princessaurora Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 My 18 year old daughter tried to set an account up but she never got a confirmation email, so I'm posting her question for her. "There's a guy I like a lot that hangs out with us and he flirts with me all the time. He's about 20. Last weekend we were all taking a break outside the bar and I walked away from the group for a minute to check my voicemail and he followed me and just stood in front of me. I looked up at him and he smiled at me. I smiled back because 'm really attracted to him. Then he throws his hands up on both sides of me pinning me against the wall of the building and I think he's going to kiss me, but he freezes up and looks down at the ground . I could hear him practically hyperventilating but he kept me there for at least another minute before he realized all our friends were staring at us. Then he pulled away from me and everyone went home. I'm so confused. How can he be so bold and then chicken out? Does he like me or is here some other explanation? . And how do I handle seeing him again this weekend. Should I even ask him about it? " I'm in my 40s so to me it seems like he just got nervous. But I haven't been single in 20 years so I don't understand kids today. Can someone please help her? She's driving herself and me crazy about this.
Stevnx3 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 He got nervous. He is young and froze when he realized his friends are watching him. May put him on the spot, if you ask him about it. I am sure it was embarrassing to some extent for him. Instead, try to see if he wants to catch a dinner or movie, just you two and see what he says from there. Other posters are much more wiser than I, and I am sure will give you some excellent advice here soon enough! If you have anything else you need help with, especially after this weekend, hit us up!
kendahke Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 Since we don't know him or his mind, we're as much at a loss as to why he did what he did. He might be beta, he might have emotional issues, he may have lost his nerve---it could be anything and we don't know him so we can't say. Perhaps she should ask him. Light a candle instead of cursing the darkness...
Gaeta Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 Sounds like a very nervous and inexperienced young man. Obviously you like each other so why not offer him a 1 on 1 activity? this way he'll have plenty of opportunity to get a go at that kiss again. He's nervous, give him a big green light that you like him too. 2
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 Seriously? A guy pinned your daughter up against a building to make some kind of an advance and you're posting on here as if it was just "kid stuff"? she should have kneed him in the nuts. All smiley or not, that's not cool. Young women need to start enforcing boundaries now so that we don't have the kinds of scenarios like we had with Kavanaugh, et al. Learn how to nip it in the bud now. 5
Gaeta Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 At first I had a reaction to the 'pinned' me to the wall, then I re-read and re-read and decided to not conclude it was done with force. He probably wanted to lead her and end up doing something very awkward. OP can shed light on that moment.
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 Then he throws his hands up on both sides of me pinning me against the wall of the building and I think he's going to kiss me, This was not some awkward mistake/slip. He intentionally pinned her. She likes him so it was "ok". If she weren't into him, she'd be treating it differently probably. Nevertheless, if she shows she tolerates this at all now, others won't understand when she's not ok with something like this. 1
preraph Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 If pinning her to the wall was his first move, I'd hate to see one after they started dating. Hopefully, they have had some back and forth? Shouldn't he instead be just asking her for a date, not just pinning her to the wall. And maybe he was so drunk he caught himself and realized people were watching. I'm not sure I like this guy. She shouldn't kiss him until and unless he takes her on a date and then she should get to know him and see what he's UP to. 3
kendahke Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 Seriously? A guy pinned your daughter up against a building to make some kind of an advance and you're posting on here as if it was just "kid stuff"? she should have kneed him in the nuts. All smiley or not, that's not cool. Young women need to start enforcing boundaries now so that we don't have the kinds of scenarios like we had with Kavanaugh, et al. Learn how to nip it in the bud now. Well said--I thought the exact same thing when I read that.
justwhoiam Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 (edited) Last weekend we were all taking a break outside the bar and I walked away from the group for a minute to check my voicemail and he followed me and just stood in front of me. The reasons for that might be: A) he wanted to take advantage of a moment when you walked away from the group to be 1 on 1 with you, and/or B) he wanted to listen what was going on and whom you were on the phone with. Then he throws his hands up on both sides of me pinning me against the wall of the building Using one's force, especially from a young man interacting with a girl, is never cool. I'm sure you were thrilled, but he might have a hard time controlling his instincts, whatever they are (jealousy, lust, etc.). I think he's going to kiss me, but he freezes up and looks down at the ground That's the moment he realized it was wrong. I could hear him practically hyperventilating We don't know if he drank and how much, or if he took any drugs, and it's hard to understand if this is just some inexperienced young boy, or else. he pulled away from me and everyone went home. I'm so confused. How can he be so bold and then chicken out? How far did you want him to go? A guy knows what's in his mind and it could be unpleasant. You see something romantic in what he did, but again, the use of force to get what you want is wrong. What you describe sounds a bit rough to me, and I'd second it if it's in a couple, in a moment of passion. This is not that case. Do you understand why some of us are not OK with it? Does he like me or is here some other explanation? He could like you, but the alternative here might be that he wants you sexually. You keep smiling back at him, being flirtatious, and he must have entertaied the idea of doing certain things with you. Please consider that sometimes a guy will take a chance with a girl who makes herself available, regardless of his feelings (which means even if he's not interested in having a relationship with her). how do I handle seeing him again this weekend. Should I even ask him about it? Here is where I'm seriously concerned. You just don't beat yourself up in fear of doing something/saying something that might embarass him. You must stand up for yourself, girl. Had I been you, I would have asked what that gesture was right away, and not let him get away with it. But that's gone. So now, you can either call him and ask what happened and what was the meaning of it all, or you ask him in person. Can someone please help her? I was much younger than your daughter when I was on a school trip a long time ago. I liked a boy in my class, but he didn't know. He was the coolest guy in school. Apparently, he liked me too... because at a certain point, my best friend and I were laying on the grass. The boy and his best mate had been planning something for some time, just by watching and staring at us. They took courage and jumped onto us, the boy I liked jumped onto me. My best friend and I both kicked them in their privates. Later we got to know that they were attracted to our physical features, and I guess the goal was touching us. Bold move, but wrong approach. We liked those boys, but we knew that was a no-no. She's driving herself and me crazy about this.First thing, do not be scared to talk about it and to stand up for yourself thinking that if you do, you might lose him. That's actually a reason more to do it. You don't want to be played, do you? You don't want to be the weak girl ending up being used, just because you're drooling over him. So, keep your cool and face him. Edited September 18, 2019 by justwhoiam
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 The other question this Mom isn't addressing is what her 18 year old daughter is doing at or in a bar . . . it's possible she wasn't drinking, I suppose . . . but 3
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 An 18 year old girl hanging out at a bar with a bunch of intoxicated 21 year olds is trouble waiting to happen. A young girl who doesn't know how to take care of herself with men, even ones she likes, being in this environment is a no go for me. 1
basil67 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 The other question this Mom isn't addressing is what her 18 year old daughter is doing at or in a bar . . . it's possible she wasn't drinking, I suppose . . . but Drinking at 18 is legal in many places....and the OP hasn't given a location. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 Drinking at 18 is legal in many places....and the OP hasn't given a location. US is 21 . . . 2
Lotsgoingon Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 The pinning to the wall sounds violent and risky. I mean high-level risky. As to why he stopped, I'm betting he stopped because at the moment of truth, as he stood before her, he saw fear and shock on your daughter's face. Though inexperienced, he realized that something was off ... and the thing that was off was that your daughter apparently didn't signal her approval, her consent--like with a smile or a line like "you wanna kiss me?" Young guys and guys in general are being taught these days to not make moves like this ... The aggressive and sudden move this guy made is risky for couples who are in sync and know each other, risky and dangerous for people who are good at reading non-verbal cues. So a smarter strategy for guys is to make a smaller move. Put his arm around her waist as they're walking. Touch her hand, take her hand. Stand in front of her and smile. Lean in close. See how she reacts, see if she reciprocates. And oh, do this when the woman is not on the phone! But here we go. The flip side of the expectation that guys should get clear consent before touching a woman ... is that if a woman wants a guy to touch her, she needs to signal such. I don't sense that your daughter gave that consent. Sounds like she froze ... which is not a criticism ... seems reasonable to me that she would freeze (she was on the phone). So, it's not fair to blame him for "losing his nerve." Her thinking only reinforces the old view that guys didn't need to clearly get women's consent before touching them. Has your daughter found a way to signal to this guy even now that she likes him? I can guarantee you that this guy is walking around feeling like a jerk, convinced that she hates him for making such a sudden move. He's feeling really stupid for making the move while she was on the phone, and he's totally embarrassed that he did all of this in front of a group of people. So, if she thinks otherwise, that he is not a jerk, she can let him know. (Daughter seems to have that old-school passivity going on.) She can step up even now and make her desires known. If she sends him a message saying, "I'm sorry I was on the phone the other night, we should get together some time" he'll be shocked ... and delighted beyond belief. 1
Author princessaurora Posted September 18, 2019 Author Posted September 18, 2019 At first I had a reaction to the 'pinned' me to the wall, then I re-read and re-read and decided to not conclude it was done with force. He probably wanted to lead her and end up doing something very awkward. OP can shed light on that moment. Ok, so I asked my daughter to go over it a little more. She said she didn't find it forceful, just unexpected. He wasn't looking at her in a seductive way, just smiling at her. She said it was,sweet and like they were having a moment. That's why when he suddenly put his hands up on the wall she didn't understand. But she also said the second he did it he froze up and started breathing like he had just ran a marathon. That sounds like nerves to me, but I told her to definitely keep her wits about her. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2019 Posted September 18, 2019 just unexpected Pinning her is not acceptable Period. I think he realized the position he had put himself and her in and, maybe, a dawning of common sense. She needs to understand that she should not tolerate that behavior from anyone -- Moment or not. There are other ways for him to express and have a moment with her. This is not the way to do it and not at a bar. Teach her now how to establish and enforce boundaries. 2
elaine567 Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 I don't like the pinning her up against the wall with both arms, without any warning or prior showing of interest. The hyperventilation just makes it even more creepy. She likes him so she sees no harm. IMO she needs to be careful around him. 2
basil67 Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 US is 21 . . . Yes, I know. But I don't recall the OP saying they live in the US.
Versacehottie Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Hmmmm well let's say i'm puzzled. I think maybe your main focus should be to make sure your daughter has the ability to enforce her boundaries and take care of herself in situations that might go uncomfortable or worse rather than to perpetuate or help her perpetuate a need to have a guy as her boyfriend or putting relationship needs/wants before her own self worth. Idk, think this is an opportunity for a strong and important lesson rather than to let her 18 wisdom supersede whatever parental wisdom should advise and guide her in this moment. First and foremost. That said, secondly, i think a guy who has approached her in in this way as a potential boyfriend is not a great catch (believe that's the summation of what he is). Think about it. Shy? Probably not. Instead of showing her respect to get her attention, he was overly comfortable invading her personal space without knowing or having a familiarity with her to know if it was ok. At best, he is immature and maybe watching too much porn or has awkward ideas of how to be appealing, and well at worst, it could be a pretty awful thing for her to be involved with her. Lastly, if she is looking for this to be a prediction thread (which I would advise both of you to get her to focus her energy elsewhere), well I doubt it will be the last she hears from him. Guess he will come back to finish what he started. If you think about it, it's a physical gesture and I could surmise what he wants from her is primarily physical. If I were her mom, I would say she should stay away. This is not a young adult thing--it's hopefully helping her learn her worth and how to put her effort into herself and equally worthwhile people. And redirect people who don't approach her respectfully and maturely if it was a minor misstep (giving him huge benefit of the doubt there), i.e. she should have called him out right then and there if they know each other better than this story indicates where he might have felt familiar enough however made a misstep in error. 2
Author princessaurora Posted September 19, 2019 Author Posted September 19, 2019 Wow, so many different theories and opinions. Also some concerns that have been brought up I should have considered. Thanks so much everyone for the feedback. I've just been getting my ear chewed off for the last few hours by my daughter and her girlfriends. They have actually added a few details that might be helpful. They said he's pretty shy, but he looks at her alot. They also said girls always try to talk to him and dance with him and he just stands there until they give up and go away. They also disclosed that from where they were standing, she looked mortified when he basically threw himself at her. So lotsgoing on, you were spot on about the fear. Now it makes sense why he backed off. I still think he probably reacted awkwardly out of anxiety and wasn't trying to intentionally pull a fifty shades move, but I'm keeping my guard up. I told her if she goes on a date with him, I insist on meeting him first. She still lives at home so I have some say in what she does.For redhead14 concerns, thanks, I appreciate you bringing them to my attention. I'm not going to lie to you. We live in New Orleans, so no drinking under 21 is a joke. But she lives at home and respects the curfew I have in place for her and these kids are not into drugs. They're all 18-20, and currently in college so on weekends they go out and blow off steam. From what I've been told the guy she likes is a someone one of her male longtime friends met at school and he basically joined their group. She doesn't have any contact info on him, so she's just going to have to wait and see if he shows up this weekend. I told her if he does she needs to stay in public with him just in case he's the aggressive type, though I have a hunch he's not because he's been passive all this time, according to her girlfriends. If he's too embarrassed to show his face, the ball goes to her court and she's going to have to find a way to communicate with him, but I will be monitoring the situation closely just in case he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Thanks so much for your help. I'll give an update this weekend:)
Versacehottie Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 For example, if I had told my parents this story, instead of trying to help me secure him as a boyfriend or find out what his next move would be, I wouldn't be allowed to see him, hang out with him and that kind of stuff. They would not have been approving of this or supportive of this guy. Sorry, not judging but I think many of the others see it similarly 3
Versacehottie Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 Even if he is shy, the way a person expresses themselves with their physicality, personal space, etc is very telling IMO. Also when drinking, same. I have been at tons of parties with people very drunk and that pushiness as you described it does seem to indicate a lack of respect for women or that his personal frustration (perhaps because he is shy and inexperienced with women) exhibits itself as lack of respect for women, boundaries etc. The fact that they don't know each other well at all, not even enough to have each other's contact info is actually worse not better IMO. Shy guys do bad things too, just saying. 1
Author princessaurora Posted September 19, 2019 Author Posted September 19, 2019 Even if he is shy, the way a person expresses themselves with their physicality, personal space, etc is very telling IMO. Also when drinking, same. I have been at tons of parties with people very drunk and that pushiness as you described it does seem to indicate a lack of respect for women or that his personal frustration (perhaps because he is shy and inexperienced with women) exhibits itself as lack of respect for women, boundaries etc. The fact that they don't know each other well at all, not even enough to have each other's contact info is actually worse not better IMO. Shy guys do bad things too, just saying. After talking to her girlfriends and hearing about how often girls are hitting on him, I would think if he were looking for just sex he would just go with one of them. So why focus on my daughter? I mean, she's beautiful, not to brag, but they showed me a picture of this kid and he's a dead ringer for a young Christian Bale. I know times have changed, but a guy who looks like that isn't going to have any trouble finding a girl to sleep with, so why is he targeting her when I'm sure plenty of these other girls are a sure thing? I'm not trying to defend him because he very well may be a casanova, but he seems to be completely focused on my daughter which is sort of baffling. 1
Timshel Posted September 19, 2019 Posted September 19, 2019 There isn't too much to say when a person has the idea that pretty outside = pretty inside. Ted Bundy was cute. OP, I would tell your daughter that a gentleman asking for a date or engaging her in a conversation, in the presence of her friends is more likely to be an honorable person than one lying in wait, cornering her, pinning her against a wall and breathing heavily. This is your daughter you are asking for, right? 2
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