emmab219 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 So I've been on a lot of first dates, but nothing has ever moved to a second date. Finally met somebody I saw potential with, and we both were on the same page about what we were looking for. I'm not a great texter, and prefer to just talk in person. Texting, for me, is a way to check in and make plans. Luckily, he was in total agreement. So we've been seeing each other about once or twice a week for maybe three or four weeks now. We'll talk usually every other day, or sometimes every third day. Whatever, no biggie. And yes, he is usually the one to initiate because I can't have my phone on me at work (and I go in super early) but there have been a couple of times where I've had the morning off and reached out first. I haven't seen him since last week. We texted maybe two or three more times. The last time we texted, I reached out to see what he was up to and he was busy but said to let him know when I was free. I left it with 'I'm swamped this weekend sadly but could be free in the afternoon on this day?". Never heard back. Again, not unusual for one of us to drop off mid-convo but whoever did the dropping off will usually reach out the next day. This time, nothing. It's been a couple of days now and I'm thinking I got ghosted. Or the fade out, whatever you want to call it. I'm just confused. And kind of disappointed. I think I made the mistake of being really excited about this one. All my other dates have been huge bummers. I liked him. I don't know what I'm asking for here, or if I'm just looking for camaraderie in that I'm not the only one who has had this happen. Just....damn it's not a great feeling. And what the hell, bro lol. Don't tell me you like me and make it seem like you want this to be something, make all sorts of potential future plans with me and then disappear. Makes me not even want to bother trying anymore because what's the point? I'm overthinking it all at this point. Was I not available enough for him? Or maybe I dropped the ball by not reaching out again and asking to see him or making more solid plans. Or maybe he decided there was someone else he liked more. I just figure at this point, if he wanted to see me he would've said something. So I literally have no clue what I did wrong because he seemed so genuinely interested and made it seem like this was going somewhere.
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 You've been seeing each other on a regular basis for some time now. There isn't anything wrong with you picking up the phone and asking about your suggested day. At this point, you should be past the let him chase you thing and do some initiating. He might be sitting there thinking you ghosted him. If he's dodgy or doesn't answer, let it be and move on. 1
TaintedLuv Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 (edited) I’m sorry this happened. (Check my latest thread- similar ish situation). At this point, just move on. Let him reach out and if he does, take it from there. If I’ve learned anything, it’s don’t overreact or show them any emotion. If he cares, he’ll reach out. In the meantime, just keep looking for next potential suitor. I think we tend to hold onto the ones we may have a connection with more than we should because there are so many duds and we want something to work out so badly. Edited September 18, 2019 by TaintedLuv 2
Author emmab219 Posted September 18, 2019 Author Posted September 18, 2019 I was never letting him try to chase me to begin with...I don't subscribe to that kind of mindset. Meaning I text back when I see the message, I reach out if it's been a day or two and haven't heard anything. But I get that this one might be on me. I probably should have just reached out, but figured he'd get back to me when he had the time. I dread being the double texter and know what it's like to have someone bombard you with messages. 1
Author emmab219 Posted September 18, 2019 Author Posted September 18, 2019 @TaintedLuv So sorry your going through something similar. Definitely isn't very fun.
Gaeta Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 So you text this guy you've been seeing for 3 weeks and if he doesn't reply you just dump him with no further check up? Did it cross your mind maybe something happened, or maybe he dropped his phone, or maybe he got an emergency....what keeps you from calling or texting again? 1
Author emmab219 Posted September 18, 2019 Author Posted September 18, 2019 You have a point. I suppose any one of those things could have happened. I don’t know, I think I’m just jaded. In this day and age, seems like people are ghosting left and right. Figured if I tried making plans and got no response, pretty clear cut what was going on. I have no idea what I’m doing out here, I’ve never progressed to the second date or beyond since I started dating again so pretty clueless.
Gaeta Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 You've never progressed to second date and this guy has been seeing you twice a week for 3 weeks, had been reliable, and you just drop it with no efforts. When I started dating my bf around 3-4 weeks he didn't reply to my text and didn't pick up for 4 days. I came on here in a panic, turns out his old phone died and being busy with work and stores closing at 5h It took him 4 days to get a new one. Him and I have been dating 4 years now.
Author emmab219 Posted September 18, 2019 Author Posted September 18, 2019 I definitely see where you’re coming from, and honestly was probably what I needed to hear. Although I don’t want to say I’ve put in no effort because I feel like up until now I’ve been very upfront about my intentions and making plans, etc. just off putting to put out a question and get no answer. But I’ll shoot him a text and make sure everything is good with him. No response again will be an answer either way. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 You have a point. I suppose any one of those things could have happened. I don’t know, I think I’m just jaded. In this day and age, seems like people are ghosting left and right. Figured if I tried making plans and got no response, pretty clear cut what was going on. I have no idea what I’m doing out here, I’ve never progressed to the second date or beyond since I started dating again so pretty clueless. Listen, like I said, you'd been seeing each other on a regular basis. There isn't anything wrong with picking up the telephone at this point. It's not like you'd only had a couple of dates. "Hey, are you up for Xday". What do you have to lose? You find out he's been super busy or his phone was dead, whatever or you find out he really is moving on. So be it.
Author emmab219 Posted September 18, 2019 Author Posted September 18, 2019 Definitely nothing to lose. Thank you all for pulling my head out of my ass. I think I let my anxiety get the best of me on this one.
Versacehottie Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Maybe "people" are jaded but why do you have to be one of those jaded people? That in itself will kill a lot of the chemistry potential with a person. I'm glad you picked up on the fact that a part of what's going on might be on you. I definitely got a jaded, unwilling to risk or almost a friend vibe from reading your posts on this thread--in fairness, it could have been the use of "bro" lol. But seriously, it was a bit more too in the way you were describing things. I think err to the feminine type energy with things and what you seemed to have going on was less that. I realize this might sound backwards or stuck in time but you can do it in a 2019 way too. I wholeheartedly believe that a big part of what makes guys attracted is "feminine" energy, which has many different forms. Some guys I know have said similar things to me in explaining what they are so attracted to in whatever girl they like so i think it's true. If you think about it, it's what makes us different and thus intriguing. In reverse, it's probably what makes us intriguing by guys in part is that it is different. I totally believe that it's important to have a spark and utilize the chemistry. I think to follow a lot of your own personal rules, i.e. only xyz texting for this/that at these intervals, etc and apply them uniformly is a misstep. Better to be "moved" by the person and whatever IS about each individual which calls for more spontaneity inherently. That's my take. Without some personal risk and emotional openness, you actually risk investing your time in someone but a missed opportunity to create a spark IMO. I see nothing wrong with reaching out to this guy btw. At this point, what is the harm in a double text. 1
winny Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Call/text him. His response/no response will give you your answer. If he does not respond.. whats the big deal.. the sooner you know the better.
Versacehottie Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Sorry, i forgot to say that the other "mistake" was in presuming that because you both SAY you want the same thing (i.e. a relationship) that you were both headed in that direction together. While that might not be what you thought fully and exactly, you said a couple of things that indicated maybe you gave it more credence than you should have. IMO, people can say they "want a relationship" but that doesn't really mean it's more secure in the initial stages necessarily. Effectively, everybody really means: "if we are right for each other". It's a "qualified" statement and positioning regardless of whatever a person says. Saying it or expressing it seems to give some false sense of security to one or other of the people saying it and often causes them to bury their heads in the sand or allow themselves to be blindsided etc. The point is your potential boyfriend (or girlfriend) is almost always EVALUATING things. And feeling a little more secure can often have people taking liberties (presuming a routine already even if it's just about texting or when you see each other or not putting in something that adds to the chemistry). The liberties and presumptions can be the downfall of the relationship. Not saying you did this but maybe if you examine what the relationship has been like you could find areas where that vibe crept in. Good luck 1
basil67 Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Definitely nothing to lose. Thank you all for pulling my head out of my ass. I think I let my anxiety get the best of me on this one. Emmab, I just wanted to say that I think you're really cool. It takes real guts to question ourselves and our approach. It may well be that he did deliberately ghost, but if you do reach out, you'll walk away knowing that you did the best you can. But hopefully, it is a glitch of some kind. My only caveat is that if he doesn't have a good reason and goes AWOL again in the future, please be wary. 1
Timshel Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 So I literally have no clue what I did wrong because he seemed so genuinely interested and made it seem like this was going somewhere. You have done nothing wrong Emma and I do not agree with suggestions that you should 'reach' out. My advice would be to remain calm, carry on and be absolutely willing to let this go if you do not hear from him asking for a date within a short period of time. 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 I'd give it a week. after that when you want to reach out, you should call, not text. 1
Britney25 Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 STOP!!!! DONT TEXT HIM. He got the damn message. You're not official yet therefore why chase him? Why are you the worried one? You're the prize! For all you know he has another woman he is enjoying some fun with now and you're worried. Come on ladies!! Time and time again it doesnt work if you are the one texting and he doesnt reply. 1
rightondude Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I say txt the dude if you want an answer. No answer is an answer. Just say "hey whats up?" and leave it at that. 1
elaine567 Posted September 21, 2019 Posted September 21, 2019 I left it with 'I'm swamped this weekend sadly but could be free in the afternoon on this day?". Never heard back. I am not really surprised. What exactly were you "swamped" with? I think if some guy told me he was "swamped" all weekend and could "fit me in" on a Wednesday afternoon, I would ghost him too. 1
Author emmab219 Posted October 3, 2019 Author Posted October 3, 2019 Heard nothing back...so I suppose that's the end of that. So weird because he didn't unmatch me on the app, nor did he unfollow me on my socials. At this point I'm just sort of assuming there was someone else he maybe connected with more, or maybe we just sort of fizzled out. Stinks because I got back into the dating scene last week and have yet to meet anyone I like even remotely as much. As for "being swamped"....I really was? I don't know why that would qualify for being ghosted. Saturday I had a haircut in the morning, a family member's birthday party in the afternoon, and then a birthday party in the evening that was just with my close girlfriends. Then Sunday evening I was having dinner with my brother and his wife. So yes, I really was "swamped" and I didn't say I could "fit him in"...I literally said I don't see myself being very free unless it's on Sunday morning/afternoon. Fail to see what's so wrong with that? I apologized for being so busy and stated my weekends weren't so usually jam packed and his response was something along the lines of 'no worries, I completely understand'. So yeah, if you ghost someone because they have a busy weekend and can't see you unless it's for a few hours on a Sunday, or have to hold off until the following week, maybe don't date. Because that just seems rude and unrealistic.
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