling. If a guy came on here saying he was concerned about his girlfriend being unfaithful just because she was on vacation, people would rightfully be critical of him for lacking in trust. Kind of a double standard. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 OP, he's going to know what you're really asking here. He's going to know that this is a thinly-veiled inquiry as to whether he cheated on you while he was gone. Assuming he's a smart guy, it's not going to go over his head. And it's not going to go down well, either.
elaine567 Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 If a guy came on here saying he was concerned about his girlfriend being unfaithful just because she was on vacation, people would rightfully be critical of him for lacking in trust. Kind of a double standard. Its not really about gender it is the type of vacation he has gone on. Any woman who went on a month long partying/drinking vacation would be seen as posing the same risk surely? 2
crispytoast Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 No I would not assume that my SO cheated because she went on a month long vacation. This is incredibly offensive to frus's BF and if I were in his shoes and she asked me this, I would be taking a permanent vacation from the relationship. 3
basil67 Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 Its not really about gender it is the type of vacation he has gone on. Any woman who went on a month long partying/drinking vacation would be seen as posing the same risk surely? Only if a) the boyfriend had trust issues or b) she had prior form as a cheater
Blanco Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 Right. I'm not saying I would maybe think about the possibility of it, but like others have pointed out, someone who is willing to cheat doesn't need to leave the country to do so. By the OP's account, the boyfriend has been loyal and done nothing to give her good reason to worry that he cannot be trusted while vacationing away from her. I submit again that based on the OP's other threads, this concern stems more from her own anxieties rather than anything the boyfriend has done wrong. 2
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