hkdfls Posted September 20, 2019 Posted September 20, 2019 Hi everyone, apologies for the long winded post & that it may seem to jump around all over the place, I'm just after some advice on how I should proceed. The background to my problem is as follows; I've been really good friends with a female co-worker for a couple of years now. When we first started together I was in an unhappy marriage and she had been in a relationship for 10yrs which also had many problems. I broke things off with my wife a year ago and we became very close after that. There had been quite a lot of flirting / tension / chemistry building up and in the last couple of months she has finally broken up with her boyfriend. While she was still with him, she used to say things like I know her too well and I just "get her" in comparison to him. She also has some anxiety issues and has told me on numerous occasions that when she is with me, I make her feel calm & relaxed. I'm 99% certain that she knows how I feel about her as I made a comment to her after our work xmas show about us and she said that it would be wierd as we work together and didn't mention anything about the fact she was still with her bf. At the end of the night as I was saying good night to her she kept asking me if I was ok to get back to my hotel room. I was too drunk / stupid at the time to realise but I'm fairly certain she was hinting she wanted to walk me back there. She always talks to me outside of work via snapchat ( i can only assume because the convo isn't saved, not that the convo is anything secretive) and we are besties on there. This may also be because one particular time I texted her (to remind her we were starting early the next day) her & the bf just happened to be in an argument at the time and when he heard her phone go off he commented that it was probably from her other boyfriend (meaning me) and she replied that she hoped it was (obviously in the heat of an argument). She constantly sends me funny videos on facebook and pretty much likes & shares everything I put up. She always tells me lots of stuff about her family & childhood experiences which I don't beleive she does with anyone else at work. There was another work function recently for a retirement of a guy who I didn't know at all but she had worked with. I wanted to go to that so I could spend some time with her (since she had broken up with her bf). I asked her if she thought it would be wierd for me to go seeing as I didn't know him and she told me I should go, so I did. That night, I had another female co-worker who I'm friends with and is pretty good friends her do some snooping for me as she had been acting a bit wierd towards me for the previous week. She told me that she had gone a bit cold on me because she had gotten the impression I wasn't interested in having children. When I first separated from my wife and was giving the online dating / tinder thing a go, she would get a bit funny about me seeing people and was very interested to see the types of people I was talking to. One girl in particular that I matched with happened to be a best friend of the mutal friend co-worker and she told me that when that subject got brought up she got very funny about it again. About a week after this, I finally bit the bullet and asked her if she wanted to go to the local show / fair with me. She said she was planning to go with her younger sister early in the week but would go with me at the end of the week instead. She still brought her sister along but we still had a really good time together. Now I've been trying to work on repairing the not wanting kid damage without trying to make it seem like I know that's why she went cold and I'm just saying anything to get her back onside. ( and no, i'm not just saying it to win her over either). Now with all that in mind, we are going away for work together again next week and I am in 2 minds with how to proceed. Firstly, I just really want to talk to her about "us" and lay all the cards out on the table because I beleieve that our friendship is strong enough to handle the honesty and if the feelings arent mutual the so be it, it will be my issue to deal with & get my feelings for her under control. However, if she does say she has feeling but is still wierded out by working together, then I'll be keen to take a slow & steady approach, not tell anyone at work, just go out on dates, not get too physical early on etc. The second option is that I don't tell her how I feel or ask her about any feelings she may have and ask her out a couple more times to do more flirting and hopefully something sparks from there. Now I'm the first to admit my skills with women are terrible and even though talking to women scares me I think option 1 seems like the more sensible approach as we are both adults and value our working relationship enough to clear this up. Apologies for the long post, I would greatly appreciate other peoples opinions / point of view on this situation as I'd love to either progress our relationship or put the thought behind me and get back to just working together so i can focus on other things in life.
preraph Posted September 20, 2019 Posted September 20, 2019 I think you should ask her out again and use the word "date" because otherwise she has no way of knowing if it's just another way you two are friends. If she again says it would be weird working together, that is a No. And you should stop trying. She has basically told you no once before and is being just friends with you. She's also brought a chaperone to the only date you've asked her on. That's not a good sign either. Only way to find out if she's open to dating, which implies romance, is to ask her on a real date and use the word "date." Say, "I want to take you on a dinner date next Saturday. Are you up for it?" She may follow with something like, You mean a date? And don't waffle if she asks clarification. Be honest. Say, Yes, I mean a real date. We're both single now, so.... Do NOT ask her how she feels. That can just be so cringy. It's best reserved for when you are already in a relationship. 1
Big Aus Posted September 23, 2019 Posted September 23, 2019 Ok, so you've mentioned the most important issue, but then ignored it??? You didn't say how old you are (which usually helps) but if she was in a relationship for 10 years and is thinking about kids, then we can guess... How & why did you give her the impression you don't like kids?? If she is hoping to start a family, then that's pretty much a deal-breaker right there. In which case you need to stop being selfish and just leave her alone.
schlumpy Posted September 23, 2019 Posted September 23, 2019 I would consider whether she used you as an exit affair from her relationship. If she did, then it doesn't surprise that she is now finding a way to push you away.
spiderowl Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 I agree you need to be clear about asking her on a date. I would not assume what her friend said is true or the only reason why she has cooled off. It could be a reason - in which case you need to think about whether you do want children or not before pursuing her. It sounds to me like you and she were supporting each other through difficult times but that there is something that has meant you have not got together. Her asking you if you are ok to get home on your own does not necessarily mean she wanted to go home with you. She could have genuinely been worried you were too drunk to get yourself home safely. I'm getting the feeling you have both considered the idea of a relationship and you wish to pursue it but she is uncertain or thinks it won't work. Are you both around the same age? If not, that could be one reason she has cooled off. With a friendship, age, etc. does not matter until both are free and then all of a sudden each person has to consider whether to allow the friendship to develop into more. It seems she is less enthusiastic than you. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 7, 2019 Posted October 7, 2019 I agree you need to be clear about asking her on a date. Amen. Only two choices here. As spiderowl says, ask her out. Be clear that it’s a date and that you’re looking forward to her company. Or... Dial way back on the friendship. It’s torture being an orbiter when you have feelings and takes away the energy you’d need to engage with someone else. The status quo is unsustainable. Time to man up and push this in one direction or the other... Mr. Lucky
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