Wants to date but nothing serious

[kendahke]

Probably beating a dead horse, but does anyone want something serious right out of the gate?

 

 

Not with just any guy who answers a profile. I don't expect nor do I give devotion from the first communique. Determining if I want to proceed to something serious with a guy takes a few weeks.

[newyorker11356]

It's ultimately a risk. Someone can they say they're looking for something serious/a marriage, but they may just be saying that because they think that's what women want to hear.

 

Look at their actions, not words.

[Pepsi38]

Thanks all. I've decided not to pursue this one any further or go on a date - I understand you have to take some risks in online dating, but some men lie about wanting a relationship in order to get sex, so if one says they don't want anything serious then I guess you should take it as a certainty.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe I see it differently because I never dated looking for a relationship. I guess I checked that box when I did OLD because I didn't want strangers on the internet thinking I only wanted a ONS.

 

But when I 1st laid eyes on my husband I was out to have a good time. I was looking for a Player who gave good date who wouldn't burden me with feelings or commitment. DH ked like he fit the bill -- ridiculously movie star handsome, well dressed etc. Pfffsh . . .he's the opposite of a player. W obviously ended up getting married.

 

I think the labels -- especially before you have even met in person -- put too much pressure & make everybody crazy. I see the same thing with teenagers; if they haven't mapped out a career path by the time they are in college people around them, parents, teachers. counselors etc., freak out that they are behind. There is something to be said with going with the flow.

 

Were talking about a 1st date here: a couple of hours at most. If you meet & somebody is just pushing for sex but that is not what you want, then you stop wasting your time but I will almost always advocate a meet. One caveat here: I am only pushing meeting because in the response message the guy backed away from the causal only. If he stood firm on that I'd have no problem with her equally firm no thank you

[elaine567]

@d0nnivain.

You took a chance on a guy who was NOT a player, he was also not proclaiming he was "not looking for anything serious" which is not the same thing at all.

You had control of the situation, it was up to you whether you wanted to get serious or not. Your husband was the real deal, you saw that and grabbed it

 

The OP does not have that control.

This guy is just out of a relationship and has put it in writing that he is not looking for anything serious and has since somewhat changed his tune in order to date the OP. Red flag??

 

Big risk, especially she has a history of dealing with a guy who proved after 6 months to be "not serious" so why bother?

Why put herself through all that again?

She needs a guy like your husband, a guy who is the real deal. She doesn't want to get involved with some guy probably not over his ex, who is looking for "not serious"...

[d0nnivain]

Elaine567,

 

I didn't know DH was the real deal. I thought he was a player & I wanted him to be. In fact I was about ready to dump him for moving too slowly.

 

I agree that the OP has control. I just don't think she's exercising her options wisely. She's pre-judging situations as are many people here. You can't know anything from a profile.

 

She's already said she's not going to pursue this & that is her choice.

[smackie9]

IMO you don't know until you go and see for yourself.

[Gaeta]

Well, I dated with my profile set to 'looking for serious relationship' and I never expected to get a serious relationship 'off the bat', no one does. It was just stating what was my goal. When I started dating bf I expected it to be done in a normal pace, we took our time to date, it took 4 months to introduce my family, took 5-6 months for the ILY, and we don't officially live together after 4 years so nothing came off the bat.

 

 

 

With my profile set 'serious relationship' I still had to deal with players, liars, married men, so imagine the amount of crap I would have had to deal with if I had gone fishing in the 'no serious relationship' section.

[d0nnivain]

With my profile set 'serious relationship' I still had to deal with players, liars, married men, so imagine the amount of crap I would have had to deal with if I had gone fishing in the 'no serious relationship' section.

 

I get it.

 

There has to be a balance between the proper amount of caution & a little faith / being willing to give somebody a try.

 

As I have said repeatedly the only reason I am saying for the OP to try is because the guy said to her that he might be open to a relationship. Sure, he could be lying, saying whatever he things she wants to hear to get her into bed. But language is a fluid thing. People are imprecise. Is an hour really so bad? It seems better then sitting home bored.

[Gaeta]

I get it.

There has to be a balance between the proper amount of caution & a little faith / being willing to give somebody a try.

I stand strong on this one because one time I met this man from online and he was in the 'casual dating, nothing serious'. We dated a bit and he was such a gentleman! He did everything right! it was a beautiful summer, he took me out to places, made me feel pretty and important and I felt omg I can see myself with this man. One day, after a date, he took me aside and said: Gaeta, I want to be totally transparent with you - this is just casual right?. I faked my best smile, went home and cried all night. I never fished in the 'casual section' after that.

[d0nnivain]

Understood.

[preraph]

I was never afraid of players in my real-life dating. Early days, I was pretty much a player myself! I liked some of the showier ones. But I'd hate to have to deal with them on OLD.