Pepsi38 Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 I've recently started online dating again after having been burned in a 6 month 'relationship' with someone who turned out to have commitment issues. I'm trying to be more savvy and better at spotting red flags. I've been talking to someone for a few days (he initiated the contact) and we're connecting well and it's looking like a date might be on the cards. His profile says 'wants to date but nothing serious' whereas mine says 'wants a relationship'. In my reply to his first message I told him that I don't think we're looking for the same thing - he then explained he is looking to date and see where it leads but a relationship is the ideal outcome for him too, so we carried on talking. So, is this just someone else looking for a fling do you think? It takes a lot of effort for me to go on a first date and I'm reluctant to waste time on someone who is going to end up screwing me over like the last guy. Or am I reading too much into it?
Gaeta Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 I would not pursue with him. I heard that 10s of time that they don't want anything serious but if they meet the right one..blahblahblah, it never lead to anything. There are plenty of men online with a status of 'seriously looking', you don't need to waste your time with the 'not sure but maybe'. 2
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 (edited) I'm sure after a date you will figure out his intentions or lack there of. You listen and observe and get a free dinner out of it. I used to do this, and I looked at it as a night out/get out of the house. Edited September 19, 2019 by smackie9 1
Author Pepsi38 Posted September 19, 2019 Author Posted September 19, 2019 Yeah, I think a first date might be worth a try - just for some new company if anything. I also need to work on my other issue of getting too invested too quickly so this might be a good test! 1
Gaeta Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 When I was online dating, I really enjoyed being taken out by men that just wanted to test their personal limits or just get a meal............................'sarcasm'. 1
stillafool Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Just don't get hung up on this guy or end up having sex with him unless you can handle it with no commitment. He's already said in his profile "wants to date but nothing serious" and that is what you should believe. It wouldn't be anyone's fault but yours if you get hurt. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Go on the date. For the right person I'm sure the guy would be open to a relationship. However, he realizes it's OLD & there are a lot of flakes so he has low expectations about people he meets. You need to adopt a similar attitude. Stop getting attached. . . that comes months later, not before a 1st meet or even during the 1st few dates. Yes, a relationship is the ideal but you can't figure out if you want a relationship with someone off a profile. You can only weed people out. You can't & shouldn't decide somebody is "the one" before you even meet them. Whatever issue you have that it "takes a lot of effort for me to go on a first date" get over it. Dial back your expectations. This 1st meet is just about eyeballing the other person, It should be short, cheap & safe. From that meeting then you decide if you want to invest in a longer date. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 I wouldn't bother with these guys. Lowering your standards will get you lower-quality company for a while - then you're right back where you started. They're telling you from the get-go they don't want anything serious, so for me there's never been any point. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 I wouldn't bother with these guys. Lowering your standards will get you lower-quality company for a while - then you're right back where you started. They're telling you from the get-go they don't want anything serious, so for me there's never been any point. It's not about lowering her standards. His profile said he wanted casual but in the message he said he eventually might want a relationship. I don't see where her giving him an hour of her time for 1 drink compromises her. She might me somebody else on the way there or home. He could be a good guy. One meet is not a terrible sacrifice or a waste of time. It's giving somebody a chance. Yes, it's more probable then not that he's only saying what he thinks she wants to hear but that is not an absolute certainty. In searching for a good relationship there is a certain amount of faith required. When you demand perfection -- somebody who checks every box form the outset -- you will end up alone. It's her life, her time & her choice. But from other things she said, I think she could use the practice remaining emotionally detached in the beginning. 2
justicegrl Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Agree with d0nnivain, no one knows what they want with a particular person until they've been out a few times, dating a few weeks or even months sometimes, it takes time, spending time together, getting to know each other. Even the guy (or girl) who starts off with "I'm looking for a relationship" doesn't know, with "that" person, the person they are currently dating. JMO but the reason his profile states "nothing serious" is because so many women are in such big rush for a relationship, they push for it, and he would prefer things develop gradually, naturally and organically. But he did clarify for you, that he'd like to date and see where things lead, and if all clicks, the ideal outcome is a relationship. Gradually and naturally. This is how I date and I'm a woman! Remember there is always a risk, whether they tell you up front they are looking for a relationship, or not. Gotta play it out! 3
Ruby Slippers Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 It's far from expecting perfection to only date men who want to be in relationships. This is absolutely basic. Men wouldn't even state on their profile they want "nothing serious" unless there were way too many women out there desperate/lonely/unwise enough to waste their time on these time-wasters. 3
Gaeta Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 I feel this is not where she should put her faith D0nnivain. When a man creates his profiles and he puts casual and nothing serious it should be taken seriously by the ladies. As we say when a man tells you who he is, believe him. There is a reason he put this status, most likely because he's freshly out of a relationship. Trust he knows best what he needs, and he needs nothing serious. OP has better chances meeting a new man at the grocery story than while heading to a coffee with him. Online half the men using 'serious relationship' aren't serious so imagine how many will waste your time in 'casual, nothing serious'. In my experience they want sex with no strings attached. 3
justicegrl Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 In case anyone is interested, when I met one of my ex's (we broke up three years ago but were in a relationship for many years) he was not looking for a relationship, he had just gotten out of one! But the chemistry was so strong, our connection so intense, he declared to me he wanted us to be exclusive on our second date. We dated for many many years after that. 1
stillafool Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 But why not wait for what you are actually looking for? A man who is interested in a relationship so you both are on the same page from the beginning. This is the problem I see for a lot of women on here they go after men who do not have the same mindset and then end up hurt and bitter. Then of course it's the man's fault for taking up months of their time and then move on to the next woman. 2
Author Pepsi38 Posted September 19, 2019 Author Posted September 19, 2019 Well he says he’s been single for 3 months, after a 1 year relationship. Maybe it’s too soon then. Another red flag I guess. I might still go on a date if he asks as I don’t feel invested like I normally do (yes, even at this stage ). Donnovain, I think you’re right in that it would be good practice if anything, even if it sets me off on a multi-dating spree which I’ve never been able to do really. I’ll report back! Also - doubt it makes any difference but there is another option for intention which is ‘not looking for commitment’ so basically ‘just want to screw around’ - but, I can see how someone would be reluctant to say that even if it is their intention, as they’d know it would vastly reduce their matches.
kendahke Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 If he's saying in his profile that he's just looking to date around, take him at his word and don't turn him into a renovation project. If that choice doesn't come from him of his own volition, while he'll play along til he gets bored, he's going to reach back for that caveat he put in his profile to create distance between you two, so be prepared for that if you choose to go forward with him. 3
elaine567 Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 You just got out of a "relationship" with a wishy washy, lukewarm, untrustworthy guy and you apparently are going to dive straight into a guy who only wants "nothing serious"... What did you learn? Guys like this want "relationship" women, they want her to be monogamous and not sleeping around, whilst he still plays the field. Be careful. He told you who he was, do not make up excuses for him or write romantic stories in your head... 2
Gretchen12 Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 When he sat down to write his profile, he made a point of stating "nothing serious". Now what was he thinking? Well obviously he wants nothing serious and he wanted women reading his profile to know that. 2
Sunlight72 Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Men wouldn't even state on their profile they want "nothing serious" unless there were way too many women out there desperate/lonely/unwise enough to waste their time on these time-wasters.That's not accurate. I would marry the right woman, but I'm picky. If my profile says I am looking for marriage, I'll need to break it off with 14 of 15 women I date from there, or more likely all 15 because I'll end up meeting her when I stop to help her change a flat tire or something... and I don't want to set myself up for needing to break up with 15 women who are thinking I might marry them. Not to mention, I can hardly imagine how un-fun it would be to go on first dates only with women who want marriage and are husband hunting. Just my feeling, but for reference, I am a guy doing online dating who is open to go as far as marriage and who also is quite uncomfortable dating a woman who is looking with a flashlight in the daytime for her husband. 1
justicegrl Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 (edited) Probably beating a dead horse, but does anyone want something serious right out of the gate? I sure don't and say so. Becoming serious takes time for goodness sake, and frankly I'd be running for the hills if some guy upon responding to my profile stated hes looking for "something serious." Down the road, if we're clicking and feelings develop, sure of course. But not right outta the gate, slow down! Plus I don't even believe it when guys have it on their profile. Why? Because he simply doesn't know and how could he? We have never even met! And having that on their profile can be misleading to some women, because many women interpret that to mean a relationship with them. Then if and when he realizes said woman isn't the right fit, she feels misled because, hey he told me he wanted a relationship! This happens, a lot! He did clarify he ultimately wants a relationship with the right person. Which is honest. Edited September 19, 2019 by justicegrl 2
preraph Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 (edited) To me, "nothing serious" means they mostly are looking for sex but if they just happen to meet the right one, then maybe. I certainly agree that you wouldn't want to put "looking for marriage" on a profile because it makes you sound like you have no discrimination and qualifications and are ready to go with just anyone. But that said, you are on a dating website, and you don't have to put anything like that. You can put something like "Hoping to meet the right person. Not interested in just hooking up." Edited September 19, 2019 by preraph 3
justicegrl Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 (edited) To me, "nothing serious" means they mostly are looking for sex but if they just happen to meet the right one, then maybe. I certainly agree that you wouldn't want to put "looking for marriage" on a profile because it makes you sound like you have no discrimination and qualifications and are ready to go with just anyone. But that said, you are on a dating website, and you don't have to put anything like that. You can put something like "Hoping to meet the right person. Not interested in just hooking up." Agree even with first paragraph. And I actually see nothing wrong with this mindset. When a man is attracted to a women, yeah he wants sex that's nothing new. And many women don't like to hear this, but in a man's mind (not all obviously) it's sex first (to check attraction and compatibility), relationship second. Whereas with women it's the opposite- relationship first, sex second. I've heard and read this from many guys in real life and on various forums. I like how you phrased what your seeking preraph, "hoping to meet the right person, no hook ups." Its perfect! And if I'm ever on line dating again, gonna use it! Edited September 19, 2019 by justicegrl 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 There's a whole lot of room between "nothing serious" and "marriage". If a guy states out of the gate that his intention is "nothing serious," I'm gonna take him at his word and steer far clear of him. If other women want to invest their energy into "nothing serious," go for it. My instincts tell me it's a foolish use of time. 2
preraph Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Of course, the real cads will still contact the women that specifically said "no hookups" and the worst of them will just try to fool her into thinking they're interested in more so they can get laid. There's no perfect formula. 1
justicegrl Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 (edited) I think it's all a risk, no matter what someone tells you upon meeting. On line and in real life. If there is a mutual attraction, and we start to date, I choose to simply observe actions, I'm not big on "words" never have been. Observing actions will tell me all I need to know and fairly quickly too. Works out better for me that way. Edited September 19, 2019 by justicegrl 3
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